Yeah, I changed the Dear Spouse to his name.


I tried really hard to get through today without tears, but they keep squeezing out every once in awhile.

I want to call OW and tell her what today is. I'm torn.

Don't call.

It sounds like things are going relatively well, if the tears are only squeezing out every once in a while.

Valentines Day plus your anniversary is a big trigger.

Too late. I called. Told her what today was/is. Told her if she were a respectable woman she wouldn't be messing with a married man. That I loved my husband very much. I don't know if it will do any good.

Had a mini meltdown kindof and I called a friend & talked for an hour. I feel a bit better now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA,
how did OW respond to your call??

She didn't answer. I left a message on her voicemail. But I hope it has some kind of effect. But I dunno. *shrugs* It made me feel a bit better though.

LA,
did you get any response from your WS??
bb

Not from the email I sent. But he did send me an email that he got the credit card mess fixed. But nothing in response to the email I sent that everybody here helped me with.

did he send you that response "yesterday"???

LA,

whatever you have done.......it doesn't seem to be having any affect. *I'm feeling with you*

It seems to me as if he has built a new life..........and due to the fact that you live so far away, it's easy for him.......

How long has it been since you've had no contact with him?? I don't exactly how long but it has been very long........did you ever set yourself a time limit and did you think what youa going to do............if he doesn't respond???

You've made improvements on yourself during this time and you've worked on yourself............no one can take that from you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I really hope that you haven't just made these changes with the hope that "he will change".............it's important to work on yourself and your wellbeing for "YOU"!!

Reading your thread and following it the whole time..........gets me thinking............

Is it possible for you to get on the plane and have an "eye to eye" talk with your WS???

No fighting, no arguements............but to really get the situation cleared........

I've been here for so long and I've been married for quit some time.........(28years) and even if it might work for some people to live a long-distant marriage..........it's usually almost impossible. An intact relationship might be able to work it out but a troubled relationship........I really don't know.

My marriage almost fell apart when we stopped sharing time with one another..........even though we were living in the same house.......sleeping in the same bed...........and eating at the same table.

I personally think it's now time for you to consider a new plan............

I hope I am not off-track..............I'm just thinking. I have a feeling that your WS's Emotional Needs are being fullfilled FULLBLAST from this OW........


hugs
bb

LA,

FWIW, I strongly agree that your situation is worse and has a lower probably of resulting in a recovered marriage simply because even in a firm plan B, your WH has gotten used to not having you a regular part of his life.

Married people were never meant to maintain separate households and doing so always takes a toll of a marriage. Being in the military, I've seen it over and over, and in those situations, the couples really had no choice.

I am so sorry, but it really does sound like your husband doesn't even really consider you to be his wife anymore.

That does not mean that you are wasting your time working on yourself, just that the improvements may not lead to a recovered marriage.

(((((LA))))))

Best,

Who

WEll, I finally talked to WS. He told me to stop calling OW. That our marriage was over before he met OW. He wanted to know if I'd signed the D papers & sent them back. I finally told him that I sent them to my lawyer. He became very agitated about me having a lawyer. I told him I needed to protect myself and that I didn't know what to do.

Tonight is the first time that I actually have to admit that my marriage is probably done.

WS has a way of making me feel worthless and unworthy.

I had a major meltdown panic attack and had to call a friend. I feel like I'm right back at the beginning.

He told me that one of the reasons he was retiring was because I humiliated him at work by calling the wing commander and asking for help. I told him that he did that to himself by not calling me back when I asked him to.

I'm so upset right now, that I am still shaking, crying and my chest still hurts.

I'm so sorry, Sunshine. I was afraid this might happen. I was really hoping it wouldn't, though.

You deserve SO much better!!!!

Hang in there!! It WILL get better!! It WILL. I never believed it would but I was wrong. I'm sorry I wished I was dead so the pain would go away. That was wrong, too.

You just keep your chin up, square your shoulders, take deep breaths and be proud you are the beautiful woman you are.

Inside and out.

(((((((Sunshine)))))))

Charlotte, that's what my friends say & what my therapist just said. She called me back so I could talk to her for abit. For so long I held out that there was some kind of chance for us.

I'm worried that he is really mad about the fact I have a lawyer.

He's trying to twist everything so it's all my fault.

(((((LA))))))))))))

That's what WS's do. They rewrite history. So they can have their affairs and tell the world "Well I was in such a bad marriage with such an awful spouse....she/he MADE me do it." WRONG! They always choose to have affairs themselves, and nothing the BS did made it happen. Because they cannot live with themselves and their decisions if they continue to think you are not to blame, they pretend you are so much worse than you really are. Sheesh, to them it has to be someone's fault, and no WS is going to blame themselves. And do not for a minute believe OW appeared only after he left. People rarely leave others without a back-up plan.

So he didn't mention the letter? And yet no word until you sent the letter and called OW? Hmmm...very interesting if you ask me. The anger from him is very telling. What prompted him to action? Why is he angry at you? No, it isn't because you rang the OW. It is because you caused a blip in his plan, that's why!

WS's always get upset when their happy little trysts in LALA Land are upset because a bolt of reality shoots out from the BS. That bolt of reality was your call to OW, LA. Think....how do you think that went down? I bet it wasn't pretty....

So now it is up to you to see if you want to keep fighting. It is a hard, hard call and nobody is going to blame you if you do decide to call it quits. It is all up to you.

Please read read read here. Many people have been right where you are tonight. Reading the experiences of others can help you immeasurably.

And finally, try to look after yourself. Eat, rest, keep busy. You are going to need all your energy no matter what you decide.

Nina

(((((Sunshine Girl))))), why on earth wouldn't you consult a lawyer? What does he expect - for you to sit back and let him walk all over you. It doesn't matter if he's mad or not - you need to protect yourself.

Take care. TT

I know. This just proves to me how messed up in the head he is. He would think that I would just roll over. And when I told him I needed to protect myself he go very agitated because he wanted to know why. I told him because there are certain things I deserve and I need to have the legal help to achieve that. I finally told him I wasn't going to talk to him about the divorce papers or my attorney anymore.

Don't let him get to you. Yeah, he's still fogged out. He's just annoyed because you aren't acquiescing to his will. Take care of yourself. Focus on you. He'll probably be annoyed with you - no matter what you do - for a long time. I know ws was. He seemed to be upset because I breathed. I figured that was his problem and continued to do what I needed to do to take care of me.

LA,
I'm so sorry you feel it's over...

I'd wait on signing any divorce papers.

I'm just curious and I'm not trying to say screw him over as much as possible...but have you asked for anything from him in regards to the divorce? 1/2 of the marital assets, part of his pension, alimony, spousal support...etc?

The reason I'm asking is because he has put how many years into the military? I find it hard to believe he's willing to give up half his pension at the drop of a hat... It could be that he knows exactly what he's doing by asking you to sign the papers... or... he’s doesn’t know and is oblivious to what he could loose financially… that he could loose half of everything. Or… He just doesn’t care…Maybe if you put some legal pressure on him and ask for the world he’ll re-think his position…

Ask for everything you can get… then stall… If he thinks he’s going to have to pay you half of $$$ for the rest of his life … he may start doubting his actions… I know you’ve been apart for a while but by stalling this will give you some extra time to work a plan and time for the affair to die…

Just a suggestion.

I've been stalling. And I don't think he really has a clue what I could do to him financially. I think he's so far into his little happy fog he is clueless. As my friend Maria said today, "Doesn't he know by now not to make you mad?!"

So we'll see what happens this week. I'm just gonna take it easy.

The atty called me this morning & said he filed my response. He said now we wait. We wait to see what WS does. Atty told me not to call OW anymore. LOL.... Said he doesn't want it to turn into a legal issue.

So that's where it stands right now. I'm just feeling empty and sad about the whole thing.