TOMK

I am just going to ask...

have you ever hit your wife?

have you ever threatened to take your kids?

I just want to make sure she has no basis to fear you.

The more I think about this the more I KNOW she was never told that by a doctor. I really suspect she is having an affair. You really will need to find some way to afford an attorney.

Deep breath....
I really wish I knew what to do and what was going on...

I guess I should say that her last relationship she was in while estranged from the rest of her family.... all ccording to her mind you. Was that she lived with an abusive man for 10 years. Never married to him and always knew the right time to leave for "X amount of time" to avoid the relationship form falling into what the law refers to as "Common Law Marriage". According to her, thsi guy would beat the ever lovin crap outta her for no apparent reason at all. Afetrt 10 years, and a shotgun to the head saying "If you leave I'll blow your head off" she finally left the guy.

I never met him but was warned he might stat stalking me. Never happened although he did call her quite a bit once he found out about me. The odd thing here is... all the stuff she warned me he woudl do... his best freind did instead.

Stalking, calling, making us both very uncomfortable. Almost, but not quite tot the point of getting an RO on him. There was a time after we were engaged that for whatever reason she decided to go out with him while I was out of town. They went to a hockey game. He had his arm around her and I guess (again - all from what she's told me) He was telling everyone around them that the ring she was wearing was from him. Apparently she gets a lot of comments on how nice it is... and that jerk tried to take credit for it....

One day on a road trip her ex's bets freind calls her again. While we are driving downt he road she has a long talk with him about how he needs to stop calling her, she's gettign married to me...blah blah blah.

this guy to this day gives me looks like I'm some kind of [censored], like he thinks he has the rights to be her next guy...

Anyway, according to her, she came from a very abussive relationship. Physically and Mentally.

Have I hit her ever? In anger, no. In play, yes. We tease and play with each toher from time to time and I smack her toosh or something. Hav eI ever hauled of and smacked her? No.

Have I threatened to take our son and leave only in retorts to her saying one day I'll come home and they'll be gone...

I don't want to live with threats every day, I just want to get along.

I called the courthouse today on MEDC's advise...guess what, they're closed for the holiday. I called the Police and gave them a breif synopsis of what I need to do. They agreed that they could give me another civil standby to give her the papers to read about the dormant STD. But not until tonight as she doesn't want the cops at her work... her employees don't need to know her personal life, according to an IM I got from her shortly after getting of the phone with the police.

So... do I print off the email I was going to send to her about the dormant STD theory, and hopefully be able to see my son today? Or... do I hold this stuff and bring it up in court on Friday?

I believe this court date is to determine if the RO should be uphelp or modified....

my hopes is that it goes away completely so that in turn the 12/13 court case for the criminal charges are dropped and I can get on with my life and figure out what to do about this marriage....

Sounds like the "best friend" is the person you should be looking at as the possible OM.



What did her previous BF have to say about that?



Heavens no - we don't want her to be embarrassed by the results of her own behaviour, do we? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.



I'm for staying mum until Friday, and not mentioning the dormant STD theory AT ALL! Instead, simply indicate that this apparently all started when your W found out she had an STD and thought that you were cheating, however you've been tested, you don't have any STDs, and you haven't been treated for any since you've been involved with your W. Let her do the hard work to come up with an alibi for her STD. For all you know, she might expose the *real* reason why she thinks she's got one now.

I just got another email from my wife...
It says the paperwork I filled out and left for her during the civil standby isn't filled out correctly and that I signed it in the wrong spot. This was to get my name legally off the utilities wihtout having htem shut off on her (before I even knew I couldn't do it due to the RO).

She thinks I'm dropping of "More paperwork" and instead of me coming to the house, she wants me to leave it at the police station for her to pick up. I don't want her thinking I have "paperwork" for her... I just want her to knwo about this dormant STD theory.

She first said in am IM to me, that I didn't reply to - this is SO HARD not to reply ro emails, IMs, or pick up the phone when she calls!!!

Anyway, she said to me in the IM that my son is sick, she's leaveing work early and taking him tot he Dr. And that they shoud be home about 4-4:30. To me that was an "OK you can come over" sort of thing... Maybe I read to much into that? I'm notorious for over analyzing....

And now that she's had time to think about it apprently, she thinks I ahve "paperwork" for her. I guess the officer that called her didn't tell her I just had somethign for her to read. The way he/she worded it to her...who knows.

I know I would be thinking here come the D papers....

Do I try to go see her tonight? ...and hopefully see and hug my boy?

I feel as though you are not listening to anyones advice here....no, you do NOT try and see her.

You do whatever it takes to get a lawyer and begin unraveling this mess.

NO ONE can help you until you help yourself.

When she's been int he shower or off the to store and fogot her cell phone, I check the numbers dialed and the numbers that came in. none have ever looked suspicious, and I don't think he has her new cell number anyway. It's been over 2 years since I've heard abotu him or heard him try to call.
As I said, never met him...

No, do not break the RO. I think that there's a good possibility that she's playing you.

My cell allows me to delete specific call records. Perhaps hers does as well. That there's no record on the phone does not mean that there haven't been any calls to or from him.

I wouldn't put it past her to try to get you to trip up and violate the order. I know it must be really hard not seeing your son. Tread carefully and get everything done legally. Think of it as an investment in your future as his dad.

Ok I'm at a loss.
So now do not give her the info on the dormant STD.

All weekend I was told to get the info to her by a third party, I called the courthouse and they are on holiday. So I called the PD. They say they can provide another civl service for me to give her the info if I print it out. I cannot email it to her.

I say " go see her" meaning give her this info provided I can get the Civil Standby. It would also be GREAT if I could see my son again. I have no alterior motives. Just give her the web links on the dormant STD and hopefully be able to see my son. I will leave when asked to. Quietly.

I'm anxious. I want to see my son, and I want to look into her eyes to see if I can figure out what she's thinking...

Is that so bad? Or...is this another tactic? She emailed basically saying don't bother coming... but before that said she would be home early.

I HATE HEADGAMES!!! (mostly cuz I alwasy lose at them)

Well... If the cops are there facilitating it maybe it won't work against you. She can't make up story's about how it went down if they are there witnessing the whole interaction.

Her headgames are making my head spin too!!!

I wouldn't do ANYTHING except gather your evidence for your hearing on Friday. Quit allowing yourself to be dragged into the drama.

If you have a hearing about the RO and it's a criminal matter, then you'll probably be appointed an attorney at the hearing on Friday. Do nothing that could be construed as pushing the limits.

I personally think if you would bow out of this drama (quit reading her emails and IMs) for awhile, you'd be able to think clearly.

Ask the Judge on Friday about seeing your son, even if its supervised visitation with a third party.

I would leave her alone. She is too malicious.

Get some counseling for yourself. This woman has too much control over you. You keep talking about seeing your boy, but you have another one that you haven't kept in contact with - all because of your wife. You need to get some help in learning on how to be your own man.

OK so I am weak and against the latest advise I proceeded with the Civil Standby tonight.

As I thought, she was expecting me to give her divorce papers so was very defensive and hostile in the begining. The police wanted to know what I was there for and I told them I wanted to get a few more things and to give her the printed out eamil about the dormant STD. They told me they could not give that to her as it was a form of me communicating to her. She said she wanted it anyway, the cops said no. She could have takent he email as a violent act and they could get into trouble. So now I'm thinking, yeah, I messed up coming here tonight. She wouldn't let me take anything, pretty stuck on the issue that I removed a wireless router form the house that she didn't think I took. (Though she went through all the boxes).

She said, "go spend time with your son, he's been wondering where you've been." I looked at the police, they said it was a slow night and told me it was OK. I held him and tried to hold back my tears for a good 15 minutes.

I over heard my wife telling one of the officers that she never meant to have me arrested and was planning on asking the judge to drop the charges at this Friday's court hearing. The officer told her that she could not drop them, it is now a criminal charge and the state is persuing it. She asked if there was anythign she can do to have the charges dropped and the cop shrugged his shoulders and said she would need to speak with the DA.

After they talked a bit the cop said he didn't find anything threating int he email and if she would not hold it against them, he would give it to her. She accepted.

I noticed a few new toys in the house and immediately thought to myself..."Buy him toys to distract him from daddy being gone..." Which made me mad, but then i thought of him and how he must be doing, then thought it was a good idea she had. I just hope her intentions are the ones I am thinking of too.

On my way out I asked her how he's been doing at night. She said "he's a little sick, I told you that" (I don't the cops noticed or cared she just admitted to trying to contact me) Then i said no, I mean at night, when it's time for bed. you know how he gets if I don't give him a kiss goodnight...(Again I tried to hold back the tears) She started to cry and said "It's been difficult". Then he came running over and hugged my legs. I picked him up, (and lied to him so he wouldn't start crying) told him Daddy was going to work.. She said "You'll see Daddy in a litte while". I kissed and hugged him, put him downa nd he followed me to the door..

Heart breaking. I was so happy to see him but thought maybe this was a bad idea. Now he's going to have such a hard time tonight when it's time for bed.

He blew me kisses and yelled out "Love you Daddy" as I got in my car. I yelled back love you too. and thanked my wife.

Somewhere in the middle of all that I noticed no alarm in the house, though the locks have indeed been changed. So that email to "J" is half true as far as that goes. She is also still waering her ring, though turned it over so the diamond was in her palm. That felt good, cuz she took it off the Friday she accused me of cheating and hadn't worn it all weeeknd. Then of course that Monday I ignored her and was sent to jail so I don't know when she put it back on.

I left, as a good little man on RO would. but didn't make it far before I needed to pull over... I couldn't hold it back anymore. Finally made it to a gas station to put gas int he car, 6:30PM and dark as can be... I'm wearing sun glasses so no one sees my blochy eyes whiel I pump gas... so stupid.

In advertantly drove past the airport where I take my son to go watch airplanes and lost it again...

Got to my sister's basement, logged onto my laptop and cringed expecting to find some sort of "how dare you" email or IM... nothing. Given the history, the lack of words says a lot to me. Just what it says, I'm not 100% sure of right now.

I just want to go home. I know I'm a great Dad. I know I can be a great husband too.

I was going to say I guess the ball's in her court now, but maybe i'll keep it a little while longer. Do what I can to protect myself come Friday, see what my lawyer says Wednesday, and go from there.

I really hope I'm not in some lala land. There's had to have been worse cases then mine right? This is still fixable, isn't it?

Home... Yeah I want stop existing, I want to go home and start living.

Mojo- it can also mean-she knows how to push my buttons-the ****** deserved it.
Or
She knows how to push my buttons-she made me do it.

Heard it before; too many times.

Domestic violence takes many forms; one does not have to be hit to be a victim of domestic violence.

My radar is up...

As T said, his wife has a long history of domestic violence( which for your information, woman generally continue to engage themselves in harmful relationships, going from one to the next) and he also admitted to making threats-in retort.

One would assume after having a gun to the head there would be a valid fear of threats-for her or anyone who has suffered as T says his wife has.

I understand also that there are many persons who have and who will continue to make false accusations-but if the fear is real, as T has supported with a past history for his wife.

She has a right, a basic human right to feel safe.

Later

Max

It sounds like she's feeling some guilt over filing false charges on you. I feel so bad for your son... he's caught in the middle of all of this. I am glad you got to see him and give her those papers. How are you feeling today?

I had an early mornign meeting today as I do every Tuesday. After the meeting I called my boos and told her I would be in late today. I just got here. I went to my old Dr.'s office to get my lab results paperwork. Man oh MAN WHAT I FEELING THIS IS to have the big Negative results in my hand!!!!

This is SOLID MEDICAL PROOF I WAS NOT A CHEATER. I Was going to say not THE cheater, but as MEDC enlightened me to, perhaps she's had this all along in a dormant state. I cannot fault her for who she has slept with before me. I won't. She does it to me and I knwo how it makes me feel. I won't do that to her.

I am not a fast reader so I got Anthony Robbins audio book on "Get the Edge" I've been listening to it all morning getting my personal things squared away. I feel good.

I just hope I get the chance come Friday to show her too...

I want to beleive in this dormant STD theory vs her cheating. I so badly want to believe it. If I find out otherwise, I'm not sure what I will do.

All I can do right now is go see my Lawyer tomorrow, hoep that my wife hasn't really started Divorce paperwork, and just keep a positive attitude.

Am I missing anything? I think I'm ready for court, I'm sure my lawyer will get me to an even better place with that. I hope I have enough proof that the police didn't need to be called. Or at least the lack of proof that what she accused me of ever happened.

Hopefully this RO will be ever with and I can sleep in my own bed on Friday... wake up and go have breakfast with my boy and go see airplanes!

If you get back into the house, TOMK, DO NOT EVER LEAVE IT AGAIN.

madmax1- why don't you just come out and call TOMK a wifebeater?

you are right about this. TOMK is a victim of domestic violence at the hands of his wife...even though she didn't hit him.




really...what I see is he made a statement about protecting his relationship with his child.



this is for her to work out...just because she was abused in the past...does NOT mean her H has to suffer for what others have done.




and what exactly has her H done to take that away? In fact she is the one that has broken the safety of the M by lying to the police and courts regarding his acts. Since she has chosen to do that now, there is an assumption that her word is not reliable and I wonder how many times in the past she has played the victim card to manipulate people. I would suspect that she was never abused based on her willingness to lie about that very thing to get her way.

I second that thought....

Oddly enough, AFTER I have given her the email about the dormant STD theory, I have yet to hear from her. From 12 hours after I was arrested, booked, and jailed till last night when i gave her that info, I have gotten some sort of communication attempt from her. email, IM, or phone call. Oddly, after the info... nothing. Not one single thing.

Again, NOT hearing from her says soooooo much.

Which reminds me, any time in the past when she tries to pick a fight and I make the point that she's "not right" the subject is changed... or... COMPLETELY DROPPED and not spoken about until the next arguement.