I'm reposting form diffrent forum...

My wife has been in her phisical affair for at least 2 months. But she has been having an emotional affair for some time now. She claims that she could not talk to me so he turned to her friend "N". She claims that she never wanted for something to flurish but resent events have changed that.

About 3 months ago I discoverd that she has been unhappy for some time. She said that I don't meet her emotional needs. That we are to diffrent. That we grew appart. I agree that some of these things have happen. I want to work on it but she claims that she is too emotionaly drained. She has not filed for divorce yet. But she did start this affair with her friend of 10 yrs. For 10 yrs "N" claimed to be her friend. They work together. And When things start getting bad with me and her, he moves in and said all the right things, show he cares, and he had the inside info to act on her emotions. I feel so bad that my wife can't see how he is taking advantage of the situation. He so manipulative, he even created a "script" for them to come out at work with their affair. He makes it seem like they are just starting to date each other and that they don't know where things are going to lead from there. The reality is that they both just want to feel comfortable with their relationship. I know that my wife feels some shame. She told me that she feels "dirty" for wanting to be with him.

We have been marrired for 10yrs and have to beautiful girls. 7 & 2 yrs. Knowing that she stopped loving me crushed me, knowing that she is having an affair has devatated me. I love her very much and don't want to give up on our family. I know that she is living in a fantacy right now. I want to do something if I can to stop this affair.

I have two battels going on. One- She needs to stop the affair. Two- I need to make her fall back in love with me. I need her to give a chance to prove to her that I can meet her emotional needs.

Help!!! anyone

let me start by saying that i know what you are going through. You truly have a rough road ahead and it probably won't get easier any time soon. the only advice that i can give is that you first have to take responsibility for the role that you played in all of this. do that and let her know that you've done that. explain to her how things can be different and that they will be different. show her that you can weather the storm and that you are there for her and REALLY be there. exhaust that until you are sure that you've done all that you can. when you're sure that you've done all that you can or you really start to lose yourself in all of then you step away. let her know that you are stepping back and do it. if she loves you she will follow. and if she doesn't.... well i think you know. but at least you know that you gave it everything.

Hi Sonny,

Welcome to MB.

First thing, YOU are NOT responsible for your W having an A. She is 100% responsible for deciding to have the A. You are responsible for the conditoin of the M prior to the A, but the A was her decision.

Read all of the articles here on the website... especially the ones about exposure and Plan-A.

Your first task is to expose the A. As long as your W and this OM are in contact, the A will continue. Don't believe anything that your W says about it being "over" if you haven't exposed... if she say's it's over so you don't need to expose, all that will mean is that they're just being more careful.

Once you've exposed the A, and NO CONTACT (NC) is in place, you can start your Plan-A... Plan-A is where you learn how to meet your W's most important ENs and better yourself as a H... this will make you more attractive to your W.

It all starts with ending the A, so give us a shout if you have any questions about how to expose...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Sonny, you are getting GREAT advice on this forum and also on your original post. READ everything you can here. Try NOT to react to her "fog". Try as hard as you can to think logically and apply the MB principals.

Is your wife still in the house?

To repeat what RIF said....give a shout out with any questions or concerns.

P.S. You NEED to EXPOSE the A at their work.

Thanks rif.--

I have a question. How can I establish a NC when she is not willing to give up the A. She is still hinding around but its not a secret anymore in hour house.

She told me "I want to be with him. I want to see if he is just like you. I want to do what ever I want to do. No one is going to tell me what to do anymore, I am no longer under your domain." "I don't want to be with you"

I have a feeling she will not come back. She is being selfish, she is not thinking of our girls, her family, the OM's family (W), and I think she does not care about what I feel. Is there any hope. Can Plan A realy work... She is not willing to give a NC. I don't know how to negotiate this. She claims that our marriage is breaking up because of all the damage done through out the years. The A has nothing to do with it. She said that the OM came as a surprise to her. She "fell in love" but did not want to. She told me whether she was with OM or alone, she is done. I don't know if that is true. I have a strong feeling that OM had a lot to do with her current state of mind. Why did it take so long for her to come to her current mindset. They are both feeding each other's disorder. And that makes them feel good.

We are currently separated. We are selling the house I feel that as soon as the house sells if it ever does she will file for divorce.

I know, sometimes it's hard to hear when we are really sad and devastated as you are. But YES, plan A can REALLY work. Exposure will do A LOT to help break up the affair.

Read the articles on the site, the basic concepts, the articles, the forum. Educate yourself and listen to the advice that you get here. There are some extremely supportive people here, many have gone through the same despair you are feeling now. They can help.

My spouse left me a couple of weeks ago... he was not having an affair, but he was looking at online dating sites. He said he was through also. He gave me the same speech your wife did. We are separated.

I've been working plan A HARD. Really HARD. But, spouse is manifesting now that "whatever you've been doing it's working".

Don't despair, there is ALWAYS hope. And it's never too late.

Hey Sonny,



That's why you MUST expose the A. Exposure isn't done to 'punish' the WS... it isn't done to 'get back' at the OM... the sole reason for Exposure is to END the A.

Your W is following the WS script to the letter... her comments may seem 'original', but trust me, every BS here has heard the same words... Your W is in deep TAKER mode... all she cares about is her and the feelings that this OM give her. These feelings are NOT real and it will take Exposure to end the A.



Do YOU want to separate and then divorce??? If not, then you must end the A. If they work together, then I'd definitely expose the A at her work...

Semper Fi,

RIF

This is Fog Talk(tm). I know it's hard, but you have to ignore it. Don't spend a lot of time analyzing what she says and trying to figure out what's going on in her head. Nothing is going on in her head, besides a chemical rush that's indistinguishable from drug use.

Everything she is saying to you is identical to what every other wayward spouse says. Just know that she is reading from the wayward script -- a script that never changes. None of what she says will make any sense, and she'll constantly contradict herself, sometimes in the same sentence.

You can't reason with her. You can't appeal to logic. You can't force her. You can't beg her. What's worse, when you try to do any of those things you push her farther away.

You can't force her or use reason to get her to agree to NC. She has to decide.

Keep reading the site. You'll see that Plan A is the only real chance you have. It's nowhere near 100% effective, but it's better than pleading, threatening, and arguing, which NEVER works.

Also, remember Plan A is a carrot AND a stick. For the carrot you show her you are changing the things about you that hurt your marriage. You don't TELL her you're changing. You show her. For the stick you expose, expose, expose. Affairs often wither when exposed to sunlight.

Have you exposed their affair at work yet? I know you are reluctant to do this because you're afraid of the backlash from your WW, but think about it this way: You are going to lose her and see your family broken up if the affair continues. And the affair WILL continue if they are allowed to legitimize it with their co-workers.

My situation and yours are very, very similar. My WW started an affair with a guy she worked with. I heard the exact same fog talk. I was in contact with the OM's wife. OM's wife was opposed to exposing them at work, but I found a way to do it anonymously. OM was fired on the spot, and suddenly the bright, happy future the two of them envisioned began disintegrating.

If you're interested in knowing how I managed to expose them anonymously let me know.

Hang in there. What you are going through right now is certainly the worst thing that's ever happened to you. For me it was far worse than the deaths of my parents and every career setback I ever suffered COMBINED. Make sure you're taking care of yourself the best you can. Your daughters need you.

The house won't sell unless you agree to sell it. If you get an offer that's below the asking price, reject it. When the listing agreement expires don't renew it.

My WW expected to immediately sell the house and leave me scrambling for a place to live while she took her share of the equity and started her new life with OM. I said no.

Stay in the house. It's your kids' house too. Just because WW wants to take off doesn't mean you and your kids have to lose your house.

If your situation goes all the way to divorce are you planning to ask for custody of the kids? If so you need to stay in the family home. She can leave if she wants, but you're staying.

Have you seen a lawyer? If not you should. You need to protect whatever assets you have. Waywards have been known to drain accounts, run up debt, and sell off assets while the BS sits wringing their hands. Protect yourself and your children.

sonny, the others are giving you great advice. Your most potent weapon is exposure. Exposure ruins affairs. Affairs thrive on secrecy and once you bring it out into the open it will start dying off.

Exposure is best done all at once to achieve the maximum effect and to prevent them from pre-empting you and spinning the story.

Exposure targets should be:

Human Resources
the OM's wife
her parents
your parents
the OM's parents
close siblings and friends

Before all that, the kids should be informed of the truth so that your WS does not lie to them and spin the story. Kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies.

I would suggest sending a registered letter to Human Resources with cc's to the company VP, and both their bosses telling them about the affair. Ask them what they intend on doing about it. There is a template floating around here somewhere written by BritsBrat, when i get on my laptop i will link it.

Time your exposures to land on the same day the letter is received at her company so it all comes crashing down at the same time.

When you call your family members, ask for their HELP. Tell them about the affair and ask for their advice in ending it. People are much more willing to help if you ask and will often offer to speak to the WS.

And please listen to Jethro, he knows what he is talking about. You absolutely should not COOPERATE in the sale of your house! Good grief, if you cooperate with someone whose goal is to destroy your marriage and your family, you will end up with a ........................destroyed marriage and family!! Don't cooperate with anything!

you should be in Plan A:


The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

ok, sonny, I see from reading your other thread that others have already told you to expose and you have not listened to them. We cannot help you save your marriage if you won't ACT on our suggestions. Right now the biggest problem here IS YOU becuase you won't ACT.

The goal here is to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE and you believe it is to avoid making your wife mad. If you don't make your wife mad while she is destroying your marriage and your children's family then YOU ARE NOT DOING YOUR JOB. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger at your interference but it CANNOT SURVIVE this affair.

Let me ask you this, if she were a crack addict, would you avoid taking her crack because it might make her mad? Or would you take her crack, and endure her anger, knowing that she would sober up once the crack was gone? Would you sit there and watch her self destruct with CRACK simply to avoid making her mad? That is what you are doing, sonny.

Your marriage and your family is under ASSAULT and unless you MAN UP here and take some action, you are going to get killed on the field of battle. You have a POWERFUL WEAPON in your hand that you are not using.


If the Titanic is going down would you discuss the peeling paint in the girls bathroom? Or would you put on your thinking cap and deduce that perhaps the ship needed to be saved FIRST? Wouldn't that be the clever thing to do? You and I both know that the affair is the MAIN PROBLEM and this ship is going down until that situation is corrected.

Your "therapist" is a moron who understands NOTHING about adultery. First off, therapy is USELESS while there is an ongoing affair because the goal of therapy is RECOVERY, an impossible goal with an active affair.

And secondly, most marriage counselors are NOT PRO-MARRIAGE but simply faciliatate AMICABLE DIVORCES. This is why the rate of success amongst MC's is about 16%. They have a HIGHER divorce rate than the average population!

So, dump this loser and save your hard earned money before you end up divorced.

Don't move out
Don't sell the house
Expose


Your young ones need you to fight for them. Your wife, though seemingly resolute, is acting no different than my now FWW did 2.5 years.

Don't just put your toe in the exposure waters to test the temperature. Your wife's has a multiple year relationship with this guy and trying to act openly like the affair is OK thus I emphasize to you that I think you need more or less a tsunami of truth/exposure. Take a few days to Plan it for say Monday. Research and acquire all contact information and let her rip.

OM's mom and dad
OM's kids, 1st wife, grandparents
WW's parents and siblings
WW's grandparents
WW and OM's bosses and coworkers
any relevant Church leaders (some churches even have church discipline)

Expose in the MB manner.

After you expose...carry with yourself a voice activated digital recorder (which you should already have and been using to build your divorce and custody case) to protect yourself from false restraining order or domestic violence claims wife may try to use to gain the upper hand. If she files a false claim and you can prove it....YOU WIN.

Good luck,

YOU WILL MAKE IT.

Mr. Wondering

On second thought,

Monday may be a bit too long to wait.

Get the recorder and do it tomorrow evening to all the friends, family and church people followed by Monday to the work.

Plan it here. There are plenty of examples of what to say and how to say it elsewhere herein.

I KNOW this is hard but the courage and strength come from actually taking the action. You will feel much better having taken control of your life. You may even regret it for a day or two...but in the long run you will see it HAD to be done.

Please...don't ignore this advice. It's your best hope.

Mr. Wondering

Jethro -

My situation is very similar to Sonny's. I need some information on exposing to a few people anonomously and could really use your insight.

If this is your wife, then you should NOT make an anonymous exposure, because no one takes them seriously. They are dismissed as gossip, as they should be. If it isn't serious enough for you to put your name on it, then it isn't serious enough to be credible.

Besides, if you do it anonymously, how will you take your DUE credit for it?

I thank you all for the good advice. I will expose them at work. I will also talk to OM Fam. I know it will be ******. But I'm in ****** already, this way I feel like I am doing something.

Jedthro--- What is the best way to expose them anonimously? I have a cousin an aquantance that work with her. What is the best way of using them. Should I get the othr BS involed? I talk to her from time to time. Maybe if we do it together poeple will take it serious.

I will call her up to see if she is willing to help me contact the OM fam. and to help me to expose them at work. How long is will my WW be over the anger of me exposing her, so that she can see plan A in action. I have changed the last couple of months but so far she does not seem impressed.

I don't have acceses to a computer all the time, so I apologize if my resposes are a little late or take a long time.

once again I TRUELY APPRICIATE all the help and well wishes
thank you all.

sonny, I would never recommend an anonymous exposure. It is not likely to be taken seriously, nor can you take full credit for your handiwork. If it is not serious enough to sign your name, then it is not credible enough to take seriously. You will want to MAKE CERTAIN that your WW and the exposure target know it came from you so you can TAKE CREDIT for your good deed.

Post deleted by NearingTheEnd

nearingtheend, would you mind taking this post and starting a new thread so you aren't buried down at the bottom of someone elses thread? That way we don't disrupt sonny's thread and others can see and respond to yours. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Just hit the "post" button and a new thread will pop up.