Going okay. I was out of town for the holidays, so I haven't kept up with the board.

WW still planning on moving home in the next week or so, but.....

Just found out this morning that while I was away on vacation, my heating went out, my pipes froze and burst and as my real estate agent put it, my house is basically totaled.

Had a follow up to your thread I will post shortly.

For an update. My WW still plans on moving home. She says it will be next week, but that may slip a week due to my house being destroyed. I have pressed her about this several times, and she seems sincere. Most recently saying that she realizes she loves me very much and can't see herself ever being happy if we don't try everything possible to work it out.

So, with the house destroyed I think she is going to have to move into my apartment. As I've had some time to think about it, I think that it would be better if we were in the same place.

I'm hoping some people can offer some advice on a problem I have been dealing with. I don't think I can go all in on this recovery attempt. I don't want to sound too touchy feely, but I'm pretty walled off right now, and it feels fairly safe and secure. I don't think I want to let those walls down. So my question is; do I have to for recovery to be successful?

I think given your story that you would be a fool to feel otherwise. I think that you owe it to yourself to be open to the possibility of your W being sincere in her intentions. I also think you owe it to yourself to recognize the past and the patterns she has followed and be somewhat cautious in your expectations.

Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst. Either way, I think you're in for a positive change in your life.

So Rprynne...

Your house is trashed, forcing MT to move into your cozy little apartment eh? Hmmmm. A little divine intervention perhaps? (Not to make light of the situation. I can't imagine what a headache it must be.)

I agree with Tyk. Baby steps.

--SC

Thanks for the encouragement.

The destruction is pretty complete. Out of the 15 rooms in my house I would say that 13 of them will have to be completely gutted and rebuilt. All from one pipe fitting busting in the upstairs bathroom.

Divine intervention? I don't know about that. I think the closeness when she moves back may be a benefit. And it does eliminate a need for a conversation on the topic, and I can certainly use less conversations.

I think my reaction to the whole thing, had more of an impact on my WW, than I would have thought. I think my WW had all these negative ideas about what I would think or do, that would have matched with the way I was 3 years ago. But none of them happened. Its one of the few times I think my WW actually looked at who I am, rather than who she has made me out to be.

I think if my WW would quit avoiding me all the time, she might find out she actually likes me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Counting down to WW's return. Supposed to be 1/29. The plane tickets have been purchased and her car is scheduled to be shipped back. WW brought up that we should start looking for a MC and offered to do "all the things" she needs to do to regain my trust.

My skepticism about her actually returning is eroding, which is risky and painful, and my thoughts are turning to what the heck do we do now, which is also painful.

Has anyone else been separated for so long and then recovered? Anything different you should do?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi rprynne! Good to "see" ya!

I think you should develop a plan, together. You need to not be afraid to ask for EXACTLY what you need right off the bat. Its more difficult to come back later and say "oh, ya, I'm kinda uncomfortable with not being able to see your credit card statements" two months later, and it sounds like she is ready to agree to some concessions right now, so you should take advantage of that.

That being said, you need to make it a plan that suits both of you. Look at it as an implementation of the Policy of Joint Agreement and a chance to practice your new negotiation skills!

Hopefully you'll get some better (or at least more thorough) advice from others!

I'm glad to hear that your marriage is getting another chance rprynne! I hope you two both make the most of it!

Good to "see" you. Haven't seen any updates on your sitch. Things going okay?


Maybe so. Not really sure what I would include in a plan.

I guess I feel this site and its principles encompass a pretty good plan. If you're asking me to come up with something original its going to be a while!

I've been considering posting an update, things have been pretty smooth here lately, some minor dips in the rollercoaster but not nearly as many and definitely less severe. Me not posting about myself is a GOOD thing, as it means things are relatively peaceful!

You should definitely try to find a therapist that is familiar with MB concepts. There is a new "Local Help" feature up top of the page, still nothing there in my area, but maybe you'll get lucky and have your leg work done for you?

Nah, that's not neccessary. What I mean is I did MC with the Harley's for a while and have a pretty good idea of how they work and what they would tell me to do. But I've already been basically doing what they recomend. So I guess my anxiety is more around having this big change, but there really not seeming to be anything different I should be doing.

Anyway, glad to hear things are more peaceful for you.

just wanted to say Hi and that I'm praying for you guys rprynne.

my 2cents on a plan. have it include FUN!!! what do you two like to do together that is just fun? decide together and then make sure you do it every week.

for DH and me it was raquetball which we did religious every week even when we didn't feel like it. it made a big difference to me, even on days when things between us were tough, especially on those days. no matter what every friday at 1:30 we met at the courts.

these days, we no longer go ever friday but we try to fit in a time at least once a month. our fun time is no longer scheduled. mostly now it is sitting down together and playing a game or two of backgammon. it's very meaningful to me.

I think you are WISE to keep those walls up until she demonstrates she is SINCERE about recovery. You have no evidence of that at this point. Talk is CHEAP with a wayward.

Let her do all the work right now and give her an opportunity to PROVE to you she is sincere and has a PLAN. WHAT IS HER PLAN? You have no reason to believe it will be different this time.

This is likely to be False Recovery #14, so please be careful, rprynne.

Hi. And thanks.


Agree.


Not quite 14, but point taken.


Overall, I think your right. I don't think she has a plan. But that leads back to my original question. What do I do in the meantime? Do I go along with whatever "plan" she develops or do I get involved with it? I mean, I don't feel all that optimistic about things. Do I try to be optimistic, do I act optimistic. I don't feel all that close to her. Do I act like I do?

We advise WS to "fake it till you make it" all the time. I'm just asking if that is something I need to or should do.