Yes, I could do that. Remember, i came from not having to worry about $$, to wife controlling it all, to BAM..on my own. I have 1 bill a month, my credit card. everything else was managed by my wife, she insisted. Now I see it was her way of getting me to trust er with my $$ and swindle it away.

MEDC, i understand it was her responsibility. I just thought, the kids need food, I'm here to do something with them, they like food shopping...lets go do it. now I see I should have done something else with them and let my ex take care of her household. I take care of enough with my child support order. This is not a regular thing I do...
Just another slip-up for the weekend.

Mrs W,
Yeah... I shoudl be able to save $200 anyway. Lunches are int he fridge care of my sister, car is full of gas and shoudl last about 7-10 days, so $50 for gas until next check. IF I ahve to, I can put the attorney retainer on my credit card.

...I guess my wife did a good job of making me dependant on her.

edit: AFTER she manipulated me to take control of my money. Which I tried to consider "our money" as a good hubby would!!

Now I remember why I decided to rent the bike, even though I knew I needed the $$ for a lawyer and other things. I forgot.... TomTom Corp is buying two domain names from me. I should be getting that $$ this week. That's why I rationalized I could do this.

I understand it was still an immature decision, but... OK I'm done trying to make excuses. I've learned from this mistake too.

News over the weekend about a possible OM are showing that either there isn't one, or he was busy / not arround the 4 times "freinds" did drive bys. So that's a good feeling. Hopefully she is missing me. Only the one email all weekend from her asking me to sign off on her 401k plan. Nothing yet today. Maybe she's inpressed with my willpower not to repsond to her... who knows.

I hope she is healthy and the baby is OK. I hope my son is OK too. I really want to go home. The lawyer I spoke to last night and am meeting tomorrow says "it's good your date is a few months out, that gives us time". Time for what? I don't want time, time is actaully my enemy right now isn't it? I need to get home NOW.

TOMKs, you very much remind me of my brother and that is why I keep giving you the benefit of the doubt even when a few people here have doubted your story. My brother is on his 3rd marriage. 2 kids from the first, none from the second, step-son in this third one. He is your age. He appeared to choose his 2nd wife over his children and then later had deep regret about that. Within weeks of 2nd wife leaving him, he was involved with another woman! Many times he has handled money very very poorly. In fact, when I read you had rented a motorcycle this weekend, I thought 'hmmmm....sounds JUST like something SW's brother would do.' He was getting a big settlement from an accident he was in, so he quit his job. By the time the money arrived all he could do was pay off the debt he had accumlated.

In spite of all THAT negative comparison, I keep remembering that my brother is also a very honest man with a good heart, good intentions, who always beats himself up over his mistakes many times more than anyone else does. I hope the true is the same for you and that you listen to the very blunt adivice you get here and try to improve your impulse control.

I hope the appt. goes well with your lawyer.

First off who said his wife was being responsible and securing the 401 K for her children....the woman has been anything but responsible by what she has done to TOMK. A responsible woman wouldn't cheat on her husband, possibly be pregnant with another mans child, get an STD (which she blames on her faithful husband who is clean from infection), Then lie to the police and have her husband thrown from his home and barred from his son (which is traumatizing the child), Then taunt TOMK by calling, texting, and emailing into responding to her and violating the RO which could get him into more trouble. Yeah thats a real responsible woman. Sounds like a cold hearted....ok i will stop there. Shoot she could take the money and use it on OM...which I wouldn't doubt. Not HER baby.

Second of all there is a good possibility the baby isn't TOMK's. Yes he needs a lawyer bad...but I can see the need for something to get him out and away from the stress of his surroundings.

Personally, I really dont think $300 for a bike rental in the big scheme of things is that big of a deal. I doubt I would have done that, but everyone is different, and maybe the get away helped TOMK mentally and emotionally.........at least for a few days.

TOMK... I hope you see that people here care about what is happening with you and they don't want to see you go down a bad road.

I personally don't see a big deal about doing something to help your EXW out. She has the burden of care for the children. It must have been a Godsend to not have to grocery shop and be able to rest for a while. If there truly is no love interest there... it just doesn't seem to me like it's such a bad thing. You got to spend precious time with your children that you don't get enough of these days. Maybe the others are right and it would have been better for you to do something else with them instead... Maybe I'm too big a softy!!!

I personally find it very sad that your current wife has caused your R with your children to come to what it is. You need to really think hard about if this is the kind of woman you want to be married to for much longer. The thing that sucks is you will lose valuable time with your little guy.

The problem is that that is exactly how a "love interest" develops...He fills her lovebank and she in turn wants to fill his...MEDC pointed that out earlier...Not only that, we KNOW that there once was a flame that burned high between TOMK and his XW...Dr. Harley very clearly explains that there will ALWAYS be a low burning flame between former lovers and it doesn't take much to reignite it...Contact between TOMK and his XW MUST always be VERY limited and that contact ONLY deals with things regarding the children...Really he and she should use Plan B type conditions...Use an online calendar to coordinate things for the children...

Mrs. W

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;gonew=1#UNREAD

TOMK, have you seen this thread? I wonder if it's possible she got a false positive? It's a shot in the dark... but still, anything is possible.

THAT would be GREAT!! That would mean no OM... but I can't ask her, and I can't give her the proof I didn't cheat either. So... she gets to stew about the thought of me cheating, and being with whomever that is while not in her "control" which I'm sure makes her even madder. Which then causes these things like "you need to pay for the car, You need to sign off on my 401K" and such...

Got an email today that was one line. "I paid the car payment since you refused to do so. I hope you are real proud of what you have become. Enjoy, L"

thought I can't tell her I got an extention on the loan or that I'm clean form STDs and NOT seeing anyone.. I am proud of who I've become. I'm someone who is learnig to stand up for himself, and realizing just how much I loved her even though I stopped showing her.

hopefully I'll get the chance again soon.

Clearer headed TOMK

Lawyer # 2 just called, dind't get to the phone on time so it went to voicemail, I called him right back... apparently the number he left is not the number he's at. Left a message for him. hopefully after the initial consult with Lawyer #1, I can schedule myself for #2 right after.

She's up to her old tricks again tonight too. I have some sort of "pending requst" in my MSN messenger from her. I think it's just for my profile, but I don't have one so nothing to approve (or deny) I simply ignored it, it can stay as "pending" as long as I'm out of the house.

TOMK:

First:

Maybe you shouldn't have rode, You should have saved the money. That's bad decison making, and that's something that been going on FOR YEARS with you. Work on that.

Second:

Buying groceries for your ex-wife and kids. What a heartless group this has become. HE married to a woman who has had him arrested, doesn't allow him to see his kid with her, and disrupted his R with his other children, accused him of having an STD AND may be pregnant with another mans child.
So, he goes to see his kids, Ex-W is feeling well, and he spends the day with his kids, and buys groceries for his family. TOMK, after getting kicked on all sides IRL, has a really GOOD day for him. And he gets accussed of building love bank points for his Ex-wife, and that he should be in a Plan B with her.

Sheesh. How heartless is THAT.

Someone actually appreciated TOMK for a couple of hours. He was trying to be a nice guy.

And you tell him to stop and that it was wrong.

I'm sorry folks. It seems to me if it was raining and someone was standing on the side of the road, needing a tire to get changed, you wouldn't just pass by, you would swerve to splash water on them.

Is he building LB units with his ExW? Yes. Should he be careful with her? Yes. Can he be nice to her? Yes. He has kids with her! He should be involved with her. TOMK is easily manipulated. His current W has been doing it throughout his entire R.

You choose to be the person that you want to be. Buying groceries for someone he was married to for 10+ years and has two children with felt like to him, the "right thing to do" in that sitch. Does that mean he will be in bed with her next week? I don't think so. And if he does, than it's that bad decision making thing again.

Third:

The 401(k) form isn't about the kids. It's about the W. Don't sing it until the D is final. Because, by signing it, you could be relinquishing a claim to your share of her 401(k) in the D. It would not surprise me that she is doing THAT. So, until you have a lawyer, representing you, DO NOT sign anything.

Forth:

Time to call the DA that is prosecuting your case to deliver all the info that W is sending you to MAKE YOU break the RO. Maybe it is time for YOU to file a RO against HER.


LG

LG, you are way off on this. His wife has always had an issue with the ex wife ... and his running errands for her is not okay.
Characterizing the people that have a problem with this as heartless is ridiculous. No one said Plan B with her...you are exagerating for effect. You seem to do that often.

"Is he building LB units with his ExW? Yes."

The discussion should begin and end with your thoughts above...he is doing this...and he shouldn't be. Period...end of story.

lousy golfer, I agree with you about the grocery shopping. Although there are numerous red flags in TOMK's situation, I am comfortable with commenting on the grocery shopping issue.

It was previously stated that his children's mom has ongoing health issues and she was unable to accomplish the grocery shopping at that time. Imho, doing the grocery shopping was a father helping a mother provide for their children -- but since he pays child support regularly and on time, I think that he should have gotten the grocery money from their mother prior to doing the shopping and then followed her list.

I laughed at the mental pic of driving by someone and splashing water on them (it has happened to me as a matter of fact LOL), but I think the posters who would do that to their ex (or vicariously through someone else's ex) wouldn't do it to anyone else.

TOMK, if I were you, I would print out this thread in its entirety and give it to two people--your atty and your IC (get one of each <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ). I think that would be your best bet of getting the support and representation that will best serve your son's needs now and in the future.

He asked her if there was anything she needed...she said no...yet, TOMK took it upon himself to go grocery shopping for his ex wife. Is there any mention that there was no food in the house and that she couldn't provide for her kids? I don't see it. It is her responsibility to arrange for her chores if she is incapable of doing them...which I do not see has been said here. As a matter of fact, we do NOT even know when she was planning on shopping...she could have had an ongoing list for several days later...nothing was said that made it clear she was unable to get this task accomplished in her own time. Nothing.

Wouldn't this action be considered a major LB by his wife? Yes..TOMK has made this clear. Yet he did it anyway.

Yes, I concede I made an error in getting food for the kids, can that be dropped now? No, I did not check the cubborads or fridge to see if they were full or empty. The list was under a set of car keys so I ASSUMED when she felt up to it, she was going. Again... the kids love grocery shopping (I don't know why) So i figured why not take them and have some fun. MY BAD! It' won't happen again. Next time something like this comes up, I'll ask myslef, "How would my wife feel about this?"

Side note, saw a Lawyer today. I didn't say one word to him except to introduce myself, he took ALL my paperwork, spent 30 minutes reading it all, then says "Her story has changed 3 times in 10 days in black and white. I'll make a call and get these ridiculous bail conditions removed so you can see your son and talk with your wife, If that's what you want".

Another 30 minutes telling my story and he concurred he needs to take over the case, call the court appointed atty and have her removed formt he case, and call the DA personally... nice.

Now I need the retainer. Yep... another bad decision renting that bike.

I have a plan though...
Calm, Determined, FOCUSED, TOMK.

good job with the lawyer.

Retainer Secured.
Now I can rest a bit easy on THAT.

I just found out that my supervised visitation are only once a week for 1 hour.... that bites, but I guess in terms of keeping things positive, 1 hour a week is more than I've had the last 3 weeks.

Excellent!! Now you're moving in the right direction. Sounds like you've got a "take no nonsense" attorney. Good for you!

I personally think that the grocery shopping was a KIND thing to do for your CHILDREN. If your motives were focused on THEM and not the EX, then I think it was fine.

GOOD JOB TOMK! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> We all are very proud of you....now keep it up....she is gonna start calling and harassing you once RO and charges are dropped...be prepaired for a whirlwind of activity and emotions....but STAY strong. We have faith in you.

OK... I will tell ALL of you like I have been teeling my wife for the last 4 years... I speak to my Exwife purely because we have children together. She is the EXACT same way. We have NOTHING as far as feelings towards one another. We are extremely plutonic "freinds" and by friends I mean that we are civil and polite to each other.

The thought of me doing something nice for her never entered my mind. Yes I did ask if "the kids or you" need anything, but what I meant by that was did she need anything for them.

MY EXWIFE AND I MUTUALLY AGREE WE WOULD NEVER EVEN CONSIDER RECONCILIATION. Period.
(He said calmly - Caps for emphasis, not yelling)
OK now that that's done....


woohoo... looks like I'm needed once again!
Just got back from a 2 hour roadtrip to a client and ...guess what... I have email. I know I said I was done reading and just going to print them and file them. Now that I have an atty though, I feel more confident in my abilities to keep detached from whatever it is she might say. Read this and tell me this woman called the police on me because she feared a so-called threat by me that I would kill her....


I guess if I am smart and stay away as the law requires me to due to actions SHE took... I don't love her anymore in her rule book.

I now have proof that she has ZERO problem with me having my son overnight so this whole supervised vistation BS can be tossed!! (Calling my atty after I type this out)

What's going on with me? Gee hunny... I'm shelling out $2K for a Lawyer to stay out of jail on bogus charges, I just found out I have to pay $85 for an "Impact seminar" (that you have to go to as well) becuase of what you did -callingt he cops and having me arrested. The State of NH require BOTH parents to go to a 4 hour seminar about how this impacts the child(ren) So thanks for that added expense... oh yeah, if I don't go... that's an appended condition on my bail... i can go to jail if I miss it. Thanks for asking baby... what's up with you these days?

Remain freindly for the children? Hunny... have you really checked out of this marriage already?!!?!?! Here's my scoop...
You has an STD (accordign to you, I haven't seen any medical report)
I am clean of any/all STDs (got tested the very day I tried to leave the house and you had me arrested instead, results returned 5 days later)
1+1 = if you have an STD that you say can't lay dormant... well then baby, you are a liar and a cheater. BUT...
I have not checked out yet. I was packing my things to find somewhere to go to think about all this. After all... all real evidence points to YOU having an affair, be it a one nighter or not, you are the one who broke your marriage vows, not I.

Yet... hear I am, doing everything in my power (after a nice mental release over the weekend) to figure out if this marriage is salvageable...not how do I get out of it and save face with my family....

As we've told everyone how we met... I saw you across the room, our eyes locked, and I fell forever from that moment one. I pray and hope more than ever for this STD to be something you had dormant for years before me, thought would solidfy to me that you didn't cheat, this was all a huge leap of assumptions and misunderstandings. Let's get through this, love each other, and raise our kids in a safe and happy home.