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#1953303 10/11/07 02:15 PM
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Tex04 Offline OP
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My wife is on her 3rd internet EA. These have all happened in the past year. For a week or so after she 'got over' her last one, it seemed like she was actually interested in working things out. Then her attitude toward me started changing again, and I knew exactly what was happening.
We have been married for almost 11 years and have 4 children, the oldest just turned 9. She stays at home with the kids, and I work from home. Because of the current EA, it has been no use talking to her - she wants to get a job and move out on her own. She does little to take care of the kids, and when the internet does not work, she spends most of her time sleeping. When the internet is working, she is online, and spends little or no time with the kids, just enough to change a diaper and fix some food. Does not even sit with us at the dinner table, she just fixes a plate and off to the bedroom with the computer she goes.

Should I cut off the internet? I need it for work (I have an office full of computers), but I can use the laptop with wireless if necessary for my job.

She also has a cell phone, it's in my name though. She talks to this guy (and others) constantly on it. I have thought of cutting it off too, but she'd probably just find a way to get her own. Perhaps I should just leave it alone, I have online access to the call logs if I need to peek at them.

I have done a bit of reading, I have read the surviving an affair book. I'd like to think I can just leave the internet alone and proceed with the MB stuff, and she'd quit on her own, but I am afraid she's addicted to it and right now she can't admit it and get help.

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Cut her off at the router. Password protect it, disable Mac addresses "whatever". Cut off her cellphone.

Disable, not enable.

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Expose the affair wide and far. call her parents, her siblings, your pastor, tell your children. Call the OMW and tell her. I agree that you should cancel her internet service and her cell phone.

Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer and I think that is part of the problem here. That her affairs have been kept secret.

What is she not getting out of your marriage that she gets out of these internet affairs?

And just so you know, Tex, internet affairs are every bit as serious as physical, sexual affairs, if not more.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Mel - Can you elaborate on this for me?

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And just so you know, Tex, internet affairs are every bit as serious as physical, sexual affairs, if not more.

Please and thanks,

MyBad

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MyBad, what exactly did you want to know?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Tex04 Offline OP
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Expose the affair wide and far. call her parents, her siblings, your pastor, tell your children. Call the OMW and tell her. I agree that you should cancel her internet service and her cell phone.

Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer and I think that is part of the problem here. That her affairs have been kept secret.

What is she not getting out of your marriage that she gets out of these internet affairs?

And just so you know, Tex, internet affairs are every bit as serious as physical, sexual affairs, if not more.

Yes, I know just how serious this is. She's been exposed to everyone I can expose to. The guy isn't married and lives thousands of miles from here (not that distance really matters).

I think she's going through some kind of midlife crisis. She's never had to work or support herself - not with her 1st marriage, not with this one. We had kids about 1 year after we got married, she wanted to stay home with the kids, and I made enough money where she didn't have to work.

After the birth of our son 16 months ago, she had some health issues. She was overweight and it was causing her hypertension and other problems. She began a diet/exercise plan and has lost 40 pounds. Her need for SF increased greatly. That's when she started spending lots of time on the internet. Sometimes I wonder if it's not the affairs themselves she's addicted to, but the excitement of having men pursue her, like she's trying to re-live her 20s again.

I realized the seriousness when I installed a sniffer on the firewall and started reading the chat traffic, her telling the guy how bad things were in her marriage, and how she's going to get out on her own, and him telling her how he's going to move here once she's got her own place.

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I'm not Mel, but I'll take a stab at it.

First off...here's my story.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

My wife got involved in an online EA with a man she met via online gaming. She knew him a very short time...but the affair blossomed to the point where she was all set to fly off and live with him when confronted on d-day...and she'd NEVER EVEN MET HIM IN PERSON.

Online EA's have LOTS of advantages over 'regular' affairs. There's so much more fantasy...so much less reality spilling in to ruin the relationship. Its far easier to hide behind the keyboard, and say exactly what the other person wants to hear. To be who they want you to be.

Read my story...that should give you an idea on the devestation that online EA's can cause.

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Why do you think they are they as bad if not more?

What makes them more tempting?

MyBad

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BTW Tex...I agree.

Cut off her internet. Cut off her cellphone. If she wants to move out...let her. But don't fund a cent of it.

Let reality intrude into their little relationship.

Now...while you're being so tough on her that way...do the CARROT of plan A as well. Figure out what her EN's are, and do the best you can to meet them. Take care of yourself, take care of your kids, and show her (without telling her) that you can be the kind of husband she REALLY wants.

Read up on plan A here...that's where you need to be for now. That includes taking all possible action to end the affair, or at least make it VERY uncomfortable for her and OM.

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Owl is right. For women an emotional affair [the definition of an internet affair] is much, much more appealing, addictive and illusionary than a physical affair. Dr. Harley spoke about this on his radio show a while back and he said that often an EA is much harder on the marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I realized the seriousness when I installed a sniffer on the firewall and started reading the chat traffic, her telling the guy how bad things were in her marriage, and how she's going to get out on her own, and him telling her how he's going to move here once she's got her own place.

How would she be financing her own place if she doesn't have a job?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks Owl -

That is pretty much what I was asking.
My FWH started the A online and it progressed to a one time PA even though the OW lived extremly far away. However if the OW didn't live so far away...well sometimes I wonder if things may have turned out differently.
Or maybe the fact that OW wasn't so close made it all more attactive....anyway, FWH was ready to D me and M OP all before they ever met.
I always wondered WTF was he thinking?!
I don't believe I ever got an honest answer when I asked about that.

OK, I am going off to read your story.....

Thanks for sharing,

MyBad

BS 43 (Me)
FWH 39 EA/PA
2 SDs 18, 16
DS 10
DD 7
3/20/06 FWH "I'm not happy - I want a D" speech
Immediate Plan A
FWH filed for D 4/8/06
D-Day 5/12/07
Plan FU till 6/1/06 FWH had breakdown
FWH started IC 6/8/06 back to Plan A
MC 08/06
NC Letter sent 9/23/06
FWH Requested to Dismiss D 10/06
In Recovery
9/10/07 SD received a MySpace Invitation from OW
It was rejected and OW has been blocked
9/26/07 OW sent text to FWH including her phone#
9/27/07 FWH sent NCL #2
Still In Recovery

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Tex04 Offline OP
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I realized the seriousness when I installed a sniffer on the firewall and started reading the chat traffic, her telling the guy how bad things were in her marriage, and how she's going to get out on her own, and him telling her how he's going to move here once she's got her own place.

How would she be financing her own place if she doesn't have a job?

Don't know. Perhaps she intended getting a job and saving enough to move out? All summer she's been wanting to get a job 'so I can have my own money to spend on my own things', she says.

She wants to get her own car, too. Fine, I say, because we own 2 trucks - mine, which is paid for but she can't drive (stick shift), and 'hers', a brand-new 2007 Dodge Ram, that she could never afford the payments on.

I honestly wonder how it will work for her - she's never had any kind of job other than McDonalds and the local supermarket when she was in her early 20s, and has no skills to speak of. But if that's what she chooses, it is not my problem.

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Hey Tex, why dont you have a reality check talk with her. Tell her that:

1. your marriage will not work with 3 people in it

2. ask her how she intends on paying for her apartment, insurance, etc

3. let her know she will have to take the old truck

4. she will not be allowed to take the children from the home without a court order

5. in any divorce or seperation action, you will name adultery as the cause and call her list of OM as witnesses.

Let her know that you and the children will not live this way and ask her what she intends on doing about it. The way this has been going, she has never had any motivation to change, no consequences and as a result has become addicted to AFFAIRS.

That means you are about ready for Plan B, which is total seperation. It is not in her best interest, yours or the kids to continue to enable her like this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Dr. Harley discusses a similar case on the radio today and told the BS to tell the WS that contact with the affair partner must end or the BS will have to end contact with him. He said to give the WS an opportunity to end the affair. But if all contact is not ended, then the BS must go to Plan B.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Tex04 Offline OP
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3. let her know she will have to take the old truck
It is inoperable right now, $2000 to fix it. We both use the new truck. So, I guess she'll either need to get it fixed and learn how to drive a stick, or buy a cheap car that's not a stick shift.

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Another option would be for her to get a room close to her job and walk to work. But it will be up to her to find a solution. She is a big girl.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Update after a long weekend... no more cell phone, no internet, makes for a very angry wife. Too bad. This weekend was the diesel truck event here in Texas, my daughter had been begging me to take her all summer, so it was Saturday and Sunday daddy and daughter weekend. Probably was a good thing. The bad thing is that my wife apparently contacted OM and he made the mistake of calling back on the home phone (caller ID the wife doesn't know how to erase).

It's going to be a long week. She's been avoiding the phone, her parents have been trying to call her all weekend (I exposed her affair(s) last week). Her mom called a while ago and I answered, gave her the phone, so I guess she can't avoid talking to her mom tonight.

If OM calls the home phone and I answer, I don't know what I'll do.

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Hello Tex,

Just caught up with your thread. I was in your wife's position a little over a year ago. You have done the right thing by cutting off services.

Can you block OM's number from your home phone or disable long distance? Is OM married?

If you do talk to him, tell him not to call and to leave your wife alone. Do you know anything about this guy that you can use (threaten to expose at his work for example?).

Good luck and hang in there.

P.S. If she leaves, do not let her leave with ANYTHING.


Me, 43, 2 online EA's 2006
DH, 45, 2DDs, 16 & 9
Married 23 years.

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