i am new so help me out. what do you do when you find out your h has had an emotional affair, ended it, wants the marriage to work, but goes back to the normal routine of "roommates" and not want to work on the marriage or the sex part? help!!!

Welcome to MB, I'm sorry you find yourself here but you've come to a great place to get support, information, advice.

tadaa can you give us some details, how long M, what was your M like before the EA, and children?

Got my haircut Tuesday, it was really getting out of hand. DH (dumb husband) didn't notice at first, when I mentioned something we were talking about in hair salon he said "I can't see where your hair looks cut"...to which I responded "well that's cause you don't really pay attention nor look at me." I didn't say it mean so I don't think it was a DJ BUT I did say it, didn't feel bad about saying, just stating my truth. Well lo and behold before he went to bed he says, ya know your hair does look cute from this angle!

Yea.... that happened to me also. Then my RB tongue kicked out and the next time I wanted him to see or understand something, I asked him to get into 'that position'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Of course he wondered why he had to be in such an awkward position to have a convo w/me. Then I reminded him that he was the one who told me that angle gave him better perspective. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> He got the point!

L.

ROTFLMAO Orchid! Very good!!!!!!

DH & I were having a chat of the days events Monday evening. I had gone to Doc for test results. Looks like hysterectomy is in my very near future along with removing gallbladder. I'm in the midst of changing insurance companies March 1 so I'd like to get the hysterectomy done before then just to be on the safe side of coverage. Well Feb. is a busy month for us, my birthday the next week his birthday, valentines day then the next week our anniversary.

A little history here, last year I received NOTHING for our anniversary not even a card. (There was no EA then that I know of) that hurt and he knew it. The last few years it's been pretty much like that, last year was the 1st without a card. That to me was a big blow. Well after DDAY he tells me he's been planning this surprise for us for our anniversary, a trip to the bahamas. KNOCK MY SOCKS OFF. Well of course I was pretty excited, but reserved cause he can promise things and then no follow thru. I at that time (Oct) mentioned you might want to check into passport requirements because they say it takes several months to get that done and it's necessary now.

Back to Monday....he says why don't you wait for surgery until after our anniversary so we can go somewhere. I said oh I thought we WERE going to the bahamas..he sat there STUNNED and said I haven't talked to a travel agent. Well no Sh%$! I know that! Disappointing to say the least in him.

Light bulb moment Thursday:
Another small thing yesterday with DH. We were both home due to bad weather. I was saying something to him that normally someone would respond to. He sat there and said nothing...so I asked him are you going to answer me? He repeated WHAT he THOUGHT I said, which was not what I said. So I repeated what I said, and again NOTHING. I was getting frustrated so I just went on about my business.

Later I went to him, got close and told him it's very frustrating to me when we're talking and he either doesn't hear (he does have some hearing lost) what I'm saying, or only picks up bits and pieces and puts together his own words of what I'm saying, or he doesn't pay attention. He looked a bit befuddled...again said nothing. I repeated again WHICH do YOU think it is. He did admit he doesn't LISTEN WELL/PAY ATTENTION when I talk alot of the time. AHHHHHH!!!! FINALLY something...anything to work with.

WHAT IS UP WITH HIM? I'm so frustrated and getting tired of this same dance over and over. Sometimes I wonder if he does this delibrately to make me want to leave, that way it won't be his fault. I could just choke him.

I'm not sure how long/or if he really cares it will take for this to really impact him. It's impacting ME alot and it's not good for him. I'm getting stronger in ME.

In the last week I've had to respond to him several times, IF YOU PAID ATTENTION you'd know. It's getting very old for me already. Something I've subconciously known I think, now just realizing the depth of it. I feel very stupid & or slow for not seeing it sooner but hey maybe better late then never.

Sure is funny/sad, he CAN pay attention when it comes to something he WANTS to do and SF.

End of the rant.

mvg,

First off, I'm sorry to hear about your upcoming surgery. Is it a complete historectomy, or do you get to keep your ovaries? Please let us know when the day comes so we can pray for you and send our loving thoughts your way.

As for your sitch, goodness knows I don't have a line on it. Have you considered asking if you can speak and setting a time, and at that time, speaking in a quiet room, face to face, so that you can be heard? To me, his actions smack of disrespect, but I could be wrong, he could be hard of hearing and embarassed. I dunno.

It seems more along the lines of disrespect.

And about this



It sounds like it's up to you to find a new dance, doesn't it. Change HOW you communicate and even WHEN. Don't sit and watch him fail you. If there is something you want, even if HE mentions doing it, then get to planning together. If he says BAHAMAS, and you think YAY!!!, but you KNOW that he is a procrastinator, then sit down and begin ironing out a plan TOGETHER. Make a date to get those passports, both of you go together. Ask him to join you online to research destinations and hotels and such. Make some finger foods, a little wine and start researching.

You are repeating OLD patterns, that I am POSITIVE many of us out here in the cyberworld are guilty of. This is not about FAIRNESS, it's about recovery.

We all pay MORE attention when it's something we want. The trick is pulling the attention of the other to something we want. Maybe go out to dinner and talk about the trip you would like to take and ask you FWH if you two can get online one night this week. It's not too late to go to Puerto Rico, where you don't need a passport, or to the Florida Keys. Maybe changing your destination is the ticket right now.

Oh wise SL! Thank you...change the dance. Gotcha

I do believe he is acting more disrespectful than anything. I know he doesn't hear well so I talk to he can. At times he says I'm too loud so I don't buy the he didn't hear me. But these are things I'm really coming to 'see' in him mostly due to this site and the great support. I'm sure I have my own problems, I do realize some and am dealing with changing those.

On surgery no date yet. Partial hyst. thankfully. I don't know if either of us would survive forced menopause right now....SSHHHEEEEzzzz I'm not EVEN thinking about that, way to scary.

I'll have to see if he'd like some assistance with anniversay if he still wants to go somewhere. We might need to put that off because of the surgery.

Thanks for showing me another way. (((SL)))

I have slowly been changing my 'moves' in the dance, the last being letting PWC know that I have been part of the problem, and that I am letting go. I can't say that I've seen major change, but *I* feel different. I don't think I had been ready to let him go, to stop the codependency movement in our home, until now.

I reached the decision that I can do it all, but I don't want to, and I stopped. If I need something, I ask for it, right down to scratching my back. When I heal more, and am more flexible, lets say, I plan on asking for cuddling and massaging from me to him and him to me. It doesn't need to lead to sex, but if it does, great! I can't really lay on my side now, and the pain keeps me at bay, but I get kisses goodbye and things are more relaxed, probably because I'm finally relaxed. I'm not thinking about tomorrow at all, only to plan events.

It's wonderful that you get to keep those ovaries, lady. WHEW!!! We need those hormones, especially that estrogen and TESTOSTERONE. Important things.

If the surgery doesn't get in the way, I say get away for a couple of days, even if it's only stateside. Florida is not that far away and you could get good rates if you do a search. And this last thing...


Why not ask him WHERE he wants to go, instead of IF? Positive statments. Suggest places that could be an alternative, get the creative juices flowing. If he is less than enthusiastic, let him know that it means a great deal to you to plan this together, and that you long for the time with him.

You are a good friend SL. Thank you.

I have been doing better with depending only me for my own happiness. So it seems a step back to ask him but I can/will. It's just very personally disappointing when he has the idea/suggestion and then doesn't follow thru. I KNEW when he threw out the whole Bahama trip after my initial shock and excitement he wasn't going to do it. I did do the checking on the passports and gave him the info so he could DO IT. This is very typical of him. After awhile I get to the point of why bother it will only end up not happening and disappointing me unless I do all the planning & preparation for it. I really NEEDED him to do this on his own or ask me for help. I told him I'd help with anything he'd like. After this type of thing happening over and over seems cruel on his part. Sorta like telling a kid we're going to disneyland over and over then deciding a disney movie is just as good.

There comes a point HE needs to stand up and do something. I need him to, and he needs him to.

I might try and talk to him about the sitch and see what he says. It just doesn't seem to matter to him if I'm hurt, disappointed, happy, disgusted..nothing. He wants me to stay because he loves me. Apparentely I don't understand the man's way of thinking because this isn't LOVE this is my taking care of him, our home and our bills. I mean until a few weeks ago he didn't even know HOW to reach our daughters! And he hadn't thought of it until I asked him, didn't seem to concern him much, but I mentioned he might want to know in case of an emergency. He drives me crazy with this stuff! UGH.

Isn't LOVE suppose to be more personal? Caring? Concerned? Thinking of the other? I get crumbs. I can't seem to reach him in a way for him to see ME. So for now I keep up with the Goddess in training...feel good for me. Take the good times of us when they come. And try to find a 'thinking cap' for him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

At least today I'm not unhappy just typcially disappointed with my M, BUT I have RED toenails! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> If that doesn't make ya feel good nothing does! LOL

I hope you are continuing to feel better and stronger. Enjoy your snowman building with the little guy!

And again thank you...YOU make me think a little harder, consider somethings I discounted, and give me some perscpective. (((SL)))

I think recovery would look a whole lot different if we had spouses that were following a plan. As it is, we have to try things until something sticks. When you are really done, you will know it.

I also think, as a Goddess, that taking care of yourself FIRST is of utmost importance. Building your own esteem and believing in yourself.

I do believe that act of love is filled with more intimacy. It sounds like your husband's Love Bank is going strong, but yours is not.



Why not tell him what you typed above, especially regarding your let down. My husband won two tickets from a new airline over a year ago to anywhere in the continental US, which had an expiration this past July. Surprise, Surprise, we talked about going somewhere, but never sat down and figured it all out (financials, where to go, how long to stay, what to do with DS, etc and so on). If I had pushed, we probably would have gone somewhere, but I didn't, and was disappointed with him saying we would go somewhere, but put no effort into it.

Believe me, I hear you. I can only suggest to keep talking to him, that's all I got. I don't get a lot of responses about these things, as I think the GQII board is running over with more DIRE problems.

I do believe in limits, too, mvg. I haven't reached mine yet, but I'm done with our old song and dance; that's new for me. I'm just too tired to fight for this marriage right now, and need to put my strengths into my physical recovery. I was ready to let go, I just needed the right motivator, and physical ailment is a strong motivator to focus on self.

Believe me, I hear you. I can only suggest to keep talking to him, that's all I got. I don't get a lot of responses about these things, as I think the GQII board is running over with more DIRE problems.

I will keep talking. And there are definately more dire problems for folks to help with. I'm grateful for the responses I get. Sometimes it's just me venting too.

H was very sweet yesterday. Made my heart feel good. We did talk about the trip some last night. I didn't tell him how disappointing it was for him not to handle...I think when I am that honest it makes him feel guilty, rather than look for a solution, so I have to find a different approach when talking to him.

Me feeling good about me is very good. I hope you feel the same. And right now as much as I'd be tickled to death to have real connection, what we do have isn't horrible, not even bad, just not as good as it could be. And yes if "they" were following a plan I think it would be so much easier.

Sl you do need to focus on your recovery. Have you been surprised by your H's attention during this time? Maybe not exactly what you want, but it's better, right?

Right now I'm again praying for patience and understanding to help ME until "he" starts moving forward again. Oh and I did pray for a quicker response from God to move that stubborn man of mine! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My weekend so far has been a pleasant surprise. My H has been very sweet and paying a bit more attention to me and actually listening. YEAAAAA! Maybe just maybe my telling him that I felt he wasn't focusing on what I was saying when I talked made an impression. Crossing my fingers and saying a prayer.

He also started reading the 5 love language book. Without me saying another word about it. Another great surprise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope and pray this is the new beginning...

Things are still going in positive direction. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Prayers to all.

Sounds like the Goddess work is WORKING, mvg.

Hi mvg.....sorry I've not kept up on your (or many other) thread[s] the past couple weeks...will read what I've missed and chat later. Glad things are going positively.

Thanks for helping RIF on the early morning shift of the Vacation thread.

Acey

I certainly hope so SL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ace no problems here, you've been so busy. With my sleep habits, or non sleep habits I like to check in with RIF especially to see if he's outside the wire I like to send up an extra prayer for him and them.

Another nice surprise today. Goddess stuff is working <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.
H came home gave me a kiss and said hey you got your hair cut. I had to laugh got that done last week, remember. But I said no not today, you like it tho and he said yes! He hardly ever notices my hair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mvg,

Good for your H for noticing your hair.

Keep journaling here, it is very healthy to get this stuff out.

I'm a terrible sleeper, too. If I wake up, it's generally around 2 am. I've learned how to relax and shut my mind off by imagining fluffy clouds slowly moving by. It really helps.

I do occasionally take Lunesta, the stuff is great. It is non-habit forming and when I wake in the morning I feel refreshed, not hung over like some sleeping meds make a person feel.

Edited to add one more thing: If/when you do wake in the middle of the night, don't look at the clock. I had someone tell me that a few years ago and it does help.

LC

Wow, mvg. Just finished reading your thread events for the last two weeks. Seems to makes the hair comment a huge baby step. Maybe your 'mvg' should stand for Moving Goddess".

Way to go!!!! Keep it up.

Acey

When i am more confident and secure, others notice, including PWC. I've heard people say that I "light up the room". I never really believed them before, but I do now. Before the A's, I was like a shining star. I'm very outgoing, and goofy. I doubted myself there for a while, but SL's comin' back.

The Goddess thread has helped a great deal to show me that I AM changing. Since the weather is a bit warmer now, more like in the 30's instead of 0's, I've been wearing my camisoles or nightshirts to bed, for they are more sexy and soft. The only problem I'm having is that I can't lift up while I'm turning, so they tend to twist around my body throughout the night. I do like how I feel, though.

Sounds like you are more confident, too, mvg. People will notice.