He spent the evening at the house yesterday and we just cuddled and chatted.

Today, we went to lunch and took a 2 hour lunch. It was great.

It feels like we are starting out again. We are discussing how and when he will be coming back home. He's moving back before the end of November. He asked me to stay a few days at his apartment before it rents out because he wants me to take a small vacation. I told him that when he was back home, I wanted to be with him, not alone in some apartment!

Tonight, he's going to play hockey with one of our neighbors, so I won't be seeing him. But we are planning on seeing each other tomorrow, Friday and our big date night Saturday. I have not gone out on a date in such a looooong time, that I don't even know what we are supposed to do anymore.

My father has made contact with me twice. He said my mom is extremely depressed about the whole situation and spends her time crying. I just wanted to tell him what she tells me each time I was feeling down "girl, you need a good kick in the butt!" The only reason I answered the phone when he called is he called me at work, and I don't have caller id at work. Anyways, he doesn't know that me and S are actively working towards him moving back him. He didn't ask, so I didn't say. He just asked how I was doing and how the kids were. I said everything was fine. No details. I think both of them (mom and dad) would freak out if they knew what was going on. I really don't need that right now, I'm still too vulnerable. I will tell them when I am ready, probably only after S has moved back in.

My mom is going to make a big scene about the holidays, she always does. Last year, I spent the 24th with the inlaws, and the 25th at my folks, and she made a HUGE scene because we had left her alone on the 24th. I was like, my kids need to see their other grandparents too, ya know??? I know that she will refuse that S attend any holiday events (besides, I don't think S would really want to anyway... after everything they have done). But I will spend the holidays with MY family. MY family being my spouse and my kids. I know that my inlaws will greet me and the kids with open arms. But it's still going to be a difficult time, and I know my parents or my brothers are going to try and make me feel guilty.

your parents should be out of your life completely if they cannot support your decision (including respecting your spouse) and stop the abusive and manipulative emotional blackmail. The phone call from your dad is just another attempt at manipulating you. Oh, poor mommy spends all her time crying and is upset over what you have done. PLEASE. She needs to see a shrink....and not one of her friends.

As far as the holidays go...perhaps this would be a great year to just PLAN on having your holiday with just your H and children. Heck, you can even go somewhere special over the holiday to avoid any potential drama...and you know its coming.

I have decided that I am not letting myself be manipulated. I have made my choice. My choice is MY family and spouse. I won't have it any other way, and frankly, at this point, I don't care what they think. It's their loss, not mine. Seriously, I'm realizing I'm much happier right now. I was in a state of perpetual conflict before, I feel free and liberated. Like I've never been before.

Unfortunately, I have to work over the holidays and I can't go out of town. S is working too, but I am not working on the 24th and 25th... maybe we should go up to the Laurentians and spend a night or 2, go skiing with the kids, and just spend some quality time as a family. That's actually a good idea.

Well, S is starting to move back in this weekend! He told me he wanted to spend the weekend at home and that he was starting to bring back some of his stuff.

He put his apartment up for rent, put his appliances up for sale... We were looking at our plans to finish our basement last night. Also, we are looking at decorating our bedroom. We want to make it a romantic haven.

My dad has been calling me everyday. He said he's worried about the kids... like I can't take care of my own kids? I find that kind of insulting. He has never mentionned about me and S. However, next time he calls, i'll be telling him that S is moving back in. I don't care what he says or what he thinks. They can cut me out of their life, out of their will... MY family and my spouse are the most important thing in the world to me, and I am committed to make them happy.

He sent me an email this morning:



Here's my response:




And his reply back:

I am very, very happy for you. It sounds like you and your H on the road to a wonderful life.
Stay strong...keep things with your parents at a healthy level.
I am proud of you.

Melody Lane wrote:



I confess that I do not understand this, and am quite surprised. No difference? A long term commitment is now the same thing as a marriage? Since when?

Looking at your story, mbm, it would appear that it made all the difference in the world, but that is just my view.

Good luck in your recovery. I hope that when your relationship gets sorted out you will consider overcoming this technicality.

PK

It's a common law marriage. Most people I know, in my age category, where I live at are in common law marriages (civil unions). It's a regional tendency and was seen as a trend in the early 90's to mid 90's because of drastic changes in matrimonial legislature in my province. I am feeling vulnerable enough with the crap I've gone through in the last few weeks, I really don't need someone telling me that my relationship means nothing because I don't have a piece of paper to prove it. According to the law here, S is my legal spouse.

However, as much as I HATE to admit it, one of the reasons we never got married is that my mother said she would never speak to me again if I did. Well, turns out I didn't need to get married for that huh? My mother has had control over almost every aspect of my relationship. I'm lucky that my spouse is a great guy and he has accepted to work on things... I have a feeling we are on the verge of something incredible.

FWIW, I'm seriously considering overcoming the technicality. And, maybe, I was indeed more neglectful of my relationship because I didn't have that piece of paper. It's all part of the process I'm going through right now.
Ok, now, just an update.

S has moved back in officially this weekend. We went out on an official "date" Saturday. He finally admitted that he was hoping to get together with OW that was a problem a few weeks ago. His "dream" was shattered when she said he was an "irresponsable [censored]" for leaving me and the kids behind. They have ceased contact since then.

Now, I know he was in a "fog" when he left and I think he turned around back to me when she told him off, because the timing fits. So, he was indeed involved in an EA of his own.

common law marriage if recognized by your community affords the same protections and has the same standing as any other M.

I am happy your H is back home...where he belongs...and that true recovery can now begin for you both. You have grown so much in such a short period of time. I am very proud of you.

Keep up the good work with your mom and dad too.

MEDC

What you said about common law marriage is exactly what Jennifer Harley said. According to the law here, if you have been living with your bf/gf for more than 2 years, you are in a civil union. Furthermore, if you have kids, you have the same financial protection as a married couple.

H is back home, and I'm loving every minute of it. We look like 2 lovebirds... I feel like I have completely broken free from my internal conflict: making my parents proud vs loving my H. I'm enjoying every minute I'm spending with H. He's been very attentive to me also... little things, but they make all the difference.

Our first project is redecorating the bedroom to make it a romantic haven. We've already rearranged the furniture, and put a canopy over the bed. We're going out on another "date" Friday night where we are going to buy the paint and new linens.

I haven't posted in a while, and decided to update, for those interested.

Things with my folks have gone down the tubes... It's ok actually, but it's sad for my kids.

I haven't spoken or seen my mother since the day before Halloween. My dad was calling me every 2-3 days, asking about the kids (never about me and H). I had assumed that me, H and the kids would be spending xmas and the holidays on our own. Booked a ski trip for xmas.

A couple of days before xmas, my father calls me, says he ain't stupid and that he knows that H is back home (he had never asked, so I never told him, he found out via my little brother/SIL whom I have regular contact with). He asks to see the kids for xmas. I can come along too, but they (dad and mom) don't want H in their home. Initially, I tell him that the kids will spend xmas at their house, but there is no way I am leaving H behind. But after thinking about it, and discussing it with H, we decided that it is all of us or none of us. I was unable to face my parents, and just sent them a polite email explaining the reasons behind OUR decision. My mother replied to the email. It was extremely nasty... I felt so much guilt after her reply.

I know this may seem mundane, but xmas is VERY important for my mom. I mean, she plans it out 6 months in advance every year and always makes a big scene out of it. So, not seeing her grandkids or me was like a huge slap in the face. So I guess that is why her reply was nasty.

I was glad that we made the decision, but it was the first time I ever spent the holidays without my brothers and parents, so I felt a bit blue. However, we had a GREAT time skiing with the kids (and even got some time alone because we booked ski lessons for the kids). And this is the first time that we have had such stress free holidays.

Me and H are still plugging along with the MT principles and are doing FANTASTIC. Really, the last time I was in love like this was when we first going out over 15 years ago (I guess that's the whole point of the principles though). I feel happy again... and fulfilled, in my marriage. H says he is happy and fulfilled. Strangely, relationship fulfillment has transpired to career fulfillement as well for him. He got a huge promotion before the holidays and although i was proud of him before, I'm even more proud of him now. He has worked so hard and he is finally getting the recognition he deserved.

The thing with my parents has put a slight damper to things, but since the holidays have been over, I feel better about it all. Not great, but better.

My little brother says me and my parents will never reconcile from this... well if that's what it takes to save my marriage, then that's what it takes.

Is your spouse going to work on his compulsive spending? I see you making lots of changes. Is he willing to work on some issues too?

You said earlier that you have always enabled his compulsive spending. That is something that needs to change or you may be back in the same mess.

MBM,
I read somewhere that it isn't good to shut the door on a family relationship (unless abusive, etc), b/c that only makes you feel worse...and it doesn't keep the positive parts of the relationship going. It was in a book called The Dance of Intimacy.

I have had a few toxic people in my life...my sister for example, and I have had to change the way we relate. Not totally cut it off, but lessen it, make my boundaries and keep things short and sweet until she starts her mantra of whatever at the moment...then I politely excuse myself and don't fall into her mess of a life. She has a good heart, but...

Anyway, I'm not saying your parents are toxic. I think they should be supportive, but please remember that they were hurt too. They saw their daughter struggling IMMENSELY. While I applaud your sense of ONEness with your husband to stand firm for your M, I think you may have really missed out on some good time with your siblings. Basically, biting of your nose to spite your face. It hurt you, your parents, your siblings and your kids probably missed all of them, too. Plus your WH didn't have to deal with stares or the squeamish feeling that...giulp...he did something wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
IMHO...

Since it was so important to your Mom, have you thought about writing her a letter about why you did what you did?
Or, maybe over a cup of coffee. Tell her you understand why she was so upset, although you didn't appreciate the nastiness of the message. Ask for her support.

I know that when one of my other sisters' husband cheated on her, I could have cared less to see him anywhere near any of my family. So...from one who has been on both sides, it stinks to feel torn.

Hard decisions.
But it is a new year!

Believer - yes, he is working on the compulsive spending, mainly through the POJA. we are trying to meet each other in the middle. i am quite cheap actually and he is the big spender, so i'm trying to give in a little and he is cutting back. But since we are running all expenses through the POJA, it's going quite well right now. We are both working very hard at meeting our top ENs. He's been making impressive efforts in the affection department...

Free to be me - I hear what you are saying. I did write a letter, explaining why I missed out on xmas, through email. The email was quite clear, but she interpreted it a certain way.

I didn't intend to shut out my parents forever, but they were indeed toxic. Not only to me as an adult, but to my M. My parents are extremely controlling and my mother has been verbally abusive to me throughout my childhood and adult life.

I did ask for support, but they told me as long as I was with H, they would not support me.

My younger brother has been the most supportive one, along with his W. We did our own "xmas" celebration just us, and it was very pleasant. My brother understands how my mom is. They spent a year without talking a couple of years ago when my mom went ballistic on my SIL.

I did make a step in the right direction last week and told my parents that they were welcome to spend some time with the kids. They spent some time with them over the weekend, but I learned through my oldest son that my mom said some not so nice things behind our backs. She thinks the kids don't understand what is going on, but they are much more mature than she thinks.

Your Mom sounds a lot like my Dad. But he was that was my entire life and on all of his kids. That is SO very uncool of them to talk about you guys in front of your children. If I were you, I would end that contact right away for that reason alone and tell my Mom to grow up.

Not very many people in my family would support a reconciliation with my WH I believe. He really put me through a LOT...lies, betrayal, DUI, verbal abusive and some pushing around...and the affair started when I was pg. Several false recoveries,finally he is out of the house and I am trying to work my Plan B.

So neither you nor your S had a PA,just an EA?

I am glad he moved back in! That is a step in the right direction.

We both had EAs. Things have been great since he's moved back in, but I can't let my guard down, it's so easy to slip up.