well he gave me the I kind of feel sick answer. In my husband translation that means maybe yes maybe no I can not decide. I told him I would check in with him later...if he says no I will tell him I will catch him later and I will call up one of my girlfriends and maybe go to Happy Hour or even better I think I will go get a manicure.

Wow this is just suckola! I found this poem I have been reading about 400 times a day

After a While

After a While you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrows ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye your learn

I wouldn't even call him back. I would skip the manicure, only because that won't be all that interesting to email him about. I would go watch the game with a friend, and then tell him all about how great the game was, how great the food was, and how much fun you had.

If you keep asking him, it will seem like you don't have a life and he DOES. You want to change that perception around to YOU being the fun alternative to his affair.

Update....well last weekend since he "felt bad" I went out and had a great weekend with my friends and stayed really busy. Did not really get down in the dumps till the end of the day Sunday but all in all I was proud of myself for getting up on the floor and taking care of me. We have continued to e mail each other and I saw him at lunch today for the first time in two weeks. It was a great visit and I played a great Plan A. However I know enough this time that cake eating and fence sitting are great hobbies so I will not be grasping at crumbs and meeting some of his EN while she meets the rest. Anyway we might do something this weekend....slow and baby steps!

However I wanted to respond to another post. Someone said (I don't remember who) that without kids and only being married a short time we should cut and run. I waited until my late thirties to get married and I married him for love and we made a choice not to have children. I will cut and run if we can not fix this but I want to sleep at night knowing I did what I could before I moved on

you know why is this just so hard. I know in my head that he is out of the house and I know he is seeing her and I can not stop that so I try to do plan A while he is gone and felt really good about our interaction yesterday. Today I see that he has been out to eat a couple times where she lives as well as a liquor store purchase....so I guess when the fact that he is "dating" her hits home it makes me sad. Yesterday I felt like I did a really good job and I could not help it but at home last night I felt a tiny twinge of hope like eventually things would come around but today I feel sick. I know this is all normal but geez this up and down roller coaster is hard.

It is time that I implement Plan B. I have tried Plan A with him out of the house and it is not working. He is continuing the affair and has now gotten a secret credit card so I need to protect myself. I would like to send him a Plan B letter but I want to word it correctly so he understands I am doing that not out of spite but to protect my love for him so it is not all drained away. Does anyone have a general outline of what this letter should include?

So I wrote the plan B letter......



I have loved you with all my heart for many years. In order to protect what love I have left for you I need to step away and protect myself. I am doing this only because I want to be able to love you again when this is over and we can have a relationship that while may be different can be better than before. You are my best friend and the man I have every intention of growing old with but I know if I continue to let myself get hurt I will get to the point that I will turn and walk away and so this is the step I am taking to protect my love for you.

When you are ready to come back to our home and share our life I will be glad to have you and will be ecstatic. In order for that to happen we must embrace four things.

1. No contact with OW for life. That includes the phone, in person, e mail and texting. This marriage does not have room for three people. We took vows for each other not with her.

2. Complete openess and honesty

3. Marriage Counseling

4. Respecting marital boundaries to protect us from this happening again.

You mentioned at your Mothers that you were considering counseling again. If you choose to do this and want to get something from it I stand behind you 100%. Our insurance works differently...if you are given a diagnosis you will have to meet a deductible. If that is the case just let me know and we can figure it out and I don't care how much it is. The cost will be much cheaper than the thousands of dollars a divorce will cost us and it is something I think is worth it. There is no price to happiness.

I will be taking all your mail and any correspondence to your parents and they will make sure you get it. I talk to your parents every day so they will always know how to get ahold of me.

I love you but I can not fix this alone and I know that I can not fix you. I know in my heart you do not want to live like this for the rest of your life so I hope you find it within yourself to move forward and make the steps to embrace all that life has to offer you. I will be here when you are ready.


so that was my letter and I am dying over here.....he of course has given zero response...I am so scared by writing this I have pushed him away completely. I have been going through life with this little thread of hope but now feel....heck I don't even know what I feel

Well nearing the first full week of a dark plan B and somedays I feel great and somedays it is incredibly hard. I miss the contact with him even if it was over e mail. His Mother is our intermediary and after I sent the letter she had to contact him concerning late payment on a bill which of course irritated him but he has since calmed down.

His Mother has asked him if he has a plan as to what he wants and he said no. She asked him if he wanted to divorce me and he said he is not making any rushed decsions as he does not know what he wants. He see's OW occasionally but I and his Mother thinks it is not very often although they do talk on the phone. I think OW sees him when it is convenient for her. I have always thought he had more deep feelings for her than she for him.

Is it a positive sign that he does not know what he wants and that he has not made a decision on divorce or is he just cake eating? He is an emotional wasteland right now and is very depressed. He is taking AD and admitted to his Mom even though he was against it initially he thinks they help. He is currently sleeping in a friends basement on the couch and has been out of the house for about a month...boy do I miss him. However on the other hand I am filling my own life with lots of things and finding ME again and this time and new and improved version.

I just started reading a book concerning co-dependency and WOW it really hits home for me. I for sure cross the line of wanting to "help" into being controlling.

I have not posted in quite a while and just wanted to thank so many of you for your help. I did not post much but I read for hours everyday and remembered so many in my prayers every night.

I had a heck of a weak plan B and it lasted exactly one week then I went straight back to plan A. Then one night after my company X Mas party I drove by OW house and his car was there. I lost it...bring on the LB"S!!! First time I had ever really gotten angry at him (where he would hear it) I called and left him a VM and basically told him I was DONE. She had children and I told him I had no idea when in this lifetime he would think it was ok to spend the night in a house unmarried with kids. How exactly do you explain that to your kids....Mommy cheated on Daddy and now she love this new man who is married!!!!

Anyway my FWH called me the next day and we talked and for the first time he came back to our home in two months and we talked and talked. He left and then the OW called me..oh what a joyfull conversation that was. Anyway he dumped her and started spending more time with me and then he moved home.

He is a changed man...he tries so hard he is the man I fell in love with. We have a great marriage counselor and I had the best Valentine's Day of my life yesterday. He has been back in our home for one an half months and we have NC. We both know it is a long road but at least I can see the road again now.

So thank you again to everyone.