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I was married Mar.26th 1988 and am the father of 5 children. I had an affair that began in Feb of this year. I was confronted by my wife in Apr. and admitted I was having an affair, but I was also protecting the affair at the same time. I was asked to leave the home June 15th when she discovered I was still lying, and still cheating. I asked to come home in July and was allowed back in the home. I ended the affair and I was asked to go to counciling and work the marriage builders program to restore our marriage. I was not willing, nor broken enough to follow through, and the result was I left again Sept.3rd and rented a condo. I started the affair again. I was finally broken enough to end the affair a week and a half ago. I contacted my wife and we are commited to reconciling. We left town tuesday night to be together away from all others so we can begin the work together. I have agreed to all she is asking, I am however broken and scared. We have shared together EVERYTHING this time. There are no more half measures available to me. She used every bit of tough love advise available from all the forums on this sight. The tough love realities helped break me, however, I just learned she gave herself to another man four weeks ago and that she told me she also gave her heart to him. I am so confused, broken and scared but also commited to whatever it takes. If you want to know my wifes story she told me to let everyone know she posts as sexymamabear. I could use some honest feedback for a change. tst





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm glad you decided to post and hope you will do some reading here. I've grown quite fond of your wife, and think you are making the best choice for yourself, her and your family.

The first thing you need to do is to write the other woman a no contact letter. It should explain that the affair was a mistake, you love your wife, and will be working on the marriage. It should ask her never to contact you again for any reason. Then your wife should read the letter and send it to the other woman.

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Welcome. I hope that your marriage counseling is Marriage Builders based.

It is sad that your wife had an affair. Never a good move when trying to recover a marriage that has been damaged by infidelity. It has further muddied the waters that your wife succumbed to involvement with another man.

I have not read your wife's posts. There is so much you both need to do to recover your marriage. I hope others show up soon to support you.

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Hi tst,

I have supported your wife from her first posts in April, bumping her thread many times when we did not hear from her....but I kept praying for her....and for you, too.

Welcome to Marriagebuilders. Many of us have been (and may continue to be) suspicious of you so please understand that things may seem a little testy. I'm so glad you have the courage to post here and I trust you will be diligent to follow up on the excellent suggestions made, even if some may be the most difficult endeavors you've ever experienced.

God can work miracles and the tools you both can learn here on MB can help you recover, survive, and maybe even thrive to be a blessing to others a ways down the road.

I'll be praying for you, tst and smb.

Blessings,

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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Welcome and kudos for being here.

Play it straight and you will get a lot of support. If you try and BS us, be prepared for a tsunami of truth to hit home quick.

We love repentant WS's here.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Your W posts under what name and what is her stance now? Recovery or fog?

Both of you are WS/BS'?

L.

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Hi tst, welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. The most important first steps in your recovering your marriage will be to a) end all contact with your OW and b) spend 15 hours a week with your wife meeting each others needs so you can fall back in love with each other.

Have you ended all contact with your OW and taken steps to ensure there will be no incidental contact?

I have shown this article to your wife, but here is a comprehensive outline of recovery after adultery. Glad you made it over here, friend, you are going to get over this with a little hard work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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So you went to your wife with a reconciliation offer before you found out she was involved with an OM, right?

What is it about this time that has gotten you to the point of really being able to end the adultery, really being serious about reconciliation with your wife?

Did you notice something different about your BW's attitude, lifestyle, words, etc.?

What changed to cause you to want to give up OW?

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Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am praying for you and your wife. It will be a long road, but when God works a miracle, all things are possible. Buckle in for a long ride; it will be worth it all when you reach your destination!

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Tst:

Don't get this wrong, because I am 100 per cent against infidelity, but don't be too hard on your spouse. Not only did you cheat, you lied and said it was over when it wasn't. This is a devastating action!

Nevertheless, fixing this is not impossible. A good marriage is like a garden. You just made yours a lot more difficult to till, but it can still be fruitful.

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Believer,

I have agreed to write a no contact letter with my wife before we even return home.

Any thoughts about what is next?





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Your W posts under what name and what is her stance now? Recovery or fog?

Both of you are WS/BS'?

L.

My wife posts as sexymamabear and I am not sure where she is yet.

Yes, we are both WS/BS.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
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Hi tst, welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. The most important first steps in your recovering your marriage will be to a) end all contact with your OW and b) spend 15 hours a week with your wife meeting each others needs so you can fall back in love with each other.

Have you ended all contact with your OW and taken steps to ensure there will be no incidental contact?

I have shown this article to your wife, but here is a comprehensive outline of recovery after adultery. Glad you made it over here, friend, you are going to get over this with a little hard work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I have ended all contact and my wife and I are working together while we are away in setting up ways to ensure no incidental contact. Such as all passwords and files of email accounts and cell phones. We are working on a no contact letter together.

I have read the article that you linked and will be willing to do whatever it takes.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
Joined: Nov 2007
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So you went to your wife with a reconciliation offer before you found out she was involved with an OM, right?

I went to my wife with an apology letter and only asked if she would have an interest in reconciliation. My only intention of the letter was offer the most sincere apology I could.

I did not know she was involved with anyone until after I had agreed to whatever she wanted. And I still am in agreement to do whatever it takes.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
Joined: Nov 2007
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What is it about this time that has gotten you to the point of really being able to end the adultery, really being serious about reconciliation with your wife?

Did you notice something different about your BW's attitude, lifestyle, words, etc.?

What changed to cause you to want to give up OW?


It has taken me hours and days to answer these questions to my wife. I will do my best to express the answers here.

Over the last months, God convicted me of so many different things. He showed me how important my children were and how important it was to me that they remain with their mom being homeschooled and in a nurturing environment. I mentioned this to OW and she thought I was crazy. She actually said I was stupid to not try to take the kids from my wife. At that moment I realized she was not who I thought she was. She was no more than a counterfeit. And that I had left the real one behind. I was so sad. That is when I began to become broken. And I knew that the affair had to end. It took me several more weeks before I actually confronted OW to end the relationship. This was before I talked with my wife about reconciling. God broke me and made me realize that I could never be involved with anyone regardless of if my wife took me back. That I was a dad and my kids needed all of me because I had destroyed their lives. It all just broke my heart so much. For nearly a month, I wrestled with God until I could apologize to my wife. He had to make sure I was completely broken and I am willing to be broken more.

I think my stomach muscles have become detached from my insides from crying and shaking so much over the past few weeks. I have probably only been averaging 2-3 hours of sleep a night for the last three weeks. I know God still has more to do. He's done for me what I can't do for myself. And I need a lot of help. I need a lot of help from real people because the world tried to destroy me. I got so caught up in all the lies. It's so amazing the man I became in such a short period of time. I never would have believed I could do what I did.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Over the last months, God convicted me of so many different things. He showed me how important my children were and how important it was to me that they remain with their mom being homeschooled and in a nurturing environment. I mentioned this to OW and she thought I was crazy. She actually said I was stupid to not try to take the kids from my wife. At that moment I realized she was not who I thought she was.

It wasn't enough for her to just help you self destruct, but she wanted to destroy your family, too. How fortunate that you stopped before this got any worse, tst. Going through with this would have killed your soul and left far reaching ramifications for you, your wife and your children. This is the kind of stuff that leads to drinking to drown out our consciences. Your children would never be the same again. Never.

Have you been getting to meetings, tst, and have you told them what happened? Do you have another sponsor?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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[It's so amazing the man I became in such a short period of time. I never would have believed I could do what I did.

But the man YOU ARE stood up and stopped this massacre of his family and his soul. That is who you ARE. You are not a man who could go through with it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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And I need a lot of help. I need a lot of help from real people because the world tried to destroy me. I got so caught up in all the lies. It's so amazing the man I became in such a short period of time. I never would have believed I could do what I did.

Your post made me cry. My FWH could have written the same words and has said pretty much the same thing. He said it was like he was in a trance... nothing seemed real. God worked a miracle in him too... my FWH was a broken man. But you know what, it's easier for God to deal with a broken person than someone who isn't completely repentant. I sincerely hope you are.

Some day you and SMB will look back on this and know that you came through the fire. Hopefully you both will learn from this and be there to help others.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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tst,
Glad to have you here.

Besides all of the good advice given to you, I'd advise that you read Surviving an Affair. Can't remember if SMB has it or not. It'll help you understand the dynamics of affairs. They are pretty much the same, just with a few minor differences. You'll get an idea of HOW you got to where you are. But, you'll need to figure out the WHY. This is so you can prevent it from happening again in the future. You want to affair proof you M.

We all have weaknesses. You did not protect yours, and unfortunately neither did SMB.

Another thing to consider is that the A was not about the OW, it was about YOU. The OW could have been anyone meeting some of your needs. All you. Same goes for SMB. The OM was meeting her emotional needs. You both made a decision to step over the line. Yes, hers was a reaction stemming from yours, but she still has to own this.

Unfortunately, BSs become extremely vulnerable after DDay. Our self esteem is in the negatives, our world ceases to exist. We cannot trust our S and we cannot trust ourselves.

We had an idea of our lives and we believed this reality. Yet suddenly it is gone and we are devastated. Alone, trying to manage, survive, function.

I wish SMB had let on, we might have been able to stop her. Now she's got to live with it. I am truly saddened by that.

I suggest SMB also write an NC letter to the OM. I don't know what he was told, but he was used. She said he has her heart, but this is actually his meeting her needs. And getting your needs met brings on intense feelings, not for the OP but for the feelings themselves. That's what's addicting. That's what you go back for. Only way to get rid of those feelings (disguised as feelings for the OPs) is NC for life.

Don't want to overdo it. You have alot on your plate right now.

So...
1) NC letter for both
2) 15 hours together weekly
3) Be Transparent (open and honest)
4) Stop love busters (LB) read up on these here
5) Learn yours and her top emotional needs and how to meet them.
6) Read, read, read this site. Learn the concepts. They work.


Recovery is very difficult. Some days, you'll be happy you are home, some days you will wonder why you came back. SMB will too. Learn to not react with emotions. Your goal is a happy, healthy M...work towards that.

We'll be here. Keep posting.


BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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