TOMK..your wife may not be a monster...but trust me, she is NOT the person that you think she is either. She is manipulative, cruel and frankly a spoiled brat that needs a proverbial foot in her [censored].

You need to watch your back and COMMAND respect by accepting nothing less. You have rolled the dice here...I think it was a bad move...but it was done. Do NOT let that plea agreement further whip you and give her yet another hammer to use against you. It will be the biggest mistake of your life.
If your wife had any character and class, she would have stood up in court today and told the truth. She let you hang for her crime. don't ever forget that .

To help TOMK out here, what are some practical ways he can do this? I agree 100%, he needs to walk in the door and be the man of this family cause the first time she loses her temper it could mean his freedom.

I'm really stumped on how he can accomplish this without setting off a firestorm. Maybe do an "intervention" of sorts with a pastor or someone like that to witness. He could then lay it on the line what he requires for them to remain married? Even get her to admit in front of that third party that it was bogus? I dunno.

I'm so happy you will be seeing your son shortly!! I just about get choked up thinking about it.

Yes, it sucks you had to sign that. Time will tell if it will come back to bite you in the hiney. For now, work on your M with all you've got.

I like the suggestion of having discussions with your wife that might get "heated" in front of a witness. It could be a counselor or pastor.

How he can do that.

He can walk in and lay down some clear boundaries. The way you command respect is by not laying back while people are being disrespectful to you.

Asking for that letter will be a start.

Insist on marital counseling.


Personally, I WOULD NOT GO HOME to her. She had him arrested and TODAY let him hang for her crime. It is a HUGE mistake going back into that situation until his wife makes amends. While i believe she is sincere, I guarantee you that the woman that hung him out to dry today knows full well that she has some BIG power over him now.

I do not like this one bit.

MEDC:

I agree with you on this one.

TOMK: Faced with your sitch, Tough call. The ramifications will come later, or never. We have to wait and see. Enjoy your son tonight.

Now What?

Yes...Complete Honesty Lets go into the safe, the storage locker, etc.

Marriage Counseling.

Stand up.

And NEVER, EVER back down.

Your the leader.

Scarred and bruised. But DON"T BACK DOWN.

Complete Honesty.

LG

Hi there, TOMK:

It must be wonderful to be in your home again, and with your wife and child, so I hope you are absolutely enjoying this time, taking it in, and making the most of it (and I’m sure you are). If we are not hearing from you, I hope it is because the family is happily together for Thanksgiving, and for the rest of your lives ...

However!

A few things stood out about the painful choice you made, and I wanted to remark:

1) This situation began with accusations/counteraccusations of infidelity on account of your wife’s positive test for Chlamydia; you had been treated for upper respiratory infection (azithromycin?), which also simultaneously treats Chlamydia when it is present, so any subsequent test you took for Chlamydia would be negative anyway. Therefore, your negative test is NOT an indication of your “innocence” as a source of your wife’s infection. Furthermore, no evidence has ever been found of her infidelity, but you have established many questionable behaviors;

2) You were arrested by the police and removed from your home with THREE charges (not one) related to spousal abuse. Your response to this has been that you were arrested for merely leaving your home peacefully, and you were wrongfully charged, which does not ring true. Your wife’s response, which was initially fearful, and thereafter wanting you back in the family home, is not unusual for emotionally/physically abused spouses, and her emails cannot be construed as her recanting what the police observed – only as wanting you back home (which is typical);

3) Several times you have written about situations indicating profound lack of self-control and impulse control. (Spousal abuse is in this category.) In this latest instance, you had only three weeks to go before you would have had an opportunity to prove yourself absolutely innocent of all charges for the rest of your life, but you traded three weeks of discomfort for a lifetime of possible consequences. Either you believed that you were likely to be found guilty (because the state had ample evidence) OR…this is another example of poor impulse control. Either way, TOMK, you would benefit from anger management and impulse control education.

Otherwise, the blessings of this restored family life are not likely to continue.

Hi TomK,
Again, just remember that Sweetsobriquet has not been completly forthcoming on this site and that she/he has deleted many of her/his posts.

Nor would I.

I also would not be in her presence without another adult in attendance.

I would make arrangements to see my son everyday, but I would not move back until some things have been addressed. And have been addressed fully to the point of resolution that is agreed to by both sides. TOMK - that does not mean merely nodding your head to whatever your wife decides shall be the resolution.

I don't want to rain on TOMK's parade, but I don't recall his wife ever apologizing and asking his forgiveness for her false report. I don't recall her telling his attorney that she falsely accused her husband of violence. Nor did she testify or make a written statement taking responsibility for what she has brought down upon her husband and her son.

Something just does not add up here.

I don't know if TOMK hasn't really given the complete picture, unless the DA has a reputation for pursuing alleged domestic violence to the nth degree - then what has been posted just doesn't make sense to me. So, I'll just flat out ask it - TOMK have you been charged with DV before? Have the police been called to your home before? Did you do anything in the past or on the recent issue that contributed to what seems to be an *extreme* response by the authorities?

I also do not trust that she has been truthful about what the DA said to her. *She* could have worked with TOMK's attorney to fight this. *She* could have testified the TRUTH on her husband's behalf that she filed a false claim. That she has failed to take any responsibility for this, make amends for it, and set up accountability to ensure she doesn't do it again - then I am concerned that you have set yourself up, tied to a chair and given a loaded gun to a woman who hasn't hesitated to interfere with your fathering your older children, who hasn't hesitated to call the police on you when she's angry - that's not a person to which I would make myself vulnerable at all.

TOMK - I hope you are having a wonderful time with your son right now!!

Bumped to see how you're doing. Are you home? Or in jail..?

Hopefully he is not responding because he tore down his lab and is not spending any time on the computer at home.

I really hope you are doing OK TOMK.

I agree.

I'm OK...

MEDC said it best.... unfortunately

I took a HUGE GAMBLE





.....and lost.
I'm NOT in jail...the police have not been called again.
I have been home for 2 weeks.

...if you can call it home.
More later

OMG the protical son returns...we were all so worried...ok...are you absolutely sure this is how you want life to continue for you and your son?

Ugh.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Yep...
lab gone.
I have NO TIME lately at work to post and every computer except my laptop is gone at home. THAT oddly enough didn't go over well... (They were "her PCs" and I should have asked to remove them. Now I need to get them back...)

But yeah... I don't touch a PC at home and I go to bed every night at 8:00 WITH her.

No more "recreational" computer use for me...not for a looooooooooooong time anyway.


Anger management screening - The Doc said I don't need it. (duh)

...again. more later... I'm late leaving for home...
thanks for your support everyone. I'll READ all the posts when I get a chance...
TOMK

Please do, people have been concerned.

I'll try to keep this short.

The day I went home we talked, things were good, not great, who could expect them to be? But they were on the way to a healthy place anyway.

Ground rules laid down on nite 1
Greet each other with a kiss like we used to
No more Computers for me @ home (hence the lab gone - she commented again this morning she wants her machine back).
WE go to bed together, if she's tired we go, If I'm tired we go.
NO jokes about calling the cops
Concious effort on both parts not to say things we do not mean when we argue.
TRUST EACH OTHER on face value for now

What's happened in the 10 days I've been home.
My boy absolutely loves me and refuses to let me out of his sight. I rock him to bed every night. We play, all 3 of us, and we talk about his baby sister coming in the Spring.
I've made sure to clean up after myslef, and help her more with the cleaning.
She done my laundry once, and I thanked her for it.
Of course the arguing about stupid things....
She wants to see my new bank account and how much I have in it. This was the account for the sale of the domain names to TomTom. She doesn't believe that ever happened (go figure). And she wants to know where my 2 months worth of paycheck has gone. I told her it went to attorney fees, she doesn't believe that, she wants me to log into my accounts and let her go through them to look at each transation. I asked why, there's nothing there. She wants to see where I've gone for lunch and how much I've spent (This pisses me off)
So... I log into each account and print the stuff off for her, not good enoguh, I'm a PC guy I can manipulate a printout. I say this is what you're getting... there is NO MONEY in my accounts.

Then she tells me I need to make the car payment, it's 2 weeks past due, seh refuses to make it. So guess where my paycheck I get tomorrow is going? So much for Xmas shopping.

That reminds me...we've already had about 12 fights about $$$ and how she has none, that's why she can't pay the car or the insurance. HELLO?!?!?!?! She got $9K the week before I was arrested!!! How the ****** does someone go through 9K in 7 weeks?!?!?!

....retail therapy as one of my colleauges mentions to me. yep... she's got ALL new clothes, can't say how many new pairs of shoes...and some new stuff in the house. Oh... but AFTER she told me she had no $$ for the car payment, Black Friday she went out and spent -according to her, over $300 for Xmas presents for her family.

She's already told me 3 or 4 times she wished she didn't take me back. Demands to knwo what the Anger Management Screen Dr said... Did I mention he says I don't need Anger Management? Oh... another reminder, she told me on nite 1 that she was going to see someone on HER anger Managament? My AM Dr asked where she was going? i told him what my wife told me.... there is no such dept in that hospital according to my AM Dr...so I call the Hospital.... yep. She lied!!!

I couldn't sleep lastnight. I do not know why. All I did downstairs was eat the rest of the turkey and have a class of nuked milk to try to fall asleep. Then watched the unit and NCIS. Watched some National Geographic thing then finally felt sleepy. Wasn't on the Computer at all. She left me in bed til 5 minutes before she was walking outt he door... made comments abotu how I'm an @sshole for not offering to take the boy to daycare for her as she's running late, and that I'm right back to my old ways of staying up late on the PC talkign to who knows who....
1 night in 10 that I cannot sleep.... and she's right back to where we were...

I've left otu a LOT. partially cuz i don't feel liek reliving it. the other part is I'm too tired to think,a nd now my co-worker is here int he office.

Oh... someone asked if I've ever been involved in DV or arrested before... NO!
I have never had the cops called on me before. I have never been arrested before. in fact some jobs I've had required a thorough and clean backgraound check. I've always come up Aces. I'm 38 in January. Not until 8 1/2 weeks ago was I ever arrested.

More when I can.
TOMK

Call your lawyer. You either need to get out of there or she needs to enter couples counseling with you immediately.
Speak to your lawyer about the legalities concerning your child.
This has got to stop. Her bad behavior is being enabled and bottom line is, she isn't going to stop because she enjoys the power trip. She has you over a barrel and she knows it. Your wife is an abusive a-hole and YOU have to set firm boundaries so that this will stop.
I KNOW this is MB but I am strongly suggesting that you get out of there after speaking with your lawyer and NEVER be alone with your wife again until she has agreed in writing that she lied before....and also agrees to couples counseling.

Have you asked her about what happened to that $9K?



Did you talk to her about this?

Unfortunately, I'm seeing your situation playing out almost exactly like you were warned about here. Your W is manipulative and controlling, with a good measure of deceitfulness and dishonesty thrown in. Also, it's quite apparent that she will always identify YOU as being the source of all of her problems. Look forward to more use and abuse if you don't take steps to change the situation.