ThinkingOfMyKids
Junior Member


Reged: 09/30/07
Posts: 15
She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated
#3312419 - 09/30/07 09:54 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Please help me, I don't know where to turn or what to do. (Is this the right place to post this?)

So my wife is pregnant again.... Isn't this a nice way for you to find out? Mom will be so proud.....

She had the usual tests done and a day later the Dr calls leaving a message, they would "like to discuss the test results". She didn't get a chance to call them back until the next day. She came home shortly after she left for work in a tirade. Telling me what a loser I am and that if I don't get out of this house right away, she would have me removed...

I had NO CLUE what was going on or what had happened. I didn't even know she heard back for the Dr so quickly... Apparently, over the phone, the Dr/Nurse - whoever it was, told her that she has Chlamydia.

Well now I'm the loser who went and slept with someone and then gave it to her. The thing is... I am NEVER alone, I'm either at work or here at home with her, I do NOTHING without her...ever, so how could I even if I wanted to??!!?! It never happened. I've never considered it. Period.

But now I have to go get tested too. I'm fairly certain I'll come up negative... seeing how we rarely have sex.

I've made comments to her that we moved closer to her job so she wouldn't have to be gone 12-14 hours a day (We live 6.5 miles form her office now). Yet she STILL is gone 12-14 hours a day. At least 2 days a week, sometimes 3. So I asked her, who has she slept with? After all, she's CONSTANTLY accusing me of cheating on her. So this makes me think she's accusing me to cover her tracks? (That part comes from experience...sadly).

She swears she never has cheated on me, or anyone else. I have though, so I must have cheated on her too. Now she's super pissed because of her age and the complications this STD causes for the pregnancy.

I am beside myself, completely pissed off that she has this knowing full well that I have never cheated on her, and doing my own research to find out if there is any other way to get this....there is, but it's VERY RARE, so I'm highly doubtful it was contracted any other way but through sexual intercourse. Which makes her the cheater and the liar.

I'm at a loss though.... I can't prove to her that I didn't cheat. Her words... there is nothing, not even solid proof - if any existed, that would make her believe me. I have lived with this woman for 4 years, telling me to "get out" I'm a "loser", and she "hates me". I honestly wonder if this is how my Uncle felt/feels being married to my Aunt... it is 100% her way or no way. Period.

What's really messed up, is I'm more pissed I can't prove to her that I didn't cheat than I am of her cheating... why?!??! I KNOW I DIDN'T CHEAT!!!!

Years ago.. my Mom said something I overheard one holiday, she thought my wife was marrying me for a settlement I was getting from a motorcycle accident. She hates my mother now for that reason alone.

The money from my settlement? It's gone. Every penny. Gone. I bought her a car in cash, then bought a laptop, TV, and went on a vacation. The rest went into CDs. It was supposed to be for the kids. But We needed some money so we closed them out... I was shocked! These were all slated to be replaced with one of her bonuses (more on that later).

We had some loans and I needed a new car, seeing how I bought her a car (For the safety of the baby) she gave me her 1996 Ford Taurus, which we sank about $4000 into for tires, brakes, and a new transmission. I just wanted a new car back then, but seeing how her father gave her the Taurus, she couldn't get rid of it so wanted me to fix it up and drive it. So we did, but then it died...

So for me to get a new car, we agreed we would close out the rest of the CDs and pay off all the loans, my credit card, and her SEVEN credit cards... I bought my car, but I have a loan on it, something I cannot afford on my salary alone. (the titles to each car is in both our names though) What "change" was left over from paying the stuff off with the CD money, was pissed away on ...I don't really know. Clothes maybe? Out to dinner too much? Bottom line is the money that I had and was actually doing good saving for my future and the benefit of my kids...is gone.

Ironically, the same day the Dr called and left her a message on her cell phone, she got a $9000 bonus from work. She gets at least that every 6 months - this is her 2nd bonus of this amount as she's been there a little over 1 year, her very first bonus was $2000, after being there 2 months.

So now that my money is gone, and she has hers - hers is "hers", mine is "ours" just for reference.... She wants me gone, no contact with our son, just 2 now... ever,(I don't see my other kids now so I don't need to see him) Here's the thing about that though, she doesn't like them! And I end up feeling uncomfortable with them here with us, and I don't want the 20 questions if I stay somewhere else with them. And she says this next baby will never know me. I love him so much, and I would fight for custody of him if I honestly thought I had a fighting chance. She'll never let me see him though, she refuses to let me go see my Mom and Dad with him. She doesn't want to go, and when I mention going she tells me to go alone.

I'm tired and emotionally drained from dealing with the way I feel I need to live around her, I'd go in a heartbeat but I want my son. I would prefer that he be raised with an intact family though. I just don't know if I can do it. Plus, reality is, I'm financially ruined again. I couldn't make it with my current job and bills on my own. Sure I could give up my car, but I doubt I'd get what I owe, so I'd still have that bill, and have to get another car.

Want to know what really sucks? Next Autumn we could have seriously bought a house. Now look at me. Almost 38, back in the same damn boat I was in 15 years ago. Going to have to find some guy renting out a room and dealing with roommate crap.

What do I do? How can I prove I haven't cheated? Do I really care? Is this a real opportunity that's telling me, get out now? What about the next Baby? She's due in 6 months. That baby needs a father! My son needs a father!

Honestly... with no kids in this marriage, I would have been long gone. I am not happy, I haven't been in a long time. I am just used to the mental and emotional abuse. I just exist.... It's not like we really see each other anyway. She's gone to work long before I get up. She's home between 6-6:30 and upstairs watching TV or in bed by 8:00. So I get 90-120 minutes 5 days a week. Weekends is when the fighting typically happens too... Unless we're on a road trip or not talking about my family.

Do I try to stay for the kids? Or do I try to get my life back? And....what life is that?

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jmwc95
Member


Reged: 11/03/06
Posts: 2434
Loc: St. Louis Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3312426 - 09/30/07 11:14 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



A nurse practitioner once told my wife she had chlamydia, but it turns out she had bacterial vaginosis instead. If her test result comes back positive for chlamydia, get yourself tested, and if you don't have it, she 100% cheated on you. Ask her how she would have it but you wouldn't (I know that you could test neg. and still transmit it to her, but don't tell her that).

--------------------
Jim

BS - 26 (me)
FWW - 28
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 2 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story

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5outof6aintbad
Member


Reged: 11/07/06
Posts: 98
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3312450 - 10/01/07 03:52 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Your situation doesn't sound like much fun.
A few thoughts from a relative novice until one of the pros comes along...

1) Have you read the Basic Concepts (see menu bar)? It doesn't sound like it because you don't mention any in your post. If you haven't, do!

2) Repost on GQ2 - it's a much busier forum, and you'll get more responses.

3) Wife working long hours... infrequent sex... romance gone... 'righteous indignation' and an STD!

All are possible pointers to infidelity.

Have you snooped? Check cell phone records? Keylogger on the computer? Bank statements? GPS tracker? Search for a thread entitled 'snooping 101'.

4) After the birth, consider a paternity test - it's simple, a cheek swab from the alleged father (you) and the baby will for around $300 confirm if you are or are not the father.

5) As far as saving your M goes:
- again, read the Basic Concepts
- eliminate YOUR lovebusters (you can't eliminate hers but you CAN set a good example!)
- find out what her most important Emotional Needs are and meet them as much as she will allow.
- snoop as above - if she IS having an affair, identify the other man, and expose the affair to his wife or GF, his employer, family - anyone who can bring pressure to end it.

The good folk on GQ2 will guide you - listen to them carefully!

Good luck.

--------------------
Me 47 SAHD; W 39 SAHM; DS1, S2(grrr!)

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*Blondblossom*
Member


Reged: 01/31/02
Posts: 2440
Loc: Europe Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3312464 - 10/01/07 06:01 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



ThinkingOfMyKids

suggest that you both get a lie detector test done. Look at her "reaction" very closely. If she has nothing to hide, she'll probably be delighted, otherwise.............hmmmm.

If I had the opputunity and if I was being accused for something that is NOT true, I'd do it for sure. In a situation like yours, I'd ask my partner to do one also.

bb

--------------------
Me-BW-46yo
xWH-49yo
Met 1975/ Married 1980
2 children- 27yo+ 24yo
3 month affair/D-d January 2001
Grandparents since Dec.2005

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ManInMotion
Member


Reged: 08/19/05
Posts: 1906
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3312484 - 10/01/07 07:12 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Here's the thing - if your story is valid, then it seems to me that your W has no respect for you. If that's truly the case, then it's also more likely that she's cheated on you.

However, I think if I was in your situation, and my my W didn't want to address the concerns as you've addressed them here (the finance issues, the time spent together, etc.), then I'd be planning my exit strategy, no matter if she cheated or not.

--------------------
ManInMotion
===========
BH (me)
FWW (her)
05/2003 - 05/2005: EA/PA with former coworker

Recovery Status:
----------------
Me? Recovering!
Us? Getting better at it, and learning to tug in the same direction...

"Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will." - J. Nehru

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ThinkingOfMyKids
Junior Member


Reged: 09/30/07
Posts: 15
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ManInMotion]
#3312635 - 10/01/07 01:34 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Went to the lab today to get tested for everything under the sun... just want to be safe, if that's possible now... I thought after I got married to her I wouldn't have to worry about that anymore.. We'll see what the tests show. Though she now says if I come up negative it's because of a recent sinus infection I had...I was on meds for 2 weeks to clear that up, so the meds will magically take care of this Chlamydia thing too...whatever. So in her eyes, if I'm negative on the test, I still gave it to her and am now clean. So I'm the one that cheated... This is maddening that I cannot prove to her that I'm not the one that cheated!!


5outof6, I don't know what you mean by GQ2? or righteous indignation? This is where wifey knows I'm not particular smart in the general sense of the world, so I'm worried there that she will rake me over in court if it ends up that route...

Blossom,
I told her I would take a lie detector test, she said she didn't care. I'm a liar period, no detector needed in her eyes. I did not however ask her to take one, perhaps I should have.

ManInMotion,
Yeah, you have her pegged, she's told me time and time again that my opinion doesn't matter. Or if I ask why things need to be done a certain way the answer is "Because I said so". I even get "I don't need a reason" on some things!!

Exit stragedy?... I had a life planned with this woman, we have a child together and apparently another one on the way (Amazing how one time of sex can produce a child...) We almost NEVER have sex, and she accuses me of not wanting to. Not the case! We have to do it when and where...SHE wants. If I don't go to bed with her and 8:00PM...then I am to lave her alone when I climb into bed. Her sleep is more important than anything...after all, she needs to get up at 4:00AM to travel the 6.5 miles to work.... that doesn't official start until 8:00AM.....


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ManInMotion
Member


Reged: 08/19/05
Posts: 1906
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3312674 - 10/01/07 02:32 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply




Quote:
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Though she now says if I come up negative it's because of a recent sinus infection I had...I was on meds for 2 weeks to clear that up, so the meds will magically take care of this Chlamydia thing too...whatever.


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Sounds like a rather poor attempt at gaslighting to me...



Quote:
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ManInMotion,
Yeah, you have her pegged, she's told me time and time again that my opinion doesn't matter.


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To me, that's a definite sign to start planning an exit strategy. I suggest really asking yourself why you want to remain with that woman, particularly as she appears to be quite uninterested in your opinions and concerns.



Quote:
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I had a life planned with this woman, we have a child together and apparently another one on the way (Amazing how one time of sex can produce a child...)


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Though I'm usually an advocate for staying together if there are children involved, I suggest this: Ask yourself if your children will be better off being exposed to a situation like yours where the W obviously does not respect the H and apparently feels free to express that.

--------------------
ManInMotion
===========
BH (me)
FWW (her)
05/2003 - 05/2005: EA/PA with former coworker

Recovery Status:
----------------
Me? Recovering!
Us? Getting better at it, and learning to tug in the same direction...

"Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will." - J. Nehru

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ThinkingOfMyKids
Junior Member


Reged: 09/30/07
Posts: 15
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ManInMotion]
#3312684 - 10/01/07 02:45 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply




Quote:
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Though I'm usually an advocate for staying together if there are children involved, I suggest this: Ask yourself if your children will be better off being exposed to a situation like yours where the W obviously does not respect the H and apparently feels free to express that.


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I guess I should have mentioned that after a fight and she takes the baby to another room, I often hear her telling him "Daddy's such an @sshole" and other such comments....


My sister said it best I think in this situation....
How many years do you want to waste wondering if it is a good time to leave?? Do you want to wake up an old, unhappy man wondering where your life has gone???

..You will be what - 38 in a few months.......how many more years are you going to waste away NOT living the life you want? This is not up to her, not up to me, it is your decision and you have to make it. Change is always hard, but sometimes it is for the best. Unfortunately, you don't have a lot of support in your life and sorry to say, that is your own fault. So start making some changes to prove yourself responsible. It will take time......but it will be worth it. Make a 5 year plan - what do you want your life to be like in 5 years? If you don't start working toward that plan now.....what will your life be like in 5 years....probably exactly the same (if not worse) than it is now so you have nothing to lose!

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*Blondblossom*
Member


Reged: 01/31/02
Posts: 2440
Loc: Europe Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3312691 - 10/01/07 02:52 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



ThinkingOfMyKids

GQ2= General Questions II
you are posting in "Just found out" right now. You'll get more responses if you post your thread in the GQ2 section of this forum.

I think that your wife's behaviour is very disrespectfull. I'd "turn around" the situation and tell her that YOU want her to take a "Lie detector Test"!!

She will only be able to get away with her behaviour if you "don't set your boundaries".

bb

--------------------
Me-BW-46yo
xWH-49yo
Met 1975/ Married 1980
2 children- 27yo+ 24yo
3 month affair/D-d January 2001
Grandparents since Dec.2005

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ManInMotion
Member


Reged: 08/19/05
Posts: 1906
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3312700 - 10/01/07 03:06 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply




Quote:
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I guess I should have mentioned that after a fight


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Ok, I'd like to stick a pin right there. It usually takes two to have a fight. I think that it's possible to choose by your own behaviour to avoid having a discussion or confrontation turn into a huge fight. It sounds to me like she's very good at "pushing your buttons". The thing is, it's up to you to decide if you want to her allow her to continue doing so. Perhaps its time to look at your behaviour and choose to act, not react, so confrontations do not escalate.



Quote:
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and she takes the baby to another room, I often hear her telling him "Daddy's such an @sshole" and other such comments....


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This is highly disrespectful of her, and falls in line with her other behaviour. Have you spoken to her about this? How have you approached the subject - by making demands that she stop, or by indicating how you feel when it occurs?

--------------------
ManInMotion
===========
BH (me)
FWW (her)
05/2003 - 05/2005: EA/PA with former coworker

Recovery Status:
----------------
Me? Recovering!
Us? Getting better at it, and learning to tug in the same direction...

"Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will." - J. Nehru

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StartinOver
Member


Reged: 04/22/03
Posts: 1336
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ManInMotion]
#3312720 - 10/01/07 03:28 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



ThinkingOfMyKids..............my EX wife did the same thing to me.............accused me of cheating and stating that she hated cheaters all the time. She always threatened to leave me instantly if I cheated on her. I had numerous opportunities to have an affair and never did. Well, she was the one who actually HAD more than one affair.

I think the ones that always talk about hating cheaters and pushing off the blame are only covering up for wanting to (actually doing it) cheat.

Its a way for a cheater to make themselves feel better, and less guilty in some sick a$$ way. *rolls eyes*

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ThinkingOfMyKids
Junior Member


Reged: 09/30/07
Posts: 15
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ManInMotion]
#3312727 - 10/01/07 03:38 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply




Quote:
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This is highly disrespectful of her, and falls in line with her other behaviour. Have you spoken to her about this? How have you approached the subject - by making demands that she stop, or by indicating how you feel when it occurs?


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I constantly tell her I refuse to argue/fight in front of the baby. I am VERY conscious of that!! Perhaps fight was too powerful a word in that post. When we talk, we disagree almost 90% of the time...on every subject.

When it does happen, after the baby is in another room or in bed. I ask her to please not do it in front of the baby. She says it's my fault. I'm the one pushing her buttons... I don't think I do though.

I've learned that one a while ago though. I refuse to continue when it happens in front of the baby. I simply walk away.

And now... as I walk away and don't say anything, she says I'm "remarkably calm for someone who thinks his wife cheated on him" So I must yet again be the guilty one...

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ThinkingOfMyKids
Junior Member


Reged: 09/30/07
Posts: 15
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3312740 - 10/01/07 03:49 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply




Quote:
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Quote:
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This is highly disrespectful of her, and falls in line with her other behaviour. Have you spoken to her about this? How have you approached the subject - by making demands that she stop, or by indicating how you feel when it occurs?


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I constantly tell her I refuse to argue/fight in front of the baby. I am VERY conscious of that!! Perhaps fight was too powerful a word in that post. When we talk, we disagree almost 90% of the time...on every subject.

When it does happen, after the baby is in another room or in bed. I ask her to please not do it in front of the baby. She says it's my fault. I'm the one pushing her buttons... I don't think I do though.

I've learned that one a while ago though. I refuse to continue when it happens in front of the baby. I simply walk away.

And now... as I walk away and don't say anything, she says I'm "remarkably calm for someone who thinks his wife cheated on him" So I must yet again be the guilty one...


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You took the words right out of my mouth. And I've told her that repeatedly. Her reply is always the same. "If I wanted to cheat on you I've have your @ss removed first, and believe me, I've had PLENTY of opportunity to do it... but I'm not a cheater!"

Why tell me about all the opportunities? To make me feel special that she hasn't?

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ThinkingOfMyKids
Junior Member


Reged: 09/30/07
Posts: 15
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: StartinOver]
#3312744 - 10/01/07 03:54 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply




Quote:
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ThinkingOfMyKids..............my EX wife did the same thing to me.............accused me of cheating and stating that she hated cheaters all the time. She always threatened to leave me instantly if I cheated on her. I had numerous opportunities to have an affair and never did. Well, she was the one who actually HAD more than one affair.

I think the ones that always talk about hating cheaters and pushing off the blame are only covering up for wanting to (actually doing it) cheat.

Its a way for a cheater to make themselves feel better, and less guilty in some sick a$$ way. *rolls eyes*


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



You took the words right out of my mouth. And I've told her that repeatedly. Her reply is always the same. "If I wanted to cheat on you I've have your @ss removed first, and believe me, I've had PLENTY of opportunity to do it... but I'm not a cheater!"

Why tell me about all the opportunities? To make me feel special that she hasn't?

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familycomesfirst
Member


Reged: 10/05/05
Posts: 594
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3312750 - 10/01/07 04:14 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



It sounds like she's gaslighting you... You need to start snooping and become your own private investigator. Look up bluenote, he's really good at it! His thread is on GQ. Maybe he'll share some tips with you?)

I wouldn't doubt it if the baby isn't yours... insist on DNA when he/she is born.

--------------------
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3274789

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jmwc95
Member


Reged: 11/03/06
Posts: 2434
Loc: St. Louis Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: familycomesfirst]
#3312759 - 10/01/07 04:29 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



The best defense is a good offense.

Based on her recent interactions with you, I think that she knows she's busted unless she can convince you that she thinks you gave it to her. I would definitely ask her to take a lie detector test and get a DNA test to make sure the child is yours.

--------------------
Jim

BS - 26 (me)
FWW - 28
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 2 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story

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coachswife
Member


Reged: 08/23/05
Posts: 568
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: jmwc95]
#3312763 - 10/01/07 04:36 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



I had a friend once who had that STD. She thought her husband cheated on her too. The doctor told her that she could have contracted it years ago during her single days- because hers was so bad. She'd never been tested for STD's before.

Something to think about.

Post Extras:

ManInMotion
Member


Reged: 08/19/05
Posts: 1906
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3312771 - 10/01/07 04:52 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply




Quote:
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I constantly tell her I refuse to argue/fight in front of the baby. I am VERY conscious of that!! Perhaps fight was too powerful a word in that post. When we talk, we disagree almost 90% of the time...on every subject.

When it does happen, after the baby is in another room or in bed. I ask her to please not do it in front of the baby. She says it's my fault. I'm the one pushing her buttons... I don't think I do though.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Firstly, do you let her know what her behaviour means to YOU? I can understand why you don't want to have such behaviour exhibited in front of your child, but that's not all that concerns you, right?

Secondly, it sounds like she's not taking any responsibility for HER actions. Even if you are "pushing her buttons" (BTW - next time she claims that, ask her what is it that you're doing that causing that problem), she can CHOOSE to respond in a manner that's not highly disrespectful, just like you can CHOOSE to respond in a manner that does not cause the argument to escalate.

Unfortunately, IMO not taking responsibility for one's behaviour (i.e. always blaming it on "reactions" to something else) is another sign of a wayward-capable person. My FWW exhibited that a lot, and still exhibits it at times.



Quote:
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I've learned that one a while ago though. I refuse to continue when it happens in front of the baby. I simply walk away.

And now... as I walk away and don't say anything


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That's the thing - perhaps you should not just walk away without saying anything. Perhaps instead you should say WHY it is that you're choosing not to continue the conversation any further, and suggest that you may be open to talking about the topic again later when things have calmed down a bit.



Quote:
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she says I'm "remarkably calm for someone who thinks his wife cheated on him" So I must yet again be the guilty one...


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That just sounds like more gaslighting, IMO. She's trying to make you feel even more guilty for feeling the way you do about her.

"Orchid" has some interesting threads on reverse-babble. Perhaps we need a thread on "reverse-gaslighting" too...

--------------------
ManInMotion
===========
BH (me)
FWW (her)
05/2003 - 05/2005: EA/PA with former coworker

Recovery Status:
----------------
Me? Recovering!
Us? Getting better at it, and learning to tug in the same direction...

"Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will." - J. Nehru

Post Extras:

ThinkingOfMyKids
Junior Member


Reged: 09/30/07
Posts: 15
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ManInMotion]
#3313246 - 10/02/07 01:55 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



I can't do anything anymore.....
She had me arrested lastnight. under FALSE PRETENSES!!! I went home after work, didn't say a word to her, fixed my own dinner, went upstairs to notice ALL my clothes all over the bedroom floor.

Shortly after that the cops were knockign onthe door, they took me away saying I threatened her life, told her I would kidnap my son, and that I back handed her, and pushed her into a door.

LIES! LIES! LIES!!!

Now... I can't go home, restraining order, can't contact her in any way DON'T WANT TO!!! Can't get my mail, and can't go anywhere she goes within 1000 yards.

At my arraignment this morning I had 3 Class A Misdemeaors against me. 1 simple assault on her 2 simple assualt on the unborn child 3 criminal threatening.

ALL BOGUS!!!


And here's the part I really enjoy... I can't do ANYTHING about seeing my son until after my court date. 12/13/07
That's 10 weeks!!!! Thus is not right at all.

I have no address anymore so I have to wait and call tomorrow to find out if I qualify for a court appointed attorney.... she was the bread winner of the family... and she's taken everything out of the joint accounts already.

Post Extras:

ThinkingOfMyKids
Junior Member


Reged: 09/30/07
Posts: 15
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3313249 - 10/02/07 02:00 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



OH yeah.... when i got to work today (after 12:00) I had an email from her...

"Sorry for the way things turned out last night, I just wanted you to leave quietly"

WTF is that?!?!?!! Except for a ploy to get me to reply. She knows I can't. I WANT TO...to say if you wanted me gone quietly why didn't you just leave me alone and let me finish packing????


She's so full of sh*t!

I'm starting to think that all this is a way for her to look good in her parents eyes when the baby comes out and it's not mine, if I'm already out of her life, they will never know it's not mine.

Coniving B*tch!!

Post Extras:

familycomesfirst
Member


Reged: 10/05/05
Posts: 594
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3313329 - 10/02/07 04:05 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Wow... you need a lawyer fast.

Do not respond to her but keep the email she sent. Do you have family you can stay with?

--------------------
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3274789

Post Extras:

familycomesfirst
Member


Reged: 10/05/05
Posts: 594
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: familycomesfirst]
#3313330 - 10/02/07 04:06 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Also, consider posting in GQ, there is a lot more traffic and you'd get more responses.

--------------------
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3274789

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ThinkingOfMyKids
Junior Member


Reged: 09/30/07
Posts: 15
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: familycomesfirst]
#3313333 - 10/02/07 04:12 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



I am not replying to anything.

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walkingthefield
Member


Reged: 11/09/05
Posts: 723
Loc: Wiscowsin Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3313340 - 10/02/07 04:27 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



You Called???

Save that email. Make sure you lawyer see it / has a copy of it. It proves that she wanted you out of the house and can be used in your defense.

BTW: She is NOT the first WW to have pulled this stunt.

--------------------
WTF

*** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.

Post Extras:

ThinkingOfMyKids
Junior Member


Reged: 09/30/07
Posts: 15
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: walkingthefield]
#3313363 - 10/02/07 05:21 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



NO! I have not called or emailed or anything... in fact I was waiting 500yrds away from the house today @ 2:00 for my police escort so I could grab the rest of my stuff... they never showed. And i was strong (and smart) enough NOT to go there and grab it anyway.

I feel good right now. No one to answer to.... nice feeling. Oh, and Friday I get paid! I don't have to transfer it to the "household" account! That will be strange!

Post Extras:

ManInMotion
Member


Reged: 08/19/05
Posts: 1906
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3313366 - 10/02/07 05:35 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply




Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't do anything anymore.....


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I'm sorry to hear how things have turned out.

Keep that e-mail, and I don't mean just a paper copy. The electronic copy will have Internet headers included that can be used to determine where and when it was sent. If you can prove that she had you thrown of your own home under false pretenses...

Do you have a trusted friend that can snoop on her? Now's the time to gather as much evidence as possible of any A-related activity on her part (unknown men entering/leaving the home, etc).

--------------------
ManInMotion
===========
BH (me)
FWW (her)
05/2003 - 05/2005: EA/PA with former coworker

Recovery Status:
----------------
Me? Recovering!
Us? Getting better at it, and learning to tug in the same direction...

"Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will." - J. Nehru

Post Extras:

jmwc95
Member


Reged: 11/03/06
Posts: 2434
Loc: St. Louis Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3313382 - 10/02/07 06:12 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



That email is a smoking gun. She just admitted to filing a false police report in as many words. Get a lawyer now, and get her tossed out of the house. Find out who she is having the affair with. Expose her to all her friends and family.

Move this post over to the GQII forum.

--------------------
Jim

BS - 26 (me)
FWW - 28
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 2 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story

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MrWondering
Member


Reged: 10/12/05
Posts: 2428
Loc: 200 miles north of Wapakoneta,... Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: jmwc95]
#3313668 - 10/03/07 09:33 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



I presume you are moving in with family.

SAVE as much money as you can to fight this thing. Eat Raman noodles and banana's every day so you can save money to fight her.

However...do buy a voice activated digital tape recorder and carry it with you so you can record any conversations she does have with you n the coming months. IF she calls you...you can speak to her (and just maybe get her recorded confessing she filed a false report). What state are you in...this matters because in some states it's illegal to record phone calls without the consent of both parties. Other states it's perfectly legal.

I can almost guarantee you the baby isn't yours and she knows it (won't stop her from trying to make it yours if she thinks she can get more support from you than the real father). I will be interested to see if the baby happens to come out a different ethnicity.

Were you married previously??? What happened??? You don't have to roll over this time. At the very least the court will give you every other weekend and one weekday visitation as long as you seek it and follow through with it. Eventually...when your wife falls apart and you get the fundage necessary to fight for more...you can seek a modification.

Finally...children grow up. At some age they are able to indicate to the court where THEY choose to live or they turn 18 and can have a relationship with whomeever they choose. Your children will not be gone forever no matter what your wife does. Maintain hope for the future...it will get better. Just conduct yourself with dignity and integrity. In the end...YOU WIN, no matter what.

YOU will make it.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I'd consider taking the offensive position and filing for divorce first based upon adultery. Her behavior gives ME a 98% certainty she's been or being unfaithful. You have circumstantial evidence indicating the same (her STD and you are clean) which would likely place the burden on her to refute your claim. Your "abuse" charges are separate and the divorce judge will likely see it as a ruse (though they are very hesitant to trust a man charged with abuse because just one mistake will ruin their legal careers...however, they can disregard it when making other decisions...like temporary custody orders). You see...in a divorce petition you MAY be able to seek a temporary custody order within the next two weeks wherein you get visitation with your son. You don't HAVE to wait until December to clear your name...and then await your wife's "allowing" you visitation. You HAVE to seek it yourself and stand up for yourself legally.

I know money is tight....but TRY. Get a second job. Occupy the extra time you have right now making money to build up a legal war chest. It's much better than burrying yourself in self-pity and depression. Your life IS NOT over.

--------------------
FBH(me)-40 FWW-38 DD-Age 7 Dday-April 2005
Married-August, 16, 1997
Happily Married
email - the_wonderings@yahoo.com
Pep's - Carrot & Stick of Plan A

"The definition of fanaticism is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result" - Wayne Campbell and/or Wayne Newton

BEWARE, OWL crochets, which makes him a WISE HOOKER

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familycomesfirst
Member


Reged: 10/05/05
Posts: 594
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3313695 - 10/03/07 10:03 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply




Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I'm starting to think that all this is a way for her to look good in her parents eyes when the baby comes out and it's not mine, if I'm already out of her life, they will never know it's not mine.

Coniving B*tch!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



You can request DNA... you may have to cough up the cash for it, but it would be WELL worth it.

Then, if it isn't yours, you out her to anyone you can.

How far along is she?

--------------------
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3274789

Post Extras:

ManInMotion
Member


Reged: 08/19/05
Posts: 1906
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: MrWondering]
#3313743 - 10/03/07 11:08 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply




Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd consider taking the offensive position and filing for divorce first based upon adultery. Her behavior gives ME a 98% certainty she's been or being unfaithful. You have circumstantial evidence indicating the same (her STD and you are clean) which would likely place the burden on her to refute your claim....


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I think that's a pretty good idea.

--------------------
ManInMotion
===========
BH (me)
FWW (her)
05/2003 - 05/2005: EA/PA with former coworker

Recovery Status:
----------------
Me? Recovering!
Us? Getting better at it, and learning to tug in the same direction...

"Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will." - J. Nehru

Post Extras:

familycomesfirst
Member


Reged: 10/05/05
Posts: 594
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ManInMotion]
#3313848 - 10/03/07 01:28 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



First off, have you been tested yet for the clamydia, and what were the results if so?

If you come back clean, like the others said it would be best for you to file first. When you file, mention the fact you guys have had very little sex and that you question the paternity of the child she is carrying. You will want to "strike first" so to speak.

Hopefully she is brazen enough that she will keep emailing you. I doubt she understands the seriousness of what she filed against you and how bad she'll look for contacting you like that.

--------------------
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3274789

Post Extras:

ThinkingOfMyKids
Junior Member


Reged: 09/30/07
Posts: 15
Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: familycomesfirst]
#3314062 - 10/03/07 10:45 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



How do i move this threat over to GQ2?
I thought of filing fisrt too... emotional abuse and infidelity.

I just don't have the $ to file the paperwork though.

I live in NH. i went to go get some things from the house yesterday but the cops weren't available. I waited down the street fromt he house as the restraining order says.... for over an hour. Called the PD and they told me the officer was redispatched to an accident and they didn't know when they'd get to me. So I tried again tonight. 7:30PM.

SHE WON'T LET ME IN NOW.... The way she opened the door ...she was hiding something. I didn't think of it at all untill after the cops made me leave...EMPTY HANDED.

She had that door open just enough to pop her head out the door. What was she hiding???? WHO was she hiding????

There was NO REASON to have me put on a restraining order! I WAS LEAVING ON MY OWN....nice and quiet.

What happened from Sunday afetrnoon traveling to the northern outlet shops as a family til Manday evening after work when she tried to get me to argue with her...and I wouldn't so she calls the cops lying that I hit her?????

my thouhgts now are this. She's terrified of what her father will do when he finds out she was the one that cheated, and this child isn't mine. If I'm gone, and she bad mouths me to her family... I'm ousted and they won't listen to me. I'm gone.... this kid comes out and looks like her and????? if not me... I'm not there to say "See!! That's not my kid!!"

I think she had a 1 night fling and REGRETS it... and is scared that it might not be mine, so better hurry up and get me gone.

Oh... she's 3-4 months along now too.

Cops say don't reply to the emails or phone calls, i'll go to jail if I do. That's bogus!!! SHE puts a RO on ME and then emails me???? talk about trying to set me up.....

I wish i never had that Vegas wedding for $55!!
but....I do love my son, and i would have loved the next one if it was mine..... if it IS mine (highly doubtful now though)

Someone move this thread for me?

oih and the 2nd job thing... already been trying!!
thanks everyone.


I had my test done on Tuesday morning. I shoudl hear back by friday...


Just cuz I'mt he guy doesn't make me the @sshole by defualt!

Edited by ThinkingOfMyKids (10/03/07 10:46 PM)

Post Extras:

jmwc95
Member


Reged: 11/03/06
Posts: 2434
Loc: St. Louis Re: She's Pregnant, tests show STD - thinks I cheated [Re: ThinkingOfMyKids]
#3314067 - 10/03/07 11:22 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Get the money. I don't care what family member you have to hit up, do it. Otherwise, you might just lose custody of your child for life. You cannot take that risk. You need to lawyer up now. Otherwise, you are guilty of the charges (in the family court's eyes) by failing to respond to the charges.

--------------------
Jim

BS - 26 (me)
FWW - 28
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 2 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story

Thinkin',

Unfortunately, New Hampshire is a two party consent state for taping telephone conversations.

Still a good idea to record your conversations...just in case she says something that exonerates you.

My presumption here is she WILL eventually call you.

Here is a link to a resource about recording telephone conversations.

Link HERE

One way around these laws is using internet phone service. It's still up for debate but the telephone privacy laws apply to recording voice conversations..."recording" internet phone conversations is really recording data...not voice.

Plus...the New Hampshire law doesn't apply to interstate calls. IF a out of state family member called her and recorded her saying something to exonerate you...and they recorded it...it wouldn't be illegal (I believe Federal law applies...even if they too reside in a 2 party consent state but to be sure...hopefully they are in a one party state)

Good luck...you've got a tough one but in the end...

YOU will make it.

I promise,

Mr. Wondering

http://www.divorcenet.com/fathers_rights/states/new_hampshire

Here is a site that I found with some information. I'm not sure if it will help or not. Do some research in your area and see if you can get any help. A support group or father's advocacy group might be able to assist you with advice.

Lay low, she filed a false report on you. Hopefully it will unravel on her.

My 2 cents:

You stated that it is SHE who initiates sex, and she initiated it the last time. The time she got pg. Could it be that she had an oopsie and had sex with you to cover up, "just in case"? People can be really devious. Another reason to get paternity testing.

ThinkingOfMyKids

are you still around???

bb

thought Marriage Builders was about saving marriages where possible. I think that a lot of the advice offered here is not geared to that. Why are we rushing to assume W had an affair leading to this pregnancy when there is so much (and easily available) evidence that there might be a more logical reason for this?

Chlamydia CAN be dormant in women. A change in body functions such as a lowering of resistance caused by pregnancy CAN be the kicker to wake it up. So your wife COULD have had dormant Chlamydia for years. Pregnancy can also seriously alter a woman‘s hormone levels, making them even less mentally predictable for us men than normal.

Dormant Chlamydia would not pass from your wife to you. Therefore you are still clean.

Here are some quotes from the enclosed link:
http://www.drdaveanddee.com/chlamydia.html

"It is possible that your one friend has Chlamydia even though the lab test is negative. This is because the Chlamydia organism doesn't always show up on the test, even though it may be present. It has a lot to do with the type of test and the way the specimen is collected."

"Chlamydia can lie dormant in the body for extended periods of time, with little or no symptoms. This is especially true in the female."

And:
http://health.ninemsn.com.au/asktheexperts/expert2.aspx?id=60513

"Chlamydia is a very common sexually transmitted disease that can lie undetected in a woman for years. This is because in around 80% of women there are no symptoms at all, and it is an infection that is not picked up on routine Pap smears. You need to have a specific Chlamydia test done to confirm the diagnosis."

"In my practice, I have found that occasionally someone has contracted the infection from a sexual liaison years beforehand"


PLEASE calm down. Google Chlamydia dormant pregnancy and read about it. Gather the links together along with your results and find some legal way to get the info to your wife.

Well this is kind of why I think it is not healthy to try and save marriages at any cost. Let me see if I have this straight:

-He has never cheated on his wife.
-She accused him of cheating.
-Had him removed from his own home
-Had him jailed with false accusations
-Accused him of having a STD.
-He can no longer see his son

Add on top of that her behavior. She has already spent all of the guy’s money so now it is probably time to discard him. What more should a person like this put up with. I realize that a lot of people think you should save a marriage at all costs but I don't agree. I personally don't think you should even consider taking back a WS unless they immediately ask for forgiveness and stop seeing the OP. I also realize that a lot of people disagree with my point of view and that is OK.

I still can't help but think if a woman was thrown out of her home and in jail with false accusations and not allowed to see her children what kind of advice would people give her? Would they tell her she needs to suck it up and accept this behavior and be nice to him? It just seems that if this happens to a man people don't consider it that bad? This is why men end up without their kids and homes when they allow their spouse to cheat on them and abuse them and then they don’t realize it is a war at this point.

ThinkingOfMyKids we are all just amateurs trying to do the best we can. You have a lawyer so take their advice and stay out of trouble. I would think that if she has a child and DNA shows it is not yours well she may have some explaining to do on any custody battle. My point is don’t get steamrolled and if you want to save things with her later maybe it is possible but when a person blocks you from seeing your children and has you thrown in jail do not sit back and take it. If you do you may end up with nothing.

Again, just my opinion.

Bigger,

I'm in self preservation mode. I was arrested cuz SHE called the cops on me. I am homeless and away from my 2 year old boy because she called the cops on me. My life is in a whirlwind right now because she has an STD, I don't care when she got it, but she accused me of cheating on her and that's how she got it. She told me she was tested when she was pregnant with our son and came up clean... so is it possible that this dormant STD STAYED DORMANT throgh THAT pregnancy and not this one? If not, then the point STILL is she's lieing, trying to pin it on me, and cheated SINCE the birth of my son!

I have gotten 2 more emails form her, one sent directly to me, and one either accidently sent to me, purposely BCC'd to me, or just sent to me as a ploy that she sent it to someone else.

And now she is calling and emailing my exwife and hassling her!! Which is in effect hindering my abilities to re-establish a relationship with my children from that marriage.....

Why am I quick to get out?!?!?! I'm NOT!!! THIS type of behavior from her has been going on for THREE YEARS!! I've been doing everything i can think of to try to make this work. Whatever i do just doesn't go though. I have no life, no opinion, no nothing. It's 100% her way or no way. I'm CONSTANTLY being told "Because i said so" and "I don't need a reason". Is that a way a marriage should be??? No...

i was willing to accept it and just exist in the marriage so that I could be with my son 24/7 365. please remember, SHE removed ME.

Yes I was packing my things with no where to go... but that's just it... i was packing my things...with no where to go. i would have sucked it up, known my wife is lieing to me, calling me a loser, most likely cheating on me cuz she has ZERO respect for me... but I would have my son!!!!!


Marsh,
thanks for moving this...

I MISS MY SON!!!!

here is the email that somehow made it to my mailbox...i wonder what she's up to now?

First one rec'd today 6:45PM

Preface:
I got a call from her cell to mine @ 6:07PM... about the time she's been getting home, though she's supposed to clock out @ 5 and we live 10-15 minutes away... I did not answer the phone, but I had a hunch she wanted to yell at me for things I took from the Civil Standy today. Which by the way, she went through EVERY box and approved or denied my taking it. The officer accompanying me followed what she said...

Further thought was that she might pissed that I took MY wireless router off the cable modem. She can still connect her laptop to the cable modem but i'm not sure she knows how, so at 6:39PM I called our ISP support and asked them to call her (as i can't) to walk her through how to do that. Apparently my hunch was dead on....
Second email rec'd 8:37PM
Preface: there is no email address in the "to" field, she's smart enough to know how to use the BCC feild..

I have no clue who "J" is... maybe her sister "Jaclyn" but then again, this could be a ploy that she sent it to "J" but as there is no address int he "to" feild, she could very well have just sent it to me... more to the point, why did I even get this?????

I can explain each and every accusation in this eamil too. If anyone knows how VOip works and you have 2 different sets of cordless phones, the base needs to be plugged into a phone jack... there were NO other outlets for the phone except for the one inthe back room of the basement...next to the noisy furnace/AC unit. it was only there to get the 2nd cordless to work...and never used. heck i think the plastic LED protectors are still on it!

The email address thing... lies! send an email to it and you get a non-deliverable report.. I deleted her account, per her request over the weekend....

oh yeah... "J" can't be her sister... she would never refer to me as "her husband" to her sister.

And the broken ethernet cable is crap too. I MADE CERTAIN I broke NOTHING in the house and didn't touch anything she would say was 100% hers...

Odd how I call the ISP at 6:39 and 6 minutes later I get an email... there is NO WAY she made it to a store that is close enough to home, went back home, and connected from the time i got the phone call on my cell, till the time she eamiled me. NO WAY.


And...
I called my exwife to talk to her this time... to verify my wife called her, she said yes, she called her work and left a message, then emailed her. there was no "chat" as refernced in the email I got.

My Ex asked to be kept out of this, i apologized to her and asked if it was still OK for me to see the kids... her response "I have to go, i don't want to deal with this, i have my own problems to deal with" and she hung up as I herard her saying some explicits...

i'd say mission accomplished on my wife's part!

correction, soon to be exwife!

I’m not excusing her behavior. Far from it. I am 100% certain that IF you two get together again you better head off for MC ASAP.

But put yourself in her shoes:
*She get’s the news she has a STD.
*She has been faithful so she assumes YOU gave it to her (just like you automatically assume she has been unfaithful since you are clean).
*She is pregnant. The STD is a threat to her health and to the health of her unborn child.
*Add that to 3 years of a troubled marriage.
*Add to the hormonal changes in a woman in pregnancy.
I wouldn’t be surprised if SHE were posting on an infidelity site: “I’m pregnant and my WH gave me an STD”. Imagine the advice she is getting…

Once again: get someone to contact her with your results and some info on dormant Chlamydia. Her OB, your MD, a nurse, your pastor, a joint friend, your lawyer, her lawyer…. Anyone. You claim you want to stay with your son – well work for it.

Maybe you two are destined for divorce but at least make her say she wants a divorce for real reasons. If nothing else then if she carries on with her actions after she has been offered the true reason for the STD then you have a better shot at custody. Her actions do not indicate a stable mind.

IHadEnough:
Has anyone suggested TOMK “suck it up and accept it”? All I am offering is a LOGICAL and very VIABLE reason for why the STD was found, how it came to be and suggestions on how to calm the waters.

I strongly encourage you to look up MB heroes here like Dazedandconfused and Hopethisworks. These guys went through [email]H@ll[/email] and back on the advice and guidance of the Harleys to save their marriages. True not every marriage should be saved but what TOMK is relatively easy to set right. Seeing as there really is no infidelity in play.

the "setup" my adoring "wife" refers to...
this is a server she gave me. SHE wanted me to set it up in the basement. We connected our big screen tv to it and have a wireless keyboard/mouse in the living room...it never worked though.

I really like the part about the fighting we had too... there was no fight, i was packing my stuff calmly remember? She came upstairs and smacked me across the face whiel i was on my knees picking up my socks that were all over the floor. And then told me about the smut she found on the PC. I jumped up and yelled "what?!!?" She jumped back, tripped over the closthes that were all over the room, backed into the half open door which poked the doornob through the wall by the way. So there is her proof that i hit her I guess, after all, how else would that hole get there right???

I went down stairs and asked her where the smut was, she said "Its not on your laptop, it's downstairs ont he server" I went down there... saw it, and immediately deleted it! NOT to get rid of somethign I did... to get rid of that garbage of what i thought was my PC....

The snooping software she talks about... yep, I did do that IN THE PAST...as I said, i've been dealing with this from her for THREE YEARS.

I don't beleive I've mentioned this part yet...

We got married on a whim in Vegas. I was being set for work, she didn't want me to go. I asked my boss if i could take her with me, he said sure... While there I found out she had bought a $180 victoria Secret bathing suit and sat out by the pool whiel i worked 7am-7pm.... i personally never saw the suit, just the bill!

Vegas is Vegas baby.... $55 later I was hitched. MISTAKE!!!!!

One week later we were home and it was my turn to have my kids form my previous marriage. I saw the exwife face to face and told her that I was remarried. BUT... before I saw her, my new wife calls me and asks what i'm up to for lunch. I didn't want to worry her so i told her I was having lunch with a Vito ... a co-worker. I had EVERY intention of telling my new wife that I saw my ex and told her about my new marriage, when i got home...so i could tell her face to face...instead of over the phone and to amek sure she didn't worry about anything...in case she would. well to this day, just one week after my vows, my new wife thinks i cheat on her with the ex and i'm a liar..... I've explained this to her a million times, I just didn't want her to worry and had every intention of telling her when I got home. She somehow found out on her own between lunch and 5:30... to this day i still dont' know how she did.

BUT....
on the flip side of this. The man she lived with for ten years... she sent him a nice lovely long email about how she had gone on a trip "just to get away from it all" told him about all the fun and daring things she did in Vegas and the Grand Canyon...even sent pictures of herself on the strip and hiking the Canyon.... funny though... not 1 picture she sent him had me in it. not one word of how she went WITH ME.... or that little part abotu her last name changing... then...get this... she signs the email "Love Les"

i found this on our new laptop as a married couple on accident... she left her email open. i sent a copy to myslef and read it from time to time when she tries to tell me what a loser I am....

She sent him my favortite picture of her....it's tainted now. i can't look at it without thinking of that email.

I just let my ex knwo i was married face to face... she never told her ex and signed a letter "love"?!?!??!

So yeah... after that email i would from time to time fine new snooping software and check to see if she was doing what she constantly accused me of. Ad i would call her on things when I needed to. What happened from there you ask....

I was the @sshole for snooping and I need to get out.

That went on throughout our 1st year.. then i actually listened and left. 2 months went by. It was the holiday season and as a married man i should be with my wife... So I called and we talked and I went back on "day trips' to try things out...another month or 2 goes by and she tells me she's pregnant. I move back in and 9 months later I deliver my little boy. yep... I delivered him!!!

The baby brought us back to where we should have been. or did he? Maybe he was just a distraction from all the problems we have with each other. I didn't much care, i loved him more than anything, still do, and would do anything to keep him safe. I stayed home with him and she went to work. My line of work was contracual and the contract was up for renewal, we agreed it was smarter for her to go back to work for the bennifits as my contract didn't have any.

So my son and I bonded even more so as I was the primary care giver.

Now though... now I'm just a loser who mooched of her.

Now that all my money is 100% gone. She just recently got a 9K bonus and is pretty much gauranteed at least that every 6 months, all on topof her 70K/yr salary (at keast that what she told me she makes) she doesn't "need me" anymore... or my $16/hr minus child support from a previous marriage paycheck. So I guess instead of me leaving again, she wanted to make sure the story goes that she had me tossed out....

I did put myself in her shoes... all weekend before I decided I needed to leave. I was trying harder to prove to her i din't cheat than accusing her of cheating. I stayed up litterally all night all weekend googleing this disease tryign to find some shred of evidence that there was another way to catch this... there isn't.

Bottom line, if Chlamydia can be dormant and shows up during pregnancy, it should have shown up in her 1st...but didn't. Since then I have not left the house. More over, I have not cheated since I met this woman, never mind since our marriage. yes, even when i left the first time for 2 or so months. So that still elaves the question... how did this come into our lives? our marriage? There is only 3 ways to get it, and all 3 should ONLY be done with your partner you are married to!!!!

It still remains.... if I dind't cheat, (and my test results came back clean too btw) how does she have it now? AFTER the first baby?

From what I have read then the theory is that when pregnant the immune system can lower its guard. Possibly only for a short time (several days or even weeks) but then recovers.
So why now but not during her last pregnancy? Well here are some ideas:
She was obviously younger then. Perhaps she was healthier.
By your own admission the marriage has been hard for 3 years. Could lead to stress that can lower the immune system.
Perhaps it simply wasn’t diagnosed back then.

At least get the info to her. I strongly recommend you use your MD or her OB. Then he/she can also tell you WHY it didn’t come forth last time.

Look – I am not blind to this possibly being infidelity but I am in no hurry welcoming you to our club. I have been through infidelity once before and am not too eager in adding to our membership. Yes it’s also entirely possible that she was unfaithful from the time of last child to now but to me her actions seem like confusion rather than an elaborate ploy to get you out of the marriage.

I spoke with an OB friend of mine. He confirmed that it can be undetected for many years because most don't show any symptoms and unless there is a specific test for it, you probably don't know you have it. he said it was a most common form of STD and lots of people are out there with no idea that they have it due to lack of any indication. Said it was entirely possible that it was there for the previous pregnancy but was undetected. More doctors are checking for it now so maybe this time there was a test but previously there wasn't one. The doctors records would indicate if a previous test was done and the results.

I don't have an opinion one way or the other...just wanted you to know.

I would get a paternity test after the baby is born. You can do it by mail, and just need a cheek swab. That way you will know if the child is yours, just in case the marriage doesn't work out.

You already have children from one marriage that didn't work out, and married this chick on a whim. I suggest you do some working on yourself to find out why you are picking the women you pick. You sound like a great guy.

Jim moved it for you.

I just posted the link for you.

You seem to be a 'fly by the seat of the pants kind of guy'. You'll get some good advice from some very smart, settled folks here.

Keep posting. And reading.

You've come to the right place!

~ Marsh

thank you both. If only ms high and mighty could open her eyes to this news though. All that has been said to me is that I gave it to her. Period. there is NO WAY she got this from someone else.

I cannot however convey this to her just now...in any way. after all, I have an RO on me and if I contact her, off to jail I go till 2 weeks before christmas..woohoo

I have said this once, I'll say it again.
i could care less about the damn disease. She tossed me and removed my son from my life. I don't care how temporary it is. I can only imagine what the little guy is going through. he freaks out at bedtime if i'm not home to give him a kiss goodnight (if I'm at the store for wifey-poo or something like that) So he must be crying his little slef to sleep at night. Coupled with the FACT I have heard her tell him what a loser I am....

She was the one that made me sit in that disgusting cell and wait for bail. She lied to make that happen. I was searched, treated like a criminal, finger printed, and removed of my dignity. Why? Becuase I wouldn't argue with her?

Hormones or not... that's not forgivable.

I stayed in the marriage for my son. Now I'm out, by her doing. And I will fight for custody if it takes 3 jobs 120 hours a week for years. I will fight for him!

I plan on the test...trust me.
Mom always told me i'm a nice guy..... people always say nice guys finish last. I'm not worried any longer about the 2 I picked to marry, I'm not going to pick a 3rd!

thanks for the support!

Thanks to both of you then.

Being away from my son is KILLING me. this will be the longest weekend of my entire life!

And well you should.

I'm sorry for all you're going through right now.

Hang in there. You'll make it!

~ Marsh

If this comes from a third party – like an OB – then that is not a breach of the RO.

So you are going to let your pride seal it that your son and unborn child are raised in a broken home. OK – that‘s you call. You will be “right” but you will also be miserable.

Maybe you did rush into this marriage but it’s lasted several years. Believer – I really thought what made MB unique amongst infidelity sites is the emphasis on SAVING marriages. This situation is IMHO totally salvageable and I think we should be directing TOMK towards saving his marriage.

bigger - You are exactly right!

I think the marriage is very savageable also. Excuse me - I got sidetracked by the two marriage part, and was thinking about paying two sets of child support.

More checking needs to be done to expose any affair. It will be harder, but the truth always comes out in the end.

In the meantime, keep reading here about how a good marriage is supposed to be.

This sickens me. She makes me miserable, but I just thought of our typical Saturday mornings.... off to breakfast at the local mom & pops diner. Then over to a lookout area for the commercial airlines in the area as we sit there having coffee...talking about nothing at all, but talking. and enjoying our son being ever so excited to "go see airplanes".

...I wonder if she'll still take him there tomorrow or if she's made plans to go seek comfort from her family and tell them what a horrible person I am. It's apparent from her email to "J" she thinking good ridance.

If that email was real and she did call the cops to say I took the router.... shouldn't they have a BOLO on me? Is it just a matter of time before I'm picked up and swept into another cell?

Here I am hating her and what she's done, yet I still try to help her... knowing that i took my wireless router, I called the ISP to call her to help her fix her connection. What's ironic is that I was going to leave one of the older ones in its place with a note on how to connect to it. but in all the maddness of trying to get my stuff during the civil standby and being irritated that she felt the need to go through every single box before I could take it to my car.... I forgot. I was even going to risk the RO and bring one back...until I got the phone call and the hate email of course. Then reality slapped me again... why do I KEEP TRYING to be nice again?????

I under estimated her too... my router was reconfigured. She either did it, or called her Company IT guys and they walked her through it. Get this, the wireless SSID was "Scorned1"

Touche` sweetheart!
Whenwe met, her profile was "DevilishGreenEyed1"... i shoulda known then....

Apparently she is emailing everyone she thinks I am in contact with and feeling the need to give her version of the full story. Why she feels it so important to involve others in our cirles of our Domestic issues is beyond me. I guess she just wants to make sure that any existing or new relationships are difficult for me...no matter who they are with.

She seems to have sent out some sort of "form letter email" to people she thinks I may be staying with. Here's an excerpt:


So this was sent to my sister, whom she can't stand, but is telling her hope all is well....

and apparently this is yet another ploy to have me go to anger management...as a way of saying "Yes, I did hit her and threaten her life and told her I would kidnap my son"?!?!?!?!?!

THIS IS WHY MEN GET IN TROUBLE FOR KIDNAPPING THEIR CHILDREN!!! Psychos like this!

All I wanted to do was get my things and leave, for how long I didn't know. I just knew I was going and didn't even know where I was going. But she had to call the cops and lie. I know i sound like a broken record don't I?

At least had I left on my own, she wouldn't have to keep saying she didn't want me arrested. What frikkin outcome was she expecting after telling the police I threated her life??!! I also could have the the situatioin diffuse itself a little bit and gone back on my own to talk with her... none of this civil standby bull either, which apparently just added fuel to her fire.

I can't do anything right! ugh

Good lord - unbelievable situation. Her version is totally different version from yours. Did she learn propaganda tactics from the Nazis?

I am naive - but to think think that anyone can have their husband thrown in a cell without so much as their word and deny any visitation to their child is rather disturbing to me.

Hang in there. Hope someone who had a similar situation joins on this thread to give some advice.

Do you have any previous history of domestic violence? Were you abusive to your former wife? Have the police ever before been called to your house? Do you have any convictions for violence?

If the answer is “no” then consider doing the following:

Either through the police or DA (Mr. Wondering can tell you which is better) ask for a meeting. Explain what sparked this – your W’s case of a STD that she thinks you gave her. Show your result and them of the evidence that this disease can be dormant in women. Then show them the e-mails you have. Emphasize that you have no past record of abuse and your XW can confirm that. Based on that evidence I venture the DA will drop the case.

Will they charge your W for a false charge? Maybe. Doubt it. If so then I would like to live in your neck of the woods where the DA and police have so little real crime to handle. Even IF they charge her then it’s probably only a reprimand seeing she is pregnant. In fact – if this is inevitably heading for divorce then having her reprimanded can be to your advantage.

TOMK,
This is an adult site. People post here because of marital problems. Serious issues. So I’m not going to mince words. I’m going to say things like I see them.

The reason you feel you can’t do anything right is because I really can’t see you have done anything.

So far you have focused on her actions, other people’s reactions and petty issues. You focus on the pain you feel and how things could turn out for the worst. This will not get you anywhere. It’s like if you were on a small boat with a hole in the hull. You are watching the water flow in an all you do is minimize how wet you get, but eventually the boat will sink and you will get soaked. What we can do is point out how you can plug the hole and then possibly bail out the water. You’ll get wet but you won’t drown.

NOONE – Not Bigger, Wondering, Believer or any one of us well-intended people can get you out of this. Only you can. That’s because all we can do is write and suggest. All action has to be on your part.

Your W is on her own agenda based on what she perceives as the truth. We have had BS post here where they tell us that they threw their WS out, got a RO, cut of visitation and initiated D and we CHEER THEM ON. She truly believes you cheated and justifies all her actions on that base.

Knock that base away. I have already told you how you can get the info on dormant Chlamydia to her without breaking the RO. A simple way would be to ask your sister to send it. So you and your sister are not talking? So what. This is your FAMILY we are talking about. To save my family I would talk to the devil if I had to. If the sister is out then your W best friend. If that is out then your pastor. If you are Jewish your Rabbi. Whatever. Just get the info to her. You are a computer guy. You have heard of search engines. You can find the data about dormant STD’s in a few minutes just like I did.

So your W suggests anger management. Do you need it? Honestly I can’t see you do based on these posts but I do believe you need emotional focus. You seem to hang on to minor and basically banal issues without seeing the complete picture. Look at your situation as a war – not a battle. When fighting a war then losing an occasional battle is OK. Even strategically necessary. As long as you win the war.

Did you know that George Washington only won a few battles in his career? Fewer than one third of the battles he took part in if I remember correctly. But he won the important ones and therefore he won the war.

IF she opens dialogue with you then offer a good path back. Like offer that you both seek counseling and that you two get MC. Accept that you “both” overreacted. Your short term goal is to get the charges dropped, get back in the house and to your kid, calm the situation. Your mid-term goal is to get to MC. Long term goal create a good marriage.

My question is


did you ever get a paternity test on the child you currently have together?


Because IF she planned this from the start


The OM may have been there all along

and TOMK might not even be the daddy of the one he thinks he is the daddy of right now.

Not to mention the one on the way

given this wife's background.


something to think about

If it were me, I would have the son's cheek swabbed at the very first opportunity. A DNA kit on hand for that chance.

SB

I was thinking the same thing, SB.

~ Marsh

No to all four. Though one time when my current wife and I moved from one side of town to the other, we had yet another STUPID argument, about what I have no idea. But she left to the other house. I had the baby (of course) and continued packing. Well I leave...with the baby to go get something to drink. Sweet ole wifey-poo returns to see me and baby gone. What does she do?

Call the cops saying I kidnapped him. I return non the wiser and continue packing, she tell s me I better call the cops and let them know where I am as they are out looking for me. I never did call them, and they never showed up. I don't know if she called them or if it was complete bull to try to get me back to Mr submissive hubby.

I want to get her the info on the dormant STD thing, but I can't. I have to wait til the RO court date at least. Apparently I ahve a new court date for the RO, which is next friday, but the 12/13 court date is for the criminal charges of "threatening her life and the unborn baby"... this is great! So even if she drops the charges on 10/12 I could still go to jail for up to 6 years if the DA wants.

I'll worry about that bridge when I need ot cross it. Until then I'll see what I can do to A) get her the info and B) get her to read it and C) - the ringer, get her to believe it's possible.

I know, as you may all learn to eventually, Wife is ALWAYS right, and I am always wrong. Anything I point out is inaccurate and inconcescquntial. But hey...can never say I've nver tried!

Somewhere along the line I think lines got crossed here too, I do talk with my sister. She's been kind enough to let me sleep in her basement the last few days while I try to get a handle on this all....

OH and I JUST realized that all the reference to "TOMK"... is me. Duh. Just goes to show how "slow" of a man I am I guess.

Oh and my son is mine, there's no denying that. He looked like me for 8-12 months then turn to look like her father more. But he's 100% me! well...50% anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

TOMK,

I didn’t expect you to have any abusive history.

If your W made a false accusation to the police regarding having kidnapped your kid then it‘s documented. Even if there is no action or response it will be noted in the police blotter. Follow my advice regarding talking to the police/da and point to that incident also.

DO NOT WAIT FOR THE RO COURT DATE. Your best bet is to have this stopped ASAP. Not in court. Don’t let this escalate.

Schoolbus: what in W background supports your OM theory?

I Still think she may have an OM. She says she needs space, and is sure h*ll-bent on getting you out of the home. That is usually a clue that there is an affair.

And a WW, though she is having an affair, will most likely blaim her husband, because OF COURSE, the OM wouldn't give her a STD.

Do you have an anger problem at all? It just seems odd that she would be talking about anger management.

Does her mother treat her father poorly?

Her mother and father, sister and husband also "fight alot. More her sister and husband then mother and father. Although no one seems to want to pull any punches at any time, regardless of where we all are. Family cookout inthe parent's back yard, or at an outing at the grandparents house. Also, She left the house at 17 and returned at 27.... Along with her older sister, whom to this day I've never met...and the family NEVER talks about.

Yes I have anger issues at times, but mostly it's in defense of her. No one can never get angry...can they?

It has built over the years to the point where, Like I've said, I just feel like I exist in this marriage... I have no active role. If I try to communicate my opinion, it falls on deaf ears....

She's the boss, there is no 50-50. Oh unless of course I can fimnd a job that makes more money than hers, then I can be boss... I don't want o be boss. I want to be a team! (hence the reson I put her name on the title of a car I paid for outright...and other things)

yeah... her younger sister and hubby fight CONSTANTLY in front of their 6 year old girl... ALL the time. She tells him to F off and he tells her she's a worthless drunk slut.

I used to befreind him and try to figure out why our wives (both sisters) treat us like sh*t. But he doesn't care.

Daddy takes care of his girls an in that takes care of him too (financially) The younger sister and hubby have a house that was basically given to them in the back yard...cuz they gave Daddy the first grandchild (on record anyway)

My wife wouldn't let me buy 2 new cars back when i bought the first because her father gave her a car... granted it was new to him and a hand me down to her, but it was 10 years old, we were having a baby, and I wanted new cars for safety.

I sold my car and bought the new one. Wifey ended up with the new car and I drove the one her father gave her...for almost another 2 years until it was cost effective to finally get rid of it.

She was worried what her father would think of us getting rid of it... he ended up not caring and proud of me for buying another new, safe car.

Married 6/25/04
Left 9/04 returned 11/04
Baby 8/05
New baby due 4/08
Arrested for trying to leave on my own 10/2/07
4 year anniversary 6/08 will we make it?
Should we bother to try?

With all I have rad today on dormant Chlamydia.... I'm hoping she will just be upset she got this from someone before me and just reacted thinking I did a horrible act... though she's been accusing me of that since 1 week after marriage....

I have suggested Counseling in the past, she says she doesn't need it. if "we" need it then we don't belong together. After my first marriage I was on Paxil for about 6 months and it helped me tremendously. I mentioned perhaps I should go back on it? She said she will not be married to a medicated husband.

Recently I'm the one that needs this counseling and that counsleing... according to her. I'm also recently been told maybe it's time for medication again...

I absolutely feel you on the -"if "we" need it then we don't belong together."

My wife has said the same thing, wanting me to be capable of fixing things on my own. She just wanted me to CARE enough to figure it out! That is the problem, is that sometimes guys just don't care enough to ACTUALLY figure it out, or even own up to the problems. I think my relationship is at an end, because it was NEVER me that tried to figure things out, and that was because of the same reasons that I was causing the problems in the first place. The biggest sign of some one withdrawing from the relationship is the problems they cause. They don't talk out their issues, and create problems to distract. I then tried to make OTHER excuses for WHY I was creating problems. But it was simply my desire to withdraw.!

I can't figure out my desire to withdrawal!!!

I would suggest not doing this. If his W is actually cheating on him, in doing this he would only be giving her an alibi for her infection.

What is it you like about your wife? She doesn't sound very appealing - and she has been like this your WHOLE marriage?

Yes there is a slight possibility that W has been having an affair for years, that kid no. 1 is really OM son, that unborn is really OM kid too. That OM gave her Chlamydia (that he got and transmitted to WW in the period of time from when WW and TOMK last had sex and she was diagnosed (because otherwise TOMK would also be infected)). Mind you – that would indicate OM is cheating on WW (he has to get the disease somewhere). Yes – this could all be an elaborate set-up to make TOMK pay for child support.

But if they took bets on this situation then my money is on the dormant Chlamydia theory.

Honestly? I can't remember any more. It's been so long since we ha da real genuine good time with each other.

Yes, she ahs been like this the whole marriage. Pre marriage she was the best thing to ever happen to me I think. Then after she found out about a girl I dated before I even knew her, and the lunch with my exwife to tell her I was remarried.

Which by the way was about 2 weeks after we were married. Got married and spent a w eek in the Grand Canyon, came home, life was great. Got a call fromt he ex that it's my weekend with the kids, during drop off told her I was remarried. Wife found ouot and the spit hit the fan....it hasn't stopped. Granted there are days when there is little spit, but there is ALWAYS spit. Ok well maybe the week we spent in the hospitol waiting for our son to arrive...

Oh that reminds me, my wife has always been very kind to me when we go away on a road trip, long weekend, or vacation. But the SECOND we get home, "b*tch mode" turns back on.

Do I love her? ..Ok I've sat here for a good 10 minutes trying to type after that.

I've missed her more today then the rest of the week....but was it becasue i had all day with no work distractions to think about it? (I also went back to "bed" in the basement about 3 hours after I got up and slept most of the day away)

I miss doing things with her. Not just now that I'm gone. I missed then when I was living at home to.

I miss my boy something bad. I hope he's doing OK and that she's not filling his head with crap about how daddy is gone and stuff...

Before we were married she saw the good in everyone, now she's just angry with everyone and always has a comment to make about everyone.... as though they are lucky to be in the same area as her...

I wanted this next baby to be mine, never even crossed my mind that it wasn't until last friday when she told me she had an STD and accused me of cheating. My heart ...I just had this complete empty feeling inside and all I did was hold my son as much as I could and told him how much I loved him.

I still want this baby to be mine, I want to be there when (hopefully she) comes into this world.

I want my family intact!!! I want love and trust in my family!!

How do I get that back if she won't even consider the possibilty that I didn't cheat, I'm telling the truth, and I... I think if I can get my family back, I could forgive her if she cheated. Shoot, part of me is already talking myself out of the possiblity of her cheating, I'm in sort of a denial that she would ahve and that this dormant STD theory is what has plagued my fmaily and set her off on me....

I want to go home. But I can't, the law won't let me now. I want to let her know about the stuff I found (thanks to you) about the dormant Chlamydia but I can't have my sister email her, I can't have anyone relay a message to her for me. It's against the RO and I'll go to jail. If I had warm fuzzies that she'd let it slide igot that info to her, i'd consider it. But the way we last spoke... I think it will just be more ammo for her to use against me.

So... jail and a record vs trying to get my family back...

for the record, we live in New Hampshire. By law we would each have to fill out a financial affidavit. She makes 3-4 times as much as I do. She would get the minimum required by law, and I belive that's $50 a month.

Not to mention that she's (sadly every time we argue and told me to get out) promised not to seek child support from me.

Doesn't matter anyway, cuz if it comes down to that, I will be seeking custody. What mother lives 10 minutes from home and gets daycare 3 buildings away from her office, yet leaves for work at 4am, doesn't come home till 6-6:30PM... AND expects, no demands, that hubby - who has to travel the complete other direction, to drop off the baby at daycare???? To me... a mother who is a mother when she wnats to be. Period.

I can leave my job at 5:00, get to the baby, get home, heck most nights even get his dinner ready, before she walks in the door.... And her office is less than 1/2 from him.

I don't think she is going to dump you because she needs you too much. Maybe she is frustrated at being a mother. Some women just aren't cut out to be one.

I don't know your wife, but even I looked up the Chlamydia on the net, and there are LOTS of stories of married folks who end up with it when there has been no cheating. I am assuming that your wife would look it up also.

You need to stay away and stay out of trouble. See if she starts contacting you.

She's a great mom...when she's home with him. I don't think she'll be contacting me again. unless.... another week of her dropping off and picking up gets to her.

I have no clue what or who she's told. If she's told her family, she will want to save face with THEM and I'm history....

TOMK,

I don’t understand your reluctance in getting the info on dormant Chlamydia though to her.

The absolutely first step in ending this is to get her to be willing to accept the possibility that the STD is not from an infidelity. I personally think her reactions are so strong because she is innocent of an affair and assumes you are the guilty party here.

You can get it to her through a third party. This issue regarding the RO and your visitation to your kid could be cleared up in a couple of hours.

The “system” works in a way where escalation is always bad. Right now the DA could simply remove the charge. Finito. Case closed. If this goes to court there will not be a Matlock moment.

You two definitely need work. That’s obvious. But I truly believe you can make it.

It’s all down to you. Once you stop being a victim and start working on saving your relationship things will happen. Your recent comments reek of you feeling like a victim. We can send you virtual hugs and Kleenex but that won’t get you anywhere.

Listen, I do NOT WANT TO GO TO JAIL!!!!
I have a restraining order on me that will not let me remove my name off the utilities, I can't go to my mailbox and get my mail, I can't go to my house, I can't go anywhere she is within 1000 yards, I can't talk to her OR HAVE ANYONE ELSE TALK TO HER FOR ME.

If I do ANY of the above, I go to jail till my court case. 12/13

Are you suggesting I go to jail so that I can give her this information about a dormant STD? In the hopes that she might belive THAT over her thoughts that I was the one who cheated?

I want to get this info to her so that she too may feel the way I feel... put some doubt in her mind that maybe I didn't cheat, as I now have doubts that she cheated. But I can't unless I want to go to jail!!

I dont pretend to know the nature of RO in NH...

The RO was placed on you - correct? Your wife sent an email to your sister. How can that be against you if your family member responds to an email that was originally sent by your wife. Is she going to have your sister arrested? - How can the officials arrest you if your sister responds to your wife's email - i dont get this logic.

Does the RO include all your family members even when she starts the conversation via email? Does she have the right of only having a one way conversation from everyone she chooses?

Sure wish Mr W or MEDC can look at this thread - this is odd to me. There has to be something more here that is missing.

Yes... NH Law, whoever is on the receiving end of and RO cannot contact in any way shape or form. However, the one who issued can still (I call it harrass) contact the other any way they like, if the reciever replies at all, it's a violation of the RO.

Stupid.

I've asked the Police and researched it. She can call me, if I answer the phone and she shows the phone bill with the call lasting longer than 1 minute, we spoke and I violated my RO.

If she IMs me and I reply, I violoated my RO.
If she emails me and I reply, I violoated my RO.
If she contacts anyone I know and I relay information to her through them, I violated my RO.

The answers to my questions are:
Do not reply to IMs or Emails, print them and bring them to court. Do not answer the phone when she calls or call her back regarding a message she leaves.

Basically I have to sit with my hands tied until my court date.

Unless of course I want to go to jail. But going to jail to say something like...

I would leave her COMPLETELY alone. She is smart enough to look it up on the computer. I know I would want to know where it came from.

I really think she will start missing you. I raised my sons alone for the first 12 years, and it wasn't easy. I felt very lonely, and always behind in everything.

Meanwhile, you need to do some reading and posting on the Emotional Needs board on ways to react to her disrespect toward you. The folks there are experts.

I have to leave her alone. no choice there.

I have been trying to explain that to bigger...

I would LOVE to know what she's thinking, but I guess that will come in time.

My sister thinks the email sent to someone named "J" wasn't really sent to "J" and that it was sent to me to get a reaction.

If that email is accurate and sent to whoever "J" is, I'm screwed.

OK Got it...altho I don't fully understand it.

This goes beyond disrespect. You are being abused by your spouse and the system. Not sure there is much of marriage to build here. Good grief - who would want to live under this threat for the rest of your life ? There is more then Emotional Needs not being met here.

Speaking as a male and trying to put myself in your situation - who needs this crap - i know - not the MB way. Not giving advice - this is just my comments while thinking out loud.

I can't disagree with you - priority one is stay out of jail. Fighting the RO and the abuse charges are going to take a lot of your energy. Did you ever get an Atty for your case?

That's NOT true. That's not even remotely true. Whoever told you that has NO idfea of what they are saying. Absolutely, positively untrue...in every single state in this fine country.

the restraining order is issued by a judge and can only be rescinded by a judge. However, you cannot be held liable for a crime that YOU did not commit. While you should not engage in any conversation with her....you should make note if she contacts you and speak to the clerk in the judges office. More likely than not, the order would be amended if she is the one contacting you. If not,she will told to cease and desist by the judge.

You could spend 2 minutes telling her to not contact you again. Phone calls are billed in minute increments so even if your answering machine were to pick up, it would show a minute for a call.

Use some sense here and stay away from anyone that has taken out an order on you. Call the judge and make it clear that she is putting obstacles in the way to obeying his order.

And do not call her back....ever...as you noted.

In NH here is what a judge can do in a RO..

How can a protective order help me?

In a final order, a judge may order your abuser:

not to abuse you, your relatives, or your household members in any way
to stay away from:
your home,
your place of employment,
school, and/or
any specified place you or any family or household member go
not to contact you
not to take, sell, or damage your property
to return your personal items
A judge may also:

grant you temporary custody of children, determine visitation, order that visitation shall be supervised, or order a specific visitation schedule
order your abuser to help support you and your children financially
order your abuser to make automobile, insurance, health care, utilities, rent, and/or mortgage payments
grant you "exclusive use" of any property you own with your abuser, such as your home, household furniture and car.
order your abuser to turn over all firearms and all other deadly weapons to the police or sherriff
order your abuser to pay you for out-of-pocket expenses resulting from the abuse, such as
hospital, doctor or dentist bills;
lost wages;
taxi fares or babysitting costs;
moving or shelter expenses
prevent your abuser from disconnecting your utilities and services, or discontinuing your mortgage or lease
restrain your abuser from intimidating you, your relatives (whether or not they live with you) or your household members
order your abuser to attend counseling
order that your abuser pay your attorney's fees
Whether or not a judge orders any or all of these depends on the facts of your case.

yep...long laundry list there.
wonder where my rights are in this list.

I'm just going on what the officer's who arreseted me said, and the officers who where there at each civil standby.

I don't make a habit out of disobeying the advise of a law enforcement official...

If I call the clerks office, we all know what I'm going to be told. The date for the RO review (to go from temp to perm or -hopefully dropped) is 10/12. They are going to make me wait another week, cuz to them it's just a week.

To me, being away from my son a day might as well be a lifetime.

Besides, I thought the idea was to get this info to her BEFORE the court date, so how the heck do I do that? i can't....

anything you need to get to her should be sent through either a third party...or your lawyer.

I have not read your entire thread, but as a former cop I was baffled by what you were told, so I looked up the NH info.

That list is not meant to protet your rights. I don't know why the order was issued in the first place...so, I cannot speak to what you should have done to protect your rights.

And as far as your call to the clerks office, do not assume that is what you will hear. Judges do not like their orders being ignored.

have you offered to take a polygraph test to prove you have not cheated on her?

what exactly did she tell the police to have you arrested?

make an offer to the judge to take a polygraph if the order is not lifted. While they are NOT admissible in court, they are very frequently used to rule out a criminal act.

If your wife has testified falsely against you...hold her feet to the fire and make it known that you will be willing to press charges against her. This should be done through an attorney.

you should also contact her OB/GYN in writing and ask that the dormant issue be addressed with her. I believe that it probably was already but that she is just reacting emotionally. Let them know your family is being torn apart and that you need them to educate her about this disease.

i'm not ignoring the order, I'm doing everything in my power to follow it to the T. I've gottem email, IMs, and phone calls that seem top be just to get me to react and reply. I refuse to.

I have offered to take the polygraph but she keeps saying "you're so good at lying you could beat that thing without even trying". This is one thing I can't seem to get her to get past, she thinks every word out of my moth is a lie. It's very frustrating and partially the reason why I stopped engaging any time she seemed to want to pick a fight.

I was charged with "back handing her" then "pushing her into a wall" then "threatening to kill her and kidnap my son". All lies. She called the cops on me simply becuase I refused to acknowledge her, never mind argue with her, while I was trying to calmly pack my things to leave for a while. I can only assume, even though I'm constantly being told to get out, that she paniced and thought if she called the cops I would talk to her.

Her OB/GYN is the one that "informed her that she had the STD and that I probably gave it to her". As I can't talk to her now and don't know her current Dr, that will be difficult to thank them for ruining my family. And thank them for NOT telling her the full story after she told them she was going to "Kill her F*ing husband" (Could I get an RO on her for that?!?!?! - just a rhetorical comment there) And that is was indeed possible to have had this for years as it lay dormant.

I'm not saying this is a case of a Dormant STD, but I'm really hoping it is! Why? Cuz I knwo i didn't cheat on her, and I REALLY hope she didn't cheat on me. At least it would be easier to move forward with those facts out of the way!

oh...well, perhaps she is the cheater and is using this crapp as a way to get out.

do you have a lawyer? If not...get one immediately.

have a lawyer contact this ob/gyn. there is enough clinical information out there to suggest this could be a dormant issue. Have YOU spoken to this doctor...because I wonder if a medical professional actually told her something like that. It would seem to open them up to litigation if in fact they are wrong. I have my suspicions about your wife.

On top of that , many of the things that you have said about her make me question her maturity and the type of mom she really is.

Haven't spoken to her Dr... don't know who that is. Which you make me realize is quite strange.... last time she was pregnant, i went to EVERY appointment. She hasn't asked me to go to a single one of these. But then I thought that was because of us growing distant... who knows.

If i could have my way, she would respect me and my opinions, at least listen to them before basically telling me it's her way period. And I would have my family intact, and this new baby coming (still hopeful for a girl) is mine. And we can get on with our lives in a happy mutually equal way.

I ahve a court appointed atty for the criminal charges I have to go to court for on 12/13. I asked if she could help me see my son before then. I was told as a court appointed atty, she can only assist with the crimial case. Although, she did tell me to bring in the printed emails with me when i go see her wednesday...

So, Monday... do I call the clerk and ask if they can have the email with the links I want my wife to read sent to her without me gettign into trouble? I just think a "civil servant' will take the easy raod and make me wait....

Tonight marks one week of not seeing my son. I don't know how I will have my head in my work tomorrow....

Sorry if I‘m not being nice but I see our job as to save your marriage, not your feelings.

TOMK – you are full of excuses but short on action.

A letter like this could be sent to her family, friends or whatever:
“You have probably heard WW asked me to move out. She is certain I had an affair and bases that on the fact she was diagnosed with Chlamydia. I too was examined and no Chlamydia was found in me. I have done some research and there is a lot of evidence that Chlamydia can remain dormant and undiagnosed in women, even for years. A sudden change in body chemistry – such as a pregnancy can cause – alters the immune system and waken the dormant disease. Unfortunately due to the RO I cannot get this information to W. I think she still thinks the Chlamydia is from me but my negative test proves that is not the case.
Here are some links about dormant Chlamydia.”

In the above you have given all the issues and all the evidence and NOT suggested the receiver talk to W. However – one of them is bound to. As a father I would talk to my daughter if she had a similar case. Action.

Then there is the option of talking to the DA as I have pointed out. Have you already phoned the police to see if they can find the time your W claimed you kidnapped your son in their blotter? Action.

Then there is the option of seeking legal advice. Action.

But then. You also have the option of NOT seeing your son until late December. That’s only a couple of months away….

TOMK – this is the reality you are facing.

listen...this is all starting to add up now. think about this for a minute...your wife has kept you from a doctor that supposedly told her you gave her an STD...I just do not see a doctor making that kind of statement, so right off the bat, I think she is a liar. Couple that with her lies to the court and I would bet the house you are dealing with a WS.
Now, who provides the health insurance? You or our wife? Call the carrier either way and see if you can find out what bills have been paid. Hire your own lawyer. Hire a PI if need be...you need to fight the [censored] out of this stuff and NOW. She is an unfit parent if she had her child's father arrested on trumped up charges...she is AN UNFIT PARENT.....remember that.
Get a lawyer...one that specializes in fathers rights...hire a PI if you can. Get very aggressive with this. Skip the comments about civil servants...your demeaning attitude comes through loud and clear to me and it will do you no good...and it is an unfair characterization.

The issue here is you need to take the offensive...forget about your M for right now and do what you can to secure your rights to see your son and have these charges handled properly.

MEDC

I'm betting the doctor never told W that TOMK gave her the STD. The doctor (or whoever read the results) only said she HAD an STD. Not how she got it.

Do you really believe this paranoia theory yourself mkeverydaynt? I absolutely think one of the worst things we can do to a person facing issues in his marriage is fan paranoia.

what paranoia theory...I am basing my comments on sound practical sense, not paranoia? I do not believe a doctor would make a comment like that...since she would obviously be aware of the possibility of a dormant disease.
In addition, the H does not know the OB...that is strange. The wife has lied in court, that is criminal.

nothing paranoid about any of that. I think the worst thing we can do is ignore the FACTS as they have been presented. We already know his wife is a liar...now it is trying to figure out where her lies begin and end.

So, you suggest I contact her family. Again....right in black and white in the RO... I CANNOT!!!

I wish i had the time to type this thing out word for word or have access to a scanner and post it as an image.

I've called the PD from 18 months ago when we moved, no record of her ever calling the police to either address while we lived there. So again, my word against hers.

Apologies for the civil servant comments. I guess no one really understands my frustrations...

I was on the phone with the police the night she called them, i told the officer ont he other end there was no need to come out, i wasn't speaking to her and she was pissed and making accusasions. I said if they came out i would end up arrested, i was told that's not neccessarily the case, she could be the one asked to leave. .... Asked to leave, so again, the female gets to go on her own to find a place to stay, yet the male gets arrested.

Why? Did I touch her? NO! Was there ANY evidence that I did? NO! Did I threaten her? NO!!!! Was there evidence of that? NO! Just her word against mine. Who's did the officers chose to believe? Antoher 30 seconds and I would have been gone!!! My stuff packed and driving around trying to think of somewhere to go.

I'd be HOME right now, taking to my wife trying to get to the bottom of it. But no.. oh wait, am i rambling with excuses again?

How is any of this helping me? I'm saying the same stuff over and over again.

The advise I keep getting is to tell her about the dormant STD theory. Maybe I shoudl send the email, then wait..no just drive myslef to the PD Station and turn myslef in so they don't have to waste man hours on the BOLO????

bigger, i appreciate the help but how many ways can i say it? I cannot relay a message to her, i cannot talk to her freinds , family, or coworkers.

A phone call to the DA/clerks office will do me no good on a weekend...we all know that. i will however take your advise and see what I can manage first thing tomorrow morning.

MEDC,
gotta have $$ for a lawyer and a PI...
like i've said, she's the one that made the $$ in the family. i have a court appointed atty for the criminal charges, she can't assist with the RO

Finally... someone beside me thinks SHE's the liar. I've been dealing with all the fingers (hers of course) pointing at me for years!

For the record... she didn't lie in court, she lied to the police on the phone and when they showed up at the house.

Oh... and she "doesn't lie" ... she has this remarkably uncanny way of saying something which she knows not to be completely true, but she'll say it in a way to make you believe it is.

If you ask her a question, she won't lie, but she will answer in a way that clears her of lieing, but leaves you to beleive something totally inaccurate... very good talent at this. And she (and her sister) brag about this all the time!!!

I tend to believe you as well. I think 'Bigger' might be focussing too much on the possible explanation for the STD and neglecting to look at the other aspects of your situation that throw a lot of light on your W's personality, e.g. her lying to the police in order to have you arrested and thrown out of your own home. Someone capable of doing this as more than capable of gaslighting you and concealing from you what she's really doing when you're not looking.



It's called "lying by omission" and IMO a technique commonly deployed by an accomplished gaslighter. My FWW did it to me as well, declaring on D-Day that she "never lied to me" about anything. That your W actually brags about her skills with lying by omission, well, that's another sign of her personality that the others here need to take into consideration before asking you to show her your cards before you play them.

If I was you, under no circumstances would I even suggest to her now that there's another possible explanation for why that STD of hers now showed up - believe me, she will use it to her advantage when the opportunity arises. Instead, I suggest keeping mum about your tests until you have her in a situation where she doesn't have the time to develop a plausible story around it, e.g. if and when she presents at any legal hearing the fact of her having an STD as proof that you were involved in an A. IMO now's the time to keep your cards close to your chest and play them when they'll have maximum impact.

problem with that is... she knows how I "work" she knows what buttons to push and when. SHE... knows when to hold them, and when to play them, better then any person I've ever known.

I am so up and down about all this... i feel like a battered woman, PLEASE excuse the example! I feel like she will always lie to me, and has been... but at the very same time i don't want to beleive that she has.

Oh man... the thoughts of when she would tell me "DO you really want to go there? Do you really want to find out what i can have done to you? Don't make me show you that I can have your life ruined with one simple phone call..."

.... to say "on more than one occassion" wouldn't do that saying justice at all...

Sounds like she is sick to me. I suggest you stay away from her now that she has proven how malicious she is.

she HAD TO lie on an official document to get a restraining order.

DO NOT send that email.

It sounds to me like you are your own worst enemy. Get a plan and stick to it.

As far as the police...your telling them on the phone not to come out should have been ignored. I do not know the laws about domestic violence in your state..but think they are pretty similar. I don't know why you were arrested if there was no sign of a struggle or a mark on her.

I don't care how you wind up having to get a lawyer...credit or whatever....you need one no matter what. Make it happen.

Stay away from your wife...she is a cancer and most likely involved in ana affair.

MEDC quote below is the scenario I cant get my head around.





This is a deal breaker in my view. Don't care if or where the STD came from or if there was an OM - doesn't matter - this is pure evil and not sure one can recover from having your rights taken away and handed over to the county jail by your own spouse no less. That's a betrayal that's over the top if there is no abuse.

This can happen over and over again - and this wife will be gaslighting your kids against you for ever ad naseum. Who can live a life like that ? No man needs to have a wife with these these issues. Too bad there are kids involved.

if he can get proof that hs elied, he should have her arrested.

I agree, it would be a deal breaker for me too. Marriage over.

proof that she lied? About the accusasion to have me arrested?

how can i prove that? I supposedly back handed her, wouldn't that leave a mark? I supposedly pushed her into the wall, again where's the bruise on her form that? or the hole inthe wall? How do i convince ANYONE that the accusasion that I threatened her life is false too? No one was there but her & I. Even the baby was in his crib...because he did something that upset her so she put him to bed early. Still don't knwo what that was by the way.

For all i know, seeing how i was whisked away, there very well could be a hole in the wall and a mark where ever I "back handed" her... and a hole in the wall certainly is easy enough to create after the police have left the house.

The truly amazing part of me FINALLY getting back into the house (4 days and 4 attempts) was houw clean the place was. It wasn't that clean when we moved in, six months ago. And there used to be unpacked boxes EVERYWHERE.... it was all gone, put away, and cleaned....

For who? The boyfreind? The Cops? Who?

...I remember in my previous marriage, when a really F*ed up..and she would take a drive.... I cleaned like a ... like I never cleaned before. weird, but I did.

Is that some sort of known guilt thing?

here I go flip flopping again.... dangit, I must have some sort of battered woman syndrome..... is there a term used for a case like mine? emotionally battered man syndrome?

First and foremost I guess is self preservation. Do whatever it takes to get those charges dropped. meaning somehow prove they were false accusasions. that's going to be tuff... Well i have no criminal record, that should count for something, right?

I just want to hold my boy!

i can't think

Basically anyone who's interested enough to take a closer look at the situation, IMO. I'm guessing that she wants to present the image of a wonderful and caring wife and mother who suffered abuse at the hands of her H.

Keep your cards close to your chest, and get a good lawyer.

Yep bigger, that's what my W told me too. Until it was finally proven that she, her OM, and lastly me were infected with an STD.

She made very sound arguments just like you. I almost bought into them until she finally confessed. Medical evidence is indisputable. If TOMK is being honest, his case is closed!

If you are right, you would be one of the 1% difference to the rule. Do you you want TOMK to hang his hat on this?

I don't think MEDC' post has anything to do with paranoia. I think he weighs the evidence, as I was once taught to do. And I believe he is correct!

Take another serious look at all of this before you post any further advise. I think you are being duped, as is TOMK.

ALL Blessiings,
Jerry

Didn't IABPS have a similar situation with the W making up accusations? In their case, I think she absconded with the children...but I seem to remember he got FULL CUSTODY of the kids in fairly short order after that. How did he accomplish this?

There is a couple of things that make me want to [censored] my head to the side here-and wonder

So , thinking aloud here.

I can sense you're a very passionate person by your writing ,T- *coniving ******* -didnt go down to well with me-heard it before.

Victims of domestic violence often feel sorry and guilt for their partner and do apologise, if a complaint is made. That would explain her email to me.

Your wife had twice bought up -you kidnapping the child...where does that fear come from? What is going on around her? This threat is very common in domestic violence situations.

another is...

You say that you were packing and would have been off the property within minutes-if that is the case ; as there was no, as you say no signs of assault...I am wondering, packed and all, why you wer'nt just escorted from the property-or was your wife extremely distressed for them to take such action as to arrest you?

My thoughts and questions

Max

Another thing.

You said she knows how to "push your buttons"

What does that mean?

What is it you are saying there?


More thinking aloud

Max

It means his wife is talented at being cruel and knows how to hurt him verbally.

TOMK-- listen to MEDC and ManinMotion. Good advice there. Do not break the RO.

I absolutely understand how you feel not being able to see your baby. Please, though, keep in mind that every step you take from this moment forward mus be methodically planned out to PROTECT your child from this WW. Her actions against you scream Wayward-- and I don't necessarily mean she's having an affair (though I do believe she is), she's wayward because she's acting to destroy your marriage.

From what you have shared here, your marriage was never a good one. How in heavens you could ever trust this woman not to repeat what she has done is beyond me. Her personality sounds spiteful and vindictive, so I can just imagine that this little victory of hers will only bolster that attitude.

You need a plan that revolves around protecting your children from this type of situation. What kind of job do you have now? Does it pay well? Can you look at the market and possibly get a better paying one? Do you have an education? Can you set up a stable home while you figure all this out? Do you have people who can testify to your strengths as a stay at home dad and parenting skills? I'm a stay at home mom and would be horrified if I was kept from my child by my husband. For me, it would be a deal breaker.

DO NOT CONTACT HER-- its exactly what she wants. Let her stew and not know what you are doing. Please get a consult with a lawyer who deals in family law-- maybe a father's rights website would help in that regard. A lot of lawyers give free consults, so it can't hurt to see one and ask questions.

Let's just get a battle plan together so you can handle the next few weeks. First step will be to figure out how you can regain visition/custody of your children during this seperation. I really wish you had come here before you decided to move out-- we all would have told you not to.

TOMK

I am just going to ask...

have you ever hit your wife?

have you ever threatened to take your kids?

I just want to make sure she has no basis to fear you.

The more I think about this the more I KNOW she was never told that by a doctor. I really suspect she is having an affair. You really will need to find some way to afford an attorney.

Deep breath....
I really wish I knew what to do and what was going on...

I guess I should say that her last relationship she was in while estranged from the rest of her family.... all ccording to her mind you. Was that she lived with an abusive man for 10 years. Never married to him and always knew the right time to leave for "X amount of time" to avoid the relationship form falling into what the law refers to as "Common Law Marriage". According to her, thsi guy would beat the ever lovin crap outta her for no apparent reason at all. Afetrt 10 years, and a shotgun to the head saying "If you leave I'll blow your head off" she finally left the guy.

I never met him but was warned he might stat stalking me. Never happened although he did call her quite a bit once he found out about me. The odd thing here is... all the stuff she warned me he woudl do... his best freind did instead.

Stalking, calling, making us both very uncomfortable. Almost, but not quite tot the point of getting an RO on him. There was a time after we were engaged that for whatever reason she decided to go out with him while I was out of town. They went to a hockey game. He had his arm around her and I guess (again - all from what she's told me) He was telling everyone around them that the ring she was wearing was from him. Apparently she gets a lot of comments on how nice it is... and that jerk tried to take credit for it....

One day on a road trip her ex's bets freind calls her again. While we are driving downt he road she has a long talk with him about how he needs to stop calling her, she's gettign married to me...blah blah blah.

this guy to this day gives me looks like I'm some kind of [censored], like he thinks he has the rights to be her next guy...

Anyway, according to her, she came from a very abussive relationship. Physically and Mentally.

Have I hit her ever? In anger, no. In play, yes. We tease and play with each toher from time to time and I smack her toosh or something. Hav eI ever hauled of and smacked her? No.

Have I threatened to take our son and leave only in retorts to her saying one day I'll come home and they'll be gone...

I don't want to live with threats every day, I just want to get along.

I called the courthouse today on MEDC's advise...guess what, they're closed for the holiday. I called the Police and gave them a breif synopsis of what I need to do. They agreed that they could give me another civil standby to give her the papers to read about the dormant STD. But not until tonight as she doesn't want the cops at her work... her employees don't need to know her personal life, according to an IM I got from her shortly after getting of the phone with the police.

So... do I print off the email I was going to send to her about the dormant STD theory, and hopefully be able to see my son today? Or... do I hold this stuff and bring it up in court on Friday?

I believe this court date is to determine if the RO should be uphelp or modified....

my hopes is that it goes away completely so that in turn the 12/13 court case for the criminal charges are dropped and I can get on with my life and figure out what to do about this marriage....

Sounds like the "best friend" is the person you should be looking at as the possible OM.



What did her previous BF have to say about that?



Heavens no - we don't want her to be embarrassed by the results of her own behaviour, do we? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.



I'm for staying mum until Friday, and not mentioning the dormant STD theory AT ALL! Instead, simply indicate that this apparently all started when your W found out she had an STD and thought that you were cheating, however you've been tested, you don't have any STDs, and you haven't been treated for any since you've been involved with your W. Let her do the hard work to come up with an alibi for her STD. For all you know, she might expose the *real* reason why she thinks she's got one now.

I just got another email from my wife...
It says the paperwork I filled out and left for her during the civil standby isn't filled out correctly and that I signed it in the wrong spot. This was to get my name legally off the utilities wihtout having htem shut off on her (before I even knew I couldn't do it due to the RO).

She thinks I'm dropping of "More paperwork" and instead of me coming to the house, she wants me to leave it at the police station for her to pick up. I don't want her thinking I have "paperwork" for her... I just want her to knwo about this dormant STD theory.

She first said in am IM to me, that I didn't reply to - this is SO HARD not to reply ro emails, IMs, or pick up the phone when she calls!!!

Anyway, she said to me in the IM that my son is sick, she's leaveing work early and taking him tot he Dr. And that they shoud be home about 4-4:30. To me that was an "OK you can come over" sort of thing... Maybe I read to much into that? I'm notorious for over analyzing....

And now that she's had time to think about it apprently, she thinks I ahve "paperwork" for her. I guess the officer that called her didn't tell her I just had somethign for her to read. The way he/she worded it to her...who knows.

I know I would be thinking here come the D papers....

Do I try to go see her tonight? ...and hopefully see and hug my boy?

I feel as though you are not listening to anyones advice here....no, you do NOT try and see her.

You do whatever it takes to get a lawyer and begin unraveling this mess.

NO ONE can help you until you help yourself.

When she's been int he shower or off the to store and fogot her cell phone, I check the numbers dialed and the numbers that came in. none have ever looked suspicious, and I don't think he has her new cell number anyway. It's been over 2 years since I've heard abotu him or heard him try to call.
As I said, never met him...

No, do not break the RO. I think that there's a good possibility that she's playing you.

My cell allows me to delete specific call records. Perhaps hers does as well. That there's no record on the phone does not mean that there haven't been any calls to or from him.

I wouldn't put it past her to try to get you to trip up and violate the order. I know it must be really hard not seeing your son. Tread carefully and get everything done legally. Think of it as an investment in your future as his dad.

Ok I'm at a loss.
So now do not give her the info on the dormant STD.

All weekend I was told to get the info to her by a third party, I called the courthouse and they are on holiday. So I called the PD. They say they can provide another civl service for me to give her the info if I print it out. I cannot email it to her.

I say " go see her" meaning give her this info provided I can get the Civil Standby. It would also be GREAT if I could see my son again. I have no alterior motives. Just give her the web links on the dormant STD and hopefully be able to see my son. I will leave when asked to. Quietly.

I'm anxious. I want to see my son, and I want to look into her eyes to see if I can figure out what she's thinking...

Is that so bad? Or...is this another tactic? She emailed basically saying don't bother coming... but before that said she would be home early.

I HATE HEADGAMES!!! (mostly cuz I alwasy lose at them)

Well... If the cops are there facilitating it maybe it won't work against you. She can't make up story's about how it went down if they are there witnessing the whole interaction.

Her headgames are making my head spin too!!!

I wouldn't do ANYTHING except gather your evidence for your hearing on Friday. Quit allowing yourself to be dragged into the drama.

If you have a hearing about the RO and it's a criminal matter, then you'll probably be appointed an attorney at the hearing on Friday. Do nothing that could be construed as pushing the limits.

I personally think if you would bow out of this drama (quit reading her emails and IMs) for awhile, you'd be able to think clearly.

Ask the Judge on Friday about seeing your son, even if its supervised visitation with a third party.

I would leave her alone. She is too malicious.

Get some counseling for yourself. This woman has too much control over you. You keep talking about seeing your boy, but you have another one that you haven't kept in contact with - all because of your wife. You need to get some help in learning on how to be your own man.

OK so I am weak and against the latest advise I proceeded with the Civil Standby tonight.

As I thought, she was expecting me to give her divorce papers so was very defensive and hostile in the begining. The police wanted to know what I was there for and I told them I wanted to get a few more things and to give her the printed out eamil about the dormant STD. They told me they could not give that to her as it was a form of me communicating to her. She said she wanted it anyway, the cops said no. She could have takent he email as a violent act and they could get into trouble. So now I'm thinking, yeah, I messed up coming here tonight. She wouldn't let me take anything, pretty stuck on the issue that I removed a wireless router form the house that she didn't think I took. (Though she went through all the boxes).

She said, "go spend time with your son, he's been wondering where you've been." I looked at the police, they said it was a slow night and told me it was OK. I held him and tried to hold back my tears for a good 15 minutes.

I over heard my wife telling one of the officers that she never meant to have me arrested and was planning on asking the judge to drop the charges at this Friday's court hearing. The officer told her that she could not drop them, it is now a criminal charge and the state is persuing it. She asked if there was anythign she can do to have the charges dropped and the cop shrugged his shoulders and said she would need to speak with the DA.

After they talked a bit the cop said he didn't find anything threating int he email and if she would not hold it against them, he would give it to her. She accepted.

I noticed a few new toys in the house and immediately thought to myself..."Buy him toys to distract him from daddy being gone..." Which made me mad, but then i thought of him and how he must be doing, then thought it was a good idea she had. I just hope her intentions are the ones I am thinking of too.

On my way out I asked her how he's been doing at night. She said "he's a little sick, I told you that" (I don't the cops noticed or cared she just admitted to trying to contact me) Then i said no, I mean at night, when it's time for bed. you know how he gets if I don't give him a kiss goodnight...(Again I tried to hold back the tears) She started to cry and said "It's been difficult". Then he came running over and hugged my legs. I picked him up, (and lied to him so he wouldn't start crying) told him Daddy was going to work.. She said "You'll see Daddy in a litte while". I kissed and hugged him, put him downa nd he followed me to the door..

Heart breaking. I was so happy to see him but thought maybe this was a bad idea. Now he's going to have such a hard time tonight when it's time for bed.

He blew me kisses and yelled out "Love you Daddy" as I got in my car. I yelled back love you too. and thanked my wife.

Somewhere in the middle of all that I noticed no alarm in the house, though the locks have indeed been changed. So that email to "J" is half true as far as that goes. She is also still waering her ring, though turned it over so the diamond was in her palm. That felt good, cuz she took it off the Friday she accused me of cheating and hadn't worn it all weeeknd. Then of course that Monday I ignored her and was sent to jail so I don't know when she put it back on.

I left, as a good little man on RO would. but didn't make it far before I needed to pull over... I couldn't hold it back anymore. Finally made it to a gas station to put gas int he car, 6:30PM and dark as can be... I'm wearing sun glasses so no one sees my blochy eyes whiel I pump gas... so stupid.

In advertantly drove past the airport where I take my son to go watch airplanes and lost it again...

Got to my sister's basement, logged onto my laptop and cringed expecting to find some sort of "how dare you" email or IM... nothing. Given the history, the lack of words says a lot to me. Just what it says, I'm not 100% sure of right now.

I just want to go home. I know I'm a great Dad. I know I can be a great husband too.

I was going to say I guess the ball's in her court now, but maybe i'll keep it a little while longer. Do what I can to protect myself come Friday, see what my lawyer says Wednesday, and go from there.

I really hope I'm not in some lala land. There's had to have been worse cases then mine right? This is still fixable, isn't it?

Home... Yeah I want stop existing, I want to go home and start living.

Mojo- it can also mean-she knows how to push my buttons-the ****** deserved it.
Or
She knows how to push my buttons-she made me do it.

Heard it before; too many times.

Domestic violence takes many forms; one does not have to be hit to be a victim of domestic violence.

My radar is up...

As T said, his wife has a long history of domestic violence( which for your information, woman generally continue to engage themselves in harmful relationships, going from one to the next) and he also admitted to making threats-in retort.

One would assume after having a gun to the head there would be a valid fear of threats-for her or anyone who has suffered as T says his wife has.

I understand also that there are many persons who have and who will continue to make false accusations-but if the fear is real, as T has supported with a past history for his wife.

She has a right, a basic human right to feel safe.

Later

Max

It sounds like she's feeling some guilt over filing false charges on you. I feel so bad for your son... he's caught in the middle of all of this. I am glad you got to see him and give her those papers. How are you feeling today?

I had an early mornign meeting today as I do every Tuesday. After the meeting I called my boos and told her I would be in late today. I just got here. I went to my old Dr.'s office to get my lab results paperwork. Man oh MAN WHAT I FEELING THIS IS to have the big Negative results in my hand!!!!

This is SOLID MEDICAL PROOF I WAS NOT A CHEATER. I Was going to say not THE cheater, but as MEDC enlightened me to, perhaps she's had this all along in a dormant state. I cannot fault her for who she has slept with before me. I won't. She does it to me and I knwo how it makes me feel. I won't do that to her.

I am not a fast reader so I got Anthony Robbins audio book on "Get the Edge" I've been listening to it all morning getting my personal things squared away. I feel good.

I just hope I get the chance come Friday to show her too...

I want to beleive in this dormant STD theory vs her cheating. I so badly want to believe it. If I find out otherwise, I'm not sure what I will do.

All I can do right now is go see my Lawyer tomorrow, hoep that my wife hasn't really started Divorce paperwork, and just keep a positive attitude.

Am I missing anything? I think I'm ready for court, I'm sure my lawyer will get me to an even better place with that. I hope I have enough proof that the police didn't need to be called. Or at least the lack of proof that what she accused me of ever happened.

Hopefully this RO will be ever with and I can sleep in my own bed on Friday... wake up and go have breakfast with my boy and go see airplanes!

If you get back into the house, TOMK, DO NOT EVER LEAVE IT AGAIN.

madmax1- why don't you just come out and call TOMK a wifebeater?

you are right about this. TOMK is a victim of domestic violence at the hands of his wife...even though she didn't hit him.




really...what I see is he made a statement about protecting his relationship with his child.



this is for her to work out...just because she was abused in the past...does NOT mean her H has to suffer for what others have done.




and what exactly has her H done to take that away? In fact she is the one that has broken the safety of the M by lying to the police and courts regarding his acts. Since she has chosen to do that now, there is an assumption that her word is not reliable and I wonder how many times in the past she has played the victim card to manipulate people. I would suspect that she was never abused based on her willingness to lie about that very thing to get her way.

I second that thought....

Oddly enough, AFTER I have given her the email about the dormant STD theory, I have yet to hear from her. From 12 hours after I was arrested, booked, and jailed till last night when i gave her that info, I have gotten some sort of communication attempt from her. email, IM, or phone call. Oddly, after the info... nothing. Not one single thing.

Again, NOT hearing from her says soooooo much.

Which reminds me, any time in the past when she tries to pick a fight and I make the point that she's "not right" the subject is changed... or... COMPLETELY DROPPED and not spoken about until the next arguement.

HAHHAHAHAHAHA....
I post this and get an IM!!!!

ears musta been ringing.

How the heck did she read these last weekend???? I gave it to her last night!

Frankly I think giving her that information about the STD was a VERY, VERY BAD IDEA. Be prepared for an entirely new story from your (W?)W at your hearing to explain her behaviour. And now you've given her an alibi for her STD!

If I was in your position, I would have held on to that information and let her come up with her own explanation. You've basically passed up an opportunity for discovering what's really going on with your spouse... through her own words.

You cannot win the game if you keep showing all of your good cards, TOMK!

I tend to agree on that one... its called 'plausible denial' and it was just handed to her on a silver platter.

However, this can be turned into something positive if you can get back into your own home. You'll be able to Plan A and snoop at the same time. If she's convinced her alibi can work and you won't upset her apple cart, she probably won;t fight you coming home. And what's great, is she really can't keep you out of your home once that RO is lifted. Once you are there, don't ever agree to leave it again.

Mojo-something has not sat right with me , in this thread from the beginning.

I don't feel the need to explain my concerns again.But I will say I believe them to be valid.
And I do hope there is happy ending to this story.

Later

Max

I know giving that info might have been bad, but I want to believe that she didn't cheat, although she reminds me how easy it would be for her. And yeah, maybe I'm stupid and gullible and I gave her exactly what she wants...the babysitter to come home so she can "work late". But know what else... if the babysitter comes home... I am with my son again!

He's always first, she's second. She's known this ever since we found out we were having him. If by giving away my ace of spaces gives me my king of hearts, I'll take it.

If I get back home form this, that's what matters to me most. I'm in my house. I'm with my boy every night when he goes to bed and every morning when he wakes up. EVERY night and EVERY morning.

I've checked up on her before and found some susoicious thinghs, just never acted on what I found. I'll be more careful this time. I don't want to spy or snoop, but if my gut tells me something isn't right. I have my resources.

We bought a special couch 3 years ago and I playfully made a term called "CCT" We shopped for the perfect CCT couch for months till we found this one. CCT happened maybe 2 or 3 times, then she complained that any time we tried it she got too comfortable and fell asleep so we dont' do it anymore.

I said she fell asleep cuz she felt safe in my arms snuggled up next to me... she would say it was just cuz she was tired from a long day, btu then I would remind her about the middle of the afternoon whent he baby was down for a nap...

Maybe I can convince her to use the couch for what we bought it for... "Couch Cuddle Time"

I still feel good in giving the info to her. Shows I'm a man of my word. If she chooses to use it as an alibi... well one day it will come back and bite her in the ars!

I agree that not everything here "seems" right...but..if you are not willing to explain your concerns, why have you even mentioned them at all. You seem to have been taking cheap shots in a passive aggressive way at TOMK...
He was asked flat out by me if he has ever abused his wife. The question has been asked and answered.

Based on the story we DO know that TOMK has been abused by his wife...do you know something I don't???

Based on the story she has no credibility due to her willingness to lie to authorities...again, do you know something I don't.

Instead of being all mysterious and acting as though you know something or have a basis for something...point it out to the poster...ask your questions...or keep it to yourself.

My wife does not fear me. She's made that fact very clear to me many times. She's told me if I even think of trying to threaten her, she'll sick her father on me quicker than flies to... or a reminder, "One quick phone call and you're gone".

She does not fear me, I have not tried to make her fear me. Why would I? That's just ridiculous. The way she treats me...I do everything I can think of (untill I simply gave up trying) to appease her.

Look what happens when I give up.... The cops get called and I get tossed.

Could you expalin what radar you have up and what's bothered you about this from the begining?

BTW...Max is a woman...maybe abused in the past....seems as though she is triggered by something here.

I want to ask anyone who is reading this a question.

Based on what you've read in my posts, granted they are all one side of the story, all stories have at least two sides...

Is my marriage salvagable?

We were happy together before we were married. She was happy before she knew me. I remember how often her phone would ring, all her freinds calling and asking her to go out. She slowly stopped hanging with them and started spending all her time with me. I pretty much keep to myslef so her hanging out with me all the time was fine, I didn't have anyone else to do things with or anywhere else to go. Not that I clung to her for attention mind you. I just enjoy "my time" and I was completely fine with her being part of that.

..I wonder if she resents losing her freinds to stay with me.

Anyway... is my marriage worth holding onto? Seriously? Or am I just setting myself up to be Mr. Gullible, walked all over...

I would say NO. If she stooped as low as to have you arrested for something you never did, I do not think there is a reason to try and save this marriage. First off, who knows what you will encounter int he future.
Short of her going into court on Friday and making an admission that she lied to get you arrested and that she will accept any punishment that comes her way, I would say that she needs to go.

I did list my concerns- I don't feel the need to type them out again...how's that.

My radar...I come into contact with both perps and victims of domestic violence on a fairly frequent basis. It's a part of my role-

Nope Mk never a victim, so no triggers.

Later

Max

Thinking - Do you drink alcohol?

TOMK- Unfortunately, at this time, I'd have to agree with MEDC's assessment. You have repeatedly told us that she is consistant with threats against you as part of her manipulations of you. I have a feeling she seeks drama and you are the easiest target she has.
Could she be depressed? Resentful? Sure. However, if she refuses to get help for those issues, there is no building a healthy marriage with her. Personally, it wouldn't surprise me to find out that she's a pathological liar. Her pride at being able to pass off her lies and gaslight people makes me think this is a vindictive and vicious person.
My hope for you right this minute is just getting you back into your home and back with your son. You will need to build a stable home and learn about custody issues. You will need to grow a spine and learn a new way of dealing with her-- its obvious she's used to getting her way.

Have you read about the 180s on this website?

No Drugs, No smoking, VERY rarely a drink.

That is good to hear. I would stay away from your wife and start working on your issues. I was reading the conversation from your sis, and apparently there are some issues you can work on.

I'm afraid your wife will be back because she is not going to find many men that will tolerate her behavior.

Sorry max, I must have missed this post....



You seem a bit antagonistic yourself, why?


Because she focuses on the "here and now" factor, when we were tlaking about me buying a new laptop, if I didn't do as she said she informed me I was not getting a new laptop...

We talked about getting a big screen TV to mount onthe wall, if we argued, the TV wasn't going to happen. (now she loves it more than I do BTW)

I am the primary care giver for my son as I was a stay at home Dad for the fist 16 months of his life. We have a bond that Mother and child typically have. She thinks becuase I USED TO move from place to place, that if i were to take off, I would take him with me. I moved from place to place after my first marriage ended.

The ONLY "violence" that goes on in my home is the emotional abuse she puts me through. Correction, violence that used to go on... remember I stopped responding to it. Turned myself off when she tried to pick fights. Then finally calmly packed my things... and the cops were called.



My wife was extremely calm when the police showed up. Her eyes weren't even red and puffy from crying. I was outside at the time they came as well, going over the things in my trunk as a mental checklist of things I had already packed. I told my story to the officer who stayed outside with me, whent he officer who came went in came back out he said "She says you back handed her, then pushed her into a wall. Is this true?" GENUINE SHOCK on my face. The he says "She also says that you threatened to kill her and take your son. Is this true?" Again... actually I almost fell over from the shock.

He then said, "I have enough probable cause to arrest you and remove you for the night". THAT is when I began to argue. I said I did nothing wrong, i wanted to avaoid any arguments with her so walked into the house, I wouldn't even look her in the eye, nevermind talk to her. I just wanted to grab some things, go somewhere and think of all that she's said..with the STD and her thoughts of me cheating. THE FACT I have NO STD and my puzzlement on where she got it. I told them I had everything i needed and didn't even need to go back into the house for anything, I could just go now. They said the threat of life was enough to arrest me. (The cop outside with me showed real relectance).

So now I'm on handcuff in my driveway waiting for the "wagon" to pick me up... 30 minutes go by. My wife is in the doorway whiel the officers have their back to the door. She's smiling at me!! I say something to the officers and she side steps back into the living room. i move around the patrol car so I can't see the door, then I notice she's int he window doing it again. I comment to the officers again, they both see it and the officer that was outside with me goes in, says something real quick then closes the front door behind him.

The entire time I'm waiting to be picked up, she keeps poping her head out the window, talking to someon on the phone, and from what I could make out ... looked to be giggling.


Max,
I do not provoke my wife. We play from time to time, and sometimes I take it a bit to far. But I never hit or threaten her. In fact, for the longest time I tried to make sure our playing was easy as I know of the horror stories she told me about her ex....

She is a COMPLETELY different woman in public or around others. when it's just her and I.... the "I'm the Boss" mentality comes out.

Like the saying guys use, a lady on the street but a freak inthe bed... She's a freak at home, just her and I. maybe this is part of why she's nice ot me any time we go on a trip???

I have been following this story from the beginning and just like Max, I have wondered about this story. I feel strongly that there is a lot more to the story that we are not made aware of. It feels to me, as I read and reread the story that something is not being told by TOMK. We are only reading one side here, as he said himself as well. I would be very interested to read from her what her side of the story is.

She is pregnant, felt threatened enough to call the police. I do not believe that one would go as far as having your husband arrested if there was no threat. Sorry. I wish I could hear her side of the story. I am sure there is a lot she would have to say on how this family really is.

If TOMK is telling the truth and not omitting anything in his part in all this situation, then I want to ask him, why do you still want to leave with this monster? It is certainly how you describe her. You can still have your son, fight for him, if you are as good a father to him as you tell us.

Just in case you think of asking: yes, I have been the victim of a violent man, one that was extremely manipulative in every way that you can imagine, and I almost died from his own hands. At first, I was shock by this story because honestly, I thought TOMK was this same guy that almost killed me 20 years ago. But TOMK is a good 10 years too young to be him …

Is it really so hard to believe the nastiness of a WS? Good Lord, people.

Sorry T,

you did not miss my post, you read it.

How do I know this, you may ask.

It is a habit of mine when I am here to gander at "whos on line"

My two posts were the last, when you were here and you were here two hours before Mojo.

So your probably wondering why I cut and saved that you were here.

...ahh you can answer that.

ThinkingOfMyKids
User Member 10/08/07 08:58 AM Reading a post in flat mode
ThinkingOfMyKids' story (transcribed from Just Found Out).

Max

I have heard that *some* battered women tend to gravitate towards abusive relationships (i.e., if they get out of one abusive relationship, they simply move on to another abusive relationship w/someone else). So, in this case, since TOMK is not abusing her .... is she trying to create drama where there is none because he is not fulfilling that sick "need" that she has for being in an abusive relationship? It sure seems like she was trying her hardest to transform this relationship into a dysfunctional one as soon as the ring was on her finger.

It is perplexing, though, why this would have all come to a head just as she is getting ready to give birth to a second child. You would think she would be doing more "nesting" like things and wanting the father around to protect the brood.

Max - I find your accusation a bit silly. When he said he "missed" it ... he might've read it at the time, but didn't have time to respond and then got sidetracked with responding to others later and probably forgot about the content of your message. In fact, right after your message, medc comes right out and asks him point blank if he's ever abused his wife...and TOMK did a long response to that. Taking all that into consideration, and also thinking of his current state of mind due to being ripped away from his home and his son, it's EASY to imagine why he "missed" your post. Anyway, he's responded to it now...why be so accusatory? You seem to be looking for a "smoking gun" instead of trying to be helpful.

TOMK has a stalker.

Actually, after taking a gander at some of MadMax's posts on the board, its more of the same. Move along, people, nothing to see here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I can tell you from first hand experience as a cop, that almost 50% of the calls that we went on for DV, the woman made up the story to get her H out of the house (or to cover up her own assault of him). It happens every single day.

I'm sorry about what you went through, but the reality is...women abuse the system and make stories like these all too believable. It might be that TOMK is telling an incomplete story...but in my experience, it is not really that far fetched.

And BTW... I work with abuse victims every day in my current life. I have a real sensitivity for this stuff too. I have questioned TOMK and all we can go on right now is what he has told us. He is the only one here.

Max...you are really getting annoying.

btw, if I did not come up anonymous...it would show that I am on here 12 hours a day...I just never log out or shut my computer down...so, Madmax the sleuth...get over yourself.

Wow.

So basically, I came here for guidance trying to decide wether or not this woman I fell in love with and controlls me to no end is really meant for me. I came here seeking help on what it is that I may be doing wrong that allows this behavior to continue (on both our parts).

I don't feel like I've omitted anything. Why would I? That won't help me one bit.

Your post makes me feel like you think I'm playing you all like I'm the not really the victim, I'm the abuser hiding as a victim.

Is she a monster? Yes, sometimes. But that doesnt stop me from loving her and missing her.

I now feel stero-typed just as the police did to me. Simply becuase I'm the man. Can you HONESTLY SAY you would feel the EXACT SAME WAY about me knowing this entire situation was reveresed? If was a woman and my husband had me arrested. Granted the STD discovery would ahve had to been a bit different. As I don't have it, test prove that, and she does.

This lets take a look at that for a minute. EVERYTHING I have said, put in context that I'm a woman, pregnant, and during some routine physical my husband finds out he has an STD. Now me being pregnant I was be scared for the baby's health so i would got see my Dr. and be tested, I come up clean. A weekend goes by and I have time to think about it. I think my hubby has cheated....there's "prrof" as he has an STD and I don't. But for some reason hubby thinks I gave it to him. I am a pissed off woman and I'm leaving the house. i'm distugusted with him and won't even look at him. He can't get me to talk to him so he calls the police saying I smacked him and threaten to kill him, then told him he will never see his son again or this unborn baby. The cops show up, and arrest me... a pregnant woman. Book me, toss me in a cell, then put an RO on me. Now my hubby has my son, and I'm homeless. I stay with some family while I try to get this all worked out.

Is hubby so innocent now?

I think if I were a woman, most if not all of you would be telling me to get that boy out of that house, run away and never look back. If he lied to the police there's no telling what he's do next. Protect myself and this baby. he's a man, he can survive.

Is that how it would go????

I'm sorry for stero typing here, but it appears I've been. Do a degree.

And I guess with that, I could go as far as to say that yes, even though my "hubby" controls me, I still love him and want to try to make my marriage work.

Does this put any new perspective on this?

....I have ot get int he shower as I have a 9:00 appointment with my Lawyer. By the way, my lawyer is female. Should I worry I won't be represented well enough????? Will she prejudge me????

you are dead right TOMK....

but know that you directed that post to mojodiva and NOT madmax who obviously has issues with men.

EXACTLY!! Thank you.
Max... you seem to either be my wife, or her sister. Any reason for assuming and attacking me????
Or is this your thing? To see if you can bring out my anger too? Well, you got it.
As for looking to see who's online. That means nothing excpet for you are looking for someone to pick on maybe?

Oh... I left this page up and went to bed, does that mean i was reading and rereading ti for the last 12 hours max? I too have searched your posts. thanks ffor proving my thoughts of you to be corect. Have a nice day. I'll be ignoring anything else you have to say to me. Enjoy your life. ...hanging out on a HELP board, stalking people and making accusasions. I regret my LAST post to you, but I will not delete it.

It was in response to what was posted.

I really have to get going...
Just gives me that much more "faith int he system"...even here I'm stero typed. I guess we'll see how this goes.

Thanks to all who have had the open minds and provided sound advice, POV, and guidance.

gee wiz guys you have me pegged

an annoying stalker

well done <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

carry on

Max

so clever is max...nothing of substance...just a little jab and on her way to harass another man.

carry on Max.

Not entirely true mk.

I feel no discomfort at all in this thread. Not on my way anywhere

by the way mojo-it was Mk that asked..not medc.

mk-startling data

almost 50%, is that like almost true?


T- you are simply RE-enforcing

and if you think this gives you a little more-you have been charged with a serious offence/s. Wait untill you are in a court room. It gets a little bit more than the faceless interactions over the internet.

Max

TOMK, you can put max on ignore by clicking on his name. You will then see the option to "put this user on ignore". He is acting like a stalker and his posts aren't helping you at all.

Moving on now...

It's hard to say if your M is salvagable. I'd be afraid of her doing something similar to you in the future. Do you really want to walk on egg shells forever and be under her thumb? I do understand you wanting to be with your son as much as possible though. It sucks being a part time daddy.

yes, the almost 50% is very true.

Women use the police to their advantage in many cases. I can't even begin to tell you how many times a woman called the police pretending to be the victim...and then we leave with her in cuffs because she is the one that actually struck her partner...he may or may not have defended himself.

I would agree with FCF about ignoring Madmax...obviously she has an ax to grind....

FCF...madmax is a "woman"

" The State does not care because you threatend my life and therefore the life of our unborn child. I know in the heat of the moment people say things they don't really mean, and I would like to think that was the case with you. But you were pretty convincing at the time."

Go for it guys-ignore me

but don't ignore that above
There is a story here

and it needs to be heard.

Max

Well?

Who the heck are you quoting there??

Like FCF said, the involvement of the police and the repeated threats by her to involve others during your disputes-- its abusive and manipulative. I never, ever tell a woman in an abusive relationship to try to stick it out for the kids, so I am definately not going to tell you to do the same.

You need to get your butt back home (hopefully this Friday) and keep it planted right there. Could you support yourself and your child on what you make right now? If not, quietly but vigilently begin looking for a solution to that problem so that you have a better chance at full custody. Begin keeping a journal (HIDE IT) of your interactions with the wife, because you will need it later. Its also a really good way of keeping yourself from being gaslighted. I also want to stress, yet again, once you get back home, that you do not leave it, for any reason!

What state are you in?

MAAAAD MAAAAX

Its just a really, really good example why most abused men never tell.

Look, we never know if we are getting 100% of the story. People omit what they want all the time. But, I have seen some pretty whacko women and I wouldn't put it past them to lie to get what they want. Society tends to believe the woman over the man in these situations and women KNOW that and use it to their advantage. You know... one bad apple spoils the bunch. It hurts women who really do need help.

Women are just as "violent" as men, except they abuse their spouse via manipulation schemes instead of their fists. We have seen many wayward wives over the years who had their husband thrown in jail based on false information.

FWIW:


The quote that Max is referring to was in an email from the WS to the BS Sister.

It wasn't made up by Max.

TOMK seems to be fairly forthright around here, but I still twinged reading that email quote.

And BS's can lie also.

I do not think that TOMK's WS is as crazy as Jamesus's for example.

And MEDC has a very good radar for this kind of stuff, sniffing it out early.

MEDC has been around on this thread alot, so, I'm sticking with MEDC, that TOMK's is on the up and up.

TOMK:

I hope that your case on Friday turns out OK. That the Judge throws it out.

There is support for you here. But if you are hiding something, come clean. If your not hiding anything, that will remain apparent to all as well.

Just my .02

LG

Princessmeggy... I actually was wondering where MM got his quote from (the one above). Sorry for the miscommunication, I just saw your post! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I went back and read. We have no way of knowing if she's lying or not. It would be a way to keep her H away if she does think she's pregnant with someone else's baby. At this point, it's his word against hers. Their is not tape recording of the incident. He has said she's made threats that she could ruin his life with a phone call.

If you do move back in TOMK... invest in a good voice recorder and keep it handy, and hidden!!!

Thanks LG. I have an odd feeling about this situation...but it could just be that his wife is acting very strange. TOMK has answered my very direct question to my satisfaction regarding his wife. Her credibility is totally shot if she has lied to the police....and again, my vast amount of experience would support his version of events...women do this stuff every single day.
I get the feeling that TOMK has been so passive with his wife that she could convince him that he was abusive even if it was her doing the abuse. Bottom line is, she deserves to be handed her butt by the judge for lying regarding the RO.
I just don't see a way that living with this woman will ever be safe unless she gets serious psychological help. TOMK already knows that she will even resort to having him locked up to get her way. Couple that with a vast amount of immature behavior on her part at other times in this relationship and I feel that TOMK needs to seriously reconsider his desire to go back to such an abusive woman. He should find some way to afford an attorney and handle marital issues as well as going after her for the false charges.

TOMK has been victimized by his wife...based on the information we have, there is nothing that suggests otherwise. He is absolutely right that this matter would have been viewed differently by many had the genders been reversed. The hypocrisy that exists on these threads is reflective of the way that society as a whole views domestic violence.
As I have said many times here...abuse is abuse...it doesn't matter the gender of the offender.

So I saw the Lawyer regarding my criminal charges. She can't garuantee but feels pretty confident the charges will be dropped.... after all the paperwork I gave her, told her the story, and from the stuff she already knew. But wants me prepared anyway.

She can't come to the RO hearing with my Friday, she's a court appoint attorney for the criminal charges. But advises me not to discuss the charges in this hearing. She's also fairly confident that the Ro will be dismissed.

Low and behold, I get back to my office and i have yet another email form my wife. For all the people who thinkI'm hiding something... here's her side of the story. the only edits I make here are to remove names...

So right there she has taken away her alibi I gave to her. She says that, according to her Dr, she got thsi STD recently. And as my tests are negative... what does that mean???

Now...sadly, I think I might do a peternal test on my son. though if I find out I'm not his biological father, I will be devistated. I will still love him as much as I do now, nothing between he and I will change. But the relationiship I have with my wife.... oh my goodness.

She doesn't go into detail about her side of the story, but I think you can see from this email I'm not omitting anything.

I'm hopefull from this email that the RO will be lifted and I can go home Friday.

Regardless of what happened int he past, being away from my family for over a week HAS OPENED MY EYES, that she's not at fault, WE ARE. I know I have some things I can work on, and if givent he opportunity to, I think we can work through this. For the children's sake at least. And build from there.

I hope she hasn't cheated on me. I hope I'm not that gullible. If she did, then I am not giving her what she needs, I'll find out what that is and make sure she doesn't feel the need to go find it elsewhere.

Put simply, I love her.

SHE IS AT FAULT. She had you arrested...for NO reason. SHE owns that.

Offer a polygraph to prove you have not cheated.
Ask her to submit to the same thing.

Something is NOT right here.

To me it sounds like she is alying the groundwork as to why she had an affair and why YOU are at fault for it.

You really need to develop a backbone and a set of nuts quickly...this woman takes advantage of you and you buy her crapp. If she cheated she did so because of her own short comings...not yours.

Yep, and I fall victimn to the stero type simply cuz I'm a man and never called the cops on my wife for her abuse towards me....

At this point... do what you can to fulfill the requirements of the RO and get back in the house with your son. Worry about about paternity issues down the road... take one step at a time. Offer to take a lie detector test to clear your name.

It seems like she already saying things that give her an excuse if she's caught in an A. Keep your eyes open!

My BIL is married to a woman who tries very hard to rule him. Some of the games she plays... lordy! They wanted us to go out for drinks with them when they were in town last. My H and I declined... we hate the drama!! They fight a lot and it's always instigated by her. I could almost see her pulling something like this if my BIL "stepped out of line" in her mind. Lately he's been standing up to her more, thank God.

So, I beleive things like this can happen.

TOMK...

I've been reading your story...I am a FWW myself...Here is what I see...

You are being gaslighted by her, BIGTIME!!! She is the guilty party and turning it around on you...Don't think for a second that she thinks you cheated...Her reaction just SCREAMS otherwise...Her behavior is not at all the behavior of a pregnant, devastated BS, IMO...Oh, it is what most people SAY they would do if they found out that their spouse cheated, but it almost never happens that way...She is acting out what she believes most people would do in that situation, but she is incorrect and too bad for her, that you have found MB and the good folks here that have well honed [censored] detectors...

I want you back in that house and snooping on her ASAP-I pray that is what happens on Friday...Do you have any friends that would be willing to stake out your house in the meantime? I'd be willing to bet that if OM lives anywhere near that he is there daily/nightly right now...Can you gain access to her cell phone bill online? I believe very much that you will find an OM in the picture...

Mrs. W

you want an admission from her that the charges were false. You DO NOT want to ever go through this again. She now knows she can have you hauled off to court.

If you don't resolve some of the underlying issues that have existed for years with your wife...who has shown herself to be exceptionally unstable and not willing to lead an honorable life...then you will continue to ride a very problematic roller coaster until you one day divorce.

Holding on to a marriage at all costs is wrong. You should do everything you can to legally secure your rights to see your son...but you should make sure that if you are going to return home that your wife has a complete change of attitude regarding your role, marital counseling and owning her own issues. She needs a profound mental health intervention.

You will need to become your own private investigator!!

It is interesting she was sooooooo worried about you having any keyloggers on the computers at home. Someone with nothing to hide wouldn't be concerned with that.

What is "gaslighting"? I've read this term a number of times. no clue what that means.

Wikipedia on Gaslighting and its effects

Are you able to forward that e-mail she sent you to your attorney?

Certainly MEDC is right that you want an admission from her that the charges were false.

Remember, the best way to predict the future is by looking at events of the past. If she gets away with this now, you will be forever vulnerable to being thrown in jail on her whim. Do you want to live like that?

I can't imagine putting my H into jail by making false charges.

Don't let the court system talk you out of anything--be your own strong advocate with your attorney and make sure you and your child(ren) are protected. Protection meaning stand up to the false accusations from your wife.
Lake

Mojo, thank you. As an IT Professional, I should have thought of that. But then in my defense my thoght process has been messed up lately (along with a lot of other things)

Lake, Already printed and faxd the latest email to my Lawyer. She is having an investigator contact my wife to get more info. She didn't liek how many times/ways she was contacting me...for someone who feels threatened.

NO I do NOT want to live my life in fear of her calling the police on any whim. I'm already preparing for it though. Whatever transpires on Friday, I'm keeping a copy of the paperwork in my car, readily available for police/judge review. Until I feel I can completely trust her again.

I was mad and furious at the charges she brought up against me, but then I thought to myslef... If I was a woman, who's husband has disengaged himself from me. Which makes me mad, and I try to let him know he's making me mad, that causes a fight....and he doesn't fight back, so he's more disengaged... Then I get news I've got an STD, regardless if I've cheated on him or not, he's here now and I'm more mad so I'm going to take it out on him. I tell him (even if I know it's not FROM HIM) that it is. He calmly says he didn't give it to me as if to rub it in my face that he thinks he knows something (he's an idiot after all). My hormones are raging, I'm scared for my unborn child, I'm scared of what might happen to me during an irregular child birth. He's.. oh God, he's leaving on his own?!?!?! And STILL won't talk to me.... I'll get him... 911, hello, my husband just beat the ****** out of me...

She's stressed. Even if I didin't cause it, I should have tried ease it. Isn't that was your spouse in a marriage is supposed to do?

What do I want?
1. A healthy happy son that I watch grwo up every day.
2. A loving faithful wife.
3. Caring and understanding, and respect, from my wife
4. Time. Time to share with my wife, and my children. ALL of them.
5. Trust, mutual trust in my marriage.

Is any of this too much to ask? Am I blinded by love or am I seeing the woman I fell in love with 4 years ago and asked her to marry me? Maybe I knwo she's still there, and maybe I know I'm partially responsible for her behavior towards me.

I just now noticed that she transfered the rest of the remaining money out of every joint account we have. They were all down to $5 and change. She transfered all but $0.50 out of them, dated yesterday. WTF? why bother taking $4.50 from an account when she just got a $9K bonus less than 2 weeks ago?

Anyone read that email she sent as a sign she's going to ask the Ro be dropped? Or am I just reading into it what I want to see?

your thinking is way off here TOMK....

yes, you are blinded by obsession...love doesn't do that.

I am not saying there is NO chance...but if you continue on your present course..there is NO chance. You want a happy, healthy marriage...
well, right now, your wife is a mentally unstable woman...and it is up to you to help your marriage by NOT backing down on the mental health issue as well as her admitting she trumped up those charges.
You are making lame excuses for what she did...there is NO EXCUSE in the world for what she did...and as long as you fabricate reasons and continue playing hide and seek from your nuts, you will never gain her respect.

your wife is the enemy until she PROVES by her ACTIONS that she is not.

I guess I do need to grow a pair huh.....
The lawyer is suppose dot call with a status update from the investigsator tomrrow. We'll see what that does, then see how court goes.

If I get back into my house, all is not forgiven. I'll protect myself and start doing whatever I have to so that she see's me as an equal and not the dirt under her shoes.

What if the judge upholds the RO? I can't see my son till just before Xmas... I'll never make it that long!

be strong...think positive...
you need a better planb than what you are saying.
your wife needs to attend counseling.
she is really pretty unstable. from the outside looking in, I think she has severe mental problems. You should not be trying to survive this mess without a real game plan developed by a pro after meeting the two of you.
YOU need to stop taking this on yourself...drop the victim mentality and get pissed off...because you should be pissed right about now.

I was pissed. I was BEYOND pissed. I've trainned myself to let it go, otherwise my marriage woudl have been over long ago.

Actually, I'm more pissed at myself for trying to convince her I dind't cheat than I am of (according to HER DR) the non-existance of a dormant STD, which means ...she has it, I don't, she's the cheater.

By her own admission, in not so many words, she cheated. granted she has no idea I have been tested and came up clean... looking forward to the look on her face friday in court when she finds that out. It's some of the paperwork I'm bringing to back up my story.

I have all the proof I need that she cheated. Period. I know I dind't cheat, unless I had some out of body experience... I DID NOT CHEAT. And having read up on gaslighing... yeah, she's been doing that to me for years. But she told me her Dr says there's "No way this has been dormant, she got it recently" So... that means she LIED and CHEATED.

Which makes me wonder how many other lies I've been gullible to. And I'll be the firs to admit, I'm not the sharpest pencil onthe desk...

Shades of Cinnamon Sugar!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

a bit..yep. but, we can only go by the info we have.

Man, now I have to do a search of the forums...
((searched for cinnamon sugar and the function isnt working or Im doing it wrong-- anyone have a link?)

TOMK. Ok, time to just calm down. As an IT professional, you should have no trouble finding work that can support you and your child should it come to that. If you have a job that pays well right now (I've asked a couple times but received no answer) PLEASE concentrate on it. Its your lifeline. Just like getting back home is important to having a basecamp.

Have you done the research on fathers rights yet? Consider contacting an advocacy group.

I like MEDC's idea of taking a polygraph to prove you are telling the truth. Shoot, you could even have the wife supply her own questions if she wishes.

mojo,

Sorry I thought I posted earlier that I make $16/hr. After my exwife's child support I take home $650 every 2 weeks. No, I cannot at my current job support me and my son. After the "dot bomb" in 2001 most IT professionals (myself included) found themselve among other IT pros w/out jobs. we quickly went from highly paid highly respected intergral parts of most furtone 500 companies to becoming a dime a dozen. It's hard to find that job that pays the 6 figures I was used to.

I might be able to get lucky and find one down in Boston, but that means either traveling and dealing with 2-3 hours of commuter traffic, or moving into the city. I grew up on 96 acres of land, city life is just not for me. I've tried it. I can't do it.

I'm actaully making the most I've made in my profession (sadly) since the dot bomb. In my neck of the woods, the IT jobs pay 12-14/hr. Sadly, basically the same rate if I were to go work at a local Dunkin Donuts and poured coffee. Yes, I've applied.

While I was still at home I actaully tried to get a second job cuz my wife told me I dind't pull my weight... Then when I told her I was looking, she said I didn't need to work 2 jobs, she has the $$ covered. As long as my current job took care of my child support obligation and the rest could cover my son's daycare, that's all she was worried about. She would handle the rest. So.. as i type this, I guess wether she intended it or not, she's made me dependant on her.

I have offered on many occasions, not just this recent incident to take a polygraph. Every time I offer it up...it's one of thos e things where she changes the subject or it gets dropped altogether.

I don't believe she would ever take one though. "She's never lied, why should she start now" .. "It's beneath her"....

Father's rights group. Slowly reaserching, I should probably light a bigger fire under my bbutt for that... in all honesty.

? Inside joke? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

TOMK...

CinnamonSugar was a troll poster that terrorized a BS poster here named Sbmmal with cries of "ABUSER, ABUSER" (Which, btw, I personally KNOW those allegations were FALSE)...MadMax is giving some of us flashbacks to that...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> CinnamonSugar was eventually banned...

Mrs. W

"Cinnamon Sugar" was a poster who harangued one of our members (serving in Iraq at the time) as being an abuser because he posted that his WW called him "controlling" or "abusive" (I believe, due to his taking control of the finances). He was soul-searching...trying to figure out if he had exhibited abusive behavior, although he had never hit his wife. Cinnamon Sugar was just a nasty piece of work.

She's long gone, and I hope she stays that way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JINX BUY ME A COKE LADY CLUELESS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

well it's that time of night again for me... i'll buy you both cokes...

I HATE night time now. I just don't feel right rolling over in bed to lay my hand in the small of her back till I fall asleep...and she's not there... sigh.

I see a trend here that spans back several years. There are a handful of women who come here like sharks when they smell wounded MALE BS blood in the water. *********edit************I wonder if some of them are not even the same person or from the same place. But they come here - out of the blue - to take nips at betrayed MEN by accusing them of being "abusive" or "controlling." They really seem to get a kick out of it.

We have a couple of these guys who actually left the boards because of these vicious sharks. There is alot of blood in the water on this board, so naturally it is going to attract predators.

Whoa Nellie... She cleaned out your joint accounts? You need to document how much was there, how much she took, dates, etc. If it comes down to it, sometimes the Judge will make them pay back 1/2 of what they took if you end up divorcing.

In fact, if you were a SAHD, she could end up paying you some kind of alimony (if your state has it) and child support if you get physical custody.

BTW, these are not the actions of a remorseful WS. She's looking out for #1. I think she's backing down on the criminal stuff because she knows it's bogus.

She took the $ cuz she thinks it's all hers. Even the $ I got from my settlement. I had the crask before i even knew her, but ti took 4 yeears to settle and I got the $ after we were married. So... she keeps telling me that's OUR money as I got it AFTER we wed.

Of course when things are good, and a marriage is a team I agree...hence when I pais cash for the new car i put BOTH our names on the title...I didn't HAVE to do that...I'm a nice guy and a team player in a marriage...

When I took a loan out for the 2nd new car, she REFUSED to let me take it off the dealership lot until she came down andmade the dealership redo ALL the paperwork so her name was on it too.... forcing her name to end up on the title as well.

So now she says the 2nd car (my car as we call it) needs to be sold so there is no loan against it, and she keeps the 1st car (her car as it's affectionately known now).

She says she's the bread winner (makes more than I do) so all the $$ is hers... This has been going on since we met. I'm allowed to put $$ into an account but I better have a good reason for
a) spending it without her prior knowledge
b) transferring it out of a joint account and into my account.

oh and my account is known as "MY private secret account" She's going to crap her self when the paperwork for a new accoutnf rom a new bank reaches my mailbox. i applied for a new account last week, got an email saying all the paperwork is being sent to the old address... this will be fun. Though isn't it a federal offense for her to open MY mail??? (happens ALL the time btw)

your wife needs mental help. sorry to say, but she is a controlling, manipulative liear that obviously feels that strength comes from keeping someone under thumb. Why are you wanting this witch back?

And all the stuff about money and such in a marriage is pointless..it is jointly owned no matter what the title says.

Ah, nicely done. I thought you might have given the whole game away by telling her that as well, but apparently you didn't. Good work. I say save it for the hearing, for when she makes the accusation that you cheated because you have an STD. Let her build her house of lies around that cornerstone and then, when the time is right, you yank the cornerstone out. Her house of lies will collapse around her and expose her for what she really is - an accomplished gaslighter.

How odd it is, this board over many years has resounded...trust your gut instincts.

I did and I do, yet after reading tonight- I have had to come to the conclusion that ( while posting here)-
If you see a red flag that has nothing to do with adultery-don’t say a word.

A prior victim of domestic violence also did-and was scoffed at...and for those that did that, I sure as ****** hope you head out of your kitchen door in the morning trusting your children’s partners. Mk says he sees a lot-nothing like a woman’s face being caved in by her husband’s boots...isn’t that right Mk...we still will have to catch up one day on your stats...when I did my training 6% of males accounted for the total of reported domestic violence victims-perhaps you should check your water. Coz nearly 50% is uncanny- for lack of a better word.

I have dropped in and out of here for yrs-I have felt the pain of adultery-good news is, I survived- I can answer that honestly-some of you may want to pose the question to yourselves-said it before and I will say it again-you can’t see the forest for the adultery.
And even if there is adultery here-it pales in comparison to the ignorance that has been displayed. The word Lemming comes to mind.

I do wish T well- I do believe he needs support and if you read his wife’s email ( that is the one without the invisible ink)-she does too- that is not a malicious attack, it is a simple observation.

An STD-this has been another that has stumped me---did not anyone here think to ask the question about the “dormant state” WTF-if it is dormant, how on earth does it do the damage it does? Voodoo? real clever.

I believe something happened that night T’s wife called the police-and I hope it is sorted.

Later

Troll.

Ummm, you might want to ask your attorney about this but I believe this is separate property the same as an inheritance would be. I might be wrong, but I feel pretty strongly that this is the case. If it is, then she's got some explainin' to do.

Well, that is VERY SCARY! She makes accusations based on "instincts" she feels over the INTERNET! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Even in marriages we tell people NOT to act on instinct alone but to INVESTIGATE! Your "instinct" should not lead you to the bad judgment to make insinuations about abuse with absolutely no corroboration. That is just irresponsible. ugh!

I wasn't quoting stats princess...I was giving you my real life experience. When you work in an urban setting in a large city (Philadelphia) the majority of the calls that you go on are domestic disputes. Invariably in those situations one partner will likely claim the other struck them....most likely the woman making the claim. Sometimes when you show up, there are signs of obvious abuse...no talking is necessary. Other times you get a loud mouth wife...with no marks on her "claiming" she was struck...but when you question the people in the house individually, you find out that she indeed struck her man...if he chose to defend himself by striking back, he was within his rights. I would say as often as not...when someone left in cuffs, it was the woman.
Madmax, your stats don't mean squat to me...and I doubt you have had any training...and I also doubt that you were an abused mate. More likely...you are an woman with an ax to grind against men because you can't get a date.
I have no problem with someone going with their instincts...but you were being a weenie and wouldn't come right out and ask the questions that needed answering...I did. If TOMK lies, there is nothing on a forum that can be done about it. You go with the info at hand. You on the other hand continue to take your little shots in a PA way.
I suggest that you slap a rainbow bumper sticker on the back of your VW Rabbit and find yourself another woman that has a problem with men.

Where is that little emoticon for ROFLMAO? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BTW MEDC, when I first read the first line of your post I thought you were talking to me. LOL

From what I've read about his wife, it is not outside of the realm of possibility that what happened is that she realized that he was packing and preparing to leave quietly.

Hmmm...given her ego, I should say that it would be humiliating for her to have to admit that her husband just packed his stuff and left, so she called the police so she could tell everybody that he was abusive, so she had to throw him out. You know....get the sympathy going so she doesn't look like the bad guy when she publicly takes up with her paramour.

I suspect the back-tracking she is attempting to do on the criminal charges is because she realizes that she may have bitten off more than she can chew, and NOT because she is being "nice".

What Lady said.

Lady,

From what little you (and anyone else) knows of me and my wife. you SO HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!!!

I left on my own once before (if anyone is truely reading this whoel story). After months of being told to get out, and trying to fight what I thought I wanted and stayed... I finally gave up and left. I left quietly that time too. Only that time, there was no child, not even a gleam of him in either of our eyes. Just a pet puppy. (Whom I took care of mostly as well btw).

She sat ont he couch and watched me pack ALL my things, not some of them like this time. When she saw I had the last box and was headed for the door, she started crying uncontrollably, telling me to stay.

I sat and we talked for hours about why I was leaving...she told me to, daily. I finally listened. As I walked out she said "Remember, this was your choice to leave..."

My choice? huh? After months of being told to, daily... how is it my choice? I simply didn what I was asked to do after giving up the fight to stay. She told ehr family I walked out on her....

It took many months for them to speak to me again, and to this day I am not in "the circle" as I was origionally. Her mother won't even look at me anymore...

So this time I left on my own. EVERYONE knows I would never leave my son. Not an option, period. Would I ever kidnap him? Yeah sure, why not just go to the police staion on my own and say hey, I'm the dad and I'm leaving my wife...btw just arrest me now cuz I don't have her permission to take my child with me. I don't want to be on the 6:00 News for an amber alert so just lock me away now....

So yes, her calling the cops and making these accusasion are her way of maintining the illusion of control over me. Just as she agreed all 4 times tot he civil standbys then chaged her mind last minute. Literally last minute, as in whent he police showed up and knocked on the door!

Yes max... something did happen that night. I told my wife (without speaking to her mind you) that I control me, not her.

Just got another IM for nno reason... unless of course my lawyer's investigator talked to her today..


edited only my son's name out...

I SO BADLY want to reply to this one!!! Luckily I ahve to go on a busineess road trip for the next 2-3 hours so I can't...

I sure HOPE you're documenting all these IM's by printing them & saving them!!!!!!

Definitely do NOT respond to any of her emails or text messages.

I't possible that she is just baiting you into violating the RO. She is using your son to get to you. Throwing in an "I love you"...so she still doesn't look like the "bad guy". She is using the your son to torture you and to try and make you think that you need to go comfort your son.

If you go anywhere near her and your son, she will likely have you locked up so fast your head would spin.

I agree 100%...........she is manipulating....I would not trust her as far as I could throw a tree....a very large tree.

DONT RESPOND!!! Please listn to us... I know it hurts, but DONT RESPOND.

Is it possible she is missing her 'babysitter'?

You will be home soon. I have a good feeling about this!

The one thing I love about my job...is I truly love my job. So much I really get into it, so it worked out that I had a client over an hour away that I needed to go fix ASAP. I will not call her and could not reply to the IM so I didn't.

But apparently I love my job too much... i never went to school for anythign I knw about computers or networks. I have a talent for troubleshooting. On my "off time" (when my wife says I'm online and neglecting her) I'm teaching myself more and more about IT stuff. Any other techies out there know that if you fall behind as much as 3 months and you might as well go flip burgers....

But I love learning new tips and tricks and troubleshooting, so when i don[t get paid for it, it's like a hobby i have. Maybe I was too much into it and really did neglect her emotional needs...in that making her go find it elsewhere, hence gone from home 12-14 hours a day.

regardless, she could have confronted me in a way to let me know she was hurting from it instead of accusing me of having online girlfiends!

So... I did not reply. In fact I just got in from the emergency call. No new email or IM. Though I much prefer the idea that she's regretting what she's done to me and really wants the bst for me, I tend to agree with all of you. as history has shown, perhaps that last IM was a last ditch effort the day before court.

I cannot reread it, I have it printed off and in the folder with the rest of them for tomorrow. If I read it, thoguths of him crying looking for me become real. I knew that's how he's been, but it has yet to be "spoken" so in a sense make sit that much less real.... but now it's been said and it's KILLING me.

I have to stay up tonight and keep my mind busy, otherwise I'll be a wreck thinkignabout my poor little man wanting me home and missing me... OK need ot stop!

I really hope things turn for me and go my way tomorrow. I need them to. I'm hopeful, but scared. I am scared of what she may say to the judge. I've been advised by my lawyer NOT to go into detail about why I was arrested, no matter how much I'll want to, to show him I was doing nothing wrong and falsely accused. But anythign i say in this hearing can be used against me in my criminal hearing. This one, worst case I don't see my son for a couple months, the next one I could go to jail for up to 6 years. I don't agree with my lawyer, i want all of this gone now, but the lawyer advises with what's in my best interests... so i must agree.

Going to be a looooooooong night.

Good luck today, I'm praying for you.

Same here. You have quite a few people thinking of you.

So court today was not at all what I expected it to be. I thought that once this was cleared up, everything went away and I could sleep in my own bed tonight. Oh how wrong I am!

First let me say this, I actually thought she may not even show up... I win by default right? Well 10 minute before our scheduled time, she shows. Typical of her, never early for anything but "work".

She looks at me, we lock eyes, she mouths "I love you" and we both start to cry a little. I'm trying to hold it back... She walks over to me and hands me my EZ Pass for the toll booths from out of her car. I told her I didn't want it and tried to give it back but she walked away saying "I don't want you to get into trouble".

We finally go in to the courtroom, only her and I in there. The judge comes in and we swear to tell the truth and nothing but...

Here's the bomb. She says she wants to drop the Domestic Violence charges as long as I agree to let her have custody (temp as it may be) of our son. And I'm to have.... supervised visitation.

The judge asks me if this is OK, I said no. I want to go home and be with my son 24/7. This I when I find out my days in court have just begun, not come to an end like I thought they may have. The judge tells me she understands I have criminal charges against me and advises me anything say in her courtroom can be used against me in my Hearing on 12/13. I was beside myself thinking this was to take care of both?? The court case on 12/13 is from the state charging me with threatening to kill her. There is nothing she can do about those charges now. I'm here today, because my wife who called the cops on me (and didn't want to arrested after the fact) went to the police station EARLIER THIS WEEK to have a new RO put against me.

But today my wife had a change of heart. She told the judge she was "misinformed on the correct paperwork to fill out. She wanted a temporary custody order, not a restraining order due to the happenings of that Monday evening." So this is my wife's way of getting out of telling this judge she lied about the charges against me. She had those dropped as far as she is concerned. But now the state is pressing the charges, basically on her behalf I guess.

So... because of the class A misdemeanor charges on me, this RO, the original one, is still in effect as part of my bail conditions. THIS I WAS NOT AWARE OF. So I can't go home until my court date, I can't talk to her until my court date, I can have supervised visitation with my son at a state facility, that I will have to pay for before I can see him. And I have to wait for today's paperwork to be processed before I can petition the facility to get a visitation schedule.

I am devastated that I am to have "day visits" with my son that need to be supervised. But at least I get to see my son... I have to remain positive.

Through all this, we had to leave the courtroom once to wait for paperwork and then go back in. During that time, when there was no bailiff around. She tells me she's sorry for all this and that she wants me home too, but it's now out of her hands.

I got back into the courtroom after I get the new paperwork on my visitation, and as I read it I can't help but cry. This is when I learned for the first time I would not be at least having him every other weekend till this mess is over. There was a clerk of some kind, and my wife in the room too. I look up in disbelief, and my wife has the nerve to say to me "What did you want me to do?" I look at the clerk, then into my wife's eyes, and say "Not call the cops on me and just let me leave quietly like I was trying to." That got a shrug of the shoulders...

My timeline is off here... while we were out of the courtroom I called my lawyer to find out why things weren't completely dropped seeing how she had the DV thing dismissed. As I'm talking with my lawyer, my wife doesn't know who I'm on the phone with, she tosses me the evil look I usually get and mouths something I can't make out. But the message is something to the effect she's not happy I'm talking to someone.

In all that.. Somewhere she gave me my wedding ring back too. I saw her wearing it on her right thumb so asked her for it. She said again "I don't want you to get into trouble, I can't give it to you". But then gave it to me anyway.

Never got the chance to tell her about my test results... I could have told her outside the courtroom, but I didn't. I wanted it to be on record that she knew... She does now however that I was in town where we used to live... same town her parents are in. That's where our Dr is, well Mine, she changed her already. I passed her father in the center of town, and apparently her sister told her. First time ever, that I saw her dad and he didn't wave... so they know... something.

I asked her about it during one of the times there was no bailiff around. She said all they know is that I'm not at home right now and that she belted me across the face.

So I reluctantly agreed to the supervised visitation so that the DV charges are dropped. In hopes that the record of what happened today will go along with what the state is charging me with. I went and gave my lawyer the latest paperwork and BEGGED HER to get my date moved up sooner. So I could go home. Waiting till Xmas is just too long to wait to go home. She said she would see what she could do, and reminded me that the investigator is still trying to reach my wife. I got an IM from her @ 1:00 today saying she's meeting the guy @ 3:30 today....

I'm numb. No appetite, no desire to do anything. I just want to go home.

I guess this is a win of a battle and a step closer to winning the war.... but I sure don't feel that way.

Thinking,

God provides.

Last Christmas I was advising Eph when his wife took off with his kids over the Christmas holiday leaving him behind broken and alone. She basically attempted to abscond with the kids and move to her parents home in another state.

Eventually...Eph got a hearing and won temporary custody of his kids and has had it nearly all year awaiting a final custody order sometime this fall (which all indications are that he will prevail).

If you play this all correctly you will be able to beat the wrap, make it obvious she trumped up the charges in an attempt to extort a custody agreement (which her statements on the record today demonstrate), demonstrate yourself to be the most concerned parent (even supervised visitation should be undertaken and not avoided at all despite how humiliating it is), and demonstrate yourself as the most reasonable and trustworthy person with whom the court can most trust to look out for the best interests of the kids.

Hopefully...she incriminate herself to such an extent you'll end up with even more than 50-50 custody.

Worst case...you lose. But don't settle. Settling, at any point in this process is admitting guilt. Your child is young. As long as you don't agree and get a custody order IMPOSED upon you by a judge...then you'll be more likely to win later when you seek modification of the custody order in two, four, six years and so on. IF you settle...then you lose many of your best arguments because you agreed to place your child with her. Courts are hesitant to change an agreed upon custody order. They will just think you've waived your right to complain and unless something really new has surfaced to change the circumstances...you lose.

Keep your head up. Win or lose...the victory is in the fight.

Mr. Wondering

In other words.

The court should punish her for this misbehavior.

You will be seen as a victim.

She as the perpertrator.

The court should become sympathetic to you. They may not say that or document it but in the end...if you continue fighting...it SHOULD become clear to them and you should win a more favorable decision than had your wife just let you leave peacefully and play the victim herself.

There SHOULD be an upside to this struggle you find yourself in and you won't see that upside unless you fight to the end. (the court and attorneys will struggle mightly to get you to acquiesce to a moderate custody arrangement...most likely every other weekend and wednesdays...it will even seem crazy to them that you won't accept that considering all you face...however, it is because you face this and continued fighting that SHOULD be demonstration enough to the judge/court about how serious you are, how innnocent you are and how protective you actually are of your son...trick is not to appear abusive in your demands which only plays into her victim mode. You just fight quietly and continue to fight...nicely.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. Wondering

Man, I think you're being PLAYED... Sounds like she's trying to play the legal system too. Hopefully they see right through it.



Strike one for her.

I think it's a good thing that you didn't have an opportunity to disclose that you were free from the STD. IMO that should be disclosed ONLY when she makes public her claim that that's her proof of your infidelity.

I don't understand why your attorney wasn't there with you. This was a temporary custody hearing right? He should have been there to speak up on your behalf. Doesn't your wife have an attorney? If so I can't believe the judge bought her story about filing out a Restraining Order thinking it was a Custody Order. Those are two different animals. Two different jurisdictions. One's civil, one's criminal. Where did she go to get the RO? Surely the clerk advised her about what it was. How did she know to get one? What "proof" did she offer to get it?

This just doesn't make sense to me.

She screwed you big time with this new RO.

Sorry. Your attorney needs to get on the stick and stop this train before it wrecks.

TOMK, your (W?)W clearly has the ability to put deep into fogland with the minimum of effort. SHE IS GOING TO USE THIS AGAINST YOU!!

I would strongly suggest that you do NOT put yourself into situations where she can put one over on you like that. If you do have to talk with her, do it through a lawyer and always make sure one is present if you're meeting face to face. Avoid all other communication. Use this period away from your home to work on your personal boundaries and what you are not willing to accept if/when you eventually move back home. Your W can only continue to take advantage of you if you continue to let her.

I'm so very, very sorry to hear about this. And my heart hurts for your little boy.

Do everything required of you and don't let her get to you. The second RO thing....good Lord, that's just VISCIOUS.

Nasty piece of work, there.

No. This was not a custody hearing. This was a hearing for the Domestic Violence RO...to be nulled out, modified, or extended. It was nulled out per my wife, as long as I agree to the TEMPORARY custody. As this is a Domestic issue and not a criminal issue, my court appointed attorney couls not represent me. had I wanted a lawyer for today, I would have had to pay for one. My wife did not bring one either.

My wife basically lied to the judge, playing stupid that she filled out the wrong form. The judge does not know that she has a legal background. Like I said, this was my wife's way of doing what she does best. What she said made the judge believe one thing, when she meant another and unless asked a SPECIFIC quiestion in a SPECIFIC way... she's do that "lying by omission" thing.

Pathological.

Lastest IM just came in...

names removed, otherwise no edits.


I would reply with, I know it's "aweful" it's a public defender's office, they aren't made of money you know. They help guys like me... but thanks ever so much for your concern sweetheart. Just think, had you not called the police that night, where we both are right now...would be a heck of a lot BETTER!!!!

but... again, if I reply before my court case on 12/13.... I get to spend the rest of the time waiting for court in a 6 X 8 cell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K....gotta chime in and put my two cents in here.....My XH and I had a situation close but not entirely like this....I've been lurking on this thread because it caught my attention. First things first....I agree with MK....I may be a rookie...but in my training in law enforcement (granted I don't know your states laws)I can't see why you were arrested if there was NO evidence of DV. I can see them asking you to leave the residence for 24 hours. But with no evidence of spousal battery I don't understand why they arrested you. Secondly....I think you need to seriously with your lawyer sit down with the D.A. about this. You have enough evidence that she is manipulating the system....you have done everything right per your R.O. you also have officers (hope you got there names) who escorted you as civil standby's and can atest to your proper behaviour. I think it's time to stop playing the nice guy...my gut feeling is she is up to something and thinks she is a few steps ahead of you. She is waiting for the right moment to unveil it. Protect yourself man...for you and your son. I know it's hard but I think thats where you need to start.

Thanks surviving. Thank you everyone. But I have to ask this... why? What made me a target for her instead of someone she loved and respected? Could this huge thing in our life be something that changes her ways? Or am I still being played? What else is there to take from me? The only thing I can think of is that she gets some sick twisted sekf gratification knowing that once this is over, she could do it again on a whim.

Was she abused so badly in her past relationship that she's ....can't think of the right word but it means taking it out on me to stand up for herself.

She talks about counseling, but does that mean I need ot get counseling for my supposed attack on her? Or is she saying WE need councelling.

THIS SUCKS!!!! Trying to figure out what's going on with only a one sided conversation.... ugh!

I pleaded with my lawyer, the VERY young girl....either fresh out of college or even still in... to get me an earlier court date. For more than just I wanted to be back with my boy. If this is my baby, and she does have medical issues due to this STD, then I need to be there when she has DR visits. But I don't think my lawyer fully understood my urgency...

I think your wife is setting you up for something also. I also think that this goes beyond husband abuse to now judicial system abuse.

Can you not get some $ from family or a credit card to find an real atty? At least pull out the yellow pages & get a consultation. Public Defenders are notoriously overloaded & will advise a plea bargain if given a chance. This is not good and result you having supervised visitation for years.

I just don't get how your wife can null the PO with added restrictions for visitation - does she have that much power in NH? I think she is setting you up for losing any custody rights in the future. She has to have some one waiting in the wings since she is ruining her husband while pregnant. This is the part I cant get my head around.

How would this play out in court on the criminal charges ? Why would the DA persue this if their alleged victim is dropping the PO? Who else would be a witness to the crime?

On another note - your wife visits with your atty - did your atty relay the results of the interview? good lord - is your wife now manipulating your defender?

I thought our justice and legal system is corrupt and dysfunctional but this is absolutely amazing. I feel for ya - I only have been a juror 5 times so very ignorant how these things go.

Re read today's events - What are you saying here ? Did she strike you in the court ?

no she told her family she belted me. Her family doens't knwo WHY she belted me, just that I'm out of the house and she hit me. I don't think they even know she's pregnant yet.

My wife had a meeting with my attorney's investigator.

I really wish I could afford a "real attorney" But I have no way of supporting that financially. Family will not help me, their vacation plans in 2 weeks might get ruined if they help me.... and as I said, she cleaned out every joint account we have.

I do have ONE thing goign for me though and I'm trying LIKE MAD to get it settled NOW. Ever hear of the TomTom Personal navigation device? Well 2 years ago I bought a couple domain names in the hopes of doing something with them as a "TomTom enthusiast". Well I got an email about a month ago from Corp over in the UK. Seems my domain names are trademark infringements, but they are willing to pay me for them. It's a good amount too, i just have bben trying to verify this isn't some scam to get my bank info. I just last week opened a new account ina total different bank in case this is a scam...

Paperwork was emailed back tot hem today when I got out of court. But as the UK is 5 or 6 hours ahead of me, they were closed by the time I sent the email. So I should hear back on Monday, have the wire transfer Tuesday. transfer and close that account Wednesday.... So i do have a chance on the $ side soon anyway.

If the baby is mine, and it ends up being a girl.... I think I'm going to push for the name "Hope"

Posting this why?.... no idea. Just trying to keep myself occupied and not think about missing my son too much. Going to be a long weekend. This weekend we were supposed to take him up north to leaf peeping....

TOMK,
I've read your entire thread her and I seem to have more Q's than I do answers for you.
I had to go back to your original thread(s) to attempt to glean more info in all of this.

You said:
"After all, she's CONSTANTLY accusing me of cheating on her. So this makes me think she's accusing me to cover her tracks? (That part comes from experience...sadly).

She swears she never has cheated on me, or anyone else. I have though, so I must have cheated on her too."

Would you care to elaborate on that statement? You don't have to, obvioulsly, but I'm just curious.

Did you not say you had a previous M that also involved children? I could have got this wrong, but I will double check.?

You said:
"She jumped back, tripped over the closthes that were all over the room, backed into the half open door which poked the doornob through the wall by the way. So there is her proof that i hit her I guess, after all, how else would that hole get there right???" So there was physical evidence to the police, that some form of violence had occurred, correct?

I went down stairs and asked her where the smut was, she said "Its not on your laptop, it's downstairs ont he server" I went down there... saw it, and immediately deleted it! NOT to get rid of somethign I did... to get rid of that garbage of what i thought was my PC...."
So one must ask, how did that smut get downloaded to your computer? Did your W download that? Is this yet another setup? Once again, just curious.

"The snooping software she talks about... yep, I did do that IN THE PAST...as I said, i've been dealing with this from her for THREE YEARS." Isn't that the length of years you've been married to her? So you have been mistrusting of her since day one of your M? Why?

"One week later we were home and it was my turn to have my kids form my previous marriage."
Ooops, nevermind, I answered my own Q. As I recall, you never see your C from previous M because your present W used to get angry at that prospect, or something like that? And you accepted that? Are you not the father of these C, and still have a responsibility to be their father?

TOMK, I don't know what to make of your sitch. To be honest, there seems to holes in both sides of this battle. As I said at the beginning of this reply, I end up with more Q's than answers, but that’s for me to ponder.

I do wish you luck in being able to see your son again, and truly hope that you start to become a part of the lives of your previous C from former M. FORMER, doesn't mean they don't need you.

All Blessings,
Jerry

She has admitted belting YOU across the face and YOU were arrested? I'd be having your attorney supoena her family members!

On the mouthing "I love you" stuff...don't buy into it. She is gaslighting you...BIG TIME! She's hoping that your head will start spinning. Remember that she filled out paperwork for ANOTHER RO against you. Do you know what basis she used to file it, if you haven't responded to any of her texts and emails?

The charges against you can be dropped, but she'd have to tell the TRUTH in order to do so. She's not going to tell the truth, because then she'd probably get into trouble for filing a false report.

Don't buy into her lovey-dovey words, because her ACTIONS are what's telling the truth. Don't respond to anything she says, even if nobody is around, because, IMO, I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't start ripping her clothes and screaming bloody murder while exposing pre-arranged bruises around her neck or something.

Man, I hate to keep being the pessimist here but PLEASE be very careful in dealing with these people. My son, who is a massage therapist and a personal trainer, started receiving email from a couple in the UK. Apparently they were there on vacation and were not happy with their massage therapist back home (here in the US). They scheduled a MONTH of massages with my son and said that their current massage therapist would be mailing him a check for the remaining balance that they had already paid him. The guy said my son could just cash the check and then wire any remaining money back to him in the UK. He said when they returned to the US they would pay him normally for the next month... to please bear with them. Ha!

THIS WAS A SCAM. Thank God we figured this out before any money changed hands. Thank God my son ran it by me. I told him in the beginning that it sounded very weird and something was off about the whole deal.

The alleged therapist here in the US (Pennsylvania) actually sent a package through UPS but we had just recently moved and the package was returned to UPS. When my son called about it, UPS said that they flagged it as fraudulent.

When you said these guys were in the UK -- alarm bells started sounding. I hope I'm wrong for your sake.

Mel

As Always predicable- you have been for yrs now-read it back to yourself. Though I do digress, I could have possibly used the term “marker”.

Mk-Let’s let this clear, I don’t need a date---I’m married, have been for a number of yrs now, or are you sadly now promoting adultery?
And matey I never did state I was an abused partner-you may benefit from reading my post again also...slowly if that also helps.

You go with the info you choose at hand-I will go with my info, question if I have too...you call that weenie? (That has to be American)

.I call it –information gathering-that will hopefully lead to a holistic approach.-one not blinded by distractions...that could lead to a positive outcome.

While I type about that, I might just ask too, T, has been separated before, when was that separation?. Some folks believe it or not... That if they are separated: It isn’t cheating (another day for that debate too) could that explain the STD.- but nothing explains or has convinced me otherwise-that false accusations have been made.

And yes Shine, somewhere in here he does have two other kids-though he seems to be thinking of them.

As for my training mk-I am very good at what I do...if adultery taught me one thing .it is to stand up for what I believe in.

And something is sooo not right here.

Uneducated, annoying, stalking troll looking for another date under a rainbow in a v-dub

AKA

Max

Happy to answer any questions or ellaborate more if it helps me figure all this out...

I cheated in my 1st Marriage, I was just and stupid. I regretted it as it happened, hated myself for it, came clean to my then wife, we worked through it but it ultimately ended our marriage. Not by her though. I was too discussed with myslef and thought she deserved better. had I not been the one to file paperwork, we may very well still be married and celebrating 13 years next spring.

My current wife knows i cheated, so thinks I will cheat again. She refuses to listen to the entire story though, but knows I'm the one who filed. So then that brings up the comments about how we (me and my exwife) still love each other and want each other back. in fact my current wife thinks that's who I'm cheating with...my ex. But I'm not cheating. I felt horrible the first time i did it, i will NEVER do that again. I would leave the relationship I'm in now before i persued another. Physical or emotional.

Answered above

First instinct was that yes, my wife downloaded it, not for added ammo on me...for whatever reason, i don't believe that's illegal... but I though it was her cuz she watches the Cinimax late night stuff from time to time. I don't like watching that. So I thought perhaps she downloaded it. But... I can't verify this right now because the servers are oof, but one was setup for me to access remotely, in that made it publicly available. Maybe a random internet user found it. Like i said, right now I cannot confirm that, i can't get on it to check the logs.

I guess you missed the part about how i inadvertantly found an email to her exboyfreind of 10 years. The email told him EVERYTHING of her trip to Vegas, even sent him pictures of her. Yet not ONE WORD about how her name changed while WE were there or that I was even with her... then signed the email "Love L" My favorite picture of her is tainted cuz she sent him that one, and every time I see that picture I'm reminded of the email. BTW...she never denied sending it when i told her I saw it. So from then on, for a while... i snooped to see what else she would send him. and there was this guy in Kansas too... never met him or found out much about him, just that before me, she would visit him often and go on 'roadtrips' with him. Just as freinds according to her... so i snooped on that part to make sure it was just freinds. never found anythign on him though.

Yes, absolutely. I failed them for a few years as a father and am on my way to rebuilding that relationship with them. My exwife is gracious enough to allow me back into their lives.

Yes, former does not mean not needed. It took me being arrested to see how controlling my wife really is. My eyes are opened and they won't be glazed over again. i have a LOT of catching up to do with my kids.

Touche`

Took me a minute to realize you were tlaking about the TomTom stuff... yeah i've done my homework on these guys. From all i can find it's legit. But I'm still protecting myslef just in case. I went and opened another account in a completely different bank, just in case. So if i do get screwed, I only lose the $25 I used to open that account and they have no way of knowing where my real account is.

hi Max,
thanks for your post. it's convinced me 100% that you are NOT here to help anyone. I've since excercised my MB dicussion board rights and asked the Mods to ban you.

Not that your posts merrit a reply...
yes i have been seperated from my wife once. 2 months after my marriage to her. iwas gone about 6 weeks maybe? Can't honestly remember. but I was still married to her and faithful, as I would expect her to have been to.

My name is not Ross, and we were not on a break.

Once again I'd like to thank you sincerely for using this thread I use to find help and insight as to why my marriage is falling apart for you own agenda. Wasting my time, other members time, and yes...even yours. Please go away voluntarily.

Your VERY FIRST post shows that you are only here provoking those who have been cheated on... I would think that most find their way here seeking help and as such, the first post made, though not always apparent, but most first posts... are questions from themselves, not replys such as yours.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2984615

Apparently my wife still feels the need to know everytihng and have the upper hand on everyone...

In one of the brief moments we were alone together I asked her what she told her family and how I saw her Dad- which she already knew- in town and that he didn't wave to me.

This "conversation" took place less than 24 hours ago... Now I get yet another IM... (I'm sort of glad to get the IMs, but I am strong enough not to answer any of them.)
Town name edited out... that's all

She did not get the chance to hear in court that the reason why I was in town was to get a hard copy of my lab results that show I'm negative on all STDs. As it was not mentioned in court and not on record, she will not know until opportunity presents itself IN COURT. Or until this matter is behind me and there is no longer a court case. Even then, I may hold onto it for when/if divorce proceedings commence. It clearly shows the date the tests were given, and the date the results came in... 4 days after I learned she had an STD.

Your wife is a piece of work. I am not totally convinced there is someone in the wings now, since she seems to have to communicate with you.

I guess she likes the power trip of the one way communication - you can't respond to anything without going to jail.

She may have bitten more she can chew and will have to follow up with further lies to protect herself even if she has you incarcerated for a major crime. Be careful with her.

Even if you beat this rap and things start to normalize - what will prevent her from screaming rape or assault as shinethrough mentioned ? I don't think you can ever be safe with this woman.

that's the million doallr question... pardon the pun sweetheart if you ever find this and read it.

we were happy, very happy, before we wed. I'm fairly confident we can be again. we don't ALWAYS fight. As I've said, when we go on roadtrips or vacations things are great, i's just when we are home... (what can that mean??)

Counseling...we NEED counseling.. WE need counseling. If she will agree to that, there may be a chance I can feel safe enough not to worry about her doing something like this ever again.

I know I shouldn't blame myself for any of this, but the more I read on here and other places, maybe this is her way of screaming out to me that she does need me. I admitted that I'm emotionally detached, so that I don't engage in arguements. arguements are what she knows, from her own words and saying what her last relationship was like...

We haven't had time for us in years, granted it's only been a few years together... but if we make a real effort and use that couch as CCT like we bought it for, maybe this marriage can work. And we will both be happy and the nonsense arguments will just stop.

Your wife is playing a game and using her advantages as a woman to beat you. Your only recourse is to remain calm and peaceful (lest you give credence to her charges) and try to document her and flip her into the defensive position.

Here's a link to a website about survellance items.

I think off the page I linked you can again link to a whole website containing stories and information about vindictive use of RO's and DV charges (www.dontmakehermad.com). I don't know how current all the links and information is but it looks informative.
.
LINK -Don't make her mad...protective devices

warning - using survellance in court (even in the hallway) might be completely against the law. It would have been nice to record your conversations at court that day or even prompt her to admit she's trumping up charges...just don't get caught. Even if not allowed...it could be used forever to vindicate you...even with your own child when he becomes an adult. I like the MP3 recording wristwatch idea ($70) though I don't know how obvious it would be.

TOMK, another thought...like in the courtroom, etc. Don't let the bailiff/official leave you in the room alone with your wife. Tell him that you don't trust her and that you need to be protected from any further allegations of abuse.

If he HAS to leave you there alone with her, then ask him to handcuff you to something that keeps you in the same spot. Any allegations of abuse from her would then have to mean that she approached YOU.

Hmm! Heck, while you're at it, ask him if he can handcuff HER to soemthing, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

rwinger...really that makes it all the more likely that there is an OM in the picture...Affairs desperately NEED the BS in order for them to continue...Seriously, it adds to the drama of it all...I believe most BSs are unaware of just how much the conversations of the infidels are all about the BS...What they might know-how "terrible" they are-guess what he/she said now?-How are we gonna be sure they don't find out...Oh man it is really the sickest thing...GAG...But that IS what goes on-sadly, I've been there, so I know firsthand...Also, most OMs really dig being the knight in shining armor...TOMK's wife has created a perfect scenario for that...

TOMK, I've asked this one other time, but do you have a friend that would be willing to stake out your house and spy? If there is an OM in the picture and he lives relatively nearby, you can bet that he is at your house during all of this...Which is just sick, twisted and wrong...But I think you need to know...

Mrs. W

Mrs W -

I agree with your take - very interesting - it would be a perfect setup.



Another thing is that I would not put it past this WW at all. She seems to be one cruel person IMO

Adding this - I saw the link that MrW shared above. WOW - that is sure food for thought. I have wondered what I will counsel my 25 & 19 yo sons on marriage - why would an American male even think of marriage - the contract is one sided. I know commitment is the purpose of the marriage contract - but its looking more like a commitment for a fool . Not very MB I know - apoligies for the threadjack.

Sadly, because I pretty much keep to myself... I have no friends. Lots of "friendlies" but no friends. I've been this way all my life, maybe that's why I love motorcycles so much.

I've found the survaillance site quite interesting too. Reminds me of a time I did some work for a client of mine and they let me borrow a device for 2 weeks. http://www.trackit.ws I put the Harley Demo in her trunk, called her office about 1:00 one day and her secretary told me she had gone to lunch. I look up the tracking device...can't remember where she was, but it wasn't lunch. Asked her later that night where she went for lunch, she said she didn't have lunch. "Oh really, cuz your secretary said you were gone 2 hours for lunch??" Her reply was that just becuase she leaves the office doesn't mean she went to lunch, she has off-site business meetings all the time. (Her secretary is new).

....guess I bought that one, stupidly. or maybe I knew and was just in denial?????? Ha! Maybe I STILL AM in denial...

My kids had a surprise B-day party today for my ex, they asked me to go. I did. Boy was that fun. Her ex (who recently just moved out according to the kids and my family)litterally fought for the kids' attention while I was there. My sister and her family, and my parents went too. My little 10 yr old girl pulled it off. My ex was completely surprised. hung out for about an hour and left. My wife ever finds out... I wouldn't put it past her to call the cops saying I just drove by the house or something. She HATES that I still talk to the ex. Absolutely hates it.

TOMK

Did you ever take Mrs W advice?


Perhaps your sister. BTW - can any of your family members go visit DS at the home to check up on him? Does the RO affect your side of the family also ? I cannot fathom my family not checking on my kids if this situation ever occurred. I have a large family and they would probably insert themselves. If he RO includes everyone - dont break it. You know the priorities of your situation.

I also want to say kudos for your self control on not responding to the IM and emails. Personally - my Italian-Irish temperment would have caused a plan FU or my own spontaneous combustion and landed me in a cell- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I would be paying atty bills for the rest of my life.

Yes, I have taken the advice, but as I said, i have no freinds... I keep to myslef. My family pretty much falls under the RO in that respect too.

Funny thing about New Hampshire i've found out. Dads and married men who have Wayward Wife's don't get much of a break. I've recently discovered that if this baby isn't mine, and i get divorced and she keeps it. I still have to pay child support for it. A married man who's wife becomes pregnant, even if not his child, must support said child. I wasn't on my laptop when i found this law so I can't post the link. I'm trying to find it again as I type. I forget what I was searching and just happened across it....

Can you believe this crap????

Also, don't know if this was her doing her thing or her giving in to my son. I was out with my other kids today after my son's football game. We went for a hike through some local woods. My phone rings, it comes up private number, the only number that ever comes up that way is my house.... I let ti go to voicemail. I'm on an RO after all so can't talk to her.

Vm rings in teeling me there's a message left. I listen to it... it's my son.... crying. Telling me he loves me, misses me, and wasnts to know when I'm coming home. Needless to say i had to compose myslef in front of my toher kids, it was bad enough for my 8 year old to ask me if I was OK....

I can hear her int he background saying "I hope you are happy now that you got to do that" as they hung up the phone. I get back to where I'm staying after I drop off the kids back at their house and I have am IM from my wife.
I WANT TO GO HOME!!!!!
Is there any chance of me calling someone and explaining all this so that i can get my court date expidited? I mean NOW...First thing Monday morning?!?!?!? I've listened to that message too many timmes. I just want to hold him and never ever let go!!!

Save that vcml msg and IM and show it to your atty. Tell her is this is torture and harassment by your wife and I still think this is close to official oppression. Sorry to hear you have to endure this. All I can say is save it and show it.

Texas is similar. It is PRESUMED until proven otherwise. You can always refute it with a paternity test.

Found out some states will not even consider the DNA testing to establish paternity. The presumed father is the married spouse and cannot be contested or removed with DNA testing.

Interesting link of different decisions:

http://www.clasp.org/publications/truth_and_consequences2.pdf

IN NH...DNA don't matter.... If you are married.

it doesn't matter IF you have raised the child as your own. DNA can be brought as proof after a birth...married or not....but after haviung raised the child for a given time, it will not matter in almost every jurisdiction.

Men get the shaft in matters of reproduction... we have no say on abortion and are frequently lied to about paternity. And I mean frequently. Any woman that lies to a man about the paternity of a child should NEVER see that child again. By that single act, she has proven herself to be an unfit parent, partner and person.

How do you know this? A lot of states have just recently (within the last 5 years) enacted "disestablishing paternity" statutes with all kinds of ifs, buts and whens.

TOMK -

Stay on task for the time being. There is enough headache on the current legal situation / custody to keep you busy. There is plenty of time later to worry about paternity - I assume its just conjecture at this point - correct?

Is it possible to visit with your atty tmrw morning to find out if this can be expedited? Show the vcml and IM - go to the clerk's office. If not - I guess men are just screwed in this country.

I was going to go to work late tomorrow but I start @ 8 and the attorney isn't there till 9, so I book myself out of the office from 9:30-11.

First things first. Priority 1 is to get back in the house and take care of my boy. Step 2 is to put my newly purchased Survaillance gear into effect. Step 3, be warey and question everything.

Good plan TOMK.

Here is a link to the controlling case law regarding paternity presumption in NH. It appears to be a rebuttable presumption which means you likely can disavow paternity and use a DNA test to prove it. DNA doesn't matter if you WANT the child to be yours...whereas it likely does if you choose to disavow paternity.

link - BODWELL V. BROOKS

I'd need to research more as this case involves a biological step father wanting paternity versus a husband trying to get out of being forced to pay child support to a non-biological child.

However...read the case carefully and google the other pertinent cases to see if you can come up with a more germaine fact pattern.

Also...there is a case cited in Bodwell called Stanley which I thought looked interesting to your case. It gives a New Hampshire Step Father the right to seek custody of a step child in the best interests of the child. Apparently, upon cursory review, you are not SOL in New Hampshire when it comes to your step daughter.

Mr. Wondering


edited to add : OOOOPS...got your case mixed up with another that involved step-children. Never mind. Sorry.

edited to add: NEVERMIND...wrong guy. Too bad Jamesus doesn't live in New Hampshire.

Thinking,

I do not believe under New Hampshire law that you will be required to pay child support for your wife's unborn child if you prove the child isn't yours (blood test) and you don't acknowledge the child as your own. Wherea, IF you happen to reconcile with your wife and choose to raise this child as your own...you CAN use the paternity presumption to keep OM from obtaining any parental rights to such unborn child.

Watts v. Watts -

"Watts v. Watts, 337 A.2d
350 (N.H. 1975) (ex-husband not permitted to deny paternity after discovery that children were not
his biological offspring where had acknowledged children for fifteen years; “[to] allow defendant to
escape liability for support by using blood tests would be to ignore his lengthy, voluntary acceptance
of parental responsibilities”)."

You have not voluntarily accepted ANY parental resposilibities for this child. This might not stop your wife from putting your name on the birth certificate which MAY necessitate you disavowing the child in your divorce petition and/or demanding a blood test to determine paternity.

I got the quote above (footnote #35) from a more expansive law review article on paternity rights which you may want to read.

Link - Duke law review Article

Mr. Wondering

Wow Mr. W. I'm impressed. This is great information for TMOK to use in further asserting his rights as to the unborn child and his SD.

Yes! Thanks MrWondering. If I go that route, you have helped me alot!

Right now I'm trying like CRAZY to get these criminal charges dropped and move forward! I do not have warm fuzzies about my court appointed, very young lawyer. I called her today to express the urgency I have with all this and told ehr the full story about the voicemail on my ceel, what my son (tried to) say, and what I heard her say in the background.

My lawyer wasn't too convincing to me that she was going to do everything in her power to get this moved up. She was - to me anyway, sort of hap-hazzrda dn carefree in her mannerisms. "Oh yeah, well I can try this and ...oh I guess i could try that..." sort of thing.

I pleaded with her, saying "Listen, my son is obviously very upset I'm not home with him, it obvious it's unbearable to me to be w/o him too. Can you please call whoever you need to so that we can get my bail conditions changed at the very least?!?!" Her reply was oh well you ar supposed to have visitation rights now, so why don't you just go visit him?

I can't visit him! I have to WAIT for the court paperwork to get to me, then.... oh wait... this si good... how do i contact my wife to setup a visitation schedule??? oh yeah... i can't!!! The RO prevents that!!!

hmph....okie dokie....man that wife of yours...I would loove to teach her a thing or two about parenting....ok how can I put this in a nice way....YOUR WIFE IS A LUNATIC AND SHE IS USING YOUR SON AS A PAWN!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

By involving him the way she did and barring you from seeing him....she is up to no good she wants to get you in trouble and she is purposely baiting you. can you upload that VM message? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Can I call your lawyer...please....I would love to call your lawyer and tell her to get off her buns and get you to the D.A.....but you get what you pay for....I think you should at least get a consult with a laywer who specializes in family law....your son is being manipulated as well and it can be seen by the courts as a bad thing. Call the D.A. or somethign and find out if you can set an appointment....as far as the visitation...unless your lawyer is a total cold hearted...well you know...she may be able to convey the message to the proper people about setting the visitation schedule....that way you follow the procedure. Sorry this whole new recent events I read gave me flash backs of what my XH did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I dread leaving work. Reality sets in as I drive past the onramp to the highway to go home...and I'm not going that way.

When I would pick him up from daycare on my way home...I would actaully have to travel past home to go get him, the trip home was so quick. The 30 minute ride to pick him up and the 20 minute ride home just went by like a flash.

Now... now the road just seems to go on forever and I'm stuck in a metal jungle of traffic. It's about 75 minutes for me if I we to go "straight home" now. But it seems to take days. I don't even want to come here. Cuz I think what do I do once I get here? I used to play with my boy for a bit, then get his dinner ready if we weren't waiting for mommy that night. Then after he ate we'd take a bath or just play til she got home.

Then bedtime about 7:30 every night. He's so cute. He refuses to go upstairs to bed without a fuss unless Daddy gives him kisses, then sometime we get kisses between each lattace ont he stairwell till Daddy can't reach anymore. As Mommy and baby go upstairs for ni-night time... he says...

He says, see you in the mornin, love you, ni-night. See you in the mornin, love you, ni-night.

I miss that. So frikkin much

Another email from her tonight, I only edit out names...



See, I go open another account and I have to use my real address otherwise I can't opent he account. This is the account I setup for the TomTom thing... in case it is a scam, they don't have my real bank account info. but here I go opening a secret account somewhere that wifey can't see... what an A-hole I am!!!

Yes, before court whent here was no bailiff around I did tell her I want to come home, that wasn't a lie! That wasn't to get me out of trouble...why can't she see that???

She doesn't knwo I have test results saying I'm clean. Could she seriously think this came from me? Could she NOT have cheated herself? Did a test result go to the wrong patient? yes i was online alot, but computers is what I do for a living, no schooling on it. What I knwo i learn from doing or researching. isn't that one of the many things the internet allows for these days??? No more Libraries... The cell phone thing... heck i can't remember the last time I used my persaonl cell phone, I swear she put my cell on her plan just to be able to check my phonecalls...period. Funny thing though, she was the only one i ever called or got calls from. Aside from the occasionally rare call to/from the kids... The setup she talks about...again, VoIP phones needs a hardline in at least 1 set... I guess i should have hardlined that one in the master bedroom instead of getting it out of the way int he basement where all the lines come into the house.... i hide nothign from her, cuz first of all I have no need to, secondly when i did try way back when...she ALWAYS knew. Even if it was the littlest of things like a surprise gift ot something. I NEVER ONCE GAVE HER REASON TO BELIEVE I WAS CHEATING. Although i do she her POV on it. I just wish this dang RO would go away so i could explain all this to HER.

Proof right here that after I was cuffed she was in the doorway listening to everythign i was telling the Police. That must have bothered her big time to hear me tell someone I think she's the dirty one in this relationship....

And i believe it's only a matter of time that she make them aware the car is not garaged there, but then, this time the car is in her name too and a loan against it... so perhaps she would get into trouble if she told them? I love ow she goes on about me not having bills and no rent... yep... no NOTHING thank you very much.... how's that $9K bonus you got 2 weeks ago doing for you??? You know, the day before you had me arrested!!!

panic when i read this... does this mean the boyfriend is moving in????? I never got the chance to come clean on anything. There was nothing to come clean on, on my end. And when i got medical proof of that I couldn't share it with her because of a flippin RO!!!! And now I have to wait for my bail conditions to change!!! WTF?!?!?!? IS she going on with her life without givign me the chance to explain ANYTHING?!?!?!?!

Woah!!!! She's leaving him ALONE?????? OK ALL this info NEEDS to get to my lawyer ASAP!!! (And I need a compitent one- no offense to Public defenders)


At least when she wrote to her ex about the trip she took to Vegas, neglecting to tell him she got married, or anythign about ME... she signed it "Love L"....
She's lied right there too... she's already talked bad about me. I used to hear it all the time.. "Your father's an A-hole" "Daddy's a loser"...to the point where HE WOULD REPEAT IT BACK TO ME!!!!


Ok so I bent a rule of the RO a little, BIG MISTAKE I think too. I thought...hmm I am on IM, she is on IM, I can't talk to her...but... I CAN change my status to a custom message....
So all day today my Status said "Going to watch airplanes tonight, I wish my son could be with me" Then I thought, oh crap, what if she shows up? that would be GREAT, but... it could lend me up in jail, so I changed it to "No airplanes for me tonight, not the same without him there". I don't know if I FUBAR'd that one or not. Or if she was really even there. SHE never liked going, but she came, to be with us, and she did get a kick out of his expressioins whent he planes went by...

For any and all naysayers....the bolded phrase above says it all.

"so I have decided to move on"

MEANS

I have ALREADY moved on but I'm hoping to fool you and the rest of the world that my affair started TODAY (or whenever you actually bust me) as indicated clearly in this lovely email I sent my soon to be ex-husband.

She certainly didn't want to give you any indication she was already in an affair but just in case you soon catch her she's got her trump card....being that she didn't do anything wrong up until she found comfort with Mr. Scumbag after being abused by her husband and kicking him out after he beat her up. The email also clearly lists all her rationalizations and justifications in nearly bullet fashion in case anyone questions her later.

Movin' on...my a$$. She's been moving on for likely months now. This is ALL a setup. Thinkin' would be wasting his and our time were his story untrue. Were internet support...there's not a thing we can do for him if HER story were indeed the case. Further...why would he share so much detail and subject himself to uncertainties and interpretation if he were attempting to pull one over on us. There are certainly easier ways to get sympathy here.

I just find her actions completely opposite of a truly betrayed spouse. Where's the BS fog??? None. She wants nothing to do with Thinkin'. She's screwed him to the wall and attempted to EXTORT a favorable custody agreement in exchange for dropping false allegations and she wants to deny him any visitation EVER with what is supposed to be HIS unborn baby. The supposed presumption of him cheating isn't enough (which it WOULD be if she actually believed it to be true)...instead she lists ALL the reasons they can't reconcile including history rewrites, no doubt.

Thus...please lay off Thinkingofmykids story. His wife IS cheating on him and he needs our support.

Mr. Wondering

Isn't this just dandy. Exactly how many BS's show up here with that attitude.

"yeah, my husband cheated on me though I don't know or care about with whom or when, just so you know...he also beat me up and constantly looks at porn. I had him arrested and removed from my home a few weeks ago because I was scared for my safety but I withdrew the charges. The restraining order remains in place until he agrees to a custody arrangement favorable to me..it's completely over...I love him but it's just not enough...but I hope we can be at least friends"???????

Typical WS

Mr. Wondering

If you can afford it, get a lawyer ASAP.

If you can't afford it, get in touch with someone who can - parents, friends, mentors, whatever - if you don't have these relationships, cultivate one. Go to a law school and talk with a professor - get him to take on your case as a class project... Whatever it takes.

Good God this woman takes manipulation to a whole new level! My blood boils just reading that email. And she KNOWS you can't respond. This stinks... big time!

When are you back in court again?

TOMK, I am shaking my head through all this as I read it. I see a lot of parallels in your story and mine.

I can't say it's unbelievable because I have lived it myself - it is very believable. it's disgusting. It's revolting. It's sad.

Mr. W is dead on here and you need some real legal counsel here. This newbie you have is going to cost you big time.

Just remember, you can always ask the court to have her pay your attorney's fees. Seeing as how she is manipulating the system that might happen for you. It's worth a shot.

Also, do go back as Mr. W suggested and read Eph's story as he also struggled through a lot of what you are going through.

I hope more than anything you are wrong. reading that gave me such an empty helpless feeling inside. God I hope you're wrong.

Last night after I found what i thoughtt o be a loophole inthe RO. I asked her in my status meeages "Do you have someone else?"

She replied with "No, I don't have the time for anyone else. Or the desire. But you have or had someone else. I know you did."

Then she signed off for the night.

This morning I had to go to my usual Tuesday morning meeting but today I had to be there @7 instead of 7:30. And as I'm even further away...I naturally had to get up sooner. I satyed logged in all night. I had an IM from her "So why are you up and online so early?" Another line...I forget word for word, but she basically accused me of talking to some woman online again. I wanted to reply... but the Status message can only be so long, and I just didn't have the energy. I changed my Status to "There has been only you since 03" and took a shower... logged out and left 10 minutes later.

Huge mistake doing this Status line thing.... now she's doing it. Just another way for her to try to get me to respond I guess. But in her defense... I started it.

Life sucks

Do NOT do this! Doesn't the RO state no communication?

Also, she is feeding off of this...I wouldn't give it to her. In fact if she wasn't giving you so much to use against her later in court, I would turn off the IM altogether.

I know you are dying to explain yourself to her but you are playing with fire. I think you know you are... be careful!

Also, have you spoke with your doctor about the antibiotic you took and if it could clear up clamydia? You might want to have information on that ready.

I am going mad not explaining anything, but I'm doing OK. When I feel I'm at my weakest and ready to give in and take my chances with the RO...I walk away from any PC and go see a client (during the day) or just go for a walk. Like I said I found this loophole and used it for maybe the last 12 hours. STUPIDLY. I won't do it again.

As for the Dr talk about the RX I was on and the chances of it clearing up the STD. yes I have talk to him and no, he says there is nothing in his paperwork that says the RX I was on can clear Chlamydia. Now I just need a copy of that...

So we are back to square one again, though she has no clue we are. I know I haven't cheated, she thinks I have. I have no STD, she does. My tests came back negative, she's on meds to clear hers (I think anyway... I haven't been home since the time we "found out"). She doesn't know I have solid proof I don't have an STD, so as such thinks she can continue to accuse me of betraying her and lieing to her.

Looking forward to presenting the MEDICAL proof to her...

Starting to get mad at a faceless OM too... if he does exist...

Now she's throwing up different status messages...
the latest. "i do miss you"

I have to wonder though, if there is an OM and they talk...wouldn't he be in her buddy list? Wouldn't he see these messages and wonder what's going on?

Maybe I shoudl pay better attention to them to see if they are "generic"! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

TOMK...

Do you know ANYONE that would be willing to "spy" on your wife? A neighbor...somebody from work...anyone??? That "I'm moving on" statement from her is more telling than anything...I know you don't like to hear that, but I believe with all of my heart that it IS the reality-There is an OM here...She is absolutely NOT responding like a BS would...She has taken the extreme offensive which is the signature trademark of a WS...

Mrs. W

FYI, this is part of what Mr. W and I are referring to:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

We don't know ouor neighbors... though I tried when we first moved in. We never really got to know anyone and she always made fun of them without there knowledge.

Co-workers... I work for a small "Mom & Pops" business...minus the pops. Including me, there are 3 employees and the owner. All women, none of which I would feel comfortable asking.

If there is an OM then it has to be someone she works with. Which is REALLY MESSED UP seeing how she runs the frikkin company. She's HR, business manager, and Payroll all in one. There are 2 owners, both really old, and one of them just married one of his employees... another whole sorted story there.....

But now that I think about it...she was alwasay "complaining" about this one guy.... always referenign to him as a "trust baby" This guy (kid from what she tells me) has a Hummer and a Toyota Land Rover, comes and goes as he pleases...blah blah blah... CONSTANTLY "Complaining" about this guy and his attitude. He started about .... maybe 6 months ago?

Obviously from money (as she thought I was with my pending motorcycle crash settlement). And... if I recall correctly, not a day went by without her b*tching about somethign he did or din't do....

What ther her way of talking about the OM right in front of me????????????????????????????????????????????????

She IM'd me this morning tell me he had school pictures today.... she just sent me 2 of them via IM. I'm glad to ahev them but at the same time it's frikkin KILLING ME!!!!

Is she trying to be nice in giving these to me? Or just showing me what I don't have anymore???

I wish my Lawyer would get back to me!.....

LIES!!!!! more LIES!@!!!!

She told me these pics were taken AT SCHOOL. Does she think I'm that stupid???? I know that background...it's our living room! WTF?!?!?!!?

Someone save me from this insanity!!!

And more lies.... the program I'm using to look at these photos tells when the picture was taken and the camera used...

these pics were taken last night at 7:13PM.

What are the chances her camera's date and time are off?

.....So she went and bought herself a new camera, cuz I have the one we always used with me. Unless the boyfreind was over taking shots... GGGGRRRRRR!

Apparently her work bought 4 new cameras...so she bought the same...from work...

Amazing how now that I'm not around she has money to toss around.

I NEED TO GET HOME!!!!

but.... damn her... she says depending on what we talk about when we talk... and how that goes. I can go home.

I'm thinking if she does have an OM... it was either a one night stand PHYSICALLY and a long term emotionally... and she could even possibly be regrettign it now?

Or... am I still being a fool!?

I will not be leveing this site when I get back home.... I am going to need all kinds of help to stay sane once back.

If I find out there was indeed an OM... I will need LOTS of reasons to stay. Especailly sftar having me arrested for no other reason then to regain her impending lost control over me.

Thinking,

Stop talking to her.

You need to leave your IM off. You really do.

What you're doing isn't helping. And it is only going to come back to bite you.

Talking to her isn't going to get you any closer to what you want. It will only get you farther away from it.

Now, you need to find someone you can trust...someone you can open up to. Why can't it be one of the women you work w/? You might be surprised at how helpful they could prove to be.

Otherwise, how about attending a church this Sunday, and talking to a pastor/priest about what you're going through?

Find someone who can help you figure out what is going on. It would be no big deal for someone to do a drive by your house, and let you know what cars are parked in the driveway.

Can you get a part time job to earn some money for a REAL attorney?

Please shut off your IM, you really need to pull back from her. Find/make a friend...who can help you out.

~ Marsh

I know... my own fault too. IM isn't going off, I will et her feed me anything she feels liek so I can have printouts of it. But I will not change my status anymore to communicate to her. I understand that if a judge were to hever see this, it would be considered a violation of my RO and I certainly do not want to go to jail.

The women here know of my situation. One is too busy tryign to run her company and 3 other ventures...although she did bail me out of jail the night I was arrested. But I can't use her anyway, the cops and my wife know her car now.

The other is having marrital problems of her own, and the last is ...well... a grandma and i can't see her on a stake out.

I haven't been to church in 20 years. But.... she has brought it up before since the birht of our son. So when/if I get home, I was going to mention it... I honestly don't see how telling a preaching my saga will help me though.

As for getting another job for a real attorney, I think by the time I actually get on that won't interfere with this job... my court date will be here. But yes... I've been actively looking.

TOMK, BEFORE you hit your "send" key again, scroll down and read about Calibabeus'WH. He's been sending emails to her which confused her since they did not match his actions. He used them in couurt against her saying he was working on the M and for custody kudos. read and watch yourself. Duct tape your fingers!!!!!

Thinking,

You have isolated yourself from almost everyone except your W. It isn't healthy to live like this. You need friends when things are going smoothly, but you need them even more when things aren't.

I suggested a church b/c it is a place where it is possible for you to make friends w/ decent people.

People who might be able to help you.

Perhaps there's a support group in your area for divorced men....I'm sure you could find someone there who would be willing to help you out.

Get looking.

Seek and you will find.

~ Marsh

And keep that IM off!

Let her e-mail you. It'll be less tempting for you. And will give her less of an idea what you're up to. Go dark on her. She sounds like the type that will go nutz not knowing what you are doing.

You don't see how getting spiritual guidance from a preacher (pastor/rabbi/priest) could help you?

HELLOOOO!

Don't 'just mention' going to church/temple/synogague (if you have any type of faith at all)- stop being PASSIVE and move your butt off that computer chair and go. START doing ACTIVE things that will make you a better husband, and stop wallowing in your own guilt and do something about it.

Do not wait to make changes on yourself based on if/when you get home. DO THEM NOW.

Oh, Wow, Marsh I hope you don't take offence, but this would be a serious mistake IMHO. Talking to someone of the opposite sex about your marital problems is exactly how thousands of A's started in the first place.

Dr. H himself, admonishes against doing this very same thing. It is usually a huge red flag in determining the cause of an A in the first place.

I would highly recommend aginst speaking to a person of the opposite sex about your M troubles.

Just a thought,

All Blessings,
Jery

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Tsk tsk you are a bad boy....shame on you for being so clever....but really....I think the plan bing of her via the r.o. is a good thing and you should stick with it I mean look at all the time she has tried to talk to you. Are you keeping a log? Are there any MB memebrs who are close that might be able to lend a hand? As far a surveilence? But don't knock those grandma's they are pretty fiesty in there old age. As far as the picture thing....look out man...she is baiting you for something.....she is a manipulitive, lying, evil, vindictive woman to me at this point and from all the things she has and is still doing I can tell you she is up to something. She is trying to punish you for being stronger and pulling away....she wants to see you hurt and alone with nothing. She wants to get you back for something....maybe because in her diluted world she really believes you cheated. Or she has memory loss (AKA denial) and doesn't want to own up to cheating. And by attacking you it vindicates her....you made her cheat....ok I am going all profiler here...I feel like I am in an episode of Law and order criminal intent or something. But distance yourself from contact with her if anyhting it will help you heal. And protect yourself and your parental rights...get that family lawyer.

You're absolutely correct, but Thinking said he only worked w/ three women...no men..I'm just trying to help him find someone who could help him by driving by his home to see what was going on.

I assumed he didn't feel comfortable asking these women to help him, b/c he was too embarrassed to tell any of them what was going on. That's why I used the words "open up to"..

But, you are right to make the point you did.

~ Marsh

BTW have you ever watched "diary of a mad black woman"
I watched it the other day and it is about a woman who was betrayed by her husband and thrown from her home and cut off entirely from her life and how she works through her issues with it all. I suggest you sit down and watch it....it brought to me a sense of understanding of my issues just seeing it outside of my situation (thinking out of the box) and let me ponder it better when I was going through my divorce. It helped me cope a little better. If anything it would kill some time AWAY from the computer. Give it a shot.

Ok so I'v edecided to go with my gut and first instinct. I blocked her from my IM, so she thinks I logged out... not 30 seconds later she signed off. She's only luring me to log into IM to see if I'm where she thinks I'm staying...if I'm online I'm not with anyone else, not doing anything else.... typical of her.

I'm done with IM until I can TALK to her.

...I've been baited yet again.

OK So she's blcked thru IM but I can see when she's on...
Her status message this morning is "Make the car payment". Can you believe this?!?!?!?!?

The car payment is about $80 less than my paycheck, and she wants me to make the payment... I have nothing, but according to her, that includes no bills and no rent, so I can afford it take over the car payments...remember from her email to me. So again, this is her way of keeping control over me. She knows if I make the car payments, I have no money left over. I'll have enough for gas until the next paycheck, maybe. But them living on one paycheck... what will that get me?????

Unreal... she just got that damn bonus too so she can afford to make the payments herself. The way I see it, she is the one who should be making them anyway... the car she's driving, which is basically the same car I have, I PAID FOR IN CASH.

The only thing I have going for me rigth now is the fact the her name is on that loan too, so she might just actually pay it to keep her credit in good standing.

She's sitting there with her berand new Garmin navigation device, cuz I took the TomTom SHE bought me for Xmas, bought a new camera cuz I took the one she bougth me for Xmas.... And sitting on all that money, and tells me to make the car payment.

At least she was nice enough to tell me yesterday she was paying the insurance on it...oh wait, that's right, she told me she HAD to seeing how it was on "her policy". WTF?!?!?!

She's blocked thru IM so she won't see me online anymore, I bet I get a nice long email on her rational as to why I need to pay for the car.....

Typical.

Ok so I get to work, low and behold the email I was expecting has already arrived. Just names edited as usual...

I love how this account has suddenly become "primarily" mine now.

I haven't updated my address because I don't have one!! I'm in limbo! What... am I supposed to call the insurance company and say oh hey... for up to the next 2 months I'm staying "wherever" and after that I think I have a good chance of going back home... Why bother until this is a "done deal"?!?!?!?!

Waoh woah woah!!! I was a SAHD for 18 months, I've been working for the last 7. SHE said, and we agreed tot he terms of me finding a jobs, was that as long as my check covered daycare for the boy and my child support, she would take care of the rest...as she's been doing ever since the boy was born. So what's changed now?? Oh, I'll tell you. Her Bonus. Now she can cover the daycare expenses herself and have extra money... no need for me anymore.

I like how she mentions her car needED fixing. I doubt she's had time to even go get that looked at yet. She HATES sitting in the dealership waiting area for an oil change, never mind a major repair. That light went off once, I called the dealership about it, they said it was nothing, a mileage thing. The car is programmed to have that light blink @ 50K miles as a reminder to have the tranny serviced. Which was schedule at the next oil change. Not to mention it's covered under the extended warranty I bought, (Did I say I bought?!?!? as in me, with my money...) So I see this as her ploy to say she's run through her $9K already. The crap about needing tires... BOTH cars were getting new tires this month, HER idea to get it done on both before the snow flies. She was also going to pay for my remote started to be installed in my car seeing how I paid to have one put in hers. As for the heroism of her saving me from the state taking more money from me for child support, again...crap. Teh State doesn't default in taking child support, you have to petition for it. She didn't becuase the way New Hampshire works, they make you fill out a financial affidavit, and if you get caught lying on it.... Anyway, after we both fill out the affidavit, they use a formula that say who gets how much...to make both parties income equal.. so had she filed the petition, she's be oweing me!!!

Actually, as I'm not allowed in my own home, I spent most of my last check on buying new toiletries, groceries, and I do have a few bills that I have been paying on my own that she knows about but apperently they escape her mind. Those total about $200 every pay cycle, so I'm left with about $450 every paycheck. She knows all this, I have to transfer my ENTIRE paycheck into the household account, then she lets me transfer back out or pay stright from that account so she knows what's going on. She's just pissed I have money now and thinks I'm going to "wine and dine whomever..." I guess she doesn't know or care about the financial burden of a Lawyer either...

I refuse to even attempt to pay for the car. Why? I already paid for one. The one she drives, it's owned outright. I tried to buy anotherone on my own with a loan. She embarrased the crap out of me by demainding I go back to the dealership and redo all the paperwork so her name was on this loan too. And I must say, I was VERY embarrased. The salesman and the sale manager even commented abotu how whipped I must be. By her own admission, it's a good thing her name is on it now, otherwise I'd be royally screwed. Bottom line however, if I lose this car, she loses the one she's driving now. As I paid for it, but was a nice hubby and included her name on the titale.. I believe what's good for the goose, is good for tha gander. I lose mine, I take hers.

Living the good life?!?!?!?! THIS IS THE GOOD LIFE????????
wow..

Wow is right....

No I do not believe you.

and you should really leave these folk alone.

lets quote you ....once again.

my EX wife did the same thing to me.............accused me of cheating and stating that she hated cheaters all the time. She always threatened to leave me instantly if I cheated on her. I had numerous opportunities to have an affair and never did. Well, she was the one who actually HAD more than one affair.

But did not you cheat...and fib


Happy to answer any questions or ellaborate more if it helps me figure all this out...( that's shine I believe)

I cheated in my 1st Marriage, I was just and stupid. I regretted it as it happened, hated myself for it, came clean to my then wife, we worked through it but it ultimately ended our marriage. Not by her though. I was too discussed with myslef and thought she deserved better. had I not been the one to file paperwork, we may very well still be married and celebrating 13 years next spring.


I simply do not get how people can be so blind-unless they are blinded.

T-get the support you need-stop trying to swallow you're own ******, before you choke...

and someone like ma says told ya so.

Max

TMOK

Ignore her email - she placed the RO - so dont interact.

As for the car pmt - call the lender and get a 30-60 day extension due to a family emergency.

Insureance - not sure why it would be separated - you are apart of the same household still. She is a moron - property would still be in both names.

Dont have more advice but you need to get real legal representation - this is not looking good. There has only been one story told to the officials.

Find out from your atty what was said to the investigator. Find out if she is going to lie in court that you physically abused her. I have a feeling that you are going to lose your home, car, family with very limited access to your child if you dont get a plan going.

Madmax, are you on crack???

TOMK... you shouldn't have to neglect your relationship with your children from your prior marriage to make your current wife happy. I was thinking about that today and it really saddens me, think of how your children, your flesh and blood, must feel about that?? I hope one of your goals is to fix your very important relationship with them.

MM is just an angry "woman" that would do better off in a relationship with a woman. she has been asked to leave TOMK alone...but her anger towards men cannot be controlled.

Thinking,

If you haven't done this yet, get your mail held at the PO, so she won't have access to it anymore.

~ Marsh

TOMK,

JMO -- I think you are focusing on the wrong things here. Mr. W already told you you need to get proactive. You need to protect your son and your finances before you worry about whether or not you want to save your M.

The criminal charges are completely separate from the custody and support things. She's trying to act like you're already D'd, cleaning out the accounts and trying to split insurance and bills and assets without the benefit of any judge ruling on any of it. But she doesn't have the power or legal authority to do any of that UNLESS YOU KEEP LETTING HER.

I think your best course of action right now is to get an emergency custody and support petition in front of the family court (whole different court system than the one dealing with your criminal charges and RO). Ask to be the one in the house, with full custody of your child. You were a SAHD, you were the primary caregiver, you make less money -- she should be supporting you, making the payments, etc.

If you can't afford a lawyer (although I think there are creative ways that you probably could find someone to help), then see if there are document services in your area who will prepare documents for you. Or just look up the laws and file yourself. You spend enough time online, you know your way around -- start doing the research and get to work. Get your son and finances protected, and then worry later about whether or not you want to save the M.


You've got to realize that the RO and criminal charges are a totally separate issue. Your public defender is not going to do you one tiny bit of good regarding custody or getting back in the house. The one thing you can do is make sure that your custody petition alleges that her abuse allegations were false and were designed simply to get you out of the house, that SHE is the one who hit YOU, and that she's making up affair allegations to cover up her own affair. Provide copies of the e-mails and your medical records to back you up. Then send a copy of all of that to your criminal attorney and the DA.


You can't just sit around and wait, and you most definitely can't expect your public defender to be even the slightest bit useful for these things. Start taking some action that's going to be useful, instead of reading her e-mails and online status.

That's just my opinion.

-AmI.

agreee 100% with Amiok!

Hate to say we told you so.....don't cha think your putting a little too much energy into thinking what she is up to....and doing....you need to stay ahead of the game. She is getting away with far too much and will walk away with the game ball if you don't get a move on man.

Ditto....I second that.....anyone else?

No time today... been busy with work stuff, But I'm taking my paycheck and finding a real attorney this week.

I have steps 1-5 ready, Now I need to concentrate on steps a-e The Before stuff... like (duh) taking care of these bogus criminal charges.

Thanks everyone. I guess I was starting to wallow.... bad move.

Awesome! Do everything the others pointed out. Having an attorney you are paying for is a great deal better than one assigned to you!

So happy you are going to get proactive!

(and thrilled you are off the IM with her)

Hard trying to find a lawyer at night though. Nothing from her today but the email insisting I pay for this car (too).

I bet it kills her not seeing me online and she starts wondering...

who I am with (alone)
what I am doing (reasearching for my protection and my son's)
where I am doing it (now in the inlaw apartment above my parents garage THANK GOD!!! HEAT and a real BED!!!) - I thanked my sister profusly for the time I was there and (without me knowing) talking to my parents to allow me to stay here. $200/month for rent. But it beats the streets!
what's being said (nothing, I'm alone)
when she'll see me back online so she knows "I'm controlable" (she won't until the criminal charges are GONE!)

Now... To just go through all my newly bookmarked favorites on NH Law and the others I got from here... LOTS of reading to get done. Might go grab a coffee and settle in for a bit.

I would once again liek to thank all of you who have helped me try to stay on track and focus on what I really need to right now.

And to madmax... go away. you still clearly have your own agenda. (Is is possible to block any posts by Max?)

Click on her name, and scroll down till you see where it says,"Ignore this poster."

Congrats on finding a decent place to stay.

Now get busy!

~ Marsh

Tomk,

I do language analysis.


I have some concerns about her messages.

The biggest thing I would question her on right now is the statement:

"I have decided to move on."


This really does mean she already has. That decision was already made before she did any of this - before the fight, before the cops, before it all.

She already decided.

Only the other parts of her messages indicate regret.

She balks constantly. She interjects windows into her thoughts throughout her messages to you - she states she intends to retract the restraining order, and that it has been her full intent to do so. She indicates in several places musings about "getting back together", and tries to retract it by a caveat that "well, that can't happen" - however, this isn't really true.

I think she realizes she is in deep on the lie that got you kicked out, and what you are getting in emails is a goldmine from her for court. She is handing you your case for the judge. Print everything and save it, because I think it is her full intention for this to happen. It would be very unusual for someone to put this much information in writing that would bolster your case if their intent was to bring you down. So I submit that her intent is not to do that.

Regarding the STD - send her the information today. You need to take the wind out of her sails on that argument, because the sooner she is reduced on that front, the better for you. Holding back the information does you no good. It might make you feel like you are in some position of strength, but you actually are in a position of weakness as long as she frets and worries on this. Because you are withholding information that you could offer up, you will be seen as not being truthful with her. If you two were together, you would tell her right away - so do that. It makes you seem more open - so offer it with gentleness and love, and show her the olive branch!

This would go a long way to make trust stronger - why hold back? Send it through somrone to her.

SB... I thought he couldn't send her the information, there was a RO right?

SB I thought it was a good idea not to tip his hand about the STD as to prevent the WS from coming up with a rehearsed rebuttal to the evidence while everyone is watching her in the courtroom.

I know this sounds callous TOMK but I did have some advice for you, once your done reading and all that good stuff I have two words, Supplemental Income

You have 16 hours a day available since you dont have access to your son, a part time job is in order.

It doesnt even have to be IT related, delivering pizzas or even a McJob.

Yes its going to suck, but me and many others have done it just to get out of debt, you would be doing it to fight for your family which is far nobler a reason.

Also does your area have "legal aid"?

Do you have anything you don't need that you can sell on craigslist or ebay?

if you use yahoo i am on as bobbym77

Sb, while your writing/previewing a reply. I wanted to state that I was asking you respectfully to explain why you think he should tell her.

If she was the one that cheated, the information isn't going to do her any good, she knows how she got it.

If she wasn't the one that cheated, then he should tell her. ( ONCE THE RO IS NO LONGER IN EFFECT, Thanks MEDC )


Thats all I was asking, maybe you have thought of something i havent.

Thanks

*** Edited to add ***
Is she going to take that olive branch and poke him in the eye?

do NOT send the information. You will violate your order...do not do that.

If you want to recover your marriage, why worry about a rebuttal to the results? They are what they are. Your lawyer can work on any rebuttal anyway, and already should be doing that.

You can send things to her through others, or through your attorney.

She believes you had an affair. You need to put that to rest with her. The sooner you can do that, the better. Unlikely to be a "Matlock moment" in court. Chances are, if a divorce happens, this would have been covered LONG before, in mediation or settlement meetings anyway.

When she writes things to you, she is coming from the point of view that you slept with someone behind her back. She also indicates that she has searched through your stuff, and feels that she has found some supporting evidence (the "smut" is one piece of evidence referred to that she feels supports her case of infidelity - regardless of its weight as evidence, she thinks it leads there!).

This is a woman we need to understand possibly believes she is a betrayed spouse. Whether she cheated or not is actually under the "possible" status as well. Chlamydia can remain dormant for years in a woman, so this STD could have been in her system for quite awhile, and become active with the preganancy.

Both TOWK and his wife need to become much more informed on this topic, and perhaps arrange a joint meeting with the doctor to talk about the possibilities in this regard. It might not be a bad idea to approach the judge with the results of this test, and ask the judge for permission to have the RO adjusted for such a meeting in the interests of this marriage and perhaps so the judge can see what has been going on behind the scenes of this case. A good attorney might be able to get something set up in the courthouse with a judge and a doctor and the wife and husband. It might go a long way toward saving this relationship.

Why not talk to your attorney about this? At least try to get the message to her about chlamydia, how it can be dormant for years, how your test is clean. It is completely possible that NEITHER of you have cheated.

Now wouldn't that be a crappaganza, if neither of you cheated, and all of this was

for nothing?

SB

Not giving her the info about my results.... I gave her info that showed her it's was possible that a woan can carry the disease dormant, a man cannot. She knows she can carry it dormant now. Her Dr's told her (according to her) that there is no way she was dormant. She also knows now (thanks to ...MEDC I believe? for pushing the dormant theory and my research i gave to her) That's it's impossible for a man to carry it dormant. Do the math, I'm negative now, no treatments... so never had it.

She had it. i gave her the out that she could be dormant, she refused that idea, and admitted she got it recently.... the other side of my equal sign says ...no SCREAMS..OM.

Hasn't she already?

and... guess who just called and didn't leave a message... seems me not being on IM today got to her? (poke...oh my eye)

TOMK

A few days ago you posted, and I quote

"I have hundreds of thousands of dollars sitting in the bank."

Was this a typo or what am I missing?

I guess I don't get it then.

You don't want to tell her because.....

it bolsters a divorce case?


So what is the point of trying to marriage-build?


Just because she dismissed your suggestion that the STD could be dormant, does not mean that hers wasn't. It might just mean she dismissed what you had to say out of distrust for what YOU had to say.

Not saying that there isn't another man - that's also possible. Besides the STD, what evidence do you have of an affair?

SB

Document the attempted call too.

All of constant IMs, then emails and the calls...It would show that if she is so afraid of you that she needed an RO, why on earth would she continuously be contacting you? Did I understand that she may have actually gone out to see the planes that night? That was a little unclear to me. If she did, that would show she has no real fear. It could also indicate that she was trying to bait you so you would get into trouble. It also indicate that she is harassing you...knowing that you can't respond. In any event, she looks pretty bad to any reasonable person.

NH RO prohibits me communicationg to her in any way... through anyone.

I have given her ZERO reason to believe that...she put all these "circunstancial evidence" in her own head.

100% agree with you there.... got any spare change you could lend me so i can afford a real attorney?

I have talked to my attorney about this very simple fact till I am blue inthe face... all i get is "Well i can try to see what I can do, maybe send and email to the DA? or ...maybe... maybe I should call them..."

I gave my wife that theory too. I know I did not cheat, I have Medical proof of that as well. I would really enjoy knowing that she didint' and would be perfectly content knowing it's been dormant for years...befor ei even knew her. Her words though say...she has been tested annually and always clean...

I wish nothing more than for that baby to be mine, her hormones in a rage and doing this because of that alone, and this STD that came into OUR life NOW, was from some guy before she knew me... My marriage could go on from there. And it's very concievable it is just this way... but my fine upstanding woman of a wife would NEVER get an STD from someone.... never. And she'll deny it forever and a day just to save face with whomever she thinks she needs to... and let this marriage fall apart because of it.

The test results go nowhere until my Lawyer says otherwise, or until She and I are in front of a judge.

really? Typo I guess...sorry... should have read HAD hundreds of thousands... but if you read it all the way through it says "now it's gone" or something like that?... No that it's gone... she tossed me too. that was my point.

I suppose living less than 10 minyes form the office but leaving at 4AM and coming back home at 6-6:30 EVERY DAY wouldn't lead itself to be suspicious activity?

Or how about the fact that daycare is literally 3 buildings from her office, 15 miles out of my way, yet i'm the one dropping off and picking up? EVERY DAY...

Not to mention the emotional abuse, name calling (to my face AND to my son's face)....

I would guess she has not been STD tested annually. That sounds like a lie.

People say things like this to try to draw others out on lies. "I'm tested annually, so I know *I* am clean!" is something that would be a lie, thrown down in anger to try to get you to respond and justify.

STD testing is not usually "routine" in annual GYN checkups for married women, we have to ask - special - for it. And pay for it, too, extra. So, unless she is fastidious in asking every single year for an STD exam, and has reported back to you "All clear honey, you sweetie you, I know you haven't cheated all year!", then I doubt she's been tested every year. Folks tend to joke about that kind of thing, you know?

Push your lawyer to set up the meeting - if you want to save your marriage, it might go a long way toward that. You never know. It could be worth a shot.

SB

Sorry for quoting everyone tonight, i just want to be clear on what I'm replying to.

Every phone call is not only recorded from the account activity my boss has graciously told me she would supply, but I have also been taking pictures of my phone with the call details. Printing every email and every IM.

Yes... she did go (again according to her IM..no proof that she really went) to go watch airplanes with my son. She knows what it means for me to take him there. I have gone even before he was around. I have a fascination watching planes taxi, land, and take off... I'm very happy my son gets so excited about it too.

So telling me she took him, to not disappoint him, could have been to bait me. Or maybe she was being sincere... she does love him too. But... she used to hate going with us, she went, but she would comment about how stupid it was just to sit there...

SB,
I know it doens't make snese for a married woman to get tested every year... and no she has never said "all clean darling, thank you ..i trust you now"

BUT... if she really is gettign tested every year...what does that say? I count only 2 things... either she doesn't trust me...or she's scared to death all her extramarital fooling around has given her baggage!

Am I wrong? Why else would ANYONE who is supposed to be in a committed, trusting relationship be tested annually for STDs?

Perhaps..when i have time away from planning my protectiona dn my son's... I will look into the possibility of this STD being dormant thru the first pregnancy...

Enlisted the help of a young freind... I have no where else to turn so I asked my co-worker, he's 17 if he wouldn't mind checking outthe house for me. he's been there once to pick up some computer stuff, she wasn't home so she doesn't know him or his car.

He's agreed to help me out. Help be headed up... well let's not say right now what he's doing, just that he won't be talking to her so I am not violating my RO...

He knows her car too and the layout of my driveway... he's got a new night vision camera he wants to try out too.

Thanks Mike!

Here is what I see so far...just what "I" see, so I could be wrong. You guys have had a long history of some pretty strong verbal assaults at each other. her calling you names in front of your son, you getting mad as well. There was a time there was a large sum of money, then it gradually was spent. She had some trust or control issues (possibly with reason, possibly not) so she demanded joint names on everything...aggressively. She makes a good living but the big cash is gone. Usually not fun for most people.

She starts to feel like she is carrying the full load of the home financially and a lot of the work at home. (I know you help too). She works rather ridiculous hours but it could be that she is trying to maintain a life style from spending the big cash. She doesn't pick up the child because she probably leaves before daycare opens and comes home after it closes, so she asks you to do it.

"IF" she is feeling all of this load (and it would be greatly self-imposed), and she doesn't feel appreciation for it, it could be building up. You make it very clear that your feelings for the baby are greater than your feelings for her so this would add greatly to resentment.

Then she finds herself PG again. SB is correct, those STD tests are not very routine so she most likely has never been tested for them previously. Now that clamydia is more previlent, some doctors are now asking to test. So MAYBE she has had it all along, never knew because she was never tested (her doctors records will give you the answer on this) and she has just completely lost it. Maybe she doesn't understand that she could have had it for a long time undedected or maybe she honestly feels you gave it to her so you must have cheated. I absolutely do not believe what she says her doctor said about it.

her already aggressive angry outburts could have gone into overdrive and she didn't know how to handle you leaving so she just impulsively called the police that night. Now she is in a mess. Still angry, buggin you, baiting you possibly to get you into real trouble or possibly because that is how she deals with you.

OR, she has had an affair, was worried about the STD possibility, got tested and freaked out and set about this plan to cover her tracks. She sounds so impulsive though...it doesn't feel like a well thought out plan from the IMs she has sent. She must know that you can save all of that information for court.

So she is home with a baby that really misses his daddy and her evenings are probably rather difficult.

I do not believe that your are a physically abusive man ( I HOPE I am correct on that one). I also don't think you have enough evidence to prove an affair. It is VERY possible, but I don't think you can throw in the towel on it yet.

It seems like you both need to learn to address situations with more maturity and communication that does not escalate into huge fights and name calling.

I am SO glad that you are getting a lawyer...you desperately need one. This is spinning out of control so fast and she is pulling all the strings.

I don't know, just some thoughts of mine...

Fantastic!

~ Marsh

sickofthis,

I realy truly hope this was all hormonal on her end.

I want to believe she didn't cheat. But she always tells me how easy it would be for her. She adimant about annual testing. And CONSTANTY accusing me of cheating. (to me that's guilt and steered into another direction....at me).

And yes... I love my son more than her. But that's her own doing. I could love her undontitionally again, but it would take a lot to get there.

I just don't understand why she holds my past against me so much. I mean...didn't we all do things with other people before we did them with our current spouses? What's the rational in hating me for that? I really think all her anger at me stems from a girlfreind I had in Florida before I even knew who she was.

And the more I think of it, that old girlfreind is probably the ONLY reason why she pressured me to take her with me to Vegas when I went on that business trip... cuz the old GF and I went there and she has seens some of the pictures of that trip....

Sigh... She dosn't want me but doesn't want anyone else to have me. Heaven forbid I'm ever happy again......

Am I on crack?...BELLY LAUGH coz I was quoting the big T himself=start from the beginning of this thread.

Ahh ignore that, carry on your merry way. Ignorance must be bliss. Like a dormant STD right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Plus; it is quite entertaining...more than you know

And Mk.lets get this straight so boundaries are drawn, I will not be intimidated by anyone including yourself.

T –again I will say-get the support you need. If you choose not to, that is your choice. In the big scheme of things—it is you that has to live with it. Not me.

Max

GGRRRRR.... her status message this morning is "Proud of yourself?"

For what I want to ask....... ugh!!!

Still knows how to push the buttons!!!

MM...I don't expect you to be intimidated...(edited by MEDC to save Justuss the trouble) in training rarely care what anyone says.

okay, now back to your pipe.

Don't bother asking...I'm sure you'll be getting an e-mail explaining what she meant.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Ignore it....e-mails and IM status.

~ Marsh

Can you remove her from your IM so you don't see these status messages?

I can remove her from my buddy list... I did in the begining, but readded her so she could give me more "proff" that she isn't afraid of me...

Here's what I think she meant in her status message this morning...

Talk about COMPLETE EMPTY feeling inside after I got this....

Just another piece of evidence she already has someone else huh?

I feel so dead inside. Wish my frikkin lawyer would call me back!!! Untill I get the chance to call a new one anyway....

Don't sign off on her 401K. If you live in a community property state you are entitled to half of that in a divorce. She's jumping the gun on a lot of things. I hate to tell you this but it seems she's itching to get rid of you and make you look as bad as possible. Prepare yourself for the possibility things will get worse before they get better.

Keep ignoring the bait and stay the course, it's the best chance you've got at seeing your son in the near future.

She's pissed that you shut down your IM.



Have you looked into what AMIOK suggested?

You need to get moving...and not sit around waiting.

Your criminal A is not going to help you safeguard your financal sitch or the custody of your son.

Go back and read her post.

~ Marsh

Hey there TOMK how ya holdin up....my suggestion for now....turn IM off....unless your doing real "work" turn the computer off completely....when was the last time you worked out? I became addicted to working out when i went through my divorce...it gave me a stress outlet and honestly I felt better....(not only did I loose the extra weight of my husband I lost over 100 lbs). To this day I feel better and I realize how depressed I was and how a little umph to get me off the couch/computer chair and I did great things. I suggest if you can't go out for a jog...at least go for a walk...fresh air...sunshine...don't stay cooped up.

The part time job suggestion was spot on. My husband worked two jobs (military and a part time pizza delivery). It was a major help. This may be how you cold come up with extra funds for an attorney.

Go to the phone book and look up Legal Aid. If you don't have the money for an attorney they will help you. If you don't have legal aid, look in the phone book for your local bar association. Call THEM and they may be able to hook you up with someone. If they can't do it, then look up your state bar association. They may be able to help you. But do something! Step away from the computer and start actively fighting for your marriage.

tomk,
Sorry I've not had the time to post more to you on this thread, but I am still sitting here scratching my head over how to make sence of all of this.

You have statted in the past that you have monitored your W's activity since you were M'd(bc of a letter she sent her old Bf).

She, it now seems, has been getting and STD test yearly(which is rare for a M'd women alledgedly living in a monogomous R) for the last several years.

I must ask, how do the two of you so mistrust the other, when a M foundation is built on TRUST? What was the foundation that the 2 of you built this M on?

The revaltion that your W has had STD testing yearly(which is extremely rare, and very telling of it's own nature) should clearly point out to you the nature of her Dr's opinion that this is not a dormant STD, but rather, a recent one. Her own medical record would indicate such.

So if you are clean, how on earth can she reconsile that DX? The answer would seem pretty plain and simple for me, it is a RECENT infection, and does not indicte YOU!

I highly recommend DNA testing on her PG child. OTOH, I know you cannot force this, but there will come a day when it will have to be done.

It is totally consistent with your W's predetermined plan to put all of the blame on this fission in this M, on YOU!

Rest assured, this has been her plan since day 1!

I will pray for your peace in all of this, and hope the truth will eventually be revealed so that you may reunite with you son.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Ready for this......

She called me at 2:00 today. Non-chelont, just like any other day. "Hi, I need you to call me back, the car is int he shop and I can't get the baby seat out of the back. None of the guys here know how it comes out, call me back ok? thanks"

WTF?!?!?!?

Sooooooooooo

I called my court appointed Attornet again and told her all about that. Get this... YOU ALL were RIGHT!!

She wants me to consider a plea bargain. I said NO WAY. I did NOTHING wrong. Then she says I shoudl consider anger management, it goes a long way with the prosectution. I said why? Why do I need that when i was leaving quietly. She admittedly called the cops for no reason. My lawyer says Oh yeah, BTW, I got the report back from the invesigator. Your wife says she hit you first, across the face, then you stood up and got in her face then hit her.

Funny.... the police whenthey arrested me never said anything about that to me when I told them she hit me.. they said she said she never touched me.

There one story change...no TWO!! In front of the judge last week she asked for the charges to be dropped (So she wouldn't get caught in a lie).

I told my lawyer, my story has never changed, hers does. My lawyer then says "Maybe I should try to get you bail conditions changed... would that be ok with you?"

WHAT THE HECK!!!! ... I politely asked this stupid hole "Isn't that what we agreed on last week when I called you?" I am soooooo shopping for a real lawyer!!!! (didn't get anywhere last ngiht and work today didn't allow me the time).

So now I'm wondering who's car my son's babyseat is going into, there was a male voice inthe backgraound laughing, and she was tryign not to laugh on some of the words spoken.. I wish i could record it onto an MP3 and post it!!

My buddy Mike is going to the house tonight to get the description of the apparent new car inthe driveway for me.

I can't help but to think this is a ploy to get my car away from me. Her car is paid for as we all know by now. And now in the shop? It's brand new! not even 40K miles on it.... so she's without... hey my car has her name on it too... I'm willing to lay odds I get pulled over real soon for grand theft auto. (Wouldn't be the first time she tried to have me arrested for "stealing" my own car).

Lawyer wannabe tells me even if she can get me a hearign to have my bail conditions changed, we're looking at least a 4 week wait for that... BULL... lawyers are like politicains, everyone one owes someone a favor. I need to find the right one so he can say ..look, this woman has changed her story every time she tells it, the kid is histerical looking for his father, the guy just wants to go home.... She emails, IMs, and calls him every day since his arrest. She aint afraid of this guy. Let's make this criminal case jsut go away and let this poor SOB get on with his life....

PS... I joined a gym that's less than half a mile from my office. Every nite after work since I joined, I'm there.

No clue why I felt the urge to join, the wife has been after me to join for years. Actually did once, buit it only lasted 2 weeks...

I can just imagine what her comments will be now that I joined on my own..

How will she know?

WHEN I get to go home... I'm not going to stop trying to be my own man just cuz I get to go home (sooner then later).

TOMK...I realize that you are very frustrated...understandable...But please tell me that you didn't really mean to refer to that female attorney as a "stupid hole"...Tell me you left off an "a" or something...Really, that is a VERY offensive way to refer to a woman, and I am not even close to being a feminist or even easily offended for that matter...

Just thought you should know...

Mrs. W