Lawyer says he cannot advise me to pick up my son on Friday. I knew that, but I was hoping he could make a call to someone to have that bail condition removed ASAP. he said the only way is to get her to sign off on it.... but I cannot contact her, so how am I to do that?

He will not act on anything until he has his retainer...understandably, but I told him he would have it tommorrow and hoped he might in good faith start working the case. "Call me tomorrow" he says...

I guess he has his interests too. but I do understand that. hopefully withint he extreme limited timeframe I have, he can work some magic for me and I can be with my boy this weekend!

Also just got another report form Mike that "she's clean" tonight. Just 1 car in the driveway. I see her online, but I have her blocked (as usual) so she thinks I'm off...

but so far, every "stakeout" has come up clean, that's good right?

This was all too much jumping to assumptions and misunderstandings...right? That coupled with her hormones going bonkers...

Right?

It's hard to say TOMK. She could be playing it safe and not having the OM over at night. Your son is old enough that he could slip and tell you OM's name if he spent time around him.

There's no way we know 1000% for sure she does or doesn't have an OM. The biggest red flag for me was the time she was leaving for work and getting home, considering how close you guys live to your work. And, the STD.

Don't put it past her to "lay low" for right now on the OM, if there is one.

I know how tempting it is to want to watch your son over night... unfortunately the legal predicament she put you in makes this very thin ice for you. You can't communicate with her... how the heck are you supposed to do it? What if she then decides to call the cops and say you kidnapped him? I just don't trust her...

it might be a neighbor...it could be that she is hesitant to have the car parked there...etc. don't put much faith in a car not being in the driveway.

Yeah... the killer fact is she has, or admitted to having, an STD. Not only do I know I didn't cheat, but I have proof I have no STD.

So if this isn't a dormant thing, then there is an OM. Even if it were a one night stand thing...

Signing papers with my Lawyer in 1 hour!

Woot!Woot! Shall I get out my pom poms now?

Paperwork done, court appointed lawyer booted, gracefully. My lawyer has ALREADY placed a call to the DA and is meeting him tonight to show the emails, IMs, and the pictures of the phone calls. I am in the process of recording the voicemail to MP3.

No more talk of "prepairing to go to trial" since he's thouroughly read the emails, and this latest one wanting me to take my son overnight. He will try his best tonight to see if this whole mess can be squashed, but doesn't want me getting my hopes up for this weekend.

I feel good though!

Well... I'll be praying you get the time with your son. But he's right... don't get your hopes up.

It sounds like he is more on the ball. Hopefully you'll see results a lot more quickly.

Just paid for and scheduled my "Child Impact" sessions too. I can't go to the ones my wife goes to, they looked for her name, she has yet to register. Typical.

My guess is that she's going to freak when she hears you hired a lawyer and that you're manning up to her BS. She'll know that once you have a paid lawyer on your team, she can't pull anymore of her shennigans.

ETA- deleted part about paralegal friend b/c I got your story mixed up with someone else. Anyways, good for you!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Stay on track!!!!

bb

Good morning all.
I'm just posting this to remind myself if I ever happen to lose focus....

Being away from my wife has opened my eyes to more things than I had realized. Even though the finalstep in my departure was a reaction on her part which caused me to be arrested and not be able to return home on my terms, it has forced me to THINK about my marriage and really start to understand my feelings for my wife.

I knew, just never allowed myself to agree/admit it, she's extremely controlling. This really started not after 1 week of being married to her, but actaully shortly after I returned to work in my profession after the baby was born. I was working "pre-baby" of course, but it was contract jobs... just a job, not my career. The job was in my career feild, but I knew, as did she, the contract was always going to end so there was no need for going the extra mile or enthusiasm to go to work. It was merely a paycheck.

Now though, now I have a great job with an old boss of mine form corporate world who's started her own small business. She knows "business" and I know "tech". She's been in business 5 years and is now - with my help according to her, finally turning a profit. She's made me a partner in just 6 months. This does nothing for me in the way of $$ right now, but when we reach a certain profit margin, I get 50% of that. I love what I do, and as I've said I never went to school for any of it, though I've passed every certification test I've ever taken. I learn form experience, and "playing" in my "lab" (You know, the so-called 'smut-setup' my wife refered to in one of her emails to "J").

But... I spend entirely way to much time after my work day "playing" in my lab after my son goes to bed instead of spending time with my wife. I didn't see this as a problem before... she would watch TV after the baby went down, shows I do'nt like,so I would go play and learn more for my job. Anyone who is doing something they love, inevidably loses track of time and 1 hour turns into 4, 5, or even all night...

Being in a completely sepreate room seperated me from my wife, she was doing her thing, I was doing mine. All when WE should have been doing SOMETHING together.

I don't have a TV now, and I've been doing pretty well without it for 4 weeks actually. Granted I still have my laptop, but no lab. So... things I typically do at night to help me with my career have been put on hold as well. What have I been doing? ....Looking at my life.

I realize IN PART that I am responisble for where I am now. With me leaving her to do her thing, and me getting all caught up in mine, we drifted apart. That's not what marriage is about. I don't NEED to be in my lab every night. I prioritized my son and wouldn't go in there until he was in bed, yet I put that above just sitting with my wife on the couch we bought SPECIFFIALLY for "Couch cuddle time"??? No wonder she thinks I have online girlfreinds... I don't, but I don't blame her (anymore) for thinking I do.

I left on the 3rd day after hearing my wife has an STD. I left with no explanation of why or where I was going. I just wanted to get away so I could absorb what just happened to my family. I guess I was in a state of shock or something. Actions speak louder than words right? Well sometimes those actions are taken out of context unless words are spoken as well. She probably paniced and thought I was going to stay with the OW she though I had, because I refused to speak to her about what I was doing. She could have thought "I can't have you so she can't" and called the police. Had I told her I needed some time and space to think about the STD then MAYBE she would have just let me go.

I don't NEED a TV. I don't NEED to spend so much time bettering myslef for my career and my partnership in a business. I NEED to show my wife every day how much she really means to me. That I love her, and there has never been nor ever will be any room in my heart for another woman but her. I NEED to spend time doing anything and nothing at all WITH my wife. WITH my family.

Reality is this. She's so worried about getting a big bonus every 6 months that she works outrageous hours. She does this not because she's money hungry (hopefully). She does this because she's a working mother and trying to support her family so her child(ren) will have a good life. She gets so cuaght up in that, she forgets why we could that special couch.

I'm in Information Technology, anyone who knows anythign about computers know that technology changes so fast, if you are "out of the loop" for more than 3 months, you might as well start all over. So I try to stay on top of it all, for what? We don't NEED my income. Granted it would be nice if I was the one providing for my family instead of my wife having to do it. But she was lucky enough to find a fabulous job, doing what she loves, and getting paid respectfully for it too.

We both agreed at one time, now that we have a family, that one of us should stay home with the baby, we agreed that woudl be me. We were both 100% fine with that arrangement.... until... stress. Stress for her because now she HAS to make sure she can provide for herself, her husband, and a baby. She needs to make sure that she does whatever she can to secure that job. Secure that income. Stress for me, becuase I'm not used to being a SAHD. I've lost connection with the world, as I'm sure a lot of women who end up staying home to take care of babies might feel (othe SAHDs too).

We had no release. Roadtrips stopped becuase you can't put a baby in a carseat for a 18 hour trip accross the country.

My release was going back to work, but all that really did was put more stress on us both... is the baby safe with "someone else". My wife never got that release... she could have, if I just spent "Us time" with her on that couch and let her watch her shows.

Without even realizing it, we used to give one another back rubs while watching TV. Those were great. To get as well as give. I loved rubbing her back and listening to the little soft mons she's let out while really into whatever was on the TV at the time and her not even realizing she moaned... another reason we bought the couch...

I made a crusial mistake leaving my home. I'm not cetain I can get back in, but if I do my priority is my family. I am not going to worry about what's on TV or about the research and/or testing I wanted to do in the lab. I'm going to be attentive as always to my son. I'm going to talk WITH my wife, not TO her, and I'm going to LISTEN to her to show her she can talk WITH me not AT me. When the boy goes to bed, I'm going to give my wife the TV remote and do whatever it takes to gentlely remind her we bought this couch for a reason.

TOMK, I am very glad that you have come to this realization. I was reluctant to post on your thread, because it was going in a direction with which I disagreed, and I didn't feel like arguing. Your excess time on the computer away from her certainly contributed to her unease. It sounds like you were both very out of touch with each other, very little intimacy. Couple that with pregnancy hormones, an ex-wife and kids....your whole situation just snowballed out of control.

I would be willing to bet that she has regrets as well she should.

I am far from convinced that your W has been unfaithful, let alone carrying an OM's child. If she was, why wouldn't she have kept the STD a secret? Why get so angry at you?

I believe that if she had posted first, rather than you, many people would be viewing your situation in a different light. Pregnant wife, STD, H on the computer into the wee hours, wife working long hours to support the family, money problems...you get the idea.

I hope that things work out for you. It sounds as though you are growing in the process.

Take care.

PK

SO TOMK wasn't your lawyer meeting with the D.A. last night? What became of that?

And... I'm dying to know if you have any word on keeping your son tomorrow night.

BTW... none of us wants your W to be involved in an A. We are merely pointing out the "red flags". None of us knows for sure that there is an OM. It is good for you to be mentally prepared for anything at this point, however.

PK... I've alwasy been a hard learner when it comes to life's lessons. Direct quote from my Nana, God rest her Soul. But... in light of all this, if I do get back home and back with my family (even if I don't actaully) I'm going to try hard to start going back to church. 5 years ago when I lived in Florida I was going, and ended up 'joining' a little group that got together once a week besides church. Unfortunate for me most of my freinds there were women and since my wife is a control freak (Actually I am begining to think she's more JEALOUS than controlling?) I haven't kept in touch with any of them, though i'm sure if i sent an email it would be met kindly...though i dont have the addresses any longer.

I think going back to church will help the foundation of family time, that's why i want to go back. To be honest, except for my years in FL, once I got out of CCD classes i stopped going altogether. ...another subject for another time perhaps.

Lawyer & DA meeting...
Apparently it went well, he called me FIRST THING this morning to tell me he and the DA read the emails together, discussed, and the DA is preparing paperwork in my favor, or he is preparing it and delivering to the DA to sign or somethign liek that?

My son tomorrow....
Pending paperwork from the DA to a judge (my lawyer said he'd hand carry if needed) there is a "good chance" for me to have my boy all weeekend, regardless of her "offer" to let me have him just overnight. I have 2 emails, not sure if I shared them here yet ot not, telling me what a jerk i am for not trying to see my son and not contacting her on her offer to take him overnight Friday. These emails have been faxed to my Lawyer, couriered to the DA this afternoon, and hopefully will make her case about supervised visitation in a state facility null and void and I can have him at least every other weekend NOW and 1 overnight during the week. OH and the RO is going to disappear by monday as well. He hopes anyway.

THANK YOU all for giving me the push and direction I needed. had I not been on this site, I'd be wallowing in self pity again thinking nothing I ever do it right.

Still strong, still calm, still focused.
TOMK.

Emails posted to try to show the mentality my wife could possibly be having. I still cannot figure out what all this really means. Other than she's PO'd that she doesn't know where I am, what I'm doing..yadda yadda yadda...

She actually had the nerve to email my exwife and play nice... she can't stand my ex and constantly calls her names, not to her face, to me...

Anyway... have a look and please give me your thoughts?? As usual only edits i make are to remove names. Sent today 8:30AM

Now why on earth did she send THIS to me??? Somethign you can't see on this is that she not only BCC'd me, but apparently BCC'd this Eric person too as his email address is not int he "to' feild.

sent tonight 6PM

TOMK, I see what you mean about control. She doesn't have it now, and it's very upsetting to her.

Apparently she does not understand what a RO means. It would appear that she is having regrets, big time. Act in haste, repent in leisure; not an easy lesson.

But I am having difficulty seeing her as a WW. Something doesn't compute. She's far to eager to engage you, to tell you of her broken heart, to remind you of choices that you made that you will regret, to tell you about your son missing you. Sounds more like a BS than a WS, frankly. Others may disagree.

I'm not an expert, but your marriage seems salvageable to me. Keep your impulsive tendencies curbed. Act, don't react.

And the email about the car? She's letting you know that she's suffering with a problematic vehicle. It's supposed to tug at your heartstrings.

PK

First REaction is to drop off my car at the dealer for her and get the rental myself. She needs to be in a safe car.

If I step back I think.... this is a ploy for exactly that, she knows I'd drop off my car for her, now she has both and i have nothing...a rental I end up paying for. Another thought is... already establishing alibi for strange car in the driveway all weekend...

I want to believe she hasn't cheated, but the fact remains... she has and STD, I don't. Where did it come from?

I'm sure she's regretful. Of what though, I cannot be sure. All I can do (legally) is wait.... and prepare.

Yes, you are SO CLOSE, don't let her emails get you to do something she could use against you. Right now you have a very good case.

Hang in there.