So that's it. She hates me. We have been to MC. She wants to leave and has agreed to give it some time. That was January. She is still as toxic as ever. I have quit my job, changed careers, am following all of the principles, and still it's not getting any better. Nothing is working. I am not perfect. I still do some love busters. Not as many as before. What can I do?

Is there any hope? How can you hate a person for so long? I cheated on her. It was about four years ago. I changed completely. I am not perfect. I know I hurt her more then anyone can be hurt. That I did the worst thing possible to her. That I crushed her. I love her. I am sorry. I have changed. I am different. I am starting to wonder if all of this recovery stuff will ever work. She won't even tell me she loves me in front of the kids. Is there any hope?

Oh yeah if your are going to reply don't give me any "canned" answers or ask questions and then when I answer ignore them. I am on the edge. I love my wife and kids.

I want to be at least recovering instead of rotting.

How long has it been since she discovered the affair?

Is it possible that she is in an affair?

If you were as bad as you say you were, why would she want to stay with you? What kind of changes would YOU need to see to take someone back who cheated on you and treated you so badly? And most importantly how long would it take for you to believe those changes?

She has know about the affair since last June, but I only told her it was a one night stand instead of the 6 months that it really was. I started to tell her the truth in June, but I saw how mad ans hurt she was getting so I got scared and lied. In January, (we had been in recovery for about 6 months) things were getting a little better so I thought I could trust her and told her that it was a six month affair. I know it was wrong.

The affair was 4 years ago. I stopped it because I love my wife. I stopped cold turkey. Haven't seen or spoken to the other person since. I changed. I hid it from everyone. I stopped doing independent things. I took my wife in consideration for every decision. I made a huge change.


I guess it's possible, but I don't think she is in an affair.

I am a forgiving person. It's my nature so I would forgive pretty easily. I would look for the fruit in their lives. Not perfection, but the evidence of honest effort. I would want complete honesty amount where they are and access to phone records and email.
And probably some other stuff but I am not sure right now.

But that's me.

What is she asking of you right now? What kinds of things is she saying to you?

Unless she is in an affair of her own, it sounds like she is still very, very hurt and angry. There is a fine line between hate and love, withdrawal is actually worse.

But it's important for you to give us a clear idea of what she is asking and saying to you.

She says...I hate you....I don't want to be with you....I am over you... I can't stand you... She generally ignores me. She takes care of my kids, cooks, and tries to stay away from me.

So for her, it's only really been 6 months since actual disclosure. You lied to her for the first 6 months. My honest opinion is that you probably still haven't told her the true extent of it...and even if you have, why on earth should she believe it? It's the lying that has killed her love for you, not the affair.

IMO, it's going to take her much longer, if ever, to recover from this because she will NEVER believe that she knows the truth. Sounds to me like if you want her to even begin to believe you then you need to VOLUNTEER to take a lie detector test and answer whatever remaining questions she has. Only then can she even open the door to trusting you. Right now it's just out of the question for her.

I'm not condemning your choice to lie about the situation (it's probably just a natural response)...but it is what it is, and her reaction to that is normal. My ex-husband lied about everything under the sun, even things that were very unimportant, but he just could NOT tell the truth. That is why he's my EX-husband. We can accept a lot of things, but if we can't believe a word that comes out of your mouth then there's not much a foundation for marriage.

It will be harder for her to recover, even when she does know all the details because without a polygraph from you she will never trust that she knows the truth. Fix it.

How do you react and what do you say when she says "I hate you". How are you acting around the house? Basically what is your attitude towards her? Are you spending lots of time at the house? With the kids?

I'm trying to get an idea of who well you are doing your Plan A?

Remember if you were treating her badly for years, it is going to take a long time and truckloads of patience on your part to prove that your changes are real.

Is there anyway you can confirm that she is not in an affair of her own?

My husband did the same thing ... after nearly a year of recovery efforts, I ended up finding out that his affair lasted six months longer than he said.

It's a lot to take, hopeful.

Your gonna have to give her some time on this.

and, if you got anything else to spill, better to do it NOW.

Just get it over with.

Yes, there is hope. But I will be frank and tell you that I don't think that you have changed as much as you may think you have. More about that in a bit.


Yes, you're on edge. You're also starting out somewhat on the attack and assuming things about the posters here. Are you like this with your wife?


You realize that once the full truth came out, that's when you date your recovery - not while you were still lying. So you haven't been in recovery for a year yet....just 9 - 10 months. You actually made things much worse by lying. I would be willing to bet that she's still waiting for the other shoe to drop....or maybe a big boot.

She's scared, and I think that's where the anger may be coming from.


Who are you? Me? I mean that as a serious joke. I could have written what you wrote. I did what you did.

That's the reason I'm posting to you.

I have no advice for you other than to suck it up for one year. Let her vent her anger without returning it to her. Some BSs need to do that; mine did. Have you answered all her questions honestly?

Now, after one year of honesty and working at the marriage, things change a bit, IMO. I developed some boundaries. I would no longer allow my H to vent at me. I would tell him that he was not only hurting me, he was hurting himself and hurting the marriage. Then I would leave the room. If he wanted to discuss things in a rational manner, fine; I was up for that. But I wasn't going to be LB'd anymore.

Patience.
Exercise.

Do you drink? If so, stop now.

PK, whose answers are not "canned" in the least.

When did you finally tell her the FULL TRUTH? I am confused about your timeline.


Trust her FOR WHAT? Did she have an affair? Can you explain what you mean by "trust her?" Is she untrustworthy?

You know it was wrong to lie to her? Or to tell her the truth? What do you think did you did wrong?

I think you are expecting way too much too soon from your betrayed wife. This may sound like a 'canned answer' to you but IMHO your whining about your betrayed wife taking too long to recover is just the typical 'canned' WS whining. WS's often make the mistake of expecting the BS to 'just get over it' relatively quickly and easily. Seriously, you didn't realize ahead of time that if/when your wife found out about the adultery she might be angry at you?!?!?

Basically you're complaining about your wife expressing very natural feelings of anger and loss of respect and trust for you BECAUSE of your cheating AND lying. You think she's angry now? Unless you take your focus off of yourself and acknowledge the consequences of YOUR selfish, immorsal choices, INCLUDING that your wife now doesn't trust or respect you, things are going to get much worse.

What you need to do is to stop expecting anything from your wife in regards to forgiveness and friendliness, let alone forgetting and lovingness. The more you expect her to be over it soon the longer it is going to take her to recover.
IF she ever forgives you and gets over your betrayal, IF she ever again trusts you and tells you she loves you, it will be a gift from her to you NOT something that you are in any way entitled to. Therefore you should have ZERO expectation that she should be nice to you right now!

Welcome back. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the two of you chose to have another child between D-day and the day you told your wife the truth, right? That would make me very furious too. I think a woman deserves the truth about her marriage BEFORE she gets pregnant. She probably feels very trapped by your decision to lie.

Will she read here?

I think your wife is doing what she feels is right for her. Based upon your past actions she has every right and reason to divorce you. In fact, it is a healthy decision to do so in the face of an affair and continued lies. Even the good Dr. has said he would divorce based on infidelity.
I would suggest that you honor your wife's wishes. She really should be the one calling the shots regarding divorce/recovery at this point. It is possible that she really does hate you after what you have done...or that she is just to hurt to attempt recovery with you. All partners deserve the truth before bringing a child into the mix...you took that from her...and you most likely will pay the cost for doing so.

IMHO, you should make things easy on her. Let her know that you want to recover and that you are sorry. Also, let her know that you are willing to do things to show your sincerity....post nuptial agreement comes to mind. IMHO, you should show her you respect her enough to let her choose how she handles this. Divorce may or may not be in the cards...but that is her choice and there should be no pressure on your part.

And I agree that taking a polygraph to prove your word at this point is the right thing to do.