Ace I posted a response on the enabler thread but here it is too.

Ace, I'm not sure about the typo thing...the book is called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Chapman believes there are 5 'languages' of love such as, words of affirmation, quality time,receiving gifts,acts of service, physical touch. VERY much like MB but gives some specific examples and how to recognize. So far I'm only a little ways into the book, I like it. I can't wait to get to the part of discovering your personal love language. He says each of us has a primary 'language' and we 'fill our love tanks' when our language is used by our spouse and others. Like EN's.

Since my H hasn't used my ENQ I'm hoping this might be easier for him to understand. He's making so much effort and I SEE these changes but it's not exactly what I need.I feel ashamed to even say that, but it's true. I need 'words' and 'actions', not just actions. I'm also hoping this will help me understand him better.

I finished the book. It was very good. Very much like EN's but gives examples.

Now I'll see if H honors his word and reads it.

Saw your post and thanks for re-sharing it here.

Glad you liked the book. Is it something you might be able to read with him.....together....out loud.....a little at a time? I may have already mentioned this but it's something that has helped my DH and me.

We're reading Fall in Love, Stay in Love now. It's slow, but good for both of us. And we are able to discuss things now without LB's like we started out doing.

Ace

I don't think he would be receptive to reading together, especially out loud. It would be a nice intimate time though. I'll ask him.

That sounds like an interesting book also. I see my book collection growing leaps and bounds by all the suggestions throughout various threads.

I did just order Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend as I still need to define better. I do feel like I'm making progress however I'm sure it will take time and possibly slips here and there. There's alot to unlearn!

I haven't heard from LA in some time....I don't know if she gave up OR it's a sign I'm going down the right path.

Oh by the way, after reading the 5 Love Languages, alot of what LA was trying to explain to me REALLY hit home. An Ah-ha moment.

I can admit, today right at this moment I'm happy. I'm happy with our progress. I'm not dwelling on the 'still in the works' stuff, I am enjoying the moment today.

Thank you ALL for that. I don't think I would've been able to do that alone.

Just caught up on your thread. I am glad that you are feeling happy with your progress right now. LA has shown me that we are making more progress than I thought we were. But also that I still have much to work on. I am at the same place you are emotionally. I want so much to trust the changes I see in my H, but I just can't. I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Very scary time.

I am going to try to find the Love Lamguages book since you thought it was so helpful. My H doesn't like to read either. It is a hang up in our recovery process for me. I am trying to find ways around it.

I have also been missing LA's comments. I hope she comes back soon. I feel that I have so much more to learn from her and lots of questions about how to apply what she has shared so far.

Where am I?

Hey, I can get lost, too, ya know. You are all on the right path...and I only post when something resonates in me...like, uh, shame.

:}

Mvg...so, fork it over now...what did you find out where your love languages? You got more than one...is your primary words of affirmation? Secondary acts of service?

What's your DH's languages? What did you feel when you read the book?

Yes, there is a 300-page book report involved, apparently.

Learning to share what hurts and what thrills...what hits and misses...what is and what isn't...without judging how it's going to be received by others...is what I think MB is awesome for...so we will do the same with our spouses. Living in highest honesty and high awareness. May be the source of your happy feeling...in it together.

My DH likes to be read to...reminds him of something from childhood he can't remember...and he doesn't see it as motherly. We switch out chapters...and only do one chapter at a time. Don't assume what your H's stuff...ask and let the outcome go...share anyway...ESPECIALLY how you're feeling happy when you focus on your own power, growth, healing...focusing on abundance, not lack.

Now that I'm remembering...DH did fall asleep a couple of times when I read aloud.

LOL

{{{{{Acey}}}}}}}--looking forward to reading your vacation recap if I can find the right thread...

GC,

I may have missed your thread going by...bumping it helps me to catch a response...and I do feel embarrassed when I miss questions. When I first posted on MB, I believed I was a thread-killer...until I chose to stop thinking that way. Your bump is as important as my seeking you out...and between work and home computers having their bookmarks wiped out recently, I've been rebelling against reality and not doing a search when I darn well know I can.

You can choose to trust each act he does today...he did it. You can choose to focus on your acts today...and share. And share also what you didn't do (like LBs).

You've lived fearfully before...probably several times...not in control of what parents, siblings, others do...how it will affect you, change the course of your life. You are alive today, anyway. Feeling scared isn't a life-ender...and it sure can feel that way! The more you choose to act from love, the more you'll see and let in his love deposits.

If you're not feeling it coming in...check to see if you're discounting (fear is a prime motivator behind discounting) something...and know if you are, you're discounting yourself, too.

That's all I got...ask any questions...signal me...because so many here on MB can answer them...Star*fish, Ears_Open, HappyToBeHere, Acey, Mvg...ack, the list is too long. When we learn together, we all learn, correct?

I'll look up your thread, GC, and see what I've missed, 'k?

LA

Where am I?

Hey, I can get lost, too, ya know. You are all on the right path...and I only post when something resonates in me...like, uh, shame.

I just missed ya!

Mvg...so, fork it over now...what did you find out where your love languages? You got more than one...is your primary words of affirmation? Secondary acts of service?

What's your DH's languages? What did you feel when you read the book?

After reading the book and taking the profile my primary language is 'words of affirmation' and secondary 'physical touch'. There were several questions that I really wanted to pick both. They way it worked out for me: 1-words of affirmation, 2-physical touch, 3-Acts of Service, 4-Quality Time, 5- Receiving Gifts (with only 1 point).

I felt the book really explained via examples more of exactly what you have been telling me LA. Everything with the book and MB seemed to start fit together and I understood. (I hope).

I have no idea what my H's language is. I haven't even looked at the male questions. He responded positively when I said I'm through with the book if you would like to read it now. Asked him where he'd like me to put if for him. He told me, and said I don't think I'll read it tonight. Thats ok. NOW I'll see if he follows through. That has been his WEAKEST link, follow through. However, he has been doing MUCH better with that lately so I'm very hopeful. But if he doesn't, he doesn't. I'm just not sure how I should respond if he doesn't. Do I keep plugging away or accept he's only going to do what he wants when he wants to? I'm not sure. Right now I'm going with the feeling he will read it. If he doesn't I'll cross that bridge then.

LA, you're right I do feel we are in this together right now. I hope we stay in it together.

It's funny to see you write this and then have LA re-emerge to validate it. I knew that would happen. LA is ALWAYS reading, even if she is not posting. One time, Chrysalis and I were 'baiting' her on a off topic thread, and by golly she showed up within a day or two to defend herself and chastise us both in love like only LA can do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LA, you've changed my life so much that I am not even aware of all the ways yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Like mvg, when I learn things from other sources, something I heard from you suddenly slides over in the "Learned from LA first" category. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

On this special day of thankfulness, I want to say THANK YOU to both you, LA and mvg. In watching you, mvg learn and grow, I see myself doing the same.....and also it helps me see that there is hope for all of us in spite of the dips and drops in this recovery rollercoaster of life.

Happy Thanksgiving and enjoy your family time.

Acey

On this special day of thankfulness, I want to say THANK YOU to both you, LA and mvg. In watching you, mvg learn and grow, I see myself doing the same.....and also it helps me see that there is hope for all of us in spite of the dips and drops in this recovery rollercoaster of life.
Oh so true Ace! I've learned so much from so many people here! With a truly grateful heart I say Thank you to you all. I didn't think a month ago I would be where 'we' are now. I couldn't imagine the love I'm receiving from so many different people and places, especially from my H. The love I'm receiving is because of so many MBers showing me where it could come from', recognizing it, enjoying it. I feel so very close to so many here. Unfortunate that we found ourselves in places we never expected to be, but maybe that a very gentle reminder that everything is done for good with God's help.

Happy Thanksgiving friends, from a very grateful me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Time flies, doesn't is mvg. So glad things are going so well. I posted a new thought/subtitle on the Enabling thread. A new "YIKES" came our way last night. I realized that I am a major controller. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Check it out when you can.

If anyone else can help, please do so on the Enabling thread.

Thanks,
Ace

I did Ace.

I'm starting to get a bit anxious about H reading the 5 love language book...I really need to stop that. Geezz it's only been a couple days and T'giving thrown in too. I'm such a get right on it person and he's so much more I'll get to it one day, UGH!

How funny....my FWH is becoming a "get right on it" person and I'm nervous that he's stuffing too much of his "I'll do it someday" thoughts and might blow up one day.

UGH, UGH!!!

Ace

Ace that would concern me too. Have the 2 of you talked about that specifically? Could it be he really has changed and is NOT stuffing but if feels like it to you because it's different?

Hey MVG!

Wow!!! You're up early for a Sunday morning!!!

I posted on Acey's other thread... For me, I knew it was time to "let go" when Mrs. RIF started feeling comfortable enough with me to "let me have it" when I started trying to control her for her "past sins"...

At some point, the BS must let go of the past and start to trust their spouse again if they ever want to truly start rebuilding...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Mvg,

My DH hasn't read 5LOL. He knows what they are, though, because I shared my journey through that book.

Our MC asked him in session and he didn't read the book.

It's not against us...it's not FOR themselves.

Amazingly, my DH has your order of love languages. How 'bout that? And yes, mine are rather reversed...1) Gifts...2) quality time 3) words of affirmation 4) physical touch 5) acts of service.

I noticed something, btw, about myself in this ordering...I cheat. I do. See, I see gift of time, presence, touch, words, deeds...as all gifts. I think I scrunch them all into number one.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I see posting here on MB the same way...reading posts is like gifts to me, because they took time and thought space, brought presence, the process as an act of service, and definitely words of affirmation. Lots of those on this thread.

You say you don't know your DH's love language...not even a clue? Did you share your excitement in reading the book, talk about it, share what you saw were your children's love language, even your grandchildren?

And yes, I said to him, "I'm not conveying all this book really has...it's going through me to you. You might have a different experience with it."

Acknowledged my filter...shared anyway.

The more I held my fear and spoke anyway...the less I feared what my DH would or wouldn't say or do...what promises he would keep or not. I stopped cutting off my own receiving abundance through him...and what he did or didn't do.

Acey--thank you for opening your influence door to me...for feeling put down and knocked around and grasping the love it was coming from...along with my great esteem and respect for you. You did that. You allowed me into your life, in a very vulnerable and fearful time. Thank yourself, too, for your bravery, playing it by ear, and seeing your own way clear.

Because you did. I believe in doing so, you saw how much your choices matter. Now you're staying aware of your choices...where you're dwelling, what you're treasuring, and how you bring your light to MB and everywhere you are...

LA

LA, I have talked about the book, raved on as a way to understand each other better.

At this point I truly don't know what H's language is. I wonder if it's acts of service because that's what he is doing for me, which he hadn't in the past, he is 'trying' to spend time with me, not exactly to MB standards (he thinks just sitting next to me and watching tv is spending time..which it is), but not intimate, non-divided time. So I see his efforts. I do enjoy his acts of service and his sitting with me. I need more indepth intimacy too. I need more knowing his heart. I have shared with him my desires. I'm not sure if he's not ready for that or just won't. Maybe time will tell.

LA I have to admit I do cheat a bit too. I use this forum as words of affirmation...in additon to learning.

RIF I think you are right too, there has to come a time the BS has to trust again. I want to but I'm hesitant at this moment, I think it's a bit early. BUt I'm at least hopeful because I do want to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I need more indepth intimacy too

So why not be more intimate? What is your definition of intimacy? Mine has always been sharing what's on your mind, opening up, exposing that underbelly.

Regardless of our sitch, PWC has done this more in the past week than in the past six months. Part of the reason for this was *I* turned the TV off, and talked to him. I talked of my desires, owned my shortcomings and asked for what I needed. Now, in my case, these needs, for the most part, go unmet, but I feel better, more healed, for asking for them.

Things certainly have not gotten worse. In fact, I feel more OPENED UP, less afraid, because *I* shared, *I* was intimate. I finally understand that I was part of the problem in keeping us rutted. I even found myself being very honest in the moment. When PWC brought up a sore subject, I let him know how it made me feel, right on the spot, calmly.

I read books, and tend to throw out nuggets about them during conversation. I haven't asked PWC to read them. They're out in the open. He's welcome to read them (I have said so) but I leave it there.

Think of something that you want to discuss, and turn the TV off, even if only for 10 minutes, it's a start.

SL I've turned the TV off. And yes do feel a little better about sharing my stuff. I still so badly want him to share his. He doesn't. I have NO idea what's going on in his mind. I've asked, I get either no response, or nothing. It makes me feel shut out. He might not mean it that way, but that's how I feel. I've shared this with him still nothing. One of my most important EN's is conversation/words of affirmation. I don't know if the 'changes' (acts of service, doing things for me) in him are truly his recognition of needed changes, or just a way to appease me. I appreciate his changes and have told him so and that it makes me happy.

Right now I don't feel I KNOW the person I live with.

Oh, WOW! Same Same mvg. I know what you are saying, all too well.

Gosh, I have no words of wisdom, just to say that you have to remember to take care of YOURSELF. Do things for YOURSELF.

One of my top EN's is the same, mvg. I am also faced with the same response (what seems like resistance, from my perspective).

I also don't feel like I know the person I live with; you know why? Because I don't. That's up to him. He has to show those things to me. I will continue to be genuine, and show who I am. I will continue to make changes, because *I* feel better, stronger, happier.

That's it SL...they don't share all of themselves. I do have to give my H a kudos, he is TRYING very hard and making huge strides forward, it's just that something is missing...MY MOST IMPORTANT EN. UGH...I try to keep reminding myself he is moving forward, and maybe in time he'll open his heart and desires to me.

I think I'm making changes, inwardly, how I try to not enable, not control, not to assume, not to pressure. If I mess up I do recognize it much quicker and make amends.

I still want to KNOW my H though, his thoughts, desires, dreams. Maybe the miracle of Christmas will help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I hope and pray.

I shouldn't complain, he is doing well...but now that I've seen the gold at the end of the rainbow so to say, I WANT it. I want all of my H. I want a love so deep you can't measure the depth. Unrealistic? I don't know.