Good Morning!

I have read all of the post here and they are very helpful.

I agree I feel as though I am pulling this recovery along but there are many positive signs from ws. We had a good first week but of course it was the holidays and family was here. OW did come by the job site and drop off some of his medication but he told me about this, and so I did feel safe..he said she simply dropped it off. He told me last weekend that he had to give her some money to cover the last of his expenses...I was very uncomfortable with this, and said just that. He left the money in a mail box at one of the job sites. There is another issue ...

If you remember back in august I received a statement here at the house for almost twenty thousand dollars for a new Harley...the statement/loan was in his name. I was livid and he at first lied to me about this saying it was a mistake he did not know what I was talking about...all said and done he said there was a mistake in the loan proccess and the loan was suppose to be in her name...mistake? Come on bs...she apparently traded her old bike in and they bought this bike together. Since the loan is in his name he brought the bike home but told her as soon as she could get it refinanced in her name that she could have the bike. I was ok with this...although he says that she probably wont be able to finance it alone...well then how did she initially do it with HD? I said I did not care if we kept the bike but with a no contact policy I did not want her making the payments through him to our account...I asked him who's name the title was in..you guessed it both of their names!

We had a good weekend..yes I did work, however we had good times together in between, and spent time together with our daughter Sunday. A few triggors but I got passed them. Yeserday was one year he told me about his affair and it hardly crossed my mind. I did mention to him that I had these cd's that a friend gave me ..the twelve myths of marriage and asked him if he would like to listen to them and he said no, and asked me to just relax. He says that I am trying to hard to please him...actually I am doing nice things but definately nt sucking up as my daughter would say. He has been very loving and affectionate but does not seem to want to discuss "us." I think this may be part of his withdrawal although I really dont see signs of this like before. He seems very content and happy to be here, and unlike before we are both comfortable with each other. I really know all the details of the affair that I want to know and I also just want to move on..going back an rehashing it seems like it will just bring up old feelings we both have and want to move past.

I have just kind of ridden out this motorcycle thing, although I want her name off the title, or maybe we should just let the bike go back..then there is the credit issue..so I suggested we hire an attorney to get to the bottom of the "mistake" ...his only response is that he thought about this.

Input? I think we are still on a good path.

Yes, I am going to come off weekends...means working three days through the week..actually 3 nights. I am searching for a job in our hospital system a 7a - 3p situation..nothing yet but it will happen. I am a little leary of this as well because I hate to give up the money if the reconcilliation is not going to pan out..but I dont feel like that will happen...just the untrusting person I have become.

Mish

How is a married person able to enter into a joint credit agreement with a 3rd party? I'm not sure on the legal stuff, but I don't see how your H and OW could jointly buy a motorcycle together. If they in fact did, then both are on the hook for the payments, and if and when all the payments are made, both will jointly own the bike, no matter who paid for it. If I were you, I'd insist that he sell the bike. It sounds like any other option is going to involve a bunch complications with the OW etc. Is it worth it? It doesn't sound like it to me. And why would you want that thing around anyway? A nice glaring token of his time with her?

Mishes,

I'm glad to see you posted. I continue to think about you and pray for you.

Would your H be willing to do counseling with the Harley's? My H and I just had our 3rd session last night. It really, really is worth the money.

Jennifer doesn't have us dive into all the past stuff. It is more about staying in the present and creating a new relationship. The old one is dead.

If you can rummage up the money, it is WELL worth it.

Hang in there and post a lot. We are here for you.

Mishes,

I can't remember your details anymore. Can you list the actions that have taken place for you to come to the place of allowing H back home?

NC Letter?
MC?
15+ hours?
Emotional Needs questionnaire?

Where are you two in the recovery process? I've just read so many threads lately of BS early in recovery (like you and I), I can't keep it all straight anymore.

Thanks, Mishes.

Mishes, don't let the 'bike thing' sit and fester. Take care of this NOW. It will haunt you throughout recovery. It's a consequence of the A that this must be dealt with, the sooner the better. Selling the bike may be your best bet. There are legal ways to get out of this bike thing; she can sign the title over to him, for one, then you can refinance the bike, then sell it. Brainstorm together. Get this taken care of.

As for OW bringing things to your FWH; she should not be seeing your FWH AT ALL. No CONTACT means just that. There has been contact already. Tighten that up. Find a way for those things to be either dropped off after hours or just written off. No excuses. It's already too much.

If you can get into counseling, start NOW.

Avoiding the elephant in the room is not the best way to recover. You guys have problems that started BEFORE the A, and you both have lots of work to do. Why not start now?

The title is in their name the loan is in his. Your right about selling it...I did not think it would bother me but when he brought it out last week to go rideing with family members it did bother me.

Total honesty is the way to go, Mishes. Please, take it from someone who stifled herself for the past 6 months, it can only lead to anger, resentment and outbursts that you may not think you can contain.

It bothered you. Even if it's only a teensy bit, it bothered you. If this tiny seed of anger is left to grow, that Harley might end up on fire in the front yard, or driven off a cliff. Why not recoup that money instead? Spend it on a trip for you and your FWH.

Oh I had to chuckle at that one! I remember when ws first told me about the affair..the one day...monthes later that I DID explode I through out everything and anything that I knew meant something to him...the one thing I knew not to touch was that Harley. I said to him as I got in my car...you take that bike with you or I will not be responsible for what happens to it! Needless to say he did take it!

You know I have never been one to really hold back my feelings and thoughts to him..atleast I never did before all of this happened, and now I really find it difficult to talk to him about these things. Not that it really upsets me, on the contary..I would love it..I worry about upsetting him..I guess that is a trust thing too. I sit here and it is 446 ...he has only been home a week, and there really is nothing about his behavior to make me think anything negative..but I get this pit in my stomach sometimes..I feel like I m just waiting for him to come home and say he is leaving again. Does this take time..I suppose so. Is it a lack of confindence in him, or me? Both I suppose...I do not want to come across as needy anymore, but when I start feeling this way I just get all knotted up inside...I feel like I have to wait until the right time to bring different things up.......

Mish

Mish, there never is a RIGHT time. There is the moment something happens to really be intimate and honest. If you hold back for too long, that moment is gone and you have held onto sadness, pain or anger too long already.

Oh, goodness, that pit of the stomach thing. It's your enemy. I'm reading the book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers, PhD. That feeling has been related to fear in my existence. It could be stiffling.

He's home NOW, start talking now. As soon as something comes up, talk about it. If you don't, these things pile up and then you will find yourself hammering out an angry email or letter about your anger and about triggers that he is unaware of. Just handle it as it comes.

He's already shown you that he can leave, you've already shown him that you can exist without him. YOu guys have done that dance. Now, it's time to show that you can commit to honesty and oppeness, even in the face of adversity and fear.

This may take some time to accomplish. It took a long time to break the marriage down.

I've been reading along on Frozen's Buyer's thread. You might enjoy the reading, and learn some things about yourself.

And I did just that....

We had a great evening, he came home shortly after I posted and was tired but in a great mood. We had dinner wih the kids and spent time together as a family..lots of cutting up and laughing! When we got in bed he pulled me closer to him and we fell asleep spooned up.

I did not mention anything about the bike etc last night but this morning I casually asked him if he had heard anything new on the bike? His response was no that he had not heard from her or contacted her since the day she brought his meds by..I asked him if that bothered him..his response was not a bit! Before I would not have believed this but I do believe it because his actions back it up. I do not see him dazeing off, he is talkative and just generally happy! I asked him how he felt about selling the bike...he responded that it is a good possibility..he does not really want it. I said it feels like an omen or reminder of the last year of ****** we had been through and I would like to replace it.

Today is a new day..basketball game this afternoon.

I like the comment about honesty and openness even in the face of fear and adversity....we are getting there.

Mish

{{{{{{{{{{Mishes and WH and family}}}}}}}}}}

Ace

Wow, Mishes, GREAT JOB!!!

Keep that up. That strange fight or flight feeling will diminish as you continue with this path. You won't fear the answers, you'll just deal with them.

????

Mishes and Wh AND FAMILY ???

I dont understand ace?

mishes

Ace sent a hug characterized by: {{{ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> }}}} to u and your family. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


L.

Oh ok...thanks Ace!!! I love the hugs!!

Good night again...we went to daughters bb game 4and0 now then came home grilled some steaks and relaxed.

Again no serious talk...thats ok for now I suppose. We are planning to go away for a few days together after Christmas maybe this will give us some time to talk..as for now nothing seems too akward....I have my moments of the fight or flight but I agree over time this will get better.

Mish

Glad things are going better, Mishes....And I'm also thankful Orchid explained about my hugs.......(been sending them via post and email for months now.....so I'm glad you asked for clarification).

What is your plan, Mishes? SL gave you some specific steps to avoid what she's learned from experience.

Be careful that you don't get complacent to 'just wait and see'. You've been gifted with a scenario that many on these forums envy. You'll be able to maximize it by making a plan, writing it here for fine-tuning...asking questions when you're not sure and making sure your WH reads and knows it so he can start rebuilding your trust, and hopefully earning his "F" as in 'Former' before his WH.

It will take time, but please post your plans so we can help you.

I'm not able to post much but I will read when I can. Still praying for you, Mishes.

Ace

I also wouldn't wait for vacation time together to get into too many serious discussions. It is a good time to just enjoy being together. Some stuff may come up, but don't fixate or focus on them.

As for the Harley (Davidson, not the good Dr. we all know and love) conversation, IMO you need to be more open with what you need. If you need the bike to be gone, you need to say that--even if you are afraid. If your WS gets angry, discuss WHY. Even if it doesn't sell right away, I would discuss getting it 'on the Market' now.

If there is something specific nagging at you, talk about it now, not later. I cannot stress ENOUGH communicating these things.

There is nothing too specific...at times it seems like I have woken up from a bad dream things seem back to the way they were before all of this happened...minus the trust and absolute security in our relationship that I felt. I do not think this is necessarily a good thing...after all the affair went on under my nose for two years without me noticeing that "something" was wrong. I look back now and can see so many signs that were right in front of me and I either did not see or chose not to see...now sure which.

WS seems happy to be home...he smiles, laughs, is affectionate.

Why do you think I have not heard from her? I think that is kind of strange...

I am not sure what my plan is for now. I have read and will continue to read. I dont think we should just repress this and not discuss things...your right vacation should be vacation and it is a wonderful time to have fun together and build on our relationship as a couple..not sure what kind of plan to map out....I am going to go read, and get it together.

Mish

Have you both filled out the EN's survey? How about the Love Busters questionairre? Those things and reading and discussing many of the books suggested here have helped my W and I make progress and stay focused on making necessary changes to ourselves and our M.

I think you are right to be concerned about things feeling like they are going "back to where they were". Obviously, there were some pretty big problems "back then" and neither one of you should be willing to let your M fall back into those comfortable but unsuccessful patterns.

I have heard that things falling back into old patterns is EASY. This is where the communication comes in. Saying something like, "Honey, I really am concerned about falling back into old patterns and habits with each other, things that were a detriment to our marriage. I feel _____ about this. Be honest, open and talk about your fears.

Have you brought up MB's and their principles? Was one of your conditions for recovery counseling? Why not counsel with the Harleys? You have a great opportunity here, to get started with a real plan, guided by a trained professional. I would seize it.