I would not suggest doing this. Tell her AFTERWARDS so she doesn't have a chance to pre-empt you with a lie. There is no need to tell her beforehand.

Maybe add to the exposure letter that you are compiling a witness list for court and would like to kindly request the names and addresses for all supervisors and co-workers to include with your filings.

The threat of lawsuits doesn't work on goverment officials...but public scandal does. Last thing they want to do is have to take a day off to appear in some courtroom or depositions to answer questions about some subordinates sleazy behavior and their failure to respond.

*Not to discourage you but if your wife is in a department that has lots of lawyers in it...you may not want to take it too far with them. Depending on the size of your town...the politicians and the judges are all cronies and pushing them too hard might preclude a rebound effect.


Also...what Melody Lane said is right on. Don't threaten her with exposure. Forewarned is forearmed. She'll just double her efforts to make sure everyone knows that you are a bitter, vindicative, controlling, delusional, abusive husband she is divorcing and has been separated from for like forever thus rendering any exposure effort on your part completely moot.

Good luck.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Your daugther should be with you. You don't NEED her snooping for you. What can she tell you that you don't already know.

Good point. I think I will take your advice. My wife and I had a pretty good marriage (at least I think we did). Not to brijng up another question, but how often do people get divorced due to an affair and then after the affair ends, they get back. NOT that I will want to, but I am wondering if there are stats on WF/H crawling back after it is over. Guess I am looking for payback one day...thanks honey, but you had your chance. I guess I am resentful, but I will let Him take vengeance, not me.

Be sure to tell her parents about his previous infidelity, domestic violence and financial irresponsibility. I'm certain she hasn't mentioned them.

As far as ex's wanting to come back, it happens all of the time. We've had several remarry and be happy. We've had many more where the WS wanted to get back together, but the BS was done.


The thing is, most affairs end.

Hey! It's me. It was good to see you at the DC group.

I'm glad you came here to post. It looks like you are in good hands here...Mel, Believer, Mr. W., Schoolbus, LadyC...these folks know what they are doing.

And remember, when you expose, do not worn your W. Those WS's will twist it around if they know it is coming.

My story parts 1 & 2 are linked in my signature line if you want to read. Although you've heard most of the details.

Thanks SMB! Your right, I am in good hands with the people on this forum. I will not warn her first, in fact, I will probably just call the parents out of the blue. My only concern is that they will refuse to talk to me and call her to tell her I called. If so, no big deal. They think she can do no wrong. Example: her mother told me one day that her therapist told her it was not her fault for her H having an affair (twice). In the next breath, she told me if her DD had an affair on me, it was my fault! SMB, you know the backgrd, how sad is a statement like that.

BTW, I read your part 1 story but I could not find the very first thread you wrote. Did the thread begin before 6/15/07?

If you have the details, you might say something like - "I have always loved your daughter, and am very worried about her. I realize our marriage is over, and am concerned about her life with the OM. His wife was abused, he cheated on her and blew all the family money".

They may be able to accept something like that.

Here is a study by the Institute of American Values that you might find interesting -







Does Divorce Make People Happy?
Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages

By Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley

Press Release
Read the report: PDF version | Text Only version
Tables: Table 1 | Table 2 | Table 3 | Table 4 | Table 5 | Table 6 |
USA Today Article 7-11-02





Press Release


Major New Study:

Does Divorce Make People Happy?
Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages

Call it the "divorce assumption." Most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has two choices: stay married and miserable or get a divorce and become happier.1 But now come the findings from the first scholarly study ever to test that assumption, and these findings challenge conventional wisdom. Conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the study found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.

Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.2

The research team used data collected by the National Survey of Family and Households, a nationally representative survey that extensively measures personal and marital happiness. Out of 5,232 married adults interviewed in the late Eighties, 645 reported being unhappily married. Five years later, these same adults were interviewed again. Some had divorced or separated and some had stayed married.

The study found that on average unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier than unhappily married adults who stayed married when rated on any of 12 separate measures of psychological well-being. Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier on average than those who stayed married. "Staying married is not just for the childrens' sake. Some divorce is necessary, but results like these suggest the benefits of divorce have been oversold," says Linda J. Waite.

Why doesn't divorce typically make adults happier? The authors of the study suggest that while eliminating some stresses and sources of potential harm, divorce may create others as well. The decision to divorce sets in motion a large number of processes and events over which an individual has little control that are likely to deeply affect his or her emotional well-being. These include the response of one's spouse to divorce; the reactions of children; potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, and visitation orders; new financial or health stresses for one or both parents; and new relationships or marriages.

The team of family experts that conducted the study included Linda J. Waite, Lucy Flower Professor of Sociology at the University of Chicago and coauthor of The Case for Marriage; Don Browning, Professor Emeritus of the University of Chicago Divinity School; William J. Doherty, Professor of Family Social Science and Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy program at the University of Minnesota; Maggie Gallagher, affiliate scholar at the Institute for American Values and coauthor of The Case for Marriage; Ye Luo, a research associate at the Sloan Center on Parents, Children and Work at the University of Chicago; and Scott Stanley, Co-Director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver.

Marital Turnarounds: How Do Unhappy Marriages Get Happier?

To follow up on the dramatic findings that two-thirds of unhappy marriages had become happy five years later, the researchers also conducted focus group interviews with 55 formerly unhappy husbands and wives who had turned their marriages around. They found that many currently happily married spouses have had extended periods of marital unhappiness, often for quite serious reasons, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.

Why did these marriages survive where other marriages did not? Spouses' stories of how their marriages got happier fell into three broad headings: the marital endurance ethic, the marital work ethic, and the personal happiness ethic.

In the marital endurance ethic, the most common story couples reported to researchers, marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted them. With the passage of time, these spouses said, many sources of conflict and distress eased: financial problems, job reversals, depression, child problems, even infidelity.
In the marital work ethic, spouses told stories of actively working to solve problems, change behavior, or improve communication. When the problem was solved, the marriage got happier. Strategies for improving marriages mentioned by spouses ranged from arranging dates or other ways to more time together, enlisting the help and advice of relatives or in-laws, to consulting clergy or secular counselors, to threatening divorce and consulting divorce attorneys.
Finally, in the personal happiness epic, marriage problems did not seem to change that much. Instead married people in these accounts told stories of finding alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage.
The Powerful Effects of Commitment

Spouses interviewed in the focus groups whose marriages had turned around generally had a low opinion of the benefits of divorce, as well as friends and family members who supported the importance of staying married. Because of their intense commitment to their marriages, these couples invested great effort in enduring or overcoming problems in their relationships, they minimized the importance of difficulties they couldn't resolve, and they actively worked to belittle the attractiveness of alternatives.

The study's findings are consistent with other research demonstrating the powerful effects of marital commitment on marital happiness. A strong commitment to marriage as an institution, and a powerful reluctance to divorce, do not merely keep unhappily married people locked in misery together. They also help couples form happier bonds. To avoid divorce, many assume, marriages must become happier. But it is at least equally true that in order to get happier, unhappy couples or spouses must first avoid divorce. "In most cases, a strong commitment to staying married not only helps couples avoid divorce, it helps more couples achieve a happier marriage," notes research team member Scott Stanley.

Would most unhappy spouses who divorced have ended up happily married if they had stuck with their marriages?

The researchers who conduced the study cannot say for sure whether unhappy spouses who divorced would have become happy had they stayed with their marriages. In most respects, unhappy spouses who divorced and unhappy spouses who stayed married looked more similar than different (before the divorce) in terms of their psychological adjustment and family background. While unhappy spouses who divorced were on average younger, had lower household incomes, were more likely to be employed or to have children in the home, these differences were typically not large.

Were the marriages that ended in divorce much worse than those that did not? There is some evidence for this point of view. Unhappy spouses who divorced reported more conflict and were about twice as likely to report violence in their marriage than unhappy spouses who stayed married. However, marital violence occurred in only a minority of unhappy marriages: 21 percent of unhappy spouses who divorced reported husband-to-wife violence, compared to nine percent of unhappy spouses who stayed married.

On the other hand, if only the worst marriages ended up in divorce, one would expect divorce to be associated with important psychological benefits. Instead, researchers found that unhappily married adults who divorced were no more likely to report emotional and psychological improvements than those who stayed married. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.

More research is needed to establish under what circumstances divorce improves or lessens adult well-being, as well as what kinds of unhappy marriages are most or least likely to improve if divorce is avoided.

Other Findings

Other findings of the study based on the National Survey Data are:

The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) took place to adults who had been happily married when first studied five years earlier. In this group, divorce was associated with dramatic declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed married.
Unhappy marriages are less common than unhappy spouses; three out of four unhappily married adults are married to someone who is happy with the marriage.
Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships. Eighty-six percent of unhappily married adults reported no violence in their relationship (including 77 percent of unhappy spouses who later divorced or separated). Ninety-three percent of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce reported no violence in their marriage five years later.

At the bottom of my posts in my signature line, there are two links My Story Part 1 and My Story Part 2. Click on Part 1 and you'll get most of the beginning of my story. I did delete my very first posts, as I panicked one time thinking H would read it.

Silly me...thinking he might read here like I had asked.

All, thank you for your help, but unfortunately, I took off my wedding band today. I also signed the final dissolution papers. The court date should be in early Dec.

I then called her father to see if he knew about the OMs past. Guess what, the OM has met my W's parents and in fact told the F in law about some of his past. He did not tell him about the A he had on his first wife some years ago, but he told him about the domestic violence. I filled the F in law in on the affair but he does not know the rest...I will let him find out the hard way. F in law seemed to be ok with the D violence and financial problems the OM has..wow! There is more, but I won't go into that because most people would crawl through the computer to shake her and say "what the he*# are you doing lady".

Picture this: Your DD had an affair with a guy who has a scary past and now she is going to D her husband after 19 yrs of what was a decent marriage. If she marries the OM, it will be her third marriage. If she does not M the loser, she just flushed a good marriage and GREAT family down the toilet. She has a good sum of money and the OM is broke/bankrupt. I hope she can spell prenup.

The part that blew my mind the most was that my W either lied to my F in law (or he lied) about some things that happeed in HS (1980), yes HS. When he told me these things, I said to myself, it's over. You DON'T want to be in this mess...I don't know why but in a few years something tells me she is heading for trouble. Hopefully, my daughter will be in college by then and be out of it. If not, I have an extra room. She loves both of us but wants to stay with her mother. If this guy moves in or they get M, that may change.

Time for me to move to the Divorced forum and start healing and forgiving.

Well, if you have decided you WANT a divorce, no one can blame you.

If you still would like to work on things, but are about done, you might consider going to Plan B. That is where you give her a good taste of what life is like WITHOUT you.

Some parents just AMAZE me. The fact that her father is not concerned about DV is appalling.

DNO,

I'm so sorry. I know this is not what you wanted. Like I told you at the DC group, you will walk away knowing that you did all you could. You were in it for the long haul, even if she wasn't.

How are you doing tonight?

Thanks Believer,
I am going to plan B, but only because I just don't want to see her...too many lies. We have been separated for 10 months now, so I think she has a good idea of what being w/o me is like....she likes it so she can be w OM.

With Plan B, you have complete no contact, just like you were dead.

It would be unusual for her to just move on with the other man. Maybe she has childhood issues that require a wife beating, cheating, broke loser.

SMB, your right. I will hold my head high knowing I did everything in my power to save this marriage and family. I took my ring off tonight and placed it in my nightstand and one day I plan on tossing it into a field or a lake.

There is something else I would like to discuss with you but I really don't want to post it here or the DC group. If ok with you, can I email you at your email address (saw it on the DC group)?

Actually you hit on something. She does have childhood issues that she told me about just a week or two ago. We were still having some deep conversations, but she just does not want to give up the OM. Her childhood issues were one of not getting enough attention from her parents. Not a daddy's girl and her brother was favored by her M. She is looking for attention and approval. Funny thing is the other day she wanted to talk to her parents before she was willing to try reconciliation. She is teetering, but after what I found out tonight (one of her lies), I said I cannot do this anymore.

What did you find out? Or would you rather not say?

Yes, if you already have my addy, email me tonight. I will be on here for a while.

Rather not say for now... need to think and pray about it before I post.

If I live to be a hundred, I will NEVER figure out why parents agree to meet the adultery partner. Even when I was very young, I knew better. When my sister was going through a divorce, she wanted me to meet a boyfriend. I told her I loved her, but had no interest in meeting the guy.