You are doing great TOMK. At this point DO NOT react to her emails. WAIT until you get the green light from your attorney. THEN you can start implementing MB. Start planning your first NON-LB conversation with her. Be prepared. Maybe even get ready to send a NON-LB email telling her what you found out about the STD (as in you don't have one), that you love her, that you love your son, that this has all been a big misunderstanding. YOU take charge of your marriage. Be the MAN she needs you to be. I personally don't think she's in an affair but even if she is and IF you still want her, this would be a good first step. But DON'T send it until you get the go-ahead. You might even run a draft by us so we can help you with it.

Someone NEEDS to tell me there is no OM. Witht he email about the car yesterday, and the email about watching the baby for her overnight tonight, and ...she hasn't been logged into IM all day. My mind is wondering if she's even going to a retreat for work today/tonight if if this is a weekend/night away.

But... as I type this I say to myself, duh, she's on retreat TODAY into tongiht and tomorrow... just like the last one she went on. So that could be why she's not online today. Stop, step back, and THINK TOMK... don't react.

OK... so then, where the HE double hocky sticks is my son?!?!?!?!

NON-LB email.... funny you netion that, I've been working on a draft for weeks...
And I planned on posting it but thought... how would that be taken here? I DO need the help, but to post somethign like that I just thought weird...

I'll finish what I have, edit the names out and post over the weekend.

it basically tells her every reason why I love her (still) How much I LOVE being a Dad, how much I love my boy, though that's obvious, and how much ...even through all the S H * T she put me through recently I want to be there FOR HER and this baby.

I just hope I cna get home for the holidays... they are so close, and I will not do well if not with my family.

I think before telling her how much you loved her, you'd want to get some answers to these questions...

Dear W,

How did you get an STD?

Why did you lie about me to the police?

Why did you get a RO?

How can I trust you won't lie about me to the police again?

~ Marsh

How is this MB? Sounds like it's trying to pick a fight. Why not open restart the communications in a LOVING way? Then get to the brass tacks (re questions above).

I dunno. Just my .02.

I'm worried about what might be going on.

And what she may do next.

~ Marsh

Well once the RO is lifted he'll be back on a level playing field. If she is up to something, then his opening communication as an email can be documented... it's in writing. No false allegations can come from that. And her response will also be in writing.

YOU'RE worried??? So am I!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just got back to the office... she's online now. Not that it amtters... she could be anywhere using anyone's system. Stop thinking stop thinking stop thinking...

LOL

And well you should be.

Listen to PM, she's obviously much nicer than I am.

But, go slowly and carefully...and starting w/ e-mails is the way to go. Get as much as you can from them before taking her calls or seeing her in person.

In fact, I wouldn't tell her, right away, that the RO has been dropped, that way she will continue talking to you in e-mails...and you can get as much as you can in writing.

~ Marsh

I think maybe there is a middle ground between what Marsh and PM are saying...The STD would be of great concern to me if I were you TOMK-and I know that it is-so that is where I would start (ala Marsh), but give her an out (ala Meggy)...You tell her that you don't have the STD and that you are very worried about her and feel that she likely got a false positive...Say that you'd like to take her and have another test done because you are so very concerned about her health as well as the baby's-tell her you'd like to make it a day of pampering even-doc. appt-lunch-massages-whatever...Voila...She feels cared for and you get your answer...Her response to that offer should be quite telling...

Mrs. W

Perfect, Mrs. W!

Brillant actually!

~ Marsh

Excellent. What woman wouldn't go for a day of pampering?

Mrs W...
When i get home and post my copy...it's amazing how close you were to what i have already written.

Even though I did no wrong and I feel i NEED answers, I'll "kill her with kindness" to get what I need, and go from there.

Side note, no word from my attorney today, and as late in the day as it is. I guess i won't be seeing my boy this weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Gives me more time to PLAN my stragedy though... always thinking positive <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

3 unasked for drivebys tongiht since 4:00. (thank you co-workers)
Her car is in the driveay, lights are on so she's home. No other evidence of anyone else there.

She was logged in to IM tonight too for a short while during one of the phone calls I got saying she was "clean" ...as they have dubbed it.

So this is the letter I have been writing, and re-writing, and re-writing for when I can actually communicate with her again. I'm not sure i want all thsi in a letter, some things I want to say to her and see her reaction. but I guess it's in my best interest to do it this way for now. I can always reiterate what it says right?


L,
I tried to leave because I felt so lost. I can’t honestly remember the last time you actually looked into my eyes, the last time you touched me in a loving way, or the last time you had anything nice to say to me. I tried to leave because we both needed space. I love you. I have always loved you. I’m sorry for my behavior lately, I’m sorry I’ve been so disengaged from our relationship. Instead of letting the woman I love know that she’s crushing my heart with all these accusations of having some sort of online affair and distancing myself emotionally from it to try to stop the pain, I should have said something. I should have tried harder to find a way to make you certain you could trust me. Instead I just went to a world where I’m comfortable…my work.

You know I have no schooling for what I do and that I’m gifted enough not to really need it. I learn by doing, not by reading. I setup the “lab” downstairs to help me learn, period. I’ve always had some sort of lab setup. What I should have done was tell you, no…. look into those gorgeous green eyes that captured me so many years ago. Look into those eyes and ask. Ask you to look at me, see my pain. Understand that I’m trying to find a way for you to know in your heart that there is no reason for all these accusations. I should have asked you to look into my eyes so I could tell you, I love you. You are my everything. You gave me a family, my family means everything to me. My family means everything.

One of the first emails you sent to me after my arrest was you asking me to obey the bail conditions and the restraining order. I have done exactly that. Lately you get upset with me that I don’t try to communicate to you. I can’t. I do not want to go to jail. What good would I do my family there? Please understand that I wanted nothing more than to be able to talk to you, and I’m so grateful that I am able to now. I do not know how I could go on in this world without being able to talk to you. You are my son’s mother, you are my wife.

I was leaving on my own that night because I had realized something was terribly wrong in my life and I needed to find a way to fix it. 3 days prior, you accused me of giving you and STD. Something that can also harm the baby. I know you remember the look on my face. It was not a look of oh no I’m busted. I was in shock, denial, a state of confusion, and helplessness. My very first thought was oh my God, the baby. Will the baby be ok? Then I realized you had accused me of giving this to you. And my thoughts went to ‘how is that possible?’ We’ve both been tested before we were married and after. How can this horrible thing have come into our lives? Then I thought of you… not of me, of you. My God I cannot even begin to imagine having life inside me and its very being threatened. You must be in so much pain, what can I do to ease it?

For the rest of the weekend I was in turmoil trying to figure out a way to ease your pain and your stress. We both searched online for an answer. How could this thing come into our home? Sadly we both found only the one way. We fought about it Saturday then Sunday we went north and shopped, but I didn’t’ say anything about it, I didn’t know what to say. Maybe that’s why you snapped at me on the way home? Because I ignored the problem, or so it seemed to you anyway. I never let on that I was a mess inside. Something I know I need to work on with you…. Communication.

Sunday night came and went, Monday morning I went to the Dr to have my own set of tests done, I asked for the complete gamut of testing. Then I researched the ****** out of this disease trying to find another way it can be transmitted. I called the Dr, I spoke with a nurse and a lab tech. They all say the same thing, this STD is transmitted one way only. But I found some hope. I found that this disease can lay dormant in a woman, verified it with more research, and then called the court house to find out if I could give you the information I had found. I was able to give you that letter during my second civil standby.

You have accused me of cheating and you were convinced this time because you had proof, you had an STD and you got it from me. I have been faithful to you but for as long as you’ve been accusing me, I’ve been unsuccessful in proving so. I was hopeful that this dormant theory would give you doubt, but it did not. You say you spoke to your Dr and were told dormancy is not possible. So you must have gotten it from me.

I got my results back 3 days later. That’s when your Dad saw me in town. That’s what I was doing, getting my test results. L, my results, all of them, came back negative. I don’t have an STD. I was tested 3 days after you told me you had an STD, 3 days later I got my results. You didn’t get it from me.

I left because I knew this already and the thought of you cheating took the breath from my lungs and the beat from my heart. I left because I was in denial that you could have cheated and I wanted to stay in denial. Knowing anything different would devastate me. I found hope when I found the dormant theory. I want to believe that you have been faithful in this marriage too.

I love you.

I believe that you love me.

You are my wife and as your husband it’s my responsibility to keep you safe. I’m worried and scared. I need to be there for you, regardless of anything else. We should go together, to another Dr or even the same one and verify you didn’t get a false positive test, for your health and the baby. I’m certain you are so stressed now too, that isn’t good for a pregnant woman or her unborn child. I need to be there like I was with our son, on the couch we bought for a particular reason. The couch we shopped and shopped for to find the right one. The couch for “couch cuddle time”. To be able to rub your back and listen to those soft moans again…. Even our son could help me this time.

We need to reconnect, I think you know it as much as I do. I know I said I was leaving the day I was arrested. And I was, but you know I was coming back and we were going to work on this. I’d be back by now but something outside of my control is preventing that. I am very much looking forward to looking into those devilish green eyes and showing you just how much I adore and love you. We married for love. When love wasn’t enough we didn’t do anything about it. Let’s change that. Let’s save our marriage and live our lives together as a family.

All I am, for you.
S


Anything I should add? remove? reword?

edit to remove names

It's beautiful.

She's a lucky girl.

Edit out her name in the eighth paragraph of the letter though.

~ Marsh

That's a wonderful letter! Good job.

tomk -

Nice to see you have an atty and focused on a plan.Keep going. Did you get RO lifted for the weekend as you had hoped? Hope you get to see your family soon.

No RO lifted. My bail conditions remain the same. That's not to say my lawyer isn't trying. In the breif time I met him, I feel completely comfortable with his attitude towards my case and am confident he will do all he can. He's told me he will contact me when he has news and I am to feel free to contact him at any time.

Though I miss my son dearly, wish my wife the best right now, and hope that everything is OK with the baby, I still feel on track and focused.

I'm working on another version of my letter too. I'm not 100% certain I like the way this is worded and some things need also be said.

I honestly thought this was going to be another LONG and rough weekend, but today is almost over, that's half the weekend. No TV, not much PC, just in writing out my thoughts and feelings, and composing this other letter.

....Oddly, I feel pretty OK just sitting here and listening to the hands on the clock on the wall tick.... and thinking.

Got an email...as usual, after being outside all day with my 2 neices, nephew, and my other 2 kids. The email tells me she is still 100% convinced I cheated. She wants explanations and the fact that i have not tried to give them too her means i want out of this marriage and to be whith whomever she thinks I have been with. Things couldn't be farther from the truth... though she sent me an image of an email I sent her years ago. basically the same issues i think...i stopped reading it and reread her email to me.

I WANT SO BADLY just to send one little note saying "please be patient, you should know I can't jepordize going to jail. Please wait for me so we can talk before you go any further with any of this".

But I know if I send that.... my whole plan is shattered. I need help not to reply. Best thing right now is to get off the PC and go back outside. But I will be thinking about this and staring at my laptop when i come back in...

...think of a way to reply.

Help.

Could you contact indirectly? Through a friend or family member? I don't know if it would change your plan, if you have been told no contact, by one of the Harley's then i would listen to them.

Ryan.