Well, ML, you've had the most contact with Charlotte... you probably are in a better spot than most if not all of us to judge or base an opinion. Furthermore, I really respect your opinion, in a general sense.

If the drug addiction is such a big problem here, well, maybe there is some sort of co-dependency issue with Charlotte? But, what do I know.

FWIW Charlotte, I'm certain no one here wanted to make you feel like "you suck". I certainly didn't. Just trying to help.

Hi MR,

Thank you for posting. My H is not a shallow person. I would have never gotten involved with him if he was.

He's always been somewhat hermit-like and I went the same direction too, so we hadn't done much socializing except with our family. And even then, it was limited for him, be it my side or his.

We hadn't been able to travel much because of all of the things that were going on outside our M that we helped out with, sometimes financially, even though it was hard on us.

We talked about escaping on our 3rd honeymoon all of the time. We were talking about saving up the money and deciding where we would go, even.

And really, I'm not infatuated with my attorney. It was a fleeting thing that made me feel good as a woman and as a human. That's it. I'm not going to see him for a long time so there won't be any imprinting going on.

I didn't see your comments about your lawyer about infatuation, but more of a diversion <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think folks are sincerely trying to help her, however, I think many are missing a big piece of the puzzle because they may not be clear on her marital background and how her H's drug addiction effected it. An addiction makes this a very different breed of cat.

Thank you, Bellevue. I think you are right about the tantrum.

But I am also terrified that H just won't talk to me anymore. I'm sure he's extremely po'ed that I got the best of him in court.

And freezing the collection so he is not able to utilize it was like me poking the monster with a big stick.

I didn't push H to get married. He was afraid I might be a runaway bride, I think. I know he mentioned it before our wedding.

I DID encourage the friendship, though because I felt bad that I couldn't do everything with him that I should have been doing, even though I really wanted to.

I didn't see the harm in them going to a movie once in a while.

I know how stupid that was now. But I trusted him.

Thanks Melody.

I don't want to have any doubts that what I'm doing is the right thing.

Of course sometimes I think that I'm just doing what he really wants with the D and that he just doesn't care about me anymore.

Even though I told him in person, on the phone, and gave him the letter you helped me compose to state my position.

Charlotte, I pushed the friendship between S and OW too. I didn't think there was any harm in things, because she was a good friend of mine. We all want to trust our spouses... and it isn't stupid, it's the way it's supposed to be. I have learned that male and female friendships = trouble.

C22,

SERIOUSLY, I only wish you Good Luck in your efforts to R.

I sure didn't want to jump in and muddy the waters ... I've just been reading your situation from the beginning, and had a few observations and opinions, and this seemed like the appropriate time to chime in since others appeared to be getting some of the same vibes.

All I know is that in my situation, I had to recognize and address a couple of outside issues that I had that were draining away my natural confidence and happiness. Once I did that, I felt much better about MYSELF, which no doubt helped reignite my FWW's original attraction to me.

One of the things that I had to realize was that when it came to recovery with my FWW, it was just as important to view things through HER pre-A perspective (counselling helped with this), becaues whether I agreed with it or not HER perception was HER reality. Its just a matter of getting on the same page with your WS, before any R can occur.

Also, just for my clarification, what is your WH's drug of choice, the amount/frequency of usage, and length of addiction?

Again, Good Luck to you.

C22, could be that his p.o.-ness could last a while.

Just ruminating, had he won everything he demanded, would he want to be talking?

In the years leading up to our estrangement, my H repeated over and over a myth that we shared: that he was afraid I would change my mind and decide not to marry him, so we short-dated our wedding. That he was insanely in love with me. For my part, I could not get over that such a wonderful prince wanted to marry me. He used to say "You must've had a rough life."

After D-day, the myth curdled into "I only married you because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. And once you became pregnant with DS, I realized I was stuck. I know you never loved me."

You encouraged the friendship too? Charlotte, I could kick myself. I also encouraged them to go to movies, dinner, sports events. I was so STUPID!

Hang in there. I'm realizing there's a lot of background most of us don't have about your H, you and the M, including the addiction. I am so praying for your success.

Thanks Orchid,

I am trying to mentally prepare for this. I started to take down pictures and other mementos last night.

This a.m. before I left I took down the post-it notes that were in our bathroom that we used to leave to each other all of the time.

Just those sweet little bits from our former life hurt so bad to look at.

I don't know what I'll do as far as when people want to talk about H. I know questions will be asked.

My mom was talking about his cake-eating last night and I got really upset and frustrated with her. I apologized later but I had the shakes and my stomach was in knots.

I guess that packing everything up is okay? believer and I were talking about this last night.

Will this be some signal to H that I am washing my hands of him forever? Should I pack everything away but leave our wedding photos on display?

I'm not sure but I know that it makes me feel better not to look at it.

H used to spoil me a lot with little gifts and things and there's just so much of it I can hardly believe it. My walls are going to be really bare.

I guess that will make it easier to paint, though.

Hi mbm69,

Thank you for helping me. I am just trying not to dwell on H's silence and what he did the other day.

It's gotten better since then but sometimes it crops up and I start feeling bad about myself again.

Well I just posted an Edit to my comment to RIF.... didn't want it to sound prejudice or anything like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

C22, when H left, I found that seeing his stuff in the house was hazardous to my recovery. So I packed up his clothes and misc stuff boxed them and put them in the garage. After a few failed recovery attempts each time those things were brought back into the house, the method of repacking them changed.

It went from suitcases to nice packing boxes to large garbage bags, then finally just threw them out on the front lawn. Talk about exposure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He stopped fighting me after that (regarding my touching his stuff). That was for his benefit because in my plan, the next step would have included the use of scissors. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I made it my aim that our family was valuable. If he wanted back it, he had to earn it. Each time he made work for me, it pissed me off and that is why his clothes eventually were on display in our front porch and yard. Yea.... WS was also pissed but when the police saw it, they ordered him to pick it up and remove himself from our home. They also told him I had a right to be that angry if an A was involved. Boy did that tick off the WS. But it sure helped me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Btw, Ws was warned each time NOT to leave his stuff in the house since our home was not to be used to enable the A. Leaving his stuff in our home made it convenient for him and that was not my intent.

take care,
L.

Yeah, he was a very nice diversion.

I probably won't stop thinking about him completely, either.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LMAO, Orchid,

That was a great story about your H's stuff.

I didn't even think about the obvious, how having H's stuff around was helping to enable the affair.

Thanks for bringing that up. I guess I'd better get some more boxes and pack his crap too, eh?

Nah, don't want to make it too easy on him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're right Melody. Even I haven't been thinking too much about his addiction, and I should be.

I have informed the family that I was trying to enlist the aid of his employers to help deal with his addiction.

They are really worried about him, too. Especially in light of the way his mother died because her kidneys were destroyed.

You are probably sleeping now so I hope you have a nice rest!

I'm looking forward to RIF's "Shorts Reports" later!

My mom is going to get together with some people from work at the post office so we can get a really good care package together.

I hope you have some nice dreams and not any with Italians in skimpy shorts ballet dancing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

C22

Poking a monster???? I really have to get going with my Bigfoot trap and send him your WH's way....

Thinking of you and sending prayers your way.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I'll take you up on that, johnstwin!

Thank you for the prayers, I know I'm going to need all of the help I can get with this.

Ok RIF has me on a roll here.... LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> .... I think we should fling over poopy diapers. Regardless of age. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I feel guilty. I really do. I wasn't there for my husband as I should have been.

I tried but I guess I didn't try hard enough. I didn't mean to be so depressed and I had no idea how bad your thyroid gland can betray you when it wants.

I was a wreck emotionally and I didn't care about my appearance, the appearance of our home or anything, really. I tried to spend time with H but when I was carrying around so much fluid it was hard to function.

Clothing was uncomfortable. Food was harder to eat. The pills didn't help any, either. The doctors would not allow me to take diuretics.

Anyway...I did apologize to H. I tried to make things up to him when he was still in our home.

I got my system cleaned out, the docs finally found the right meds to take care of the fluid retention. I started trying to be the best I could be.

Not long before exposure I was talking to H and the stepford wife comment came up. So I know they were still talking about me and making fun of me.

I was just trying to do better and make life better for him and me. I finally tweaked the recipe for cheese enchiladas to the point where they were perfect for both of us because we've always been really picky about c.e.'s and only the right cheese, sauce and tortilla thickness will do.

I got back into the good habits of living while wading through some deeper cleaning that needed to be addressed in our home.

I started going horseback riding again. I started reading again, both fiction for pleasure and books for education about A's.

Numerous things. Then he started taking more and more pills again (he had slacked off for a while,) staying later and later at "work," and taking more and more money from our account.

So now here we are today.