Thinking,

The homework part destroyed me. My assignment, that I have to bring in with me next week, is a paper that answers 5 questions. EVERY SINGLE ONE of the questions is "Observe your child and describe how they cope with... fear, anger," ...and 3 others...

Just a thought......why not observe your two other children?

You wrote that your son was abit afraid about hiking at first.......you dealt with this situation very positive as a parent and he did overcome his fear.

By the end of the day, this great little guy was so motivated and self confident, he will never forget what he shared with you his father. I think you did GREAT!!!!

bb

Well, you have observed your son before right? Read the question and think back to a time where he experienced that emotion and answer the question.

Got too upset about the homewrok and didn't want to keep rereading them... tossed them in the trash on my way out.

Got another email today.... sigh. (After the IMs I posted in a new thread)

If your account of what happened is accurate, then the honest thing to do would be for her to admit that she falsely claimed domestic violence.

If she is asked under oath whether or not you hit her and she "takes the 5th" - then that makes her look like the poor little woman who was abused but doesn't want you to pay for it AND it makes it look like you were guilty.

She has apperently fallen asleep on the couch tonight. I am off work tomorrow at 11AM to take care of personal stuff, so i stayed late tonight to get alot done. During the course of the evening she would send me IMs about what che's doing, how the baby is already in bed, how she's sleepy but wants to see a certain show, and that she wishes I was there for our patended "CCT" (Couch Cuddle Time for those not up to speed on that term).

last IM I got was , "wish you were here to be my pillow."

I signed out about 75 minutes ago and drove to my parents. Logged in and she's still there, set to "away" so she must be asleep on the couch. Her neck is going to be killing her in the morning. Half tempted t buzz her just to wake her up so she goes upstairs...but....sadly...even THAT is in violation...

Oh! Speaking of my wonderful bail conditions... I have an earlier court date! Instead of 12/13 it's now 11/19. I could very well be home for Thanksgiving dinner!!! My wife and I had planned on just her and I and the baby this year...we felt we needed it. NOW more than ever...THAT would be wonderful!

Now.... to just convince the DA to dismiss the charges...
SOOOOOOO Glad I hired an attorney instead of going with a public defender who wanted me to plead out when my court date arrived on 12/13!

Last night I had a very VIVID Dream that I was in a car crash with my new car. It 'felt' real to me.... even when I woke up this mornig I had to look outside to see what car was int he driveway.... I rmember the whole thing, like it really happened.

Then this morning on the way in to work, a car cut me off from a side street. I thought what a jerk and backed off as I typically do. This car, similar in shape to mine but a different color, was in front of me almost the entire trip...then BAM. . . .

...Out of know where a car plows right into the guy in front of me. Same hit I 'remember' from my dream. I stopped to help, the car that hit the guy in front of me.... SAME CAR as in my dream!!! What the?!?!?

The guy that got hit was a mess, T-Boned right in the driver's door. Blood everywhere. I won't go into that details though... Oddly I don't even remember the other driver at all. I did what I could then gave my report to the officer who responded. Didn't tell him I dreamed of this though.

Weird...

Weird is right....

I don't know if dreams mean anything but in this case, it seems that this dream may have made you extra vigilant.

Somebody up there wants you to stay around and in one piece!

WOW! Something like this happened to my mom over 30 years ago. We were in our first house and the garage was turned into a bedroom. That is where my parents slept. The house was on a corner. Anyways one night she had a horrible dream that a car came around the corner too fast and crashed into the garage where they were sleeping. She was so freaked out they put the house on the market and we moved. A few months later it happened! Luckly the new owners fell asleep on the sofa so no one was hurt.

I forgot to add that my mom is very spiritual and has had Angels keep her from things like accidents. One time she was driving and my autisic sister was in the back seat. Mom looked back at her and saw her looking at something. She looked again and saw an angle next to my sister. Then she slowed down and the car next to her went ahead of her. BAM the car in front of her got hit.

Speaking of dreams... apparently my little boy is starting to have some nightmares or simply refusing to go to bed until he gets to see Daddy...

My wife just called....sigh... I HATE not being able to answer. She left a message...

"Listen, I know you can't talk to ME on the phone but can you please call back and talk to your son? He's missing you terribly and I have been having such a hard time getting him to go to bed lately. Or staying in bed. He keeps crying saying he wants to go get you from work... 'Daddy home from work now' and '(his name removed) go get Daddy at work?' He made me put a picture of you up on my computer and he sits there talking to it for hours. It's cute to watch but at the same time it breaks my heart. Please call home.... (long pause) ....for your son. I love you."

This makes me consider everything that has happened in the past week or so and think.... she's not going to play nice for the prosecution, she wants me home, and my son is an apparent wreck without me... the ONLY thing keeping me from being home right NOW is these damn Bail Conditions...

SHE dropped the DV charges, as she should have...they were bogus. The 'Marital Master' (some sort of judge we saw for the DV case) told us if we could works things out among ourselves that was fine, proper paperwork would have to be filed though.

....Why not just go home? And wait there for my court date? Can the State REALLY toss me in jail...a father, a husband, a support figure to a family and a newborn on the way? Would the State really toss a guy like me in prison for going home to his family - who WANTS him there??

My son needs me. My wife needs support through this medically turmoiled pregnancy, that unborn child needs me. They all need me... need me HOME. Not waiting for permission for the State to go back where I belong.

So...Do I go be a Father to my children and a husband to my wife, like a good man should? Or... or am I to be a selfish self centered [censored] out to protect myself and wait for this damn court date before I go back to my family????

It's hard to be a good father from jail. It's hard to provide well for your family if you have a domestic abuse violation on your record that follows you for the next umpteen years.

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I am especially sorry for your son.

I am hoping that your wife takes this opportunity to learn that her thoughtless choices made in rage can exact a price on the whole family. I hope she learns that lesson well.

In the meantime, have you drawn up a list of marital issues that need to be addressed by the both of you? The secrecy, the lack of guidelines for and the resistance against being a father to your older children, the need for counselling with an effective marriage counselor (perhaps with the Harleys?), etc.?

Your marriage had some major issues before. Those problems most likely won't magically disappear overnight. You've had the time to look into the dysfunctional dynamics that existed in your marriage and there needs to be some sort of plan to deal with those. Baby is going to add more layers of stress onto your marriage, so the window of opportunity is small.

What are your plans to effect a solution of the pre-existing marital issues?

WAIT A FRICKING MINUTE!

How the ****** are you a selfish person when YOU are following the LAW. Get the ****** out of your fog.

Has it ever ocurred to you that this is just the latest ploy to manipulate you? She is STILL trying to get you to break the rules set forth by HER OWN ACTIONS.

YES THE STATE CAN TOSS YOU INTO JAIL. You aren't just protecting yourself but you are protecting youtr chances of going home!!! Don't you dare do something to jepordize that because she's now playing the 'sad child' card. Yes, Im absolutely certain your son misses you,but how can you help him if you BREAK THE LAW?

Call your lawyer and have him speak to her again. Let him tell her that it is HURTING you when she calls you and tells you those thigns about your son. If she loves you, she will STOP calling and let things follow their own course. SHE needs to realize that it is HER hurting her child and NOT YOU.

She's the selfish [censored], TOMK.

TOMK, given the way your wife acted to start with, you should NOT go back home until the judge tells you that you can.

It's possible that she HAS had a change of heart, but I am still leery of her intentions. All she needs is to be able to prove ONE phone call from you, even if it is to talk to your son, to have you locked up, because you can't prove that you only called to talk to your son.

Need to start planning my weekend now so that I don't go home. I miss him so much and I REALLY want to figure out what happened with this STD, the baby on the way, and see if we can really reconnected or if I'm living in lala land.

I got my court date moved from 12/13 to 11/19. That's just 10 days compared to another full month. I lost focus last night and just wanted to hold my boy. I am smarter than that...

Another 10 days and I can hold him all I want and never let go. ....another 10 days. ugh.

I lmpw some of my posts are messy, riddled with typos, and sometimes dont' make sense...(here I just type to get it all out so I don't forget anything). But I've always been told I'm a good writer and should have written a book or two. So maybe these next 10 days I will graplin's advise and instead of keeping a mental note of the things I really want to talk to her about...I should just write it all out.

I should have never have left. But then again, without leaving and then being forced to stay away...would I have realize the damages I was causing by teaching myself new things at night in my lab, or doing research? Would i have ever realized that not just my kids are my priority, my FAMILY is...and SHE is part of my family.

I HATE the process... loath it fits better I think. But the end result should (not could) be a very loving and happy marriage!

It's only been 40 days today since I've been out of the house, it'll be at least 50 before I'm back. 50 days I will never get back. But in those 50 days I've learned so much about MYSELF, and how I control me... and in the past I allowed her to... I allowed it.

Maybe I went through some sort of self re-hab... I don't know. What I do know is I'm very thankful I found this site and used it for guidance. I honestly can't say where in my life I went off track, nor can I say when I'll be back on track... but now I know I'm off, can see where I am, and where I need to be.

Direction... a goal... without that, I guess one just 'exists'. I'm done with exisiting, it's time to live.

Thank you all again. you haven't heard the last of me yet...
TOMK

Thinking,

I think that this will be a life altering lesson for your wife...........more "maybe" than it was/is for you. This wouldn't of happened in the first place if she would of had control over herself.

It'll give her something to think about in the future if she ever starts getting into that mode again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm happy to read how strong you have gotten throughout the past 40+ days. Keep it up.....

bb

Wife sent me this in IM... She's clearly not happy.

L says (4:14 PM):
WTF
L says (4:14 PM):
DA called and left message...called back and they told me about the 19th
L says (4:20 PM):
they got Motion to Ammend Bail cond...hence the hearing on the 19th
L says (4:20 PM):
said i don't have to be there ...and they are going to object (but will tell judge I am in favor of chaning conditions to allow contact)
L says (4:20 PM):
and you still go to court on 12/13
L says (4:20 PM):
??? this is not going to help things or go away sooner
L says (4:21 PM):
but they will offer a "deal" on the 19th
L says (4:21 PM):
conditional mal prac...which is that they drop charges if you agree to counseling (anger mgt or something for domestic violence)
L says (4:22 PM):
only catch is you have to be "good" for a period of time 6 months or whatever the judge decides...and the charges are dropped completely
L says (4:22 PM):
you do NOT have to plead guilty with this deal they said

I love this... all I did was go home and pack my stuff...and I'm the one who needs anger management classes and to be on "good" behavior?????

SHE DID THIS!!! NOT ME!!!

Apparently my lawyer neglected to tell me this coming hearing was for bail conditions only???? Or.... is this just the DA's way of telling her not to show up and this will all go away as my lawyer has previously told me????

MEDC!!!! Mr. W!!! Mrs. W!!!!! ...help me understand this?

Well, you better hope she doesn't pull this same crap in the next six months, eh?

I think you need to call your lawyer.

Have you called your A?

~ Marsh

TOMK -- Really, you are going to benefit from anger management/domestic violence classes. Go for it, and don't fight that one.

You benefitted from the parenting class, though it pained you. Your posts indicate that you have self-control issues and problems with anger. You are self-reporting here, but the behavior your describe on your wife's part really would not be inconsistent for someone who was emotionally or physically battered -- But we certainly have no way of knowing that.

If it's any consolation, in their view the authorities are protecting a vulnerable pregnant woman from a man who may be violent (and may or may not have a history, as far as we know). Despite your personal pain, I would think that should offer some consolation.

Absolutely, the counseling itself is harmless, and probably there is some benefit. You should go without argument.

my only arguement is that it makes me look like I feel like I did something wrong...in that I would be guilty of the things she's accused me of. Which I am not.

I know you all get just one side of the story with me, and knowing that, I try to be as unbias as possible so tat I can get as much constructive support as possible for my situation.

I hvae not called my lawyer yet, I thought for sure he would have called me. It's almost 9PM on a Friday night before a holiday weekend... I won't get him now anyway.

Just when I think I'm almost there.... story of my life.

As for self reporting I have anger management issues..... um Ok?... I guess I'm supposed to be all rosey all the time? Perhaps I need help in the "How to deal with and show emotions" seminar then... I didn't realize having my own opinion on something made me a candidate for anger management.

But then... I've never claimed to be a SMART man either.....