well sadly I feel her pulling further and further away. She makes more excuses to be either in her room alone or out running errands, typically leaving me to watch our daughter. I haven't been served yet but I know it's only a matter of time. My lawyer is convinced there is a mental issue here and has suggested it is typical of post=partum.

I still try but I an't get my hands on the phone and I can't easily cut my internet access. I spoke to my service provider, hoping I could pay for, but suspend my internet account and they can only cancel (leaving her able to sign up in her name). Sadly, the customer service rep I spoke with said this is (online internet affair) is happening more and more.

Thanks again all,
-jc

Update for anyone who may still be curious...
I was served last week. I managed to block SOME of the programs she uses to contact OM at the router level, which resulted in her resetting the router to factory defaults, thinking that would clear up her connection problems. Of course that wiped out our account info and I realized she didn't have that to reestablish service. She has reset our pasword twice and I've set it back and spoken at length to our service provider to block any changes to our account but for me so our account remains shut off.

Still she retreats and doesn't spew venom at me, which tells me she is getting access somehow though I haven't figured out how yet. Found some medical records from last year when she was suffering from an unknown neurological disorder. She saw two doctors and according to the progress reports they both diagnosed her with depression and the last visit (approximately 4 months before the affair began from what I can tell) states that WW feels she has suffered from "mild" depression since the birth of DD, which is four years ago this Sunday. Also of note the last thing the doctor said was "(WW) says her marriage is good"

May be helpful in legal proceedings but she is clearly done with us and doesn't want to even consider counseling or trying to save things as he "makes her happy" and she's been depressed for years

Thanks to all who read and provided input over the weeks
-jc

I'm working with Jennifer Harley right now (as opposed to Steven) and it's going very well for me. I was hesitant about phone counseling, but to me it has been much more useful than regular MC. I was able to cover more ground in one session than a whole month of weekly regular counseling. I can tell you it's a great investment.

Thanks for your input, mbm - good to hear from someone on the other side of what I'm going through <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If I could get WW to participate in counseling I would consider it a step forward. Apparently OM had second thoughts when he read a profile of mine that stated she was leaving me for him - WW had told him otherwise. She seems to honestly feel that there is no connection between the A and the death of our marriage. She convinced OM that she was done before the A started so I guess they're back together.

I have begun seeing a new MC that I like, although she advises to "not try to control the situation" I think I will set up a convo with the Harleys just for another viewpoint and to see what they say.

Thanks again!
-jc

JC:

What's up with this:

"I have begun seeing a new MC that I like, although she advises to "not try to control the situation""

TRY NOT TO CONTROL THE SITUATION?

You should, on ALL LEVELS, try to CONTROL YOUR SITUATION.

Cut off the internet. Your CONTROL
Secure your FINACCES. Your CONTROL.
PLAN A Your SPOUSE. YOUR Control
Contact the freaking OM and EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE. YOUR CONTROL

You have given up control.

Your being the proverbial Armadillo on the Texas Hi-way. Its just a matter of TIME till your SQUASHED.

Turn. And run to the edge of the road. And take control.

How MUCH do you THINK the DIVORCE will cost? The attorney? The realtor? The lender of the NEW loan? Oh, and by the way, the destruction of your DD happy home? WHAT do you think that IS WORTH?

And you still haven't paid for the info on OM?

TAKE CONTROL.

Drop the dime for either the PI or intellius.com. And then Blow the OM up.

The OM might just think that he has a honey from the US that is going to make things REALLY great for him.

Oh, Theres A kid? Theres a Husband? You don't work? You have no assets? You can't support me?

Please, take control of your life.

Pick up ALL THE COMPUTERS In your house and drive them to a SECURE location and LOCK THEM UP.

Cancel the Cell phone Account.

When Angry WW asks why you did it, State: I'm doing what it TAKES to SAVE THIS Marriage.

And Plan A your BUTT OFF.

Marriage DEAD before OM? Sure. What have you DONE to change THAT?

Sorry about the 2x4. But please.

MrW has given you great advice, and so has Mel. Please, TAKE CONTROL.

LG

JC:

You do not need to lock up all the computers. Simply get a program that logs and blocks whatevery you want blocked, messenger or specific sites.

A solid investment. I think all homes need it, especially if they have children.

Scott:

He HAS tried that.

She WORKS around it.

LG

Mel,
This is what I can't wrap my head around when it comes to WS. This poster's WW was given an 800 number to contact OM and she see's nothing suspicious about that. I have only been coming here a few months and I have seen a few times where the WS ends up getting burned when the flags where there. Then THEY feel betrayed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> What are MB thoughts on feeding info to WS that makes them question if OP is telling the truth? In this case I was thinking about her family asking questions like "did he give you another number to call? Did he give you an address you can send something to? etc.

have your lawyer proceed with you obtaining full custody..
full of verbage about how she is free to go but block her from exposing to daughter....

no overnights with non-family members etc....

give her visitation...

tell her she will not create a revolving door of strange men in to your daughters life...

ark

JC:

I can get a 1-800 number for about $20 a month, plus the long distance charges. And if the company I work for pays the bill, then who cares what it COSTS?

It could also just be a calling card number that OM is refilling and the ACTUAL phone number called is something else.

Call the number. See what happens. If OM Actually answers? Then just say: "Sorry, I thought I was reaching "Maximum Plumbing" or some such # and hang up. Call from the office, or another calling card number for example, to hide yourself.

If your get a secretary, or a calling card info line, then you know a little more.

LG

I still agree with the advice that you've been given. You need to set some clear boundaries on what you'll expect while you're still married.

You need to make it clear to her that while she's still living in the house, you will NOT accept contact with OM in any fashion.

Since she served you, that means that one of the two of you need to leave the marital home asap, yes? If so, ask her when she's moving out. You're not cheating, you're not asking for a divorce, so there's no reason for YOU to go anywhere.

I went through almost exactly what you have. My wife fell in love with someone she met on the internet...she was all set to fly away and live with him, even though they'd never met. When she ended up NOT getting on the plane, we went through this same dance, with the exception of the divorce papers.

Hold your ground.

Make it clear what your boundaries are. Make it clear that you love her and will fight for your marriage, but that you will NOT sit and be a doormat while she treats you and your marriage like this. Make the affair uncomfortable. Expose it to everyone that can influence her and him to end it. Keep your 'plan A' up.

How did she meet OM? MMORPG gaming?

shoot email me the number and I will call....I'm calling from another state they wouldn't notice.

Tigeressts@gmail.com

Thanks all for your continued support and advice. The latest update is that apparently OM has broken off the romantic part of their relationship (not sure why) but still says she is his "best friend" in his online profile. WW is depressed but I am guarded. They still maintain contact.

LousyGolfer, Most of your suggestions I followed in the first weeks and months after dday. I tried to shut off the internet and she ended up installing a separate phone line in her name while I was at work with internet account in her name. I have taken control of the finances back and plan A is my mantra. I paid for the intellius report (came back empty), I've spoken to several PIs and am engaging one now in the UK but no luck so far.

SuAmico, WW has several ways of contacting OM, she implies that she knows more about him and MIL has expressed that her main concern is knowing nothing about this other person. WW responded she could have him checked out so MIL said, why don't you? I don't know if she did.

It turns out the 800 number is a prepaid phone (as the one that my wife bought to talk to him, separate from the cell phone I bought and pay for of hers).

OWL, I read your story and it inspired me. I absolutely tried to establish what I considered the boundries while we are still married and she made it clear that to her, being with OM made her happy and was worth the sacrifice to my dignity. I've already stated that I will not leave the home for her decision to leave the marriage. Nothing I've seen indicates that either of us has to leave. I did expose to everyone (to her anger) - her best friends, MIL, FIL, her sister, etc. They all seem to sympathize with me and have told her they feel she's making a mistake but she's told me she is going to do what she feels is right, despite what everyone else says. She has been depressed since the birth of DD (just turned 4) and I think the elation of romance has made any negative consequences of the A worthwhile in her head.

They met on SecondLife. If you haven't heard of it yet, you will soon, especially here since it has such potential to destroy relationships.

-JC

Thanks SIHW!
That's a very sweet gesture. I think the phone number is a dead end now. I've got a few PIs calling the number but it is never answered and the voicemail says "I never use this number but leave a message" I hope that freaks OM out, especially if he bought this phone for the A alone and hasn't given it out to anyone else!
-JC

JustCoz-

I'm familiar with Second Life. Yep, it has the same or greater potential for creating 'second lives' that lead to affairs as any of the MMORPG's.

A thought on the continued internet access...well...you know that if you take a pin, push it through a phone cable (like one down in the basement or wherever the phone comes into your house) so that it goes through all the wires, and then cut it off flush with either side of the cable, its DARNED hard for someone to find...and if it keeps happening, they'll quit coming out to fix it. I'm just saying...

Good luck in your situation, friend. I happened by today and read your thread, but I'm pretty much taking a break from MB. I wish you well, and hope all works out for you.

You dont need to cut the cable, just buy a blocking program.

The internet is useful for many things, such as this forum, banking, etc.!

Thanks Owl. You are wise indeed (sorry, couldn't resist). I'm guessing it's normal to feel like one is floating in limbo during this period (which for me has lasted over three months now) I just need to believe it will get better someday.

I believe the A has ended but that she stays in contact with OM, although not as much. I also suspect that she is shopping for another OM already. Last night I was thinking about that when Ark's words came to mind. THIS really is the crux of the issue - she wants primary custody of DD4 but she told our old MC that she was a "clinger" and that she became fascinated with things for periods of time and then gave them up. She cried and told MC that she was afraid of ending up an old lady living with cats. Old MC responded that she did not seem "flighty" to him since we were married for 8 years (this is when I dropped MC altogether feeling it was doing more harm than good).

If she wants to remain addicted to the infatuation stage of love then she must understand that I don't want DD4 exposed to a "revolving door" of men in her life, thinking that is a normal man-woman relationship. Anyone think that reasoning will sink in?

OnMyWay, Thanks - it's a bit more complicated than that. I know the thread is growing but I've posted about the unfeasibility of using blocking software for a few reasons.

-JC

Hello,
A quick update. I'm dealing with buried feelings of anger lately. It seems the more time that passes the more I can clearly see that my wife didn't just leave me - she walked away from our marriage years ago. Perhaps in response to the depression that came after the birth of DD4, I don't know but I look at her Flickr account and see three years worth of photos of herself and DD but not one of me. She joined facebook, myspace, and a host of other "social networking" sites without ever telling or sharing with me a long time ago. She has never done the laundry or turned on the vacuum cleaner and has barely does grocery shopping or other household chores for years. She kicked our cat out of the bedroom and stopped feeding and cleaning his litter, even though she smothered this kitten with affection years earlier. It's almost like she walked away from our entire life together and not just me.

Looking back I see a lot of the things she didn't like about me where brought out subconsciously by my resentment that she was pulling away from me and our life together. I got angry with her for withholding sex, I got angry with her for spending so much time on the computer and I often spent my weekends doing yardwork instead of with her and DD.

I almost feel like I'm ready for PlanB now that I've worked what I think is a good PlanA for the past 3-1/2 months. The problem is that she remains in the house and that rather complicates things, doesn't it? I'm not ready to leave the house because I treasure my daily time with DD now more than ever and I sincerely believe DD needs all the affection and attention I can give her now that WW stays locked up in her room on the internet at every chance she gets. I don't want DD to deal with more abandonment issues than I fear she will already face.

-JC

I was distant but not hostile (more like avoidance than anything) this morning before I left for work and have received three emails and two or three phone calls today. I don't know if that is the result of my distance or not but it helps transition the anger somewhat to indifference.

I am floundering a bit here, torn between wanting to continue PlanA and trying to inject a little 180 and/or NC. Any help or advice is appreciated! So hard to keep to PlanA when WW refuses to end the A and remains in the home, waiting for the D and her freedom <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

-JC