Hi Ladies:

I'm so glad you are all in a better place these days.
When I feel like giving up, I come here and find more strength to go on.

I'm still trying to find an IC but it's been hard. I haven't got a good time slot yet.

H has been really good these days. Doing a lot of stuff. Initiating more and more.

I sent him a link on MB about the importance of answering my questions yesterday. He didn't reply, but didn't get defensive either, which I see as progress. I don't even know if he went to the link and read the thread...but I'm doing what I need to do and let him know how I feel and I think I'm doing a little better this time. I didn't use a blaming tone and stayed positive in my email, which I see as my own progress also.

I do see H carrying so much shame and guilt inside him and I sometimes feel true compassion for him. I don't think I could live like that for too long. I would just break down. But he keeps going, carrying all those stuff inside. It's like he is doing all the nice things to his kids, to his wife, to his parents, and only this way, he feels a little bit relief. It seems that he just doesn't dare to look back and he would do anything, including manipulating me to silence to prevent going back just for one second...What kind of life is that? It just makes me sad sometimes.

But that's him. For me, I need to know if I can live with this man and how. I wonder how you ladies manage to stay calm during high emotions. I truly have trouble and maybe need some professional help. I'm going IC basically for my own anger management and to clarify my head a bit also.

Today I'm very hopeful also, and thanks to you ladies for encouragement and inspiration.

Snow

Mvg,

Great job on making sure you DH knew it was about you and how you were feeling and he let down the defense.

Like I said earlier, he will be more cooperative to do things if he doesn't feel like he is being forced.

LC

Hey Snowy!

The only way I have managed to stay calm, was to NOT discuss things during a time of heightened emotions, and to recognize it as such (HIGH ANXIETY). Now that I've learned to recognize my emotional HIGHS, I've been learning how to calm myself down. Usually, I ask myself questions, and FORCE myself to answer them. I will ask myself if this anger is real or if I'm allowing the PAST to dictate my anger. I try not to look at how PWC was. I look at who he is today, THIS DAY, what he's doing, how he's reacting to me.

I dunno, deep breathing works to calm me down, too. I work on getting to the root of my anger. More times than not lately, I've found that it's really just me grieving, or looking at what PWC ISN'T doing, instead of staying on a positive track.

PWC retreats from my anger, and I can see why. Now that I'm not angry (or sad) all of the time, HECK, not even most of the time, we seem to be getting along better, hearing each other better.

Hopefully, this is a change that I can maintain. It seems that way.

Hi Snow, I'm glad you checked in I've been watching your thread and keeping you in my prayers. I know exactly how frustrating it can be when no or little progress is being made. Snow for me, I've been on AD's for awhile...been ALOT of stress in our lives in the last 3+ years, it's the only way right now I can function daily without loosing my mind. After dday I had an appt. with my family doc. I told him what was going on because I had planned to stop the AD's as I 'thought' life was getting more normal. Big haha on me. Well in addition to the AD's he prescribed anxiety meds. At first I took them as prescribed, had them up the amount I could take and now really only take them as I needed. THAT has helped tremendously in keeping ME on a more even keel.

If you have a family doc I'd inquire there on IC. Mine was able to give me a couple of names (very small rural area not many counselors) and set up the appointment. I've been very fortunate to have GREAT docs that are willing to work with me and not make me feel like I'm a NUTCASE. These are stressful times and you just don't magically get over the hurts, triggers, frustrations quickly, it's a process.

From all you've said it sounds like you are more frustrated rather than true anger. Your frustration might come out as angry but doesn't sound like that is the root.

I agree with you coming here DOES help tremendously. Sometimes for the pat on the back of it's going to be ok, and others of stop whining and get back on track. ALL good.

Thank you so much mvg and SL.

I finally got an appointment for counselling this Friday at lunch hour close to my work. I'll see if he can help.

Yes, it's mainly frustration and sometimes feeling hopeless.
Maybe some AD is good for me. H was on AD for six months and it helped him a lot. I will ask this doc about that also when it comes to that.

Now I'm feeling perfectly fine with life. I don't know why. But a week ago, I felt totally hopeless. The cycle has been over a year and I did try a lot of things, by coming here, by reading books, by talking and self control, but all seem not enough to make me through a monthly cycle of pain and frustration and it usually ended with both of us withdrawn and set back to square one...I just want to find a way to break the cycle, one way or the other. And I think taking actions like going to counselling is a good thing at this time. We will see.

I also did something that I have never done before. I started to organize a ski trip for this president's day weekend at my work place. I am so used to shy away from any attention and I never liked organizing things. But I think I am very much into change now and I feel like exploring into all different areas of life. I don't know if you have the same feeling, I think I got more exploratory on a lot of areas after Dday. I became less afraid. When I get afraid, I tell myself: if I could get through the pain of my H's betrayal, what else can't I go through? I think that's a postive change in me at least.

Sending positive vibes to you all...

Snow

I also did something that I have never done before. I started to organize a ski trip for this president's day weekend at my work place. I am so used to shy away from any attention and I never liked organizing things. But I think I am very much into change now and I feel like exploring into all different areas of life. I don't know if you have the same feeling, I think I got more exploratory on a lot of areas after Dday. I became less afraid. When I get afraid, I tell myself: if I could get through the pain of my H's betrayal, what else can't I go through? I think that's a postive change in me at least.

YEA!!! I do think going thru M problems opens our eyes to things that we are willing to try now, at least for me. I don't know if it's something to do with how long you've been M or what. I do feel more adventurous and needing some excitement.

Snow, do you find that your tension comes around about the same time as your menstral cycle? I have...it bites! That is really when I find meds help.

Sending positive vibes to you all...

Right back atcha! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Had dr. appt yesterday, have hysterectomy scheduled for Feb. 19. Hopefully will be laproscopically so recovery time would be much shorter and easier.

I hope all is well with everyone.

We had a really nice weekend. H & I covered my greenhouse so I can start planting seeds. It's been quite a few years since it's been operational and one of my requests that has fallen on deaf ears in the past. I'm very excited. I love growing plants.

He also bought at my request me an exercise bike so I can get some exercise without worrying about weather conditions or hunters to prevent walking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

AND he wants to go to the beach for our anniversary. Not the bahamas, but I think I have expressed my disappoint with his making big plans and not following thru. Going to the beach will be very nice, it's what we use to do every year for our anniversary, a long weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All in all a definate upswing in our R.

Way to go, mvg. Seeeeeeee, you can do this. Keep focusing on what you can control (and the positive) and your DH will be amazed at what he suddenly wants to do for/with you! Eventually it won't be amazing but natural to have these kinds of weekends.

When's the anniversary? Sorry if you said but I missed the date. Give us a heads up before you leave, K?

Acey

Well, well, mvg, sounds like things are looking positive for you two.

I agree with Acey, you can do this. You are implementing what you have learned and it's working. I think taking really good care of yourself if very important. We teach people how to treat us, and if we take care of ourselves, we teach them that we are to be treated with care and respect. You are doing well, keep it up!

Thanks both of you. Feels pretty good right now, I hope that lasts.

Ace our 30th anniversary is 2/18.

How's it going, mvg? Are you still planning a beach trip for your 30th? Before or after your surgery?

Hope it all works out for you.

Ace

Hi Acey! Thanks for asking. Supposedly he wants to go to the beach next weekend before my surgery, but I haven't seen or heard of any plans so I'm just waiting to see what happens. Since the bahamas is out for now, I don't really care where or if we go anywhere as long as HE is enthusatic about the anniversary itself (which he hasn't been in several years). I would like something romantic and I mentioned that, so we'll see.

I've been very lax about posting here and I got to thinking just this morning I do need to post because if anyone reads this it looks like I'm in limbo. RIGHT now things are good, VERY good. I've seen a major change in attitude in H and I need to post the good and the bad.

For the last week or 2 the majority of my EN's have been met. I'm starting to 'feel' his love instead of just watching his actions. It's a wonderful feeling.

Something a little weird tho...I have found if I'm less attentive to him, he's more attentive to me. I've been trying to be less attentive just to get my EN's met...I don't know if that's good or not or normal?

Sunday I arranged for the girls, GKs and respective partners to come over and have a birthday party for him. We both miss seeing the GKs and he seemed pleased when I told him they were coming. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had a situation at work that was very stressful for me for the last couple of weeks and that is now resolved. I tell ya working for a church can be VERY STRESSFUL. UGH! Hopefully now things will run smoothly for awhile at least.

So right now all is good. I go next week for my preop visit, xray and EKG. I'll be glad to have this behind me, praying that it takes care of the issues I've had and will be a relatively quick recovery.

AND I have been exercising on my bike twice a day, doesn't sound like much but for an unfortunate couch potato I'm making progress I hope! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> 3-3.5 miles a day. I'm trying to stick with that till after surgery, hoping it won't be so hard to get back to at least that much and increase the distance and intensity.

Thanks for checking in on me. I hope all is going well for you!

mvg,

I had to have a complete hysterectomy in 1995 due to all kinds of female problems. My was all done vaginally so no scars or anything (which was nice except for the fact that my DS was only 4 when i had it done and i did not have a boo boo to show him so he would understand why mommy could not pick him up). I do not know what your problems are but i can tell you that i have felt so much better than before i had it. I took hormones but only for about a year or so and have not taken them since. I do get an ocassional hot flash and the night sweats can get bad sometimes ecspecially when i am stressed but i would still rather deal with them than the side effects of the hormones. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Good luck on your surgery. I will be praying for you.

Maybe this trait (avoiding acknowledging when things are good) carries over to what causes your H's perception.

Just a thought that may not have any merit, but maybe it does. I had it too...now I've been making extra effort to point out all the good DH does, often ignoring what irritates me if it's just my perception.

I'll be praying for your surgery, too.

Acey

Thank you both!

SC, this will be a partial thank goodness, I don't think immediate menopause would be good for ANYONE now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> They also plan to do this laporoscopically. I had surgery a bit over a year ago (ablation) but due to fibroids really didn't help tremendously. I had to chuckle at the doc he asked me if I planned on using the uterus anymore! LOL

Ace, I'm acknowleding H's accomplishments even SMALL improvements to him. Not so much that it sounds insincere but enough ( I hope).

Interesting observation....I'm a very strong (normally) and independent, take charge kinda gal. Things he seemed to admire. I'm finding out he seems to make more efforts when I step back and REALLY allow him to be the 'man'. Quite the challenge for me when he's never showed these traits before. So keep me in your prayers that I'm quick & smart enough to allow him his true place.

So I'm up in the middle of the freakin night again! This is ridiculous! Even with a sleeping pill I'm not sleeping long enough. So I'll vent a tad....

What's up with DH (dumb not dear)?! SF is his biggest EN but no SF?!!!!! I've tried my darnest to iniate, nada....finally after 2 weeks I asked what's up (hahahaha)?
His response...I just haven't thought about it. ??????????

How can THAT response NOT be taken personally? How do I NOT start wondering..ok...is something else going on?, is it me?, am I not doing something right?,am I so sexually unappealing? Apparently my Goddess thing ain't workin for him! Makes me feel more attractive but apparently I'm not.

This living like friends is NOT for me.

So HOW do you meet someone's most important EN when THEY won't let you?!

A step forward, a bazillion steps back. This is getting OLD.
He had started reading the 5 love language book...he actually seemed interested and even said he could see himself in some of the descriptions. Then he stops. I've not said one word about it. Just when I 'think' things are going to be ok he starts withdrawing. I'm at a lost, and I'm building resentment. I don't even want to talk about it with him. It does no good. And worse yet, I'm still very dependent on his approval. What a dumba$$ I am. I don't know what to do to get him to see he lack of act is causing my love for him to fade. This gain ground lose ground is becoming a tired old ride I don't want much longer.

Ok vent over. Hopefully another day coming will be better.

mvg,

Sorry your feeling bad today. I too do not sleep well. Part of it is me I have always worked early hours so i think i kind of have an internal alrm kind of thing going on. I am usually awake around 5:00 am no matter what time i go to bed. Since the A i also wake up a hundred times a night. I usually go right back to sleep but it drives me crazy some days.

I do understand where you are coming from. My H has always had a very high sex drive and since the A it seems to have dropped dramactically and i too wonder the same things you have stated. He uses his illness and sugery from last year and the fact that he recently turned 50 as an excuse and maybe that is the case but it still makes you wonder (i know i should not use DJ but it is hard sometimes).

Well i guess we just have to keep chugging along. I hope your day improves <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SC

I don't blame you one bit for being frustrated, mvg. It's never happened to me....well, I should say 'seldom' cuz there are times when I will reach over and H will say "too tired". He is working 2 jobs, one very physical, and sometimes it's late when I get into bed. But he can never say that he's always ready now....a few years ago, yes, but not any longer.

Maybe it's a MLC thing or just an age thing.....do their hormones go nuts, too?

I would definitely check it out by trying to initiate a calm conversation....maybe saying something like "Is there anything you prefer that I do to help you think about it?" or something non-threatening like that.

Not sure what to tell you....keep seeking but try NOT to take it personally although I know it must be hard....(I mean 'difficult'). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Acey

Ya know I was going to delete my post. I'm very tired, I'm frustrated, and the more I thought about it the more it was a big old whine fest. Then I see what you 2 posted and I can't thank you enough. It might be a MLC thing, it just doesn't feel that way ya know?! After an A I wonder if that's just where your mind will always find itself? I'm sick of myself being so unsure always doubting and analyzing. I PRAY that goes away with time also.

Thank you for your support!