I am still here. I did have my meeting, and broke every rule of Plan A. I was so disappointed in myself...I cried, I tried to find solutions, and in the end, we both walked away miserable. He told me that he wasn't sure how he was going to live the rest of his life looking at the pain in my face. The good news is there is still contact. I have spoken to him, and he texts and emails regularly. I have to see him again on Wednesday, so hopefully I can redeem myself a little. I kept the phone conversation light, no pressure, made sure no Love Busters. At the end, he told me to have a great day, which is something he hasn't said in a long time, and I told him I hoped he slept well (he works nights). This is tough...I am one of those people who can be read like an open book. The good news too, is that the hospital is forcing him into counseling. Whether or not he goes is a different story, he says he cannot afford it. Her mother got my letter, so I think the relationship is just about over. Hopefully after that we can start rebuilding...

Okay try two...and I am getting nervous again.

I have a meeting with my WH tomorrow, nothing fancy, just picking a few things up from the house. I don't want it to turn out like last time.

Other question...he keeps offering me the house. He says I can move back in and he will find an apartment. Do I take it? I told him I cannot afford it by myself, and he said he would help. I am not sure why he is doing this, but suppose it is a guilt factor.

I am very confused...

And then there is the revelation...

I was reading another post, one sent by MyRevelation (and thanks...). I have been saying the serenity prayer every day without truly understanding the meaning. After reading your post, MyRev...well all of a sudden I realize that I was going about this whole thing the wrong way. You are absolutely right...I cannot change him. I know what I did wrong, and I have taken steps to correct that. But I cannot make him see that, and although I would love to continue my marriage, I will be okay if that doesn't happen, because I took the steps I needed to take. It is like someone slapped me upside the head! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

It is hard for them to look at us. Because they hurt us and feel the guilt. They hurt someone that loves them and they loved back. My biggest LB right now is not letting it go.

As for the house.... I am still in our house, she won't even come over, says that it is too emotional. I'm about to sell it because it IS too emotional. I would think that your H is feeling the same way. If you take it or not, be careful not to get into something that would be too much.

Keep Trying,
Rummi

I think I have to implement Plan B.

This is just not going well. He is being influenced by all those around him, and thinks that I am the bad guy now, that me wanting to help with the household expenses and try to figure out how to dig ourselves out of the financial mess is a way of getting him back. I was trying to be nice, supportive, and he seems to want to blame it all on me. I can't take the house because I cannot afford it on my salary alone, and he makes less than I do. I guess it is time to just cut contact.

This is so frustrating!!! I went by the house last night, and the little "love" note is gone, and there is no evidence of the OW. My H is now accusing me of doing things to sabotage (I hope I spelled that right) and of trying to be supportive so that I can get back together with him. One minute we are having a very decent conversation, and the next when I am trying to help and avoid any LB, he is yelling at me. I asked if he thought it would be a good idea for us to stop talking altogether, and that is when he started accusing me of using his misery to get back together with him. I am very confused, but am also sick and tired of trying to work through this one sided. Is this all normal? I mean, I really love my husband, and really want this to work, but I feel like I am at the end of my rope and hanging on by a thread. I am torn between wanting to work through it and just chalking it up to letting him go. The only problem is something inside of me won't let it go completely, and everytime I think about the future, he is still in it. Someone please tell me if this is all normal...

He is trying to blame it on you because he doesn't want to blame it on himself. You left the house, and he can't afford it on his own. You leaving was the consequence of his A.

Take care of yourself financialy. Don't try to support him in the house when you are not even there. If you do, that gives him plenty of room to abuse the situation.

Continue your plan "A" and improve yourself. He will say that it isn't real, you're just trying to manipulate him. All the normal fog that they say. Don't take it personaly, they all try to twist it around on you. It is all very normal.

Has the affair ended? Is there no contact?

Watch your LB's and don't give up.
Rummi

I don't know if the A has ended. Exposure is complete...work knows, her mother, but I don't know about OWH. I sent something in the mail. When I was at the house last night, there was no evidence of her there. I believe it is over, but I don't know for sure. It just seems strange, his words and his actions are two very different things. He still refers to my daughter's bedroom as her bedroom. He tells me he doesn't love me but can't look me in the face when he says it. He says he just can't do it anymore. It is amazing that the manipulation thing even came out of his mouth...he knows I am not like that. But you are right, I do need to take care of myself. I don't want to lose my husband, but right now he seems to be lost to himself. He says one thing, and in the next breath he can't answer a simple question with yes or no, and is still texting me. The problem is I just don't feel like he is even being honest with himself. I will continue on Plan A...even though it is killing me.

I know this is a small thing, but I was really happy it happened, and wanted to share.

My WH and I had a little spat last week as most of you who have ready my thread know. The jist of it was that he feels I am using the financial "misery" he is in to try to reconcile with him. I suppose at the heart of it part of that is true, I mean I do want to reconcile, but I don't want to make him miserable. Anyway...

Over the weekend, I turned 40. I figured my WH would not even acknowledge the day. But he did...sent me a text message in the afternoon wishing me a Happy Birthday. I just said Thank you...dont remind me I am getting old!! (haha)

Like I said, it was small...but sometimes its the really small things that can make your entire day.

You need to spend your energies on exposing the the OW's husband, and being sure that he does know.

Thanks. I have expended my energies on exposing to the OW husband, but it is kind of hard when you can't find him.

You know, I think I have made great progress, but posts like this one make it a little hard to stay positive.

When the affair ends, and it will, you will have your husband back. That is why you need to expose the affair to the OW's husband.

As long as the affair is continuing, your husband will want to keep you both.

I have tried. The only thing I could find was his address. I sent a letter. There is no listing for him. There is no phone number anywhere. I have exposed to him, her mother, my OW's job. I have looked in publid records, private records, run searches. I have not been able to find a phone number. She and the H are separated. So all I had to go with was the address where the H lived while they were married. I have no work history, and have no idea how to find one. I know the A has to end. And I do want it to. But I just don't know where to look anymore.

Jump over to General Questions and ask MelodyLane about a private eye she knows. He does good work (on the computer) and it is quick and not expensive.

I had no luck until someone mentioned ZabaSearch Worked like a champ for me when all other avenues failed.

I have tried zabasearch as well. I have searched the public records in our county, which is how I found her mother. I searched the central appraisal district, and have a private account at the law firm i work for to search more in depth criminal records. I found an old assault charge, but it was from about ten years ago. I looked in the phone book, in real estate records, even looked up his driver's license. During this search is how I found out she had filed for divorce and that he has not been served yet. The best I did was send a letter to the current address he has on file with public records. I have run searches on endless search engines, myspace, everywhere I can think of. I am a criminal justice graduate who works in a law firm, so I know where to look. I am thinking he must have a cell phone because it is not listed.

Hi everyone...so I am moving this weekend out of my friend's house into my own place. WS is all of a sudden texting me and calling alot. Most of the furniture in the house is mine, and he just gave me the washer and dryer. I am just glad to be getting my own space. Living with someone else is very difficult, especially when the friend is male and doesn't seem to realize I am in a state of grief right now and don't want to jump in the sack with him.

Here is the thing...I am supposed to see him tonight. I have to pick up some mail and stuff. I have been doing well lately, and not so emotional when I have spoken to him. Can you all give me some tips to hold onto that through this tonight?

It is so hard to stay away and out of a situation but the thing that worked for me is staying busy or hanging out with friends. It keeps your mind elsewhere so you don't have to think about it. I also recommend counseling of some sort for yourself. You need to rebuild your self and be your own person again. Its a good idea to wait regarding another relationship, you need to clear your head. You might find yourself in another situation.

Sorry, not supposed to see my friend. Supposed to see my husband. I don't want to jump into the sack with my friend, that is SO the furthest thing from my mind right now. I love my husband. But I want to also show him I am fully capable of taking care of myself, and let him remember the woman he married.

By the way...yes the A is over.

So...the WH chickened out again. He does not want to see me, and leaves my mail either in the mailbox or if it is a package outside of the door. He is in counseling at the hospital with a psychiatrist who says he has anger issues. He replies for the doctor to get the **bleep** out of his face.

At any rate, I am getting ready to move into my own house this weekend, and this has actually given me something to look forward to. After two months of being separated, I still miss my WH, but at the same time know that I have to be able to live too. And with the "other" expectations that my friend seems to have, it is not a good idea for me to stay there anymore. MEN!!! (sorry to any men on this board).

So...I guess we will see what happens.