Last time I talked to WS was on Weds. He called to just let me know that work was so busy that he hadn't had time to check on how I was supposed to renew my military ID card. Which he is legally obligated to do while we are still married & he is still active duty. And I think they only reason he called is because he didn't want to get in trouble with his boss for not communicating with me. When he called, I was very calm and nice and didn't ask any questions. Each time I have asked any questions, they are met with silence. I guess in his mind I'm supposed to know how I've wronged him. And this frustrates me to no end.

LA:

Don't give up on contacting him. It could be that he is starting to realize how selfish his actions are. Good job on being in control!

that's what all my friends said to do. take back control. don't be a spaz on the phone.

Congratulations on alienating about half the members of this board. I and my H are both retired AF, so I've been both the active duty and the Air Force wife. I know that MOST military families sacrifice much for their active duty spouses...there's way more to it than staying home and having babies. I feel sad that you've stereotyped Air Force wives the same way that you accused them of stereotyping homosexuals.

...I'm disappointed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Those have been my experiences. Most military functions that I ever attended I sat there in silence because I had nothing in common with any of them and couldn't hold a conversation with them. None of our interests were ever the same. I quit going to his dinners, parties and events. He never asked about my work & I quit asking about his. And why would I be alienating people if I am just stating my experiences? I lived on 2 AFB's. I was the only married couple without any kids in a 2 block radius.

I just got off the phone with one of my friends who went through a really hard break up with his fiance over a year ago. He found out she was cheating 2 mos before the wedding. And he kinda gave me a guys POV on things. He said that he wants the old "take charge" me back & he is very sad to hear me this way. He says if he could get on a plane & come see me today that he would. But he's on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico working.

And I can't help but defend my WS to all my friends. To them he has turned into the biggest jerk ever and how can I trust him now & don't understand why I'd want to try & save my marriage. Sometimes I don't understand it myself.

Today I feel like I'm drowning & can't swim to keep my head above water. It's one of those days where I want to go to sleep & wake up somewhere else where I don't hurt.

A friend of mine who is in Israel right now for his job just called. He said he was worried about me and it was Saturday night & I couldn't be home alone. He put me on the list to see this band down in H'wood. He is sending me a car. Everyday I am amazed at how wonderful my friends have been for me. Friends calling me from all over the world giving me their support and strength and I can't get my husband to return a phone call. How screwed up is that? And yet I still adore & love him.

Even out just window shopping today I saw people at Macy's, Bloomingdales, Aveda and American Eagle that knew me because I buy stuff there & they were all hugging me and giving me their phone numbers. My makeup guy at Bloomy's even sat me in his chair & redid my makeup. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Then he said I couldn't cry it off. He gave me his ph# to call if I started to panic. His quote..."Girlllll...you are too fabulous to be crying all the time. Doesn't he know how beautiful and talented you are?"

I love my friends. Without them I would not be here now.

And I got a ton of free samples from Chanel, Smashbox & Aveda. I love free stuff. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So now I curl my hair because the car will be here at 7:15.

What started out as a horrible day is hopefully gonna end a bit easier & happier. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Got Love Busters book from Amazon today. Just reading over the table of contents I know that he, me, we, have done practically everything wrong. I started reading and the panic at what I've done is almost more than I can handle. But I think his silence is worse. Him not speaking to me. Just shutting himself off. That's the worst feeling in the world. I know I shouldn't beg him to talk to me, but I just want to. I want to call him & beg him for a 2nd chance. I know not everything is my fault, but it sure feels like it...

LA:

It is never just one person's fault, but you should be proud that you are willing to fight for your marriage and not give up.

Not giving up takes a lot of courage and determination. Giving up is the easy way out.

Therapy lady told me to not read LB if it upset me too much. But I want to read at least 1 chapter per day. That's my goal. First acting coach I ever had called today & said she would be praying for me. She also told me that I shouldn't give up. We said a prayer together and made me feel so much better. Then she said to me that I needed to really start pursuing acting because that weight loss will only help me. Turn the negative into a positive.

I went & renewed my military ID card today. I didn't think it would be as hard as it was. Going there & just seeing a uniform made my hands shake really bad and I got a lump in my throat & I could barely sign my name on the card. I called one of my friends and she talked to me on the drive home. But I still keep getting those darn chest pains and the shaking.

I actually talked to my very first acting coach today & she said to read the book of James in the Bible and she said that she was praying for me.

I want to call him and I want to talk to him, but some people say call him & some people say don't call him.

I'm just glad I can come here & vent.

I pray to God that this deployment will clear his fog.

LAsun,

Do you suppose the fact that you are NOT part of his life, look down on his life and the people her works with, and that you are off doing YOUR OWN THING and have been for 7 years just might be part of why he is not bothering to save or try and save this marriage.

When you read about LB's pay close attention to the MOST DEADLY of all LB's, it is called the Disrespectful Judgement, DJ for short. It is where you make assumptions and then act on them. Most of the time the assumptions are wrong and the actions actually make things worse.

You have shown a propensity for making DJ's on this thread, you have shown a propensity for NOT seeing his side of things, but simply yours. What is it that you brought or bring to this marriage?? What is it that you think your H will miss about your marriage?

Please think about this...carefully.

God Bless,

JL

Hey LA:

How are you doing tonight?

I don't know what his side of things are because he doesn't talk to me. He's never told me what his feelings are. Even when I asked. And I've asked him so many questions, but he never answers. I know I haven't been a good wife. And I'm trying to change and learn and don't want it to be too late. Because he never said anything I did my own thing. His constant silence and me not able to breakthough that silence. When we did talk early in our marriage he always said that he found me attractive because I was so happy & carefree and he said I was pretty. Over the years I became quieter and changed my personality to match his. I always supported his career and what he wanted to do, even though I was always scared. I thought he supported mine too.

I don't know what he will miss about our marriage. He won't return my phonecalls and when he does he won't talk about stuff like this. I get silence. And the silence is the worst.

And when I told him I felt uncomfortable at his military functions he said it was ok that I didn't have to go. I guess I shoulda just went and dealt with it.

But on the other hand, I always asked him to come to my recitals or my shows and he never came. I just thought he didn't want to because he didn't like theater or stuff like that.

And thanks so much for the over whelming feelings of dread and panic. Every time you post something I feel helpless, hopeless and that maybe I shouldn't even be trying.

That I've finally realized how bad I've messed up and I should never even thought of having a career. His career should've been my life. If I wanted him I shoulda just never considered a career. Maybe he wanted me to be a wife like his mom who did whatever her husband said to do?

I can't even read the book LB without crying and feeling like I'm gonna have a heart attack because I can see where he & I have done so many things wrong.

LA:

I had a feeling you might take that post harshly. As well meaning as everyone is on this site, some of the posts don't really come off as particularly well meaning, especially if they are giving us a 2 x 4 in the head. Well, sometimes we need that, and sometimes we just need someone to talk to. Hard to tell especially when posts are intermittent. However, my guess would be, since you really haven't had encourages signs from your WS yet, that you just need someone to talk to. Just my take.

Anyways, if you do find someone's posts objectionable, however well meaning, there is an ignore feature you can use. Just a thought.

One minute I think I have a chance and kinda have a handle on things and the next I don't. I call him once each day & I text him once each day. I try to keep things light and not lose it. I want him to feel good when I call. I don't want to be harsh. I want him back. I would leave all of this behind in a minute.

Since this has happened it has opened my eyes. I know how much he means to me. I know somewhere inside he still cares for me. I just want to make it better. Because I might survive physically, but emotionally I will be dead without him. I know that much now.

Well, your determination is very commendable.

Just make sure that in the midst of your plan, you leave room for life, and that should balance you out. All of this can be quite the burden, as I'm sure you know.

Everyday is a torment for me. If I can't get him to talk to me I know he is talking to her. Everyday is panic, fear, uncertainty and me questioning everthing I've ever done. I worry about everything now. Even more than usual.

LAsunshinegirl,

I am not an MC and can only speak from personal experience, but Just Learning was spot-on accurate in assessing my own marital situation three years ago. In retrospect, I could have taken his advice, and saved 3 years of my life by divorcing my wife. Instead, I knocked myself out trying to make Harley's principles work on a person who had no desire to be part of the effort. If I were you, I would listen very closely to what JL has to say. He's a wise person with a knack for bringing hidden problems to the surface.

So I'm to just give up? Not make any effort? Not try to fix my mistakes and try to let him know that I'm still here and not giving up?