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Joined: Oct 2007
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Hi, I'm Joy... no its not a pun or joke thats really my name and I'm in a very bad situation. How can I salvage something so sacred that I've completly destroyed? its SO bad.
Well... heres the main scoop...

I got married when i was 19 on may 5 of 2003. We've been married for 4 years and through that we've had alot of problems that was mostly caused by eachothers neglect. I dont think either of us was really ready for marriage but we ignored everyone and flew on our incredible love for eachother. Through the last 4 years Ive hurt him... hes hurt me... and it caused us to not feel trusting of eachother and block out some very important emotions. but the major problem didnt happen until about 5 months ago when I said that I finally wanted a divorce... instead of saying we needed to fix it. after I had told him I wanted a divorce, my best friend of 3 years and I ended up getting close and started dating while I was married (and yes there was technically infidelity since we werent divorced yet, it had just been decided between the two of us.)
After a while my husband decided that no, he wanted to save our marriage, even knowing about my new boyfriend... and the one thing that hurts the worst... even after him knowing that I was pregnant with my husbands baby (I found out about a month after we decided to get a divorce) and in a panic not wanting to be a single mother i had an abortion without my husband knowing.
Even after he found ALL of this out at the last moment he begged me to make our marriage work... i told him it was over and I moved out of state with my new boyfriend.
That was about 2 months ago. Now the divorce is SO close to being finalized and I dont want it anymore! Its not that there was anything wrong with my best friend and I's relationship... we're so close to perfect and we love eachother so much... but I cant stop thinking about my husband and I've realized i miss him terribly and Ive REALLY messed up. big time. The problems we had werent even really that bad! I was rash about my decision... being childish and stubborn...
I want to make our marriage work and now he says "I didnt want you to go and you left anyways, you're not getting another one." and REFUSES to do ANYTHING to postpone or try to salvage our relationship.
He says he still loves me and really wants to be with me but that hed never be able to trust me again and that hed never be able to be with me without thinking of this other person i was with. He says that he vowed to himself hed never let me hurt him like that again...
Id give anything right now to make my marriage work and I want to postpone this divorce! how can I slow it down?!?! and how can I make my husband see that this whole situation has made me grow so much and that I realize how grateful I am for my husband... and that I realize how much our vows really meant... and that I want to make our marriage work that we CAN have that love we've had once before! we have this incredible bond that even divorce cant shake... and he's hellbent on making sure he keeps his vow to himself regardless of how much he loves and wants to be with me.
WHAT can I do to try and slow the divorce and save my marriage?!?! Theres got to be a way to make him see it will take alot of time and work but it CAN be saved.

Joined: Jun 2005
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if you initiated the divorce i would think YOU could stop it. or at least put it on hold. if you are serious about your marriage LEAVE THE BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW, END IT FOR GOOD WITH NO CONTACT AND MOVE BACK TO THE TOWN YOU LIVED IN WITH YOUR HUSBAND. that is the ONLY way i would believe you were serious. i would not believe a word you said if you were saying it while still living with the bf.

when you get back to the town, get into some counseling. an abortion does a terrible thing to a woman emotionally. you are lucky your husband was being so forgiving considering you did that without telling him. you are both young and immature and have a lot of growing up to do. i am NOT saying that to down you, it is true. probably way too young to have gotten married. but you did get married and you want to make it work. you have to make him believe by your ACTIONS that you are serious.

that is where i would start.

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

Joined: Oct 2007
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Yes I initiated wanting the divorce and he ended up being the one to take care of the paperwork. Im trying to stop it without success, I'm refusing to sign the very last papers, but the seperation agreement has already been written up and signed on both sides. He is making sure that he's doing whatever he can to keep me from stopping the divorce.
Boyfriend is no more we've already split up (on pretty good terms) him being understanding that I need to save my marriage. He was after all my best friend before we got together and he honestly wants to see me happy even if its not with him.
Im at my mothers in Arizona while he's in Virginia. I cant move back because in the seperation agreement its already been agreed that I would be out on aug 15th. Ive even said I'm coming back to VA and he's threatening me saying that if I do hes going to get a restraining order that I just need to sign the final papers and let it go.
I'm trying to ask my husband to do counseling both solo and together. Hes doing solo counseling I think to cope with the seperation but he wants nothing to do with anything that has to do with me. he's straight up refusing saying its not going to help that he's sticking to his vow he made himself to never let me hurt him again.
Yes I agree we married too young and we're trying to grow up together.
I find hope in the fact that we are actually able to talk sometimes on the phone and that he says hes sorry that he's refusing to give us another chance.. that he does love me and wants to make it work but that he'll never trust me and refuses to give us time apart, that he just wants the divorce to be over NOW so that he can just be by himself. He says "maybe in the future theres a chance after the divorce... I wont rule it out completly... but its such a small chance and thats if i can ever forgive you and trust you"

Joined: May 2006
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It's his right to decide not to continue to be married to a woman that dumped him and moved out of state with her boyfriend. Do him a favor and let him go.

Joined: Jan 2007
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You need to take some time to grow. He needs to see that you won't repeat the same behavior, because you are not the same person. Right now you seem like a child who's sorry she threw her tea set across the room in anger and frustration and is wishing she didn't break it, because she really loved it after all. But, it's broken now. Glueing it back together isn't the answer. You haven't done much in the way of growing yet and learning how not to create your half of the same anger and frustration that broke things to begin with.

When we marry we gently place our hearts in the other's hands. The pain or pleasure we feel is how carefully they hold it. His well-being, his strength, his ability to function is tied directly to who he gives that power to and how responsible they are with it. He's doing the right thing now by holding back. I know it is painful for you to hear. You're learning this the hard way.

Forgive yourself - we all learn some things the hard way. But, instead of clinging to him, cling to what's right. (If you don't know, find out.) That will work more for you than anything else. God gave us commandments because he loves each of us and is teaching us how to love each other. That's a good place to start.


We see the world not as it is, but as we are.
Joined: Jul 2006
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One thing to think about in the future: A married woman should never have a man that is not her husband as a best friend. I would be willing to bet that if you really really look at the last three years, your "best friend" played a big part in your marriage problems. Even now, by your own admission, you seem to see nothing wrong with your relationship with this person.

I say let the divorce go through. It will be alot cheaper to remarry than it will to fight the divorce. Your husband needs to be true to himself, and you have given him a legitimate reason to divorce. He feels that this is what he needs, and if you love him, you will do your best to give him what he needs.

Now IF you want him back, then it is time to grow up a little bit, and learn from your mistakes. Inform him that you really want to be a part of his life, and that you "want" the chance to prove yourself. Ask him what it will take to get that chance, and then decide if you can actually do it.

You may have the chance to start over. Alot of us here would love that chance. You really are in a pretty good position to get it considering what he has said. But it will take some hard work to prove, AND I MEAN REALLY PROVE, that you are capable of being trusted. Don't get pushy. Just try to be his friend. After all, your HUSBAND really should be the "best friend" that you ever have.

Joined: Oct 2007
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crushed - I feel for you - man, what does life have to show us how darn hard it can be...I can only speak from my own experience...and I feel that alot of the pain you are anticipating may have to do with letting your current boyfriend "go"...moreover, your human, so first things first..forgive yourself and pray - your a wonderful woman filled with love - we find strength, in relationships, through challenging times...challenges build strength - if you do go back, you will be stronger than ever and you will probably ALWAYS think about what could have been with your boyfriend - but that is the hollywood drama we live with....get a tattoo to signify a sign of the times..something that will let you celebrate the brief love/intimacy you had with your boyfriend -

in terms of stopping the divorce - you are always in control until the signature...right? TALK to your husband, be honest, let him know what has been going on with you and that you do not want the divorce - things will roll form there -

i wish you the best of luck -

with love

drpepper

Joined: Nov 2006
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Crush,
Don't get a tatoo to celebrate your affair. If your goal is to salvage or rebuild your marriage, this will hurt husband again one day. Marriage takes complete honesty and openess to work forever. If you get a tatoo and husband gets the chance to ask about it one day what are you going to do? Lie? Truth? Hurts both ways.
Dr. Pepper doesn't understand grown up marriage yet. Yes, life is hard, sometimes because we don't know the way to do it with integrity. Sometimes because others don't. JMHO


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