Thanks, Yeah I knew when I wrote it, but I'm so very dissatisfied with him, after having to leave my dream job at NASA because we couldn't pay our bills because it took him 4 years of paying for 2 houses just because he didn't 'feel' like working on the old one. And then doing this with the money, after both I and our accountant told him not to. I just can't find my way around not being angry with him for doing something even he admitted was wrong. We're paying tens of thousands of extra dollars because of these things, along with my own problems. So I wake up and go to sleep uptight over it.

But at least I'm at a point where I'm trying to change my mindset, and I've finally got set up with a C again after 4 years. So that's something.

This could be me writing! But you're right, you have to make the changes, for your kids' sakes. Above all, I don't want my D turning into me. I'm not really worried about that, she's very secure, but it still scares me.

Here's my dirty secret. My depression and lack of faith in myself is so bad that I find myself wishing that either he or I would get in an accident. When he's on a business trip, I sometimes think that I wish something would happen to him. A horrible thing to admit, but it's truly all because of myself - I'm so weak about making changes that I would find it easier to just be out of it all, one way or another; and I hate myself for thinking that way.

I haven't liked him for so many years I don't know if I ever could like him again. Since I've been to MB, I find myself having a little more compassion for him, but I still don't like him. It's not him that I dislike, but his negativity; it weighs me down, it makes me afraid to do anything that would let the negativity raise its ugly head, and it makes me forever on the hunt to avoid things that would cause him to be negative about anything.

But I'm trying to apply the principles and make our life together better, and it's helping somewhat. Maybe eventually I'll get to the point where I forgot what this is like.

Cat, I see so much progress in you. I think your H is possibly responding to some of the changes you've made. He not reacting as you expect in many situations and this has got to be because of the changes you've made in yourself. You're slowly unwinding - bit by bit. You're taking the steps to be H&O in a reasonable way.

This is a process that doesn't happen overnight. The thing I so admire about you, Cat, is that you've been fairly consistent. Sure, you've had bad days, but on the whole you've not wavered. You've admitted your fears, thoughts, and feelings in a way that makes you seem real. Admitting here is a practice step that will allow you to put into words for your H the things he needs to know.

Your IC work is going to help you get further. I honestly do believe that you are going to end up with the M you want. I also believe that you're going to end up with the life you want, as well.

The key for you at this point is to keep being H&O with your H while continuing to work on the LBs and ENs. These are things you know to do, but it's really hard when you feel the way you do about your H. I believe those feelings will soften over time as you become better and inspire him to do the same.

Also, as you work through some of the stress of your money problems, I know things will get better.

If it helps at all... I didn't like my H much at all about a year ago.

I think our M's have different problems, and I'm not trying to tell you that all your problems will disappear if you just start thinking "happy thoughts" about your H. But I agree with KLD, you are making progress. Things could be so different, even one year from now...

Is there a way to work through your resentment?

You have reason enough to feel resentment. But, is there a way through it or past it? I want you to be happy. You deserve it, we all deserve it. I just think you might be happier if you stopped DJing - and I am talking about the DJs you are committing against yourself also. (He's stupid and you're a wimp - DJ's against yourself too.)

You aren't a wimp. I see great strength in you. He can't be too stupid, if he chose a W whose strengths lie where his don't. And y'all both sound like you've produced a pretty awesome DD so you must be doing something right.

*hugs*

Wow, cat, some really big breakthroughs, thanks for sharing!

So I'm standing here at the computer, getting drunk on wine because we went to rent a steam cleaner to get ready for tomorrow night's party (it's the only day of the year that he cleans the house, when he knows adults will be coming over - and judging him). Well, MrCat never renewed his driver's license last month on his birthday so he has an expired license, and when we went to rent the machine, I didn't bring my purse (didn't want to have to pay for all the crap, because I can't even afford to pay this paycheck's bills, but I pretended that I just forgot it). Well we went to 3 places and none of them would rent him the cleaner because his license expired 12/3, and I didn't have mine. So of course, he's screaming at the top of his lungs about blacks and mexicans who won't let him rent a machine, and how I - just like in Colorado - didn't have my purse with me, so I couldn't solve the problem. If only he was black or mexican, they would have rented to him. Get the idea? So instead of finding a way to calmly point out that if he had just taken 2 hours off work to renew his license, there wouldn't have been an issue, I clam up; I cry; I let D17 cry; because I freeze whenever he goes into monster routine in front of clerks and other people in public. I'm so ashamed of myself for not being able to keep him from being this way I can't function. Until, on the way home from buying food for the party, and him screaming about blacks and mexicans and me not having my purse handy - yet again (in his mind, it's why he lost his $500 in Colorado, because I didn't take my purse into Burger King so he couldn't hand it over to me, thus his losing $500 was my fault), he's having to suffer and spend all day cleaning carpets with the $300 piece of sh*t cleaner I bought him for Christmas instead of a real one. Until I scream "shut the F up and stop making D17 cry!" He stops until we get home, then apparently goes inside to find his passport, so he can go back into town and rent a 'real' cleaner. Leaving me here at 5pm, which means we'll be cleaning until 3am. I'm sitting here praying that he'll get belligerent and get thrown in jail so I'll have a day's peace until he comes home.

I did everything wrong. I hate myself. I hate him. And I can't see a way out. This is the first day I've felt within an inch of just telling him I want him to leave. I have no way to pay bills, I'm $30,000 in debt, but I'm so distraught I don't care. But at the same time, I'm terrified that we might have a conversation where everything blows up, because this time, I don't think I can stop from just taking a knife and going into the woods. I just want everything to be over. I want someone else to fix things for me, because I can't. But there is no one else. Which makes me feel even worse, for doing this to my daughter. I should be teaching her better, and I'm so weak I can't function.

Cat, honey, I'm so sorry to hear how bad things are right now. You are learning ways to make your life happier every day, no matter what he is doing.

This stuff that he is saying right now, is fog. Like Lovinganyways says, entitlement, fueled by resentment.

What can you do RIGHT NOW to feel more like yourself? Who can you call? Where can you go for a little healthy connection? Maybe a coffee shop, or a family member's or friend's home?

I don't know what going into the woods with a knife means. I'm going to guess injuring yourself or worse? Those things can go horribly wrong. My H lost his dad to suicide when he was 17, and I'd hate to see your daughter go through that when today we have SO MANY more options.

I'm praying for you, hon. (((Catperson)))

Thank you, eo. I'm so sorry to be dumping so much lately...must be the holidays. He comes home and tells me I'm using the wrong extension, and aren't I an editor? Can't I read the instructions, that I should have diluted the mixture? And now he's going over the entire area he already cleaned with the cleaner I bought him for Christmas.

No, I don't have any friends. I don't have anyone to go to. I'm too ashamed to call anyone up I used to know. My mom's too old to deal with this. I can't put this on my daughter.

Hi Cat,

I don't see that you did so many things wrong. You didn't take your purse because you didn't have the money to pay for the steam cleaner. Good decision.

Your husband rants and raves and generally makes a fool of himself at the shops. You show restraint and don't chew him out in public. Another good decision.

When he keeps going on an on in an abusive manner you get through to him the only way that he will listen to: i.e. yelling and profanity but by letting him know that he is hurting his daughter. And he shut up, so again, I'd say it was the right decision.

Then you let him take care of the situation himself by taking his passport to rent the machine. Again a good decision.

I know you probably feel bad for the AO, but you're only human. I think you're learning to let your husband deal with the consequencens of his actions, and he's not liking it. This isn't your fault and is what is supposed to happen. However, he's not going to be fun to be around when this happens. I think eventually he will get the point however.

Cat, my computer battery's dying, but please know that I'm thinking about you. Consider caling the counselor or a hotline if you get too upset.

And please cat, consider getting out of the house for a few hours. Walk in a garden. A house of worship. Whatever brings you back to who you are. Your life is bigger than a clean or dirty carpet or a party.

Cat, I'm so sorry to hear that things are difficult for you right now. You're not weak. You're strong. You've shown us that over and over. This situation is testing that strength, but the strength is there just the same.

You can't shield MrCat from the truth forever. You're figuring out how and when to stand up. It's a process, Cat, and you're going to be fine.

Cat, just checking in with you this morning. Were you able to get out of the house for a while to clear your head?

You're in my thoughts and prayers today.

Thanks, KLD. I didn't go anywhere, but we ended up cleaning all night long, went to bed around 4. He went to another place with his passport, and rented the steam cleaner. So his problem was solved. That's how these things go; he blows up, sometimes I defend myself, but once he gets what he needed, he's fine, and just forgets it ever happened. Unless the blow up was aimed at me, in which case I barely talk to him for 2 or 3 days, so he knows he's in the doghouse. But he's off to work, so I'll have the house to me and D17, that'll be nice.

I really hope you enjoy your day and find a peaceful way to become yourself again.

Is it possible to have a conversation with your H about his behavior over this incident and how it made you feel? If he's back to feeling good again, maybe you could take a few minutes to let him know. Surely he will be surprised because it's not how you normally operate, but maybe it would be a step for you. Possibly if you tell him you don't even expect a response from him, just that it's important to you for him to hear your thoughts and feelings.

I know you have your party coming up and it may be better to wait until that is over, but over the next few days maybe you'll have a chance to think about what you want to say in a short and to the point way. I've actually written notes to follow before and it helped to keep me on track when my notes were there for a reference point.

Cat, glad to hear that things didn't re-escalate. How are you doing?

One thing that's really helped me in those situations is to clarify my predetermined boundary enforcements. Predetermined means you don't have to think through it in the moment, because you've thought it through beforehand at a calm moment. I've got to admit that this is the most challenging thing for me. Have you discussed anything like this with the IC? What do you think would work for you?

Oh, Cat. There just are no words. What can be done to help you dig out of the hole? Do you have any energy left to make some changes?



You are not in any way responsible for his behaviors. Can you make some plans on how to respond to this? For instance, could you just refuse to go with him on shopping trips? Or if you choose to go, could you choose to walk out of the store when he starts his tirade?

In regards to the debt, are you currently working? Is this credit card debt? If it is credit card debt, did you know that you can contact the card companies and ask them to stop adding late charges and interest fees? Many of them will work with you if you contact them. It is the interest and penalties that can make the debt impossible to pay off. Have you been in contact with them?

Thank you. I've been thinking about how to talk to him about it, in a non-accusatory way. I think I'll add this thought to the drive-by plan, and see what script I can come up with, to leave him a little tidbit to think about. If I link it to his D, as in not wanting to do anything that might harm her, it usually makes more of an impression on him.

I've only had one meeting with her, and it was to prepare her for our family meeting, so as not to scare H off. I've thought about predetermining before, but our lives are so unpredictable around him that I've never been able to set any boundaries. I need to be more creative, I guess. But at the very root of it, I suck at boundaries. For instance, H decided at 5pm that he and I needed to go to the store together to get last-minute things for the party at 7. I'm thinking, that's dumb, there's no reason for both of us to go, when we still have stuff to do, but I don't say anything; I'm afraid to; I just go with him, and don't get home til 6:30. And then he starts getting mad at D17, who's been home, for not getting things ready, just like he does before every party. This time, however, I DID tell him to stop griping at her, to NOT go there, and he did stop. He wasn't happy, and he pouted til the first guests came, but it kept him from yelling at D17. So I think that was correct, yes?

I do walk away from him sometimes. And I know I'm not responsible. But sometimes that's not practical, and sometimes I see the looks on the clerks' faces, like Saturday when he blew up over something, and she was just shocked, and it was all over her face, and I just wanted to die.

Can I contact the credit card companies in writing? Because I can't deal with people in real life, even over the phone. I have such a huge inhibition over such things that I'd rather suffer than deal with a person and let them know I'm in trouble. I actually did apply for a consolidation loan Friday at my credit union, though it embarrassed me mightily, so I could replace one of the high interest cards, and got turned down today; Even though it was on the phone, I was so mortified I wanted to die.

It's the same issue I have with H - I just don't do well with people, I want to melt into the woodwork, I don't want any attention. Which is why I have trouble dealing with H in the first place.