ok friends....did I really screw up at the wedding? Does it appear I'm making any progress with my co-dependency/enabling?

I will say my WH is making progress with O&H...I asked him last night, what's your take on my behavior at the wedding. He honestly said he didn't think I did anything wrong, I didn't cause a scene, he could tell I was upset when I walked outside but no one else would have noticed, however he does think I over reacted but given the high emotions of the wedding and the overbearingness of the "new" extended family not so much and definately not in front of anyone.
I told him thank you for being honest. Surprisingly it didn't hurt my feelings, I took it as I had asked his opinion and he gave it in a calm manner.

Hey hey hey...I did the link in my signature!!! Thanks Acey!!!

mvg,

What I saw was appeasing of in-laws...and it's an exceptional situational appeasement. Crossed your own boundaries...felt that resentment. Reasonably, this was for a one-day...consider what your future enforcements will be, though...if...when...

I think that's what built up to emotional reaction you had to your DD's statement. Happens when we feel appalled, don't state, don't own...and "take" what's given...then what it was all for...your DD's happiness on her day...isn't enough...you still get dunned, not rewarded, you feel very emotional. The payoff wasn't there.

And I read where you know it was...and your fear is that her opinion is valid and yours isn't...when in reality, both are...as you told yourself...now, believe yourself.

We can react cumulatively from similar past hurt, incidents, and expectations...and we can react to the future in the same way...that the ILs will be this way to us...which isn't real...can sure give you real fear, anger and fear of it, though, can't it?

Because you don't know what they will do or how they will act...only you can learn to say no, living to your own code. And no, thank you for asking.

Learn this language...because it's not about what they're entitled or you're entitled...what you earn or don't earn...or others. It's about knowing and enforcing your own boundaries, holding yourself to them, amending when YOU cross (and you did cross your own boundaries) and stating your stuff as yours.

Weddings and Funerals may be the big exception. Daily stuff, holiday stuff, vacation stuff? Needs to know what you predetermined you'd do and would not do, with progressive enforcements already in hand, which you practice.

Do you fear being the reason others hurt? Despair? Feel anger or frustration? Think about if this is your self-image (the one you made as a child, how you want to be seen by others, including our family, so you can really be) or your true self?

What if your worst fear is that you're enough, equal, separate from everyone else, and marvelously made? If that were your fear, would you react to it, or understand it?

LA

P.S. I have a real bias here I want to share...when humans set out to MAKE "perfect" days...then we are really into the fantasy of being responsible for what we don't control. I believe weddings are about unifying and witnessing unification...there's not a thing smooth, perfect or unmarred in that...real life is how we choose to act, rather than react...weddings are the best place to start...and where the highest expectations seemed acceptable. Seems like a fantasy start for me.

LA, Thank you again for a thoughtful response.

I did cross my own boundaries. That's exactly why I felt/feel bad/sad. UGH!

Do you fear being the reason others hurt? Despair? Feel anger or frustration? Think about if this is your self-image (the one you made as a child, how you want to be seen by others, including our family, so you can really be) or your true self?
Yeah I do. I've got alot of work to do on myself.

What if your worst fear is that you're enough, equal, separate from everyone else, and marvelously made? If that were your fear, would you react to it, or understand it?
I think that's exactly where I've got to DO the work on ME.

I do feel more secure with my own actions/nonactions right now because I do realize I am upset with myself in NOT holding my boundaries.

Thanks LA!

Boundaries are very difficult when you first start practicing them. Sometimes it is easier to start on people you don't care about, and then work up your efforts towards those you DO care for.

I had an awful time at first, and felt bad for maintaining boundaries. But I finally got the hang of it and now its like second nature.

Great tip, Believer. Thanks.

Ace

Mvg,

About that "lot of work on myself" stuff...I'm hearing major overhaul, which can exacerbate feeling down when we don't enforce appropriately...

So I wanted to size, or offer a re-apportion this perspective...up to you, your choice.

I perceived the same way when I first came here...overwhelmed myself. Important difference I learned along the way was that this overhaul wasn't an overhaul...it was actually learning to the left.

Consistently.

Takes time, intent and ownership to make different choices...and you gotta be brave. Course, we already know you are...you'll know it, also, as you begin to do it.

As I said...wanted to emphasize that we have allowances for special occasions...hard to tell when or where to draw those lines when it's one week or one day...not a re-occuring permission. I think God gave you this experience to aid you in seeing your widest boundaries...your own reactions and beliefs (some assumptions) behind them...he's loving you greatly...which is why this isn't an overhaul, a recreation (we already went down that path with self-image and we KNOW it doesn't work...sure can keep doing it, though).

And listen to believer...she examples healthy boundaries...she knows. And she's been at it longer.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Believer I'm going to be looking at your posts to learn more. And you are right, I do feel bad for maintaining the boundaries, I fell right back into the enabler/co-dependency person with the 'it's all my fault'. I AM not that powerful. I just have to keep remembering I'm not.

A story of my 'powerfulness' -until recently I felt I made my H marry me. We dated all thru highschool and that's all I talked about marrying him. Yes I loved him (at least what you think as love as that age).I felt he just gave in, thinking ok she's ok, I'm eventually going to marry anyway why not her, I like her alot so what the heck we'll get married. Now that I'm learning about co-dependency I realize I COULDN'T make him do anything he didn't want to...for whatever reason. I also realize that I wanted out of my mother & stepfather's house so badly- I have allowed bad behaviors from him because I was so GRATEFUL he got me out. UGH!!!!

I did this yesterday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Some old guy tried to flirt with me and I simply said "I don't appreciate your comments".

He said "I'm just trying to be friendly". I gave him 'the look' that said " enough".

That was it. End of issue. I had to discuss minor details with him later, but it was aaaalllllll business.

Amazing. Before I would have been afraid of hurting his feelings and probably flirted back, thinking I was validating him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> He was a perfect stranger,....who I didn't care about once I inacted Believer's suggestion.

Thanks.

Ace

mvg,

I am amazed at how similar (but opposite) our sitchs are. My H said "God told me to marry you" and I agreed so I "wouldn't be left behind" (at 19 years old!!!!). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Glad LA is helping you as much as she is helping me. WE are NOT that powerful, are we. But in owning my stuff, I can change what I can control one baby step at a time. We may not have married for the right reasons, but we can change those reasons now as they relate to why we are staying married......34 years later!!!!

Ace

LA, I wanted you to know how touching your statement is to me. Thank you.

I'm not feeling to well today, UTI &/or Kidney stones so I'm going to leave my comments at that for right now. Maybe when pain meds kick in I'll be back.

Ooooh, posting on pain meds...fun!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Okay, fun for me to read.

Hope you are drinking water like a fish for those stones, mvg. AmIOK got one earlier this summer (in June, I think) and posted about it on her thread. Really brought the pain home to me...so I'm cringing with ya.

(Good to know you felt touched by my statement.)

LA

((mvg))

Do take good care of yourself now. Rest well.

At the moment feeling better well not as painful as the last couple days.

Believer thanks for your comments. Boundaries are hard. And I still haven't gotten to your threads...but I will.

Ace thanks for all of your support. Amazing how similar things are and how WE do have certain strength (power) to only to do so much. Thank goodness we or at least I am starting to see the "s" on my head isn't for superwoman! LOL and we'll just leave it at that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA, your contributions on my threads are so helpful. Takes me some time to digest all you say but I'm so grateful you're saying it.

With an ever grateful heart, mvg

Yeouch! Kidney stones! Hope you feel better soon.

If you continue to listen and follow the advice of LA, believer and others, you will begin to heal. It's ever so slow, but worth the effort. Don't try to tackle it all at once, let the lessons come to you and practice as you go. Read whatever you can get your hands on. I'm currently reading "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie; "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, and "Feel the fear, and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers.

There is a really good book about Boundaries out there, but I can't remember the author.

A good one is Boundaries in Marriage by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Mvg, you are such an inspiration. I do hope your medical issues ease a bit, but your emotional quest to 'heal' is to be commended.

Keep taking baby steps, asking questions, conquering issues....one by one....and it will amaze you as solutions start to unfold. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I may not post much, but I'm reading and learning right along with you.

Ace

per Acey's suggestion, I'm reposting a "smile" that I had posted on her thread.

Hey Ace I hope you don't mind I wanted to post a smile...

Wednesday I was having alot of pain. Went to doc, wanted me to go to hospital for c-scan to see if kidney stones or some other ailment they might see on scan. H works about 2 hrs. away outside work. It was raining, I called H just to see if he was coming home because of rain. He said possible if another storm came up, but why did I ask. Told him I had to go to hospital, he immediately thought someone in family was there...no no no I just have to go for a test but if you were on way home I was going to get you to drive cause pain on right side and a tad hard to drive, but I could do it. (smile 1) He said we are on our way home now, I'll meet you at hospital after making sure I was ok to drive.
He calls his boss and tells him they are leaving due to rain and me. Boss says I really wish you stay...(smile 2) H says well some things are more important!

jcool thanks! Pain is easing just not very quickly. I did have a uhhuh moment...duh....I was taking pain pills wrong...BUT I need 4 a day NOT 3. Hoping tomorrow is better and I can follow instructions.

silentlucidity I've heard of the Chapman book, I'm going to look for it. I just found out in our tiny rural area (but with a couple colleges nearby) we now have a BARNES & NOBLE book store! YEA!!! cause the local libraries are not so good. I'll also check for the boundary books.

Ace, I'm an inspiration??? Geezzz for once don't know what to say...I feel honored. I'm learning so MUCH from all of you here!!!

I'm really inspired by 'The Language of Letting Go'; it has helped me to understand what many have told me to do over the last five months.

I hope you feel better soon, mvg. Good for you reaching out to your FWH in your time of need. I know that took a lot of courage.

Believer...can you point me to your thread of your sitch? You've been commended as a boundary pro and I just wanted to see where you've been and how you got there.

Sl, I'll check on that book too. I hadn't thought of it as courage but I guess it was. And thankfully he didn't let me down. phewwwww. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />