Believer,

I'm trying to follow your example and make a good life. This is so much of an emotional roller coaster. On good days, I don't want him back, then something like this happens and I get smacked with the fact that I probably do. How can I be so wishy-washy? I just can't believe that someone I was M to for 34 years is a person that I don't know. He's hostile. You would think that it is he doing Plan B on me. Not sure the MB principles are working in my situation.

Smartie,

I know exactly where you are coming from. I was almost going to file for the D just because I needed to protect myself. I guess when he filed, it hit me that he doesn't want to be M to me. I guess it hurts.

In the LSA, I was pretty generous actually. I asked that he take the cc debt racked up supporting OW, and that I would take my business debt and my business (a whole lot more debt than he took). He is now wanting me to take 1/2 of that cc debt!. He's also asking for an accounting of bank balances, savings etc. Like I'm a criminal or something.

So I got mad. I told my atty that I now want him to take 1/2 of my business debt, and that I want an accounting of all monies that he gave to OW. He gave her money but wouldn't tell me how much. I also now want accounting of where all the credit card cash withdrawals went. I know that they went to support OW, but I may not be able to prove anything. I just didn't want to drag that into it. I was willing to let it go.

So, by being ugly he is probably going to increase his debt load by 2X, possibly 3x because I have to end up closing my business down. Just doesn't bring in enough to support me on it's own, and I can't manage it and a full time job too.

So, that's where I am. I tried to be too nice. I just didn't want it to get ugly in case we could recover.

I will be in Charlotte again, so will let you know. Are you near Water Ridge Parkway? That's where I'll be. I know it is very close to the airport. Stayed at the Doubletree there last week.

Chai

Your current development with your WH actually sounds similar to the situation b/t OW and her BH. At first, he was going to be really nice to her in their divorce settlement. She actually could have walked away from the M with some spousal support for a year, no CS for her two minor sons, and having BH take on all martial debt. It would have been a pretty sweet deal for her since she works two jobs to support herself and my WH, and she's still pretty broke.

But for some reason, rather than take the money and ride off into the sunset, she got herself a hotshot lawyer (can you say legal fees?) and now they are heading to what looks like a very nasty and drawn out D process. Go figure... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I'm not trying to discourage you here, I'm just saying that it seems like some WSs can't let well enough alone...so to speak.

I know where Water Ridge is, but it doesn't matter where you are when you in town next--I can find you and meet up anywhere.

Smartie

Smartie,

I will definitely let you know next time I'm there. My corp HQ is there, so I'll be there again sometime.

Yes, now I'm going back asking for things I didn't ask for before - 1/2 of life ins cash value, 1/2 of a small pension, etc. These were somewhat small things so I didn't make a big deal about it then, but will ask now.

Bottom line is that I'll come out better, he won't. The scales were tipped in his favor before, now they'll be even. I don't get it.

Somedays I still can't believe that this has happened....

Hey Chai,

So sorry for your pain and frustration. You gave it your best shot to make it easier on him and he chose NOT to cooperate. His loss.

How's your DD? Miss M's advice for tough love may seem difficult but it should hasten her hitting bottom so she can begin to climb back up. Hard to endure, I know....but many have come out on the other side in a much better position than they expected.

We're rooting for you.

Ace

Hi Ace,

Thanks for the support. I expected this D thing, but didn't expect that it would hit me as hard as it did. I guess there is always that part of you that still wants to believe that your WS won't really end it all.

I've told DD that I won't and can't help her anymore, and she hasn't called me for 4 days now. I worry about her, but she has to be the one to decide what to do.

Well I spoke with Jennifer tonight and she told me what I suspected - chances are pretty slim right now. She had me email another "hearfelt plea" but I doubt he'll answer. She feels that it is worth another shot. I dunno. My shots keep missing.

We talked about ugly D's, of which this is certainly going to become, and she said it makes recovery very hard indeed. She says I need to proceed as though recovery will not happen. Protect my financial situation. Period.

She recommened that I follow a formula and keep emotions out of it, but boy, is that hard. Just let the atty handle the whole thing, and don't contact me unless the solution fits the formula.

So tragic. I'm about to lose a business, a retirement fund, any savings, and come out the other end with major debt. All at the time when I should be looking at setting myself up for retirement. I'm basically about to lose everything that we've worked for over the last 35 years.

Sorry to hear about all you are losing, Chai. But you will do just fine.

All my dreams were destroyed by the affair, and everything is great now. It is not the life I planned, but things are good.

How is hubby going to come out if you divorce?

Hi Believer,

Well, it is going to be similar to your situation. Splitting everything, neither one of us will come out with much. I refuse to take any part of the debt that he ran up with OW, so I'm going to have to have atty get all of those cc receipts.

Our plan was basically a 3/5 year plan - Business debt would be paid off in three years (it was our retirement job), house almost paid off in 5 years. We were then going to downsize and start preparing for retirement.

Now I can't hang onto the business so will be forced to close it down which will leave lots of debt. We lost on the house because of WH's neglect and the down market. Atty fees are going to kill me.

It's just ugly. Five years from now we would have been set for retirement. Now we're basically wiped out.

What would you bet that WH does not even connect all of this with his A?

{{{{{{{{{{Chai}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so thinking about you.....

Thanks Queenie. It's a rough road ahead for me, but I've just gotten into the mindset that it's going to get much worse before it gets better. I figure that the worst thing is bankruptcy. At least I'll have a place to live because I don't think they can take your house.

Hi Chai,

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{CHAI}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Don't know what to say so I'll just give ya a hug for starters. You certainly have more than your share of challenges.

When I got overwhelmed and nearly gave up, I pulled myself up by the bootstraps.....and by writing a tiny list of what I was grateful for. As the days went on, the list grew.

This was before I knew about MB, of course. I didn't have someone like Believer or Mimi or Luna who had 'been-there-done-that' to support me. Continue to lean on the help here like you are, Chai.

I'll keep praying for your and your DD. How is she doing?

Ace

You need to work hard on getting all the receipts together. It is doubtful that it will be settled in court. Usually the attorneys work something out.

You can always file for bankruptcy. They can't take your home.

Then you can just start over.

And I still think your hubby might be coming back. Some of them are so stubborn they need to go the whole route. Mine even went through the divorce before he woke up. Too bad for him.

Ace, Believer:

Thanks so much for your support. Don't know how I would have survived the last 8 months without MB and all of you.

Yes Ace, I need to make a list of good things. Some days it seems as if there aren't any, but it's pouring rain here and I'm thinking how thankful I am that I have a nice roof over my head. That's number one. And a job. Number two. So yes, there are things to be thankful for.

My DD? Oh where to begin. I just don't think that I can post about that now, but it is not good. I keep thinking the bottom has to be somewhere near, but it just isn't I'm afraid.

Believer, I so admire you for being able to live through all of this at our age. Everyone works for 30-40yrs to prepare for retirement, and dang, I was almost there and now POOF! gone in a few months. What a tragedy. All for something that likely won't last.

There must be a bright side to all of this, but I sure can't see it. My poor little body can't support another monkey on it's back, and the ones that are on there now are holding tight.

Chai -

I know exactly how you feel. We'd been dreaming of retiring when the affair hit. All my married life was a struggle, working, raising 8 kids, taking care of the home.

My ex and I had dreams of taking a tour of Europe and Australia on a Harley. I thought we were set for life.

Then it all went POOF with the affair. Now we each have half of what we had. He is struggling financially. The only good thing is that I used the affair months to make changes and prepare for a good life.

I'm living that now.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((CL)))))))))))))))))))))))



...yet!

...because I believe....BELIEVER!

(((((((((((((((((((((((B))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Luna,

Thanks for dropping by. I appreciate the words of encouragement. In a little slump right now, so it helps to know you all are out there.

So Believer, please tell me why your life is good right now. What did you do to get there? How did you put the end of a long term M behind you?

Chai -

Well, when I first came here I was a mess. The folks here showed me I could go on. There was a time where I couldn't picture life without my husband.

That is what I like about the plans here. Either you get back together and have a better marriage, or you are able to move on alone.

And this stuff takes time. It goes way slower than we want.

I'm having a hard time letting it go because it feels like if I do, I've lost the last 34 years - like they were for nothing. Like I wasted my life or something.

Maybe it's just part of the process, I don't know. And now tearing apart all of the assets, having attys involved, etc. I guess I just don't understand how they walk away from us so easily....

It isn't easy for them. It seems like it is, but only because of the affair.

My ex was so far gone, I thought it was hopeless. But as soon as the affair ended, we wanted to come back.

The Harleys have it right.

Hi Chai,

I see you are in good hands. I just walked in the door a little while ago. I had the funnest day with JT, my boys and a lacrosse game and then going to the mall with me. I went to an AA meeting and then went over to my friends house who just lost her son.

I had a blast. I had to laugh, because they want to fix me up with her brother in law. I won't of course, but it was nice to laugh and dream for just a few.

Then my son came to pick me up. He brought his old GF who I miss so much. He walked in the door and got bit by their dog. I know it hurt. We took care of him and then he brought me home.

I have to tell you, I was thinking about you saying how you are alone. I PROMISE you, you are not EVER alone. G-d is always with you and so are we on here.

I am here day and night. You have my cell phone, email and permission to call me anytime. I am holding your hand and hearing your pain, but you will make it through this. I don't know how, or when, but it will be ok.

For the both of us. I believe that, I really really do.