My daughter is the one cheating on her H of 5 years. She is talking all the talk to her H, I don;t love you, we should never of married, you know the talk.

She has only know the OM for 4 weeks but swears she loves him and doesn't want to work on her marriage. She has moved into a friends house since her H says you are cheating you move I won't.

She took a cash advance to have an attorney draw up a disolution and her H will not sign nor will he put their house up for sale. He just wants to save this marriage.

I as a mother of this person am very disappointed in her and have not supported this affair in any way. We have major fights and she now refuses to talk to me, since I won't give her support.

We have exposed her affair to H's parents as well as to the OM parents and all her friends. She goes over to the OM house since he lives at home (at 30 years of age and still living at home, 4 DUI's and doesn't have a job.

She has been very loving when she see her H and asks him to events that are important to her, even cried in his arms saying she was so sorry and that she in fact did love him, but then the next day please sign the papers. She states that when the divorce is final she will feel so much better.

She will not go to counseling with H but is going to one herself who put her on some pills that seem to deaden her emotions.

How do I as a mother help and how does her H help since the mixed signals have him confused.

Thanks

You are a GOOD MOTHER who really does love her DD!! It is so refreshing to see a parent who really does support her child instead of enabling her!

Can you send your SIL here so we can help him? I would suggest that you both read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. It will help you both understand the dynamics of an affair.

Welcome to MB, my brave, good friend, I am sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Your SIL should be in Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Please tell him NOT to cooperate with any divorce schemes. I hope he has not signed anything yet. He should make her WORK very hard to divorce him and should never cooperate with anything. He should also get a very aggressive attorney that will help him drag out every little thing. See, this affair is going to crumble fast, so the goal here is to drag the divorce out as long as possible in order to outlast the affair. Also, making things difficult will make your DD have second thoughts, because it will inject reality into her little fantasy.

Perhaps you did mention this above, but if you haven't personally contacted the OM's parents and pled with them to use their influence with their son, I would suggest doing that. If I ever received such a call about my own son acting so trashy, there would be ****** to pay.

Hello YMD,

I agree with ML, get a copy of SAA, it will give you and SIL some sanity and a road map of a crazy making situation! Read everything you can on this site. Consider calling Dr. Harley on his radio show too!

I am a mother who's son was the adulterer, their marriage is 2+ years recovered. Recovery does happen!

Like you I supported my DIL to the hilt, not my son, not one bit! Even went with her to court appearances for a RO on the OW.

You've found the right place for you and your SIL, although I am very sorry this has happened to your family.

Keep in mind as crazy as it gets and as foggy as she sounds they can recover!

have printed information from this site for both my D and her H since he has not computer. Of course daughter thinks that anything I printed off the internet is trash and she can find lots to support her position.

She is running a marathon on Sunday and wants H to attend and he is leary of course of getting kicked in the teeth again with sign the papers which he will not do since he believes in marriage for life. Should he go?

Daughter sates to much wrong with the marriage and she will be better when it is just all over. Of course she forgets that I was seeing a lot of what she has re-written and didn't happen the way she says now.

Thanks

My youngest daughter was making some bad decisions at one point in her life. She also didn't want to talk to me, so I ended up writing to her. She changed her position soon after she got the letter. It wasn't infidelity, but maybe this will help you get started. Her issue was that she didn't want a "chance" at something get away from her, and she wanted to "live for today" - which is similar to affairs - that fantasy that we need to live for what only feels good, and not plan for the reality of life and tomorrow. Here's part of the letter I wrote her:

"It is with great hope that I write, that perhaps my words will somehow reach through what your friends say about me (you could put OM here) and what they believe of me. I hope to touch a part of who I know you to be deep inside. The daughter that resides deep within you, who sees the world as a good and beautiful place, filled mostly with people of worth, who deserve your endless depth of forgiveness, your constatnt stream of joy, and your contagious laughter. That is the daughter I am talking to now."

I spoke in here about the idea of fantasy. And about risk-taking, about the idea that we cannot live only for today - because we have reality and our future ahead of us. And that the future requires us to think ahead, to plan ahead. I told her that if I lived only for today, that I wouldn't pay rent for a whole month - why bother? I'd pay rent by the day. No guarantee I'd need the house for a month! And why even commit to anyone? I might "feel" differently tomorrow - heck, even thirty minutes from now if I'm having PMS.

I told her:

"A thinking person plans ahead. We don't live for one day, and we consider who we associate with. We understand our connections to people reflect on us. A thinking person hedges the bet for tomorrow in the middle. He knows the odds in life, and plays them smart.

He saves for the future, in case he lives to 100.

But, sure, he plays some wild cards for fun.

He holds back an ace or two, just in case he needs them later.

He plans for the long haul.

He makes contingency plans for emergencies.


Because I BELIEVE in the future, because I BELIEVE in the FANTASY of tomorrow, I have

RESPONSIBILITIES.

I have to teach my children things that are very hard to teach. Like what I'm trying to teach you right now.

So that I can love you into the future. And so that you will love yourself when you get there, too.

I have to work at things I don't necessarily want to do sometimes, so that I can do the things I want to do at other times.

I know life right now is not as you hoped. And you don't want to face the things you have to face.

But if you honor the responsibilities you have, and face them now, you will find that those around you will love you into the future and stand with you in this time of need.

Because we all know and BELIEVE in you."


She completely changed her mind about what she was going to do. And her idea that she no longer wanted to talk to us, or have us involved in her "adult" life.....

Because she wanted us there to love her into the future.

You hang in there, momma. Tell her you want to stand by her and love her through this - and get her husband onto this website so we can help him. BUT KEEP HER OFF OF HERE UNTIL SHE IS OUT OF THIS AFFAIR AND OUT OF THE FOG.

SB

How Refreshing!!!

Atually TWO moms here who did not support their children's destructive affairs.

I applaud you for standing up for what is right, and for using a little bit of tough love to try and lead them OUT of the the path of their own self-destruction.

I wish you were my in-laws.

Have your SIL call up Dr. Harley's radio show at 11pm central time and have him help to explain what he needs to do. He can also purchase surviving an affair, and print out plan A for him. Printing anything out for your daughter will be pretty much useless right now.

I wish that my MIL was still alive at the time of my WW's affair because she would have told my WW off. I think you can be a valuable asset to kill your daughter's affair. You can do all your SIL's dirty work to break up the affair, and he can't even be blamed for it (although your DD will try to). Do EVERYTHING in your power to break up WW and OM. I would call up OM and tell him to stay away from your daughter on a daily basis. I would call up OM's parents and harass them as well. I would call up your DD's friend whose house she is staying at. Your SIL should not go along with anything and just wait it out. He should stay in plan A for probably 3 months or so, and then move to plan B. All the meanwhile, you can help him fight his fights. Get other family members and friends to call your DD as well. I know she may try to avoid you, but the pressure you are putting on her will take it's toll on her and the affair.

Actually, while I am thrilled that this lady is standing up for what is right, I disagree that she should do "all of SIL's dirty work" as above poster suggested. I think part of the solution lies in HIM being assertive enough to do his own dirty work. When the fog lifts, I would think WW would have respect that he had been the one kicking OM's butt rather than Mom.

As a mom, I would attend the marathon and stand with her husband. I would ride with HIM. I would stand with HIM during the event. I would leave with HIM after the event.

I would hug her when she completed the marathon. And then I would take advantage of her accomplishment and say something like,

"Life is a marathon, too. I bet you experienced some times during this race where you thought it had you beat, but you stood strong and faced the hard time. I bet there was a moment when you thought you might not make it, but you forged on. This wasn't easy, but you did it! There's lots of things like that. Marriage is like that. We were here for you at the end of this difficult race, and we will be there at the end of your affair. And when you come home to your husband, we will be there then, too. Because you know what is right and true, and you know where home is."

You both tell her you love her.

And I would leave her there with that thought, and nothing more. Both of you hug her, and both of you walk away. Together.

She will get your message.

And yes, she will be angry. Your relationship can survive her being angry. But her future, her spirit, cannot survive her doing what she knows is not right. She will thank you for fighting her on this - sooner or later.

My daughter didn't commit adultery - but she nearly did a very stupid thing. She's finishing a committment that she made and almost walked out on. But she is so much happier that she is finishing, and so proud of herself now that she is doing what she knew to be the right thing. Because to do otherwise was to walk out on

herself.

And there was NO WAY that I would ever let her do that.

I had to love her into the future, even if she couldn't do it for herself right then.

SB

Thanks all for your support and advice. My D and I had a long conversation last night as she was feeling all alone and her H was not available since he was working. She calls him when she is crying and upset, but she feels that she can't forgive herself so no one else will be able to and the sooner she has a Divorce the sooner she will stop hurting and become the happy go lucky person she was before her marriage.

When she first told us of the breakdown of the M we had no clue as to the affair and when that came to light it all made sense. I am very close to her and have seen her and H interact many times and the things she claimed was wrong did not sit right with me.

She claims he can't fix all that is wrong and isn't fair to ask him to. I asked how many things would she need to fix or did she do anything wrong in the M and she said I am sure but can't think of any. She is always reaching out to her H in times of remorse and sadness because as she says she feels safe in him.

She is still talking to the OM everyday and sees him about 2 times a week, but swears it isn't because of him, even if their relantionship doesn't work she still wants a D.

Her H is steadfast in the fact of not signing anything but is worrying if she is at the point of doing to much damage and he might not want her back.

I explained plan B and will print this out for him.

Thanks.

They all say this. It is about as honest and reliable as a falling down drunk claiming that the real source of his problem is his wife's bad cooking rather than his excessive drinking. Her goal in this statement is to take the focus off her ADDICTION, the affair. If she admits that is the problem, then she will be obliged to fix it, and she has no intention right now of giving up her affair until the affair becomes too painful. But it is becoming very painful, because the light of exposure is killing it and making it very hard. Once the affair is over and she withdraws, her feelings for her H will come back.


Just keep the pressure up and make sure she knows she will never be able to darken your doorstep with this OM!

Trust me she knows this. We were spending Saturday together and her cell phone kept ringing. It was the OM and I said if this continues I am done spending this day with you since I cant support this. OM kept calling and calling and I said doesn't this seem controlling to you and her response was OM knows we fight and he just wants to be supportive. YEAH RIGHT left her standing in the middle of the mall and called a friend to come pick me up.

I speak to her H daily and offer him the advice I see on this broad. The fact when things get tough she reaches out to him and he is not LB anymore seems to draw her out more.

But then man she turns into a real B___ and no one can stand her at this time. I raised this women so I know she is not who she is now, but her H believes a lot of the stuff she is saying.

But with the help here and the stuff I have printed off for him to read hopefully that will help keep his siprits up.

Thanks

I hope you will continue supporting her in doing the right thing. She needs to work on the marriage that she has now. It is always harder to do the right thing and it would be easier to just divorce and start over. But part of being married is getting through the hard things.

I think that you should really start calling up OM and telling him to leave your DD the heck alone. There have been many stories of affairs broken up by the MIL. OM probably doesn't even know that you and your family despise him and won't welcome him to your family. Your daughter has been filtering that out for him. Most OM will walk away when the heat gets turned up because the A is more trouble than they are willing to deal with.

Well, I don't know about the "many" stories that Jim is referring to, but I'd sure like to! I think it is WONDERFUL when parents stand up for what is right with their children...I especially feel that way because, Mr. W and myself are one of those stories...

YMD, I am a FWW...My mother was instrumental in why my affair ended and Mr. W and I now are in a very happy recovered marriage...And like Jim suggested, she did call OM herself after discussing what would be said with Mr. W...OM dumped me the very next day-THANK GOD-I don't know what would have happened if that intervention would not have taken place...I can't tell you how grateful I am to both my mom and Mr. W and I tell them often...I am awed by how much they both love me...I am very blessed...

I think calling OM and letting him know that you will NEVER accept him into your family could go a long way...Tell him that he will NEVER be allowed to darken your doorstep-EVER...And I think you should personally speak to his parents too...Tell them you need their help and also let them know tht you won't be accepting their son into the fold...Will you do that YMD?

You are a wonderful mom YMD...One day your daughter will thank you...

Mrs. W

Well I did it, called the OM what an looser and biggest AS___e. He says they love each other and will be together wether we liked it or not. ( after 4 weeks) PLEASE!! He could care less if I was a part of his life or not and has no disire to step on my doorstep. He states he will be moving to Florida for a job and will be asking D to go.

I will continue to voice my objections to the D and have her H continue in Plan A. H also called his parents since he lives at home and the response was he is 30 years old and a man he will do want he wants. How about you live under my roof and I will have none of this going on.

I just hope D comes around before it is to late. I don't know how much more the H can take. He is a good old country boy and they have their own type of justice and the kicking while he is down is not going over well.

Thanks

Good for you!

Now it's all out in the open. They both know exactly where you stand.

He's very insecure.

He's so concerned about you not liking him that he wants to move away to protect his A from you.

I doubt he'll do any kind of moving...this guy sounds like such a slacker it's difficult for him to get his rear end off the couch, let alone move to another state.

My suggestion is to plan A her too....no arguing or trying to educate her, simply speak your truth... And reverse babble w/ her.

Spend as much time as you can w/ her. Let him worry about what you might be saying to her about him. It will cause all sorts of love busting between them. He will insist that she stop speaking to you. And if you are plan Aing her, it will be tough for her to do that. Soooooo, lots of love busting will go on between them.

~ Marsh

Could very well be they want this freeloader out of their house so badly they will support anything that might get him to move out. That or they are off the charts co-dependent and will do anything they think will keep him happy.