SIL is in turmoil right now, D has told him that she needs a couple of days to think about things and she knows that the OM is not what is needs, but she doesn't think her marriage is either.

Of course since she moved out of the martial home SIL really doesn't know what she is doing. He thinks that he should just be there through this time when she reaches out to him. I told him what you have been saying about plan B and how this might hurt his love for her.

He thinks he needs to be here for D now and if he isn't that will push her back to the OM. We found out the the OM broke it off with her at his father request.

SIL has said he hopes she doesn't try to go back to the OM because if that is the case since she had promised the OM not to contact or see her H that would probably be the end and she will not contact him if D and OM get back.

YMD, your SIL does need to be there for her right now. He just needs to calm down and sit back while the affair crumbles. Tell him he is right to not interfere while the enemy [enemy=affair] is self destructing.

Your D is going to use the next couple of days to try and get the OM back and when that falls through, she will be back. Tell him not to despair, that the affair is in its death throes because of all the conflict wrought by both families.

It sounds as if your SIL is doing a fairly good job in response to your daughter's very typical agenda.

Apparently, in spite of saying otherwise, the OM's parents are telling their son to end the adultery and are objecting to him bringing your daughter to their home anymore. That's great news!

Be careful: In spite of whatever you daughter claims right now her agenda is still to soemhow find a way to keep both the OM and her husband in her life as long as possible. She had to tell the OM she would try to coerce her husband into signing the papers and stop having contact with her husband or else the OM is going to dump her. As Mr. Wondering warned: she wants to quiz you about what the OM's father said on the phone in the hopes of finding some way to twist it to her advantage.

THIS is the part of the adultery that REALLY hurts IMHO: the deceptive mind games the adulterer plays in their desparate attempt to perform cpr on the dying adultery. She has very inappropriate EXPECTATIONS of you and her husband and is not concerned with anyone's feelings. The ONLY thing she is concerned about right now is getting her next fix. And her drug dealer knows that too and will exploit it to his own advantage. But sooner than she realizes he will simply seek out another woman who is a lot less trouble. I've seen adulterers behave this cruelly to even their own children - acting as if they are simply excess baggage preventing them from being carefree and unattached enough to keep the OP's interest minus complications.

But take heart because in MOST cases this stage is temporary. The fact that your daughter hasn't even known this OM for more than two months and that exposure/objection to the adultery happened so soon in the process, is going to work against the adultery.

Also, be aware that sometimes the adulterers claim they have broken up for good several times before it's really over.

OMG, I am at my wits end with this whole thing. I am about ready to just give up. OM called D and accused her H was doing something to his truck. D calls her H and asked him if he did anything to the OM truck and H says no he has been home all day and wouldn't do something that childish.
D says well OM thinks you did.

Then Om shows up at SIL's house with the polic and accuse him of doing something to his truck. SIL says no I didn't and the OM says well your wife thinks you did, so SIL goes off and says man I'm pissed at both of you but mostly at my W since she is cheating and suppose to love me, and man you can have her shes crazy and I am done. The police says that maybe they both should just not talk to each other and leave this alone and told the OM to go home.

Then D calls H and tells him that she is getting an apartment with a friend of both of them who is also cheating and getting a divorce. SIL says how you paying for this since you still have to pay the mortgage and D says I don't know I will figure it out later.

SIL says to her look I have tried my damnest to be there for you but you continue to dig a deeper hole and I just need you out of my life. I don't want to speak or hear from you, I am done. D says you going to sign the disolution papers since you are the one holding this all up. SIL says you know the OM parents hate what you are doing and D says no the OM says his parents love me.

D asked again about the papers and SIL says I have to go and hung up the phone.

I know my D financial situation and she no more can afford an apartment. She has no money after she contributes to the household bills.

I think I have calmed SIL down, he leaves tomorrow for out of town and will be back Monday, and then he plans on going to Plan B.

Wow, you have a very difficult situation on your hands. I can't offer any advise, but keep your head up and tell your SIL that you support him. These situations are the most bizarre human behavior you will ever see.

Ryan.

"the OM broke it off with her at his father request"


I don't believe this is true - probably partly true.

I think OM is growing tired of the drama, and is repeatedly dumping your D. He is no longer in his fantasy world of easy sex, easy-going fun, and no responsibilities. She changed that when they got caught, and she upped the ante by demanding he be her rescuer and expecting him to commit to her.

He doesn't sound like the committing kind to me.

So, as usual, he's blaming someone else for his "having" to do something in his life - "having" to break up with your D.

He probably blames the bartender or friends for his DUIs (they forced him to drink, ya' know).

And blames the job market for his unemployment.

Soon enough, he will blame your D for this mess. And she won't like him for that.

Tell your SIL it's only a matter of time - just hang on, it's about to hit the fan in turdville.


SB

Agree with schoolbus, all the conflict is causing this affair to crumble. Tell your SIL to just kick back and be as polite as possible when your D calls. Affairland is crumbling fast!

OK, I partly agree with schoolbus:
"he's blaming someone else for his "having" to do something in his life - "having" to break up with your D."

I do think it's likely the OM's parents are telling him to break up with your daughter BUT I also think he's been trying to dump your daughter for a LOT of reasons: his parents' aren't supporting the adultery anymore, exposure has ruined the fun of sneaking around, your daughter needs emotional and financial support from him now which he never intended to give her.

My WXH's last OW tried to pretend that she was dumping my WH because she was supposedly afraid of me. She claimed that the fact I had contacted her by phone scared so much that they had to break up. As far as I know my WXH still believes that lie years later and still hates me for scaring her away in spite of the OW now telling everyone she only dated my WH because she felt sorry for him. It sounds as if this OM is using the same tactic - pretending your SIL is threatening him as an excuse to break up with your daughter. I guess it is an excuse for breaking up that the WS is more likely to believe since it lets them continue to pretend the OP was their soulmate but that their mean old BS scared them away. And it gives the WS an excuse to vent their hurt and anger at the BS during withdrawal. Since your daughter's adultery has been so brief and a first-time instead of serial adultery, she most likely will eventually stop blaming your SIL for scaring off the OM.

Advise your SIL to change the locks on his home before he leaves on his business trip and/or to have a trusted friend or relative housesit for him while he is away.

Sound advice ... your SIL won't stand for much more insults / humiliation if he hasn't crossed that line already.

YMD,

You've done a GREAT job, but frankly from my perspective as a BH, (and also a "good ole country boy") your SIL simply WON'T stand for having his "face rubbed in it" much longer. For this entire thread, I have felt a kinship with your SIL, as it seems from the tidbits of info that you and he have provided that he is just a younger version of myself.

Men like your SIL have a lot of PRIDE and your D's actions have torn at that pride and ripped it to its core. I hope not, but you may actually win the battle against the OM only to lose the war when your SIL simply won't be able to forget all of the humiliation she has rained down on him and turn to plan D for his own self-protection.

I know it has to be hard to fight this battle on two fronts, but your SIL probably needs some serious "atta-boys" to help prop up his pride and self-esteem. He seems like a great guy that doesn't deserve any of the BS he's been forced to deal with through no fault of his own.

If and when your D peaks out from the fog and starts to listen to you, she needs to understand just how much she's damaged her husband and she will need to work EXTRA hard and show true remorse early and often to help heal the wounds SHE inflicted.

IMHO, at this point, with the A crumbling but still breathing, your SIL needs you more now than your D. She is going to crash and burn, and there's nothing you can do to prevent that, but for her sake and your SIL, she will need a soft place to land once this is over. If your SIL has already said "F it" because of her A behavior, then your D's REAL problems will only be just beginning.

It's is time for your SIL to go to plan B. This will temporarily throw your WW in OM's arms, but we all know that relationship is crumbling, so going to plan B will only make it crumble faster. You can be his intermediary and collect money from her for bills. Other than that you can just plan B her as well.

Ok the marriage is pretty much over and my D needs prayers and so do I. I got an emercency call from my SIL this morning that my D had abortion yesterday and needed my help.

I have been with her all day and she is a basket case, which I am really trying to be there for her but I need some time to deal with this to.

She is just talking crazy amd begging her H to stay with her, and of course he can't do that. Which I totally understand since this boy has been through so mcuh and I think this was the final blow.

She thought that if she did this the OM would stay with her, trust me she wouldn't normally do this. I am wits end trying to undersatnd this type addiction and how she could let this happen. Even after this she says she still loves the OM and just wants to hate him. The kicker is this a-- made her pay for it.

I am trying to be strong for her, but I need soem time to uncerstand this myself. I keep asking how this all happened I mean come on this guy was't even man enought to stand by her side through this whole thing.

I gotta go now and take a hot bath a glass of wine and cry.

I will keep you posted, thanks I think of you all as friends and you have been so helful.

oh my gosh. you daughter needs some serious help. i would almost want to say that she needs to actually get some inpatient psychiatric treatment in a private facility. she is going to not only need help mentally for the abortion (which she will grieve doing for a very long time) but also to try and sort out why in the world she has been acting so wrecklessly and destroying the best thing she had: a marriage with your SIL.

as far as your SIL, i understand having had enough. it took me almost 4 years but the last straw was when the latest ow's husband, one of our town cops, came and told me not only of the affair my husband was having with his wife, but of all the women he had been with in the last year or two. i just suddenly snapped and said "i can't do this anymore". after your wife aborting another man's child i don't think anyone would blame your SIL for bolting. she has about sucked him dry.

but.... maybe if she gets help, deep intense help, and he has some time alone to heal, maybe one day they could start again.

get your daughter some help.....

mlhb

I am so sick about this, YMD, and so sorry for you and your SIL, and most especially your unborn grandchild. Your D is making such tragically evil choices that will haunt her for life. I will say a prayer for you all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

YMD, I have been trying to follow your situation and praying for all of you. This is a sad turn of events. I think I've missed a piece of the story somewhere. I didn't realize your D was pregnant. Do you know if the baby belonged to her H or the OM?

I am sorry for you, your H and your SIL. Your daughter is showing herself to be an evil woman capable of anything.

Your SIL would do well to put a lot of distance between him and his "wife." You might do well to distance yourself from her too.

I hope you find your peace with what she has done to your whole family.

I hear what you are all saying and I am working on getting her all the help I can. I know my D and this was not her, but in a way I guess it was cause she chose the action she took.

I am also blaming myself because I went dark and I think that was the time she needed me the most. I don't know if she would have reached out or not, she tried to reach out to her H but backed away and did what she did. The baby would have been the OM's, but her H told her that if you would have just told me I would have been there through out the whole thing.

This OM is a jerk and just took her to the clinic, then after dropped her off at her car and then called her on his cell phone and broke it off with her.

We will get her all the help she needs, and also we will help SIL get past ths also.

Thanks for your support.

You are NOT to blame for your D's actions. She chose to have an A, she had unprotected s*x with another man, and we all know there are consequences of that alone.

She is an adult.

Yes, You are doing all you can do. Do not second guess yourself. Some WS have to hit rock bottom before they can lift themselves back up. It has to hurt THEM.

She's going to hurt, but it was her choice. Never prevent a person from feeling the consequences of their own actions. They will never learn from their mistakes.

All of you are going to need alot of support. My prayers to you.

Praying for you and your family.

Wow...........just wow. Im speechless.

Good Bless you for hanging in there and trying to help.

Is your daughter going to counseling? Does your community have any post-abortion counseling services? BTW, it is very typical for the biological father of an aborted baby to dump the woman as soon as she goes through with the abortion, despicable considering that sometimes the woman aborted in a vain attempt to keep the relationship with the man and then in a high percentage of cases the relationship ends anyway.

I'm so sorry that your innocent grandchild's life was taken.
Had she even told you or her husband that she was pregnant?
You are not to blame, she didn't want you to help her to end the adultery or to save the baby. Wayward's only care about extending the adultery. SHE decided that the her realtionship with OM meant more to her than her ealtionship with her own mother, her husband, and even her baby's life. You see how great a cost she was willing to pay to try to keep OM.

Maybe now she will finally see she is hitting rock bottom and who the people are who really love her. She is addicted to this OM. She needs to ask herself if he's even worth it. She needs to acknowledge that he's not.