Charlotte, I wouldn't concern myself so much with what HE SAYS right now or how you say your words. In order to understand the mentality of a person in an affair, you should liken him to a falling down drunk. So, it really doesn't matter what he SAYS, but what he DOES.

More importantly, he needs to hear what YOU SAY, because you are the aggrieved party.

I would suggest that you do as BritsBrat suggested and send a LETTER instead of calling. They can't ignore a letter with cc's on it, they can ignore a phone call and blow you off. I would send a letter to both their bosses, the head of Human Resources and the company Vice President. Carbon copy each person on the letter so they all know the other has read it.


That is very odd. Why would he be surprised?

Secondly, I would suggest that you sit down and expose this affair to everyone so that you treat the infidels to a TSUNAMI instead of a spit bath. Afterwards, I would ask him again to end his affair by sending her a no contact letter and quitting his job immediately. Tell him this is the only way your marriage will survive, otherwise, you will need to seperate. If he doesn't, you should prepare to seperate and go into Plan B.

Targets for exposure should be his parents, your parents, siblings, her H, her parents, anyone else close to your family. I would do this on the same day as the workplace exposure.

Feelings FOLLOW ACTIONS, not the other way around. Courage is a DECISION TO ACT, not a nebulous feeling that comes out of nowhere.

Hi MelodyLane,

Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to decide which people it would be best to expose this disgusting adultery to. Work for sure, OWH for sure...not sure about his dad & bro (his mom passed away a few years ago, but boy, wouldn't she be proud of him today?), my sister already knows...we don't see his side of the family very often except for the kid that lives in the same town as we do. Not sure it would be of any use to tell his dad since they have such a distant relationship. He has a better relationship with his bro but it's still not very close. However, if he walks out after the tsunami his bro is probably going to be the place he goes. His bro was extremely close to their mom & watched her suffer when their dad walked out on her some years ago...they got back together later so there were a few years she got to spend with the love of her life since she was pining away for him for so long. His dad had remarried but of course found out that W2 was not a very nice person & he finally left her & moved back to TX.

I know H wasn't happy about the situation either since he was so dyed-in-the-wool against cheating. Of course that was until he made the decision to go that route himself.

I often wonder if the two similarities ever surface in his mind.

I know that I MUST take these actions and am trying very hard to prepare. He hasn't been cruel except for the things he said way back in the beginning; i.e.-"You're crazy; That's crazy talk; If you call OWH again you'll never see me again", etc.

He is generally slow to anger but I'm aware that this could cause a nuclear meltdown of rage because I'm attempting to interfere with him and his favorite "toy". Well, not attempting...I AM. I just keep rehearsing the words over & over so I can say that I love him & I'm not trying to hurt him but I am trying to save our marriage, that it's not some form of revenge that I'm exposing the ADULTERY. As far as his boss & OWH, well, they already have been told so it's not like they don't know or at least have an inkling.

I'm also trying to prepare for him walking out. He can't stay with her and her H so that leaves his bro and possibly his dad. Even though he doesn't get along with his dad so great, there's still a possibility that he might go there. Until his dad drives him up the wall.

In a way, I guess that it could possibly be a good sign that he didn't leave already. I was sure at least one of us would be walking out the other night. I thought he might leave then. Well, whatever happens, I'm going to prepare as much as I can mentally. I'm trying to get really p.o'ed so I can be strong and do the exposure. The only way to do that is to think about them together and what's being said and what's been said about me between them. And I'm sure that they have plans to meet at some point today. Never miss an opportunity...yep.

I'll sign-off for now but please keep the words of wisdom coming, all you great folks here!

C.

Charlotte, that is exactly when you SHOULD NOT do it! It should be done in a calm, strategic, decisive manner. It is a DECISION, not an emotional reaction. You are still waiting for a MAGICAL, mythical feeling of COURAGE to come attack you! That is not how it works! Courage is a DECISION, not a feeling! Do it because it is the right thing for your husband and for your marriage. It doesn't matter why he thinks you did it and you will not be able to reason with him so there is no use in even trying.

I would make a plan now to send that letter to your H's workplace and to make phone call exposures for the day it arrives. That way it all happens at once and is a huge surprise to the affairees.

I would also suggest that you speak to his father and his siblings. Ask his father to speak to him on your behalf. Ask for his advice. Just because they are not close does not matter.

I would also plan on calling the OW's parents. I think it is very noteworthy that your H has manipulated you into not calling the OWH - for GOOD REASON. He doesn't want the interference, no doubt.

But, it should not be done because you are ANGRY, but because you want to help your H. Make a DECISION, Charlotte!

Char,

I wouldn't be surprised if it was the OW's H who exposed at their work the first time around - even though he acted all nonchalant to you, you can bet he gave some thought to your call.

Give him a call - see what happens after that. Don't be shocked if your WH comes home again and says somebody called HR. Of course, you should also do your part in letting HR know. And the letter is the best way - they are hard to "hide" - documentation has a way of hanging around and haunting people, making them think about lawsuits. Phone calls, not so much.

Don't worry about making your husband angry. He will be angry either way - angry that he has to give up OW, angry that you know about his affair, angry that the OW is griping at him because you called her H. Your WH will feel like "you" messed up his life by calling him on his bad behavior - whether or not you expose.

But exposure does something all the talking in the world cannot do.

It sheds light on the secret.

And the secrecy is what keeps their "fantasy love" alive.

See, this whole idea of their relationship is that nobody understands them like they do each other, that no one else can know of their love, because this is the one true thing, and to let others in...well....that would just change the perfection of it. It works well because it belongs only to us, our secret, our love....PUKE.

Once you turn on those spotlights, baby, that whole crappaganza becomes too real.

No more "la-la-land". The consequences of their behavior starts to cave in on them, and their "true and secret love" becomes more of a burden, and they see each other as extra weight. It's often "every man (or OM/OW) for himself" and they jump ship and go home where they know they should have been all along. They go through withdrawals, and they come out of the fog.

So think of exposure as a giant spotlight, that will outshine their fantasy.

And get your plan in place, strike without warning, and when he comes home mad at you, be prepared with your answer.

I love you, and want our marriage to work. I had to ask for the help of my friends and family in this, because I know I can't do it alone. I'm working on ways to make myself and my approach to our relationship better, and I hope that I can do my part to make our marriage a better place for you. I know that if you and I work together, we can get through this, and come out the other end with a stronger marriage. I hope that once you're over your anger, you will see that I love you, and want us to work.

Don't buy into his anger. Keep repeating that you want to save your marriage, that you asked for help from your friends. Make sure your exposure message involves a request for help, and that you want to save your marriage, so that you are consistent in your message to him.

And read up on Plan A - both the carrot and the stick, and hang in there.

SB

Hi Melody,

Thanks for your reply. I don't intend to be angry when I do the major exposure, I'm just trying to use it to psych myself up for the ordeal. I've been pretty good at staying calm & not having any outbursts when talking to H. I even surprised myself with that! I believe it surprised the heck out of him, too. He was probably expecting a reaction much like the one that happened at the very beginning. I'm stronger now, though & am getting stronger still...even though there are those moments when sadness sets in. I had to go to the doctor yesterday and one of the techs was so nice to me I started crying. Not that H has been mean or anything like that.

I'm determined to do this, I MUST do this...I know it's the best thing if our M has the best chance. I'm thankful for all of the support here...it's really keeping me focused and helping solidify the determination.

Thanks again & have a great weekend!

C.

I was on another site and mentioned what I was trying to do and boy....they were like a swarm of mosquitos near a stagnant pond. Why do you want to tell OWH & hurt someone else? What do you hope to gain? It's none of your business. Work on yourself. Your M is between you & your H...

and on and on.

This is not helping me any. Now I'm getting freaky about exposing...

Charlotte -

I used to post on several sites, and mostly read here. In fact, I thought the folks here were sugar plucking insane! But over the months, I started noticing that the people on the other sites were still stuck in a rut, not recovering their marriages. Time after time, I saw the stuff here WORKING. That is when I started posting on MB.

Although I'm divorced now, I came very close to saving the marriage. In fact, my ex wanted to get back together, but I was DONE. The affair ended just 2 weeks after our divorce was final, and my ex is kicking himself now.

So give the plans here a try. While not guaranteed, the success rate here is very good.

Charlotte...

You can visit as many sites as you would like...Ultimately this IS your decision of course...Allow me to tell you why I think you should listen to the advice that you are getting here at Marriage Builders...Back in May, Mr. W and I attended a Marriage Builders weekend and then had the privilege of having dinner with Dr. Harley, his wife Joyce and their son Steve Harley and his wife...We discussed many things that evening, and eventually the topic of other sites came up and the thing that Steve was able to point out to us about all of the others out there is that none of them seem to have a PLAN for Marital Recovery...Most other sites offer only commiseration-which, you know, only keeps you bound in misery with others...you know the old saying, "misery LOVES company"...See MB offers PLANS for not only busting up affairs, but also the recovery of stronger, better and more fulfilling marriages...Those plans are based on Dr. Harley's 35 years of experience as a trained psychologist...He has saved THOUSANDS of marriages...So basically Charlotte, what I am telling you is that Marriage Builders IS the fastest horse around, and while the fastest horse may not always win the race, it sure is the smartest one to bet on...Wouldn't you agree??? I know Mr. W and I sure do and we are a Marriage Builders success story...

Best,

Mrs. W

P.S. Out of curiosity, the site that you visited, was it even an infidelity forum?

Thank you, believer & Mrs. Wondering.

The site was one of the midlife crisis sites.

After this a.m. I know I must go through with exposure. H is planning on going to "work" as he informed me last night & we know what that means. He still denies everything. I got a little hot under the collar with him this morning but I tried to hold it together as best I could.

I even asked if I could go with him to work & help out. He of course didn't like the idea but he said I could if I didn't talk in the car on the way there. Talk about this nonsense or whatever words he used to that effect.

I could tell he was pissed but he managed to give me a kiss before leaving for the doctor's office...he is going to an urgent care clinic in our town (very small town.)

So should I just say nevermind and let him go to "work?" I'm sure if he doesn't go today he'll make up some excuse to go tomorrow.

I don't really want to go, just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear...but I'm unsure as to what to do. I'm trying so hard not to do any love busters but sometimes some slip out anyway.

Suggestions? Please?

C.

It doesn't sound like they were very bright folks. Lets just think about what they said. Is the affair only between you and your H? Of course not. There is another marriage involved. It is between you, the other BS and the affairees.

Secondly, is the OWH hurt by the affair or is he hurt by the truth? If my bookkeeper was embezzling money from me and the police told me, should I get mad at the police for "hurting me" or should I be mad at my bookkeeper for stealing from me? Wouldn't that be silly to say that it was the POLICE who harmed me rather the real culprit?

I think the notion that it is "harmful" to tell someone they are a victim of adultery must have been invented by a wayward mind because it is such loony logic. Unfortunately, the non-thinking types have adopted this bumper sticker philosophy of life and persist in parroting it, thinking it makes them sound clever when they are actually fools.

Now I'm trying to decide what to do about H "working" today. Of course he said I could go (as I mentioned in an earlier post) but he also said he would stay if I leave the house for the day. I told him I'm not leaving the house. I know that even if I DO go along that he'll find some excuse to work tomorrow or something. But if I tell him to just go...am I condoning it because I know they are going to get together?

I don't know what to do...

I suppose I could let him go & call her H to expose yet again but I wouldn't be able to contact his boss today & it's advised that it should be done all at once, so I'm stuck there, too.

I wish her H would (dammit!) follow her and confront them himself. I met him before and he seems like a take charge kinda guy. Of course in these situations even those that seem the strongest turn into a mass of quivering blubber...when we find the one we love has been unfaithful.

C.

Wait, he said you can go to work today with him but he will stay home if you go? That doesn't make sense.

Why not join the affairees and then call the OWH from the tryst site and inform him about the meeting? This is what I would do. Your H is amazingly BRAZEN with his affair and I suspect it is becuase you do nothing, Charlotte.

If my H was out with an OW I can't imagine going on an internet forum and chatting about it! I would BE RIGHT THERE!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

COURAGE IS A DECISION. Make a DECISION to be COURAGEOUS. Stop choosing to be a DOORMAT and a WIMP.

Melody, wish I was like you....

No, he said I could go (reluctantly said, that is) but I could not talk about "this issue" in the car on the way there. I guess I can talk about trivial things (?)

If I go with him she is NOT going to show up. I'm sure that they'll file that away in their little arsenal to use against me and talk trash.

I decided to tell him to go ahead and go because I know that he will end up going tomorrow anyway. And I'll just stay here and fret until he gets home. I don't even feel like horseback riding today to take my mind away from this crap.

C.

And why wouldn't you go surprise the affairees, Charlotte?

Are you a child or a WOMAN? Why is your H telling a GROWN WOMAN what she can and can't say? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Why are you acting like a child who needs her poppa daddy's permission to do something?

Charlotte...

I agree with Mel...Stop sitting there and taking it!!! Get your butt in the car, armed with the OWH's phone number and your cell phone...GO THERE...When you see that they are there together CALL the OWH and have him meet you there...The two of you bust in the door and put an end to this nonsense...Seriously...Use my favorite line from a movie even, when you walk in and bust them say, "I'm here to chew bubblegum and kick [censored], and I'm all outta bubblegum!" DON'T TAKE THIS LYING DOWN...FIGHT CHARLOTTE FIGHT!!!

Mrs. W