You're very welcome, Mel!

Hi princess meggy,

Thank you for putting things into perspective. I know you and Melody are right about this but it is just hard to read and absorb and accept, still.

The comment about not having a home didn't bother me much, though. He knows he's the one who didn't come back that day after I exposed to OWH.

The friend he is referring to is someone from the boards...you know who she is! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

In one of the emails of Friday I mentioned that I wouldn't be home much this weekend because we'd made plans. I didn't want him to think I'd be home pining away for him.

I did have dreams last night and he was in the dreams but I don't recall much except for one, barely. They weren't ominous, though, I do know that!

Charlotte,

The comment about Court TV is his attempt to communicate that he is hurt by the openness of his affair. He feels like everyone is watching him, and knows all about his life. He has lost his privacy - and this hurts. He is humiliated, and the publicness of the exposure is giving him shame. He wants you to know that he has pain over this - and the pain is shame. Not necessarily what you want to know; you'd rather he have guilt over having the affair, etc. Right now, he has shame. At least there's that.

He's angry that she was served publicly. He sees that as you seeking revenge against her, and he thinks this is HIS fault. He doesn't want to hold her to blame. WS thinking, foggy still. He's trying to protect her right now. But he's confused, some, because he's trying to explain to you in the next sentence that he does want to talk to you about reconsidering the divorce....

"why do you want to know?"

He is asking AGAIN about divorcing you...he isn't sure, Charlotte. You haven't told him in very simple terms that you want to stay married. I think he is a simple-terms kind of guy.

So send him a simple-terms kind of message:

I don't WANT to divorce you.
I WANT to stay married.
I WANT to save our marriage.
I CAN get over this.

Then, ask him if he wants to try.

Keep your communications short and simple. His comments to you are pretty much sarcasm, but they read through with some air of fear. He's hurt and looking for a clear opening to come home. That's why he said this:

"it's not a lot of fun not having a home".

It isn't a pity party he's after.

He needs to understand FOR SURE that you can forgive him.

Tell him in no uncertain terms you can.



Be positive and upbeat when you talk to him. And LISTEN when he talks to you. Do less talking, more listening. He's afraid he's lost right now. Give him a chance to come home. He's foggy, but that is normal. The sarcasm is his way of trying to sound like he's in control. But it also shows his fears - because there is a lot of truth still in it.

Hi schoolbus,

Thank you so much for analyzing H's response.

I will mull this over to see if I can come up with a good message to convey this...or I guess I could just put it to him with the simple sentences in your post!!!

Charlotte

Charlotte,

I would say, try to limit what you have to say to about five or six sentences.

Finish with "I love you".

And then listen. When he's done talking, restate your five or six sentences, and leave him with that. Don't get into a back-and-forth match, because you have ONE thing to say to him:

"We CAN rebuild this marriage."

Don't get ANY OTHER MESSAGE to him but that one. He has to know you believe it, or he won't.

SB

Hi schoolbus,

He called me a little while ago but I haven't yet calmed down enough to return the call.

He didn't leave a VM.

Charlotte

SB, I agree very much about this and had her send him a short letter saying this the night before he was served and then again the day after. My biggest concern is that he will believe it is OVER because of the divorce and because she has a tendency to NOT communicate her pain. She was acting like everything was NORMAL. My concern was [is] that he won't believe she can forgive him.

So I think yours is an excellent suggestion to reinforce that message in very short, concise bullet points. He is very foggy right now, but he reads ALOT, so I think this written reinforcement of her message will have an impact.

Also, PM, I am the friend he refers to in his letter. Charlotte and I speak throughout the day, everyday, and she came to my house yesterday.

I guess because I pushed it aside for so long that the pain became a way of life for me and I haven't yet been able to tap into it again to let it all out.

I am trying. It does come. I just try not to think about where he is and what he is doing to much because I don't want to hurt anymore.

I know I have to let it out. I had some success on Thursday night and Friday...I was able to let some of the anger out so it wouldn't come out in inappropriate ways.

I guess I have been the "Ambassador of Peace" for too long. I had to take on that role in a previous crisis in our family and I can't seem to quite shake it.

I am working on it, though.

I haven't yet returned his call though I am calmer now. I will call soon. I think I will send him a letter first, though.

I finally calmed down enough to return H's call. All the cards are on the table. Again.

The ball is in his court. Again.

Now I will see if he calls me and wants to talk before the hearing.

I covered everything that Melody and schoolbus advised me that I should do.

Thanks, guys.

This wimp was going to not bring it up but I took a deep breath and dove in anyway.

WTG Charlotte...you are brave. You are NOT a wimp!

Charlotte, you poured your heart out on the last email and his reply seems very casual and somewhat cold. He could be back with the OW. Have you called the OW's husband to confirm if anything has started up again?

SS, he IS with the OW.

How are you so sure? Did I miss something?

Uh-oh.... she's baaaaackkk?? And I'm not talking about the OW.

PM, I think you're right. It's baaaack.

SS is the reincarnation of BestAdvisor/ShortBus. Trolling the newbies again. What a sick, cruel SOB.

I wrote a poem for H last night and after waffling a bit, I sent it.

He wrote back this a.m. telling me it was a nice poem and that it looked like I had spent a lot of time on it.

I wrote back and thanked him, telling him that it was already in me, I just opened the floodgates and let it out.

How are you doing this morning Charlotte?

Hi RIF!

I'm doing okay at the moment. How about you?

chiming in to tell you there is every reason to hang in and to have optimism, Charlotte. Time is working its magic, you are working your magic, and Harley methods are covering you. MB posters are cheering for you like crazy. I am so hooked on your thread, so heartened by your successes.