He could tell you that now he knows you don't love him; never did. That you MUST want a D because you served papers on him.

You can refer him to your hand written note, about how you are protecting "our" assets from his affair. And that you would rather be married, that you meant your vows.

Charlotte, You will never have more power in the relationship than what you have now. And since you are the stronger one, you can use it constructively to rebuild.

Thanks believer. At what point should I bring this up? And how, since he hasn't confessed?

And if he says that's not gonna happen when I say, "when you dump her," My reply should be:

1. We'll see.
2. Say nothing and smile
3. ???

And what about bringing up the D?

Thanks, Bellevue.

So then I shouldn't say anything about the D when he shows up this weekend?

Oh boy, now I'm starting to get a little nervous!

"And if he says that's not gonna happen when I say, "when you dump her," My reply should be:"

Reply - "It hurts that you feel that way." OR some other non angry platitude. Let him talk away, without getting angry, defending, or accusing.

Just insert the word "CRACK" (in your head, NOT OUT LOUD) whenever he says anything about her.

IE: I was lost and lonely until crack came into my life. Now with crack, every day is wonderful. My crack really understands me. Blah, blah, blah.

If he hasn't been served yet, then don't warn him. He could duck the process server. The TRO isn't in effect until he is served.

As for him coming by before he's served, I would just play my cards close to my vest and mainly just LISTEN to what he has to say. If you don't have a response, "I need to think about this or use some of Orchid's reverse babble." If he starts berating you and bringing up the past, walk away. "Sorry, I'll be ready to talk to you when you've calmed down." If he comes unglued, dial 911.

Otherwise, if he's REALLY ready to talk about making thing right, you have conditions for that.

OMG, that is too funny. Can you picture it Charlotte? Try not to chuckle when he's talking.

I just read your entire thread and girl, you're doing a great job. Don't be nervous!!!

crack haha *snort* it even made me chuckle.....

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I can't get the picture of a talking crack outta my head now! I KNOW that isn't the kind of crack being discussed, er, I don't know though a WH speaking could tend to look like that...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

A BIIIIIIGGG THANK YOU!!!! to Melody Lane for filling me up with courage so I could call OWH.

I'll be back in with an OWH report in a little while.

I just got back from the grocery store and I thought about this...it feels SO GOOD to talk to EVERYBODY now and look people in the eye knowing my aren't full of pain and agony anymore.

I really do feel like a new human. Reborn. A Phoenix from the ashes of H & his AP's shame.

Quick little blurb: one day not long ago when I was still stuck, I was outside our home in my truck (used to be my G'pa's & it's PURPLE!!!)...
I was staring off into space towards the road and cars were driving by. A police car drove by. Next thing I know he'd turned around and come back. He asked me if I was okay. I don't know how he noticed my face and I must have really looked miserable for him to turn around and come back to check on me.

Hopefully, Charlotte will come back and give you an update but I spoke to her earlier on the phone and she had talked to the OWH. It seems that the OW has not returned to work since the exposure because she is "too embarrassed." She is at home with her H.

Per OWH, Human Resources has received several complaints and is investigating the affair. Charlotte's H is not with the OW and Charlotte doesn't know where he is staying.

OWH told Charlotte that they have been sleeping together all this time, even though her WS thinks they have NOT. The OW has agreed to work on her marriage and Charlotte referred OWH to MB but told him not to tell OW right now.

Charlotte and I discussed what she will say when he does show up and we developed some talking points to guide her. She is going to start off with:

* the affair has been exposed to everyone, Human Resources, the OWH, your father, children, etc.; everyone knows now

* what do you plan to do about the affair?

She will let him talk here. Here are some key points she will make in the conversation:

* I filed for D in order to protect myself financially. I do not want a divorce but felt it necessary for protection. I would like to try and save our marriage and will stop the D action if I see that our recovery is going in the right direction so I would like to give you that chance.

* the OWH told me that the OW is committed to working on their marriage. He also told me they have had SF on a reg basis throughout the affair. [she told the WS that they had stopped entirely]

Charlotte, I hope you don't mind that I updated them, but I know that these folks really care and worry about you!

one comment:

Perhaps you shouldn't tell WH about the divorce filing until he is served. Someone mentioned it above and I concur. The filing includes a TRO forbidding him from any financial moves pending the divorce action. IF he catches wind about the petition, he MAY change his direct deposit account prior to being served to another account in his name.

Sure he may do so after he is served but that should (or may...since I'm not privy to the exact wording) be a violation of the TRO and he'll get hammered for doing so.

Protect yourself first, explain later.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Exposure Success story...affair busted!

Thank you Melody for the update. I was concerned that she wouldn't know what to do when she finally faced him. As usual your advice is wise and perfect for how to handle WH. Charlotte, are you taking notes?

Pepper has somehow gotten herself into the dog kennel of all places. We are trying to figure out how to get her out so I am having delays because of this.

It's 4 ft. tall but it was closed up on top. She flipped it over on herself somehow or a visiting UFO put her in there.

I'm trying to take a picture. A horse in a dog kennel is SO FUNNY!

She's not hurt or anything. She punched a hole through the top with her head. There was only chicken wire on the top.

Hi Charlotte,

I've been keeping up with your story and am proud of you.

And this....





Love it. Love it. Love it.

Does this make me bad? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I would looooooovvvvve to have the OW in my H's life to feel even a tiny bit of the humiliation I felt.

Thanks mopey! It feels good to be back on Earth instead of in Purgatory!

Oh, Melody, thanks for the update while Charlotte is getting Pepper out of the doghouse.

That is a relief. I was still a bit concerned that hubby was running around with OW - that happens a lot.

And it makes me feel good that OW's husband is hanging in there too.

All around, a good day. (except for Pepper)

Thanks for getting the update started, Melody!

I was a bit apprehensive about calling OWH, not so much because I was afraid of what he might say about the A partners, but because I didn't want to be too intrusive. Melody reminded me that he called me at 2am the other day so that helped get me motivated along with other things she said.

So H did go back to work and because he is not as affected by what a lot of the others might be saying because he is not as close to as many of them as his AP...his AP is mortified even thinking about going back. Since so many already knew (probably all) and had been talking about them carrying on and getting sick of it...this is something OW hadn't considered in her fog. So she doesn't know if she can return, she's worried about all of the people she was great friends with that were actual friends instead of APs (that we know of), she's not sure if she's going to get fired due to the exposure...she's been "freaking out" for days since the exposure, and the fact that it had actually happened. My mom added that people at work were probably laughing about it too & of course it stops being funny when things that need to be done are not being done on the job and others have to take up the slack.

He wants to work it out and I could clearly tell that he was very open to reconciliation, though apprehensive about trusting her again...but he has been keeping up with her and he wants no secrets and he told her that everything must be open. I mentioned the bank account making it so much easier for her to carry on this A and he heartily agreed. He said he has finally learned to send text messages so she's been seeing a lot of these instead of texts from my H although I'm sure they could be or might be texting and/or talking. OWH has been calling a lot as well as texting but he hasn't been gone all that much so she hasn't had much opportunity to do her thang. And maybe she hasn't tried to contact H yet. It sounds like she's pretty floored. It would be just fine by me if that was the case here, as I've read a lot of other's stories re: those cases. I know there's no guarantee but it's more likely than not, I think because of all of the above reasons as well as facing the family. She was telling H the other day about how OWH's mom held her in such high regard. The way she was talking the other day and times before made me wonder how she was going to react because she seemed so determined to go on this trip and of course did she EVER enjoy slamming on me and ridiculing me and insert other adjectives here, I'm sure the adjectives run the gamut.

I have to insert a couple of thoughts here: Bluffing, eh? And, imagine that, lil' ol' cowering, crazy BS...who took the brunt of the verbal and texting abuse because she had been reduced to her first inital by the infidels and thus became an object...actually got the best of her. And BS didn't have to raise a finger to her, say a word to her or even look at her in order to do this.

OWH said the plan was for her to return home Sunday with him none the wiser and everything the same between them. (I'm sure she would have brought plenty of wool home with her.)

OWH said he felt really bad and couldn't do too much for a couple of days but that he was feeling better and able to focus and get things done today.

We even talked about the sex, how I had been shunned like an old shoe but I had really stopped trying so I wouldn't be rejected after the kiss incident between H & myself. After that we were only together one time. OWH & OW on the other had had been having sexual relations regularly. H & OW used to talk about how they each avoided intimate contact with me & OWH. H thinks they were exclusive to each other. He didn't know the "love of his life" was cheating on him. My goodness! We talked of the things the infidels talked about re: sex that were similar to the relationship OWH had with OW and similar to the way myself & H were. It was almost like she was projecting OWH onto H and H was projecting me onto her. So in addition to the fantasy projecting they were really trying to put OWH & I into their A and didn't even know it. Because that's who they belong with, DUH!

I brought up the lying H did about me to get more attention and sympathy and remarked that when I wasn't monitoring them for a while and I was staying away from the doorway to H's room & just waiting if I had a question or standing out of sight and calling to him, or not going near the room at all, he was probably doing the same thing then.

I brought up a lot of the MB concepts and told OWH how kind and supportive that everyone was here and that people he didn't even know were pulling for him. I also mentioned that I had spoken in person with 2 people here and one even invited me into her home if I needed a haven in case H got too out of hand and I needed to totally get out of town. I brought up MB stuff a lot. At one point he asked me what the name of the site was again so I told him. I hope he does show up. He does want to fix things...he is determined, but worried about what the cheating did to the special relationship & how it could never be the same. I told him they could make things better than ever between them.

I pushed MB A LOT, really, A LOT and I told him that it wasn't like the movie Bowfinger with "Mindhead," in case it sounded too cultish to him or something. I know some people have an aversion to things that seem that way. And it was after I commented about Bowfinger that he asked me for the address again. I really, really hope he comes here.

I stressed to him the importance of informing EVERYONE because the exposure kills the A and well, he is seeing that in action right now. Was he worried about her losing her job? Nope. Didn't bother him in the least. He was the one who brought up NC & that OW had mentioned it too and I told him that he was right, it had to be NC, TOTAL NC FOREVER...even phone calls and emails or ANY other type of correspondence.

So it was a good talk and I felt so, so, so, so good after we talked. We talked about H a bit too, because of course that was the reason I gave for calling. Even after all he read in the evidence he didn't feel hopeless for me. After all that's happened I think he believes that I can pull this off.

So far, so good. And I know I will be okay when I see H and I'll function just fine. A bit nervous? Sure! But I'd be more worried if I WASN'T.

Thanks so much to everyone for the advice and the help and love & support. I LOVE you guys! I might need a boost before I see H but I know that someone will be here to hold my hand and so many of you will be holding my hand even if I don't check in. I'm betting I will, though!

Love,

Charlotte

Oh, I wish she would just quit - that would sure make everything much easier. I DO think it is more embarrassing for a woman to be found out at work than a man. And people probably HAVE been joking about them behind their backs.

My secretary had an affair with an engineer in our office, and EVERYONE knew. It was the juiciest gossip for a long time, and you know how rumors spread. She finally transferred out.