NYGU, have you thought about what life would be like without your H in the picture? Do you think you'd be better or worse off?

Ok, take a deep breath.

Has he acknowledged what he did was wrong? Has he been remorseful? Has he done ANYTHING to make YOU start to trust him again? Is HE working on the M? Could there be other issues he's dealing with that are not necessarily about you? I.E. passive/agreesive, depression, etc.?

Can YOU just NOT forgive nor forget? (I'm not saying you should or should not, I'm just asking where you are now.)

Does he want the D? Or is he putting this all in your lap...
If you go fine, if you stay fine?

Just take a deep breath and slowly think. Realistically WHAT do YOU want? Is it realistic to believe he will change in ways you need him to? Is it realistic to believe you will?

YOu might have said, and I missed it but how long ago was the A? How have you both worked on M?


(((Peace to you)))

Yes


All of the above is yes.

However, he is still secretive in many ways. I mentioned before, we keep separate bank accounts, and last month 6 notices came in from the bank of bounced checks at 27.50 a piece. I didn't say anything to him because it's HIS money and I feel as though I don't have a right. If I said anything, he would give me some lame excuse. I just avoid the confrontation. But to me it's still cheating. Spending money you don't have.



He doesn't want the D and yes he is putting this in my lap. Which burdens ME with guilt. It's as if the blame has shifted. He feels pretty dang good about him not being the one to throw in the towel.




in 2003. We were married in 2002, he had the affair in 2003, it lasted a year, I found out in 2004, moved out to get my emotions in tact, moved back in 2005 and we've been reconciling since. My short 5 year marriage has been total ****** for me.

Can I change? Yes, but with him, I'll always be a snoop and worrier. He told me that given the right circumstances, anyone could have an affair. My response was, "let's explore that for a moment" because you are unhappy in your M? We were only married a year, I don't see that as a reason. Opportunity, yep, that's it for him. He travels a lot so the opportunity will always exist. So he will always have the "right cirmcumstances" I can't live like that! Why is leaving so dang hard? It should be easy given what he's put me through, yet it's still very hard.

he can changes jobs...he does not have to work a job where he travels over night. I will NEVER involve myself with anyone that travels for their job. Sorry, that is a personal boundary. Dr. Harley says that couples should not spend even a night apart.

He can become transparent and responsible...or not, his choice.

I personally believe that you no longer have a right to use the affair as a reason for leaving the marriage UNLESS he has failed to do something that you set up as a boundary for recovery. What I mean is, his affair was 4 years ago...you CHOSE to come back home and recover. Now if he is failing to do something towards that recovery, walk away fast and furious. But if not...it is time to examine YOU to figure out what payoff you are getting for holding on to these things after you made the choice...and it was a choice to forgive.
Do you guys spend 15 hours a week of quality time together?

How would you feel about setting up some boundaries for recovery...such as a job change that will have him home every night.
Leaving is hard for you right now because the built in reason to leave because of his affair really does not exist any longer. I say this a a BS....if your M fails at this point...it is not because of his affair, there is something deeper going on here.

Okay. I've looked deeper and here is what I see. First of all, he still lies, white-insignificant lies but nonetheless lies. He's financially irresponsible which urks me. And to look at me in a transparent way - I want more than this marriage will give me. I had HUGE red flags before I married him, but thought they were insignficant but looking back, I should have ran then. But now that I'm married to him, I thought God would want me to stay. I've battled with this very HARD spiritually, otherwise, I would have run like the wind as soon as I found out about his A. But, because I'm a christian, I thought it was righteous to stay. Deep down, I'm not fighting this marriage, I'm fighting spiritually. I know this, and it's very hard to fight oneself. Everything that I believe should be sacred in a marriage has been destroyed, yet I don't believe in divorce, yet I don't think it's God's intension that I live in a constant battle within myself. What's biblically right, will God punish me for going? It it my christian duty to stay? Is it my christian duty to be passive and turn the other cheek? Is it better to walk alone through my battle, thus divorcing? Is it better to walk away from someone who has the potential of hurting me again? Does God want pain in my life? Will God ever bless this marriage, after all this marriage was conceived in adultery, both of us were married, going through a divorce, but legally still married. This was not blessed by God, my H pretty much spit in God's face during his A. He was an usher at Church, we were on the welcoming committee. Heck I sat and watched the OW get baptized and he tells me that he feels so proud that he was able to bring someone to the Lord, unbeknwonst to me he was screwing her the whole time. She was there every Sunday (again, I knew nothing about this) stalking us. He preverted my faith and my God. It's alot for me to swallow.

Now we are getting somewhere.

God does not want you to be in pain...BUT, he will use pain in your life to bring you to your knees and closer to Him.

If you have a good church home, I would suggest that you seek some guidance and fellowship there. NEVER allow yourself to engage in adultery again...do not put yourself in questionable situations and it will not happen moving forward.

Your faith is int he Lord....that cannot be perverted. Your walk is not to your H ...it is to God. Remember that.

Pick up a book regarding Christians and marital issues. Speak to your pastor. All things are possible through Christ...so yes, your marriage may yet be blessed. It is possible that you will wind up divorced, but that is a decision that can wait for another day. Today, your spiritual life is most important. Pray, listen for the Lord's reply. If you find God is not speaking to you..ask yourself what is preventing you from hearing...what sin have you allowed to remain in your life that is holding you back.

Pray. Seek counsel.

I agree with mkeverydaycnt. It seems there are other issues that you NEED to deal with before proceeding.

(((know that we are praying for you)))

NYGN,

From what I read, your mind and heart are not in sync so moving forward with the D is a bit premature.

It appears you are doing the D and regretting it at the same time. How productive could that be?

Was the D done out of anger? Did you think it would wake him up? Check out your real motives again and then see what you motive s/b.

I understand you don't want to married to an Xws who is not morphing back to a real H. No sane BS would want to stay married to such a creature. But you can not use the D as a teaching weapon. If he is an Xws w/ a WS mentality, then all your efforts are for naught.

Better you move to plan B and move forward for you. Notice how he still wants you t/d his dirty work. He knows if he pisses you off...enough... you will do the D stuff for him. He is confused about it also but remember he is in the Xws/WS mindset and logic doesn't exist in that environment.

So call Steve for a plan....for you, identify your personal and M boundaries, then execute plan B.

JMHO,
L.

In my quiet time this morning, I prayed and you know what? I didn't know what to ask. I use to pray that my M would heal, but I couldn't pray about that this morning. So I just asked for guidance. I have the movers coming Friday morning to move me. We will be legallly separated, but I can't get a D for a year. During this time, I plan to really seek God, find a church, and really work on my relationship with God. The rest, if meant to be, will fall into place.

As I was in my quiet time, I also reflected, I want to feel safe in my marriage, and I don't. No matter how I look at it. I'm always anxious, waiting for the other shoe to drop. My H really hasn't given me any reasons to feel unsafe. He has stayed within most of the boundaries, yet everytime he leaves to go to work, run errands,etc. I worry. He also has purchased a new cell phone which he protects, but I don't feel as if I should ask to see his call history, given that I'm leaving.

Truly, I was so sure about D and yet the one thing I don't want to do is to disappoint God. Is this what God would want? I don't know that answer and truly I don't think I ever will. I've really tried for 3 years, but I'm no closer in really engaging in the marriage. My wall is still around me and I can't seem to tear it down. I can't be hurt like this again. It's too painful and I'm so affraid that if I stay in my marriage, I'm setting myself up.

Not,



Even if you do decide to stay married, this alone will make true recovery nearly impossible. You can't just go back to trusting someone who has betrayed you. I'd say that a job change would be a prerequisite for me before I even considered staying in the marriage.

Even though both my FWH and I consider our marriage recovered, I don't believe I will ever be 100% comfortable in his faithfullness when I'm not right there watching.

That fact is still very difficult for me because it makes me feel like a Fidelity Cop.

I think that most of we BS want our WS or FWS to not want to be unfaithful, to simply be as loyal to us as we have been to them because they love us. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I haven't cheated on my FWH because I never wanted to and the fact that the same was not true for him will always cause me pain.

I feel bad for you right now and hope that you gain some peace once you move.

Who

Well, it's official. I've moved into my apartment and my H is going about life as usual. And, I'm trying. While we were together, I kept asking that we try to catch a few hockey games and we always said that we would and just didn't. My H called Saturday night and guess where he was? You got it, att a hockey game. I feel like it was to rub in my face. But, the funny thing was, it didn't bother me. I didn't ask who he was with at the hockey game or ask any questions. I feel as though he has the right to do what he wants.


We talked this morning and he told me that I'm sure that I feel more comfortable without the "burden" of him. I assured him that he wasn't a burden and that he's still my best friend. I just don't believe, deep down in my heart, he will ever be a good husband. There are way too many things that scare me about him. His secrecy, his need for privacy, his need for me to be clingy, and his lack of "need" for sex. Something isn't right. I don't know what it is, but intuitively, it speaks to me. I don't know, maybe I'm imagining things. The separation may be good so I can step outside and look in. I think I may have a better feel for what it is that scares me.

Anyway, I'm not alone, I still have the holy spirit with me.

You know I'm now living alone and I'm okay. I thought it would be tougher. I don't know what to make of that. Am I at peace because I made the right decision, or have I finally just fallen out of love with my H, or was the damage so great that distance was the only thing that was going to cure me? Any thoughts and wisdom out there?

I'm still lurking although not much to post these days. I'm pretty content with my life right now. H does concern me, he e-mailed me yesterday and told me he thinks of me often. He's so sad, I almost feel guilty for leaving him, yet I didn't do anything to cause his A. I almost feel like I'm the failure, I'm the way one who caused our marriage to end.

Something is wrong here. I'm just going to mention two of them. Number one, he can either be your husband or nothing, thus, no in between. This whole best friend crap needs to stop. Second, you need to stop talking or emailing him so often, he got another woman. Now, it's almost like he's cheating on her emotionally with you on the side.

Hi NGUY

A while back you said


That you still feel sorry for him and stay in contact with him would infer that this is at least a LITTLE true.

It is to be expected I guess : you can;t invest in life with someone then turn that off overnight.

What I'd like to ask you to do is 'fake it till you make it".
This is a practice Dr H and other experts advise in learning to LOVE someone, but I know from working in a friends situation that the same technique can be used to UNlove someone.

Practice ACTIVELY moving on in your life. Build little mental routines that you invoke when yearning thoughts of your XH come into your mind. Even when you ache for a memory of him, fake indifference in your own mind strongly enough that eventually you believe it.

I advise this because contact with your H where he allows you to feel sorry for him will significantly slow down your healing.

If you have another reconciliation attempt in you, the you should commit to that. If you don't, then you should commit to "faking" indifference about your XH "until you make it".

I see only hurt while you allow yourself to be leveraged for sympathy by him.

Your choice of course, I can only speak from experience.

All blessings.

Never mind...

I've got to remind myself not to feed the trolls.

Notgiveup-

Just ignore BA.

Remember that the choice to have an A was your H's...completely. That's not your fault. You both were in the same marriage...but he chose to handle it differently than you did.

And things will get better. Just hang in there.

You know you guys are right. I'm fine until I talk to him then all the stuff comes creeping right back and I have to start the dang process all over. You know my daughter suggested that I write myself a letter. The days I second guess myself, read the letter as a reminder why I decided to leave. I think that's pretty good advise and I think I'll do just that.

I am moving on with my life, but there are without a doubt some very lonely times and the holidays are coming up and I'm becoming a little melancholy. I don't have any regrets in leaving as I know in my heart that was what I needed to do for me. It's just that because I'm such a giver, I feel for him, not so much me, but him. That's wierd, isn't it?