"Anyone around tonight??"

Just got home - blizzardy out, Suburban sliding around on the road, couldn't tell if I was even in the right lane... LOVE the WinterWonderLand stuff!!! Simply beautiful outside! Going to make a hot cocoa, toss my p.j.s around in the clothers dryer a bit to warm them up, have to get up early tomorrow.

Post the apology letter for your wife and the no contact with OW letter on here.

Also, have you said anything to your wife yet about the things you've learned here about meeting emotional needs and how to restore a marriage damaged by adultery? It would help her a lot if she knew you had a specific plan for recovery. If she's smart she won't give you another chance unless you can articulate specific steps you will take to fix this.

I am.

I'm a little disappointed that you don't seem to be accepting her choice.

The letter wasnt an apology letter, im working on the apology letter now. I just typed up how i was feeling a looking back through the 4 years. I didnt talk about the affairs much in the letter but mentioned it. She really liked the letter she says and thanked me for it. She cried a lot, so it really touched her.

Ive told my wife for a while about this site and hows its helping me. She said she would call me before 9:30, she hasnt but I wasnt expecting her to.

The no contact letter I am also typing, I work a lot and very hard. Tomorrow im off so ill get these things done for sure.

I wish we had some of that snow!!! Be careful out there though. I would do anything to lay around the house and drink hot co co all day with my W.

I think now ive gained enough strength from god to let her go, and let him do what he has planned for us while I work on me. Im just going to let her come to me I guess?

It smells like manipulation, Zach.

Zach:

It seems like she still has some feelings for you. That is good.

However, I think you have to realize more and more that if you have a chance, you will have to be very patient, and continue to show positive change and growth.

You are quite young. I would do everything possible to show that you are growing up, taking on the responsibilities of being an adult, and giving up selfish ways.

My advice, don't continually press her for her thoughts. Be glad she let you share yours.

Tough as it may be, you have to resist the temptation to act out when things don't go the way you would like. Focus on what you can do, and not the response of your actions. Sooner or later good things will come, after all, good trees bear good fruit.

Frozen I wrote this letter being true, I didnt ask her to take me back or ask her to do anything in it. I didnt ask anything like that. The letter was true straight from my heart and she felt that.

Onmyway- yes she says she loves me but is not in love with me anymore, she says its not the same. Yeah im praying to god to help me be patient and let him take over my will.

As far as me changing, Ive started going to church every wednesday and every sunday. Go to counseling every week and have read a few books, and have a bible with me all the time and read it every chance I get. I dont go out and do things that get me in trouble anymore, im not sure what else I can do to prove to her? She says shes glad I do these things for myself, without her.


Last night when she told me she wanted a D and shes not changing her mind and nothing or no one can, she showed 0 emotion and was just plain. Today she talked me online through her phone and was just asking me why this why that, and bringing up all these bad things again like she has been recently. Im telling you all of this to show how shes acting.

I know I need to be working on myself to change me and for her to see my changes.

Zach:

This will probably be a tough thing to hear, but at this point, you need to realize what success and failure will be.

Do not define success as staying married to your wife.

Define success as you learning to be a loving, responsible, faithful husband, whether or not she stays with you.

If you let this experience fill you with anger and regret, you will lose whether or not she stays with you.

Do your best to act honorably whatever circumstance may appear, and be courteous to her and her family UNDER all circumstances. If you need to vent, do so here.

In the meantime, Christmas is coming. Do you exchange gifts? If so, why not work on something that would be extremely meaningful, not necessarily expensive, but something that takes work.

Best wishes,

OnMyWayHome- Your right the overall battle right now is with me and me only.

What is going to be tough is her Bday is on the 18th, and then Christmas. I had something I wanted to get her but she said she doesnt want a give a to save my money. I know she isnt going to get me one. I think thats why she doesnt want me to her get one cause it will make her feel guilty she didnt.

Zach:

Of course she will say that. Since her objection is financial, find something this is low cost, very thoughtful. Did she have a favorite toy as a child that got lost? Ebay is very reasonable.

Do you two have a favorite vacation or time? How about a photo book?

Does she have a hobby or activity she is fond of?

I recommend getting a birthday gift and Christmas gift. But make them sentimental, and expect nothing in return. Her gift to you will be letting you make her happy.

If you have no idea what she would like, pay attention to everything she says. Most people will drop hints without even thinking about it.

Good luck,

IMO, that you ignored this advice shows that this is still about YOU and what YOU want.

Im sorry, this letter wasnt just good memories, it was true and how I felt and I think she needed to know. It touched her and she wanted to hear what I wrote to her. She cried and told me thanks. I feel the letter showed her I really cared and am trying. Not in a manipulating way, but a true caring way. I didnt beg for her or anything in it, nor ask anything out of her.

Im truly sorry for writing it but I had to let her know how I felt. Im still going to write no contact letter and apology letter tomorrow.

Onmyway- Im really undecided at this point what to get her. She has almost all of our pictures at her place. I dont really know of any toys she played with when she was younger. Im not sure at the moment what Im going to get her.

Good Morning.

Anyone around this morning?

All you did was give her another ride on the emotional roller coaster from he((. We BS's ride this horrible ride and at times want to vomit...some of us do. You think you gave her a good ride with good memories, but later she will crash and you won't even see it. She didn't "need to know" what was in this letter. She already knows. She was there, remember? What she needs to know is the rest of the truth of her life with you...your secrets.

You reminded her of those "good" memories not because you wanted to show you really cared and am trying. If you really cared, you would do the things we have told you to do.

Instead, you wasted yet another day to do what makes YOU feel better. You even said that writing the letter made you feel better, so MAYBE it will make her feel better, too.

Who do you think knows what will make a BS feel better? You, a WAYWARD, or me, a BETRAYED WIFE. You are still covering your buns. You don't want to look at all the ways you have hurt her because it won't make YOU FEEL good.

What you need to be doing right now isn't making yourself feel good or even making your BW feel good. It should be to do the right thing, which means closing the doors that you keep leaving open for OW and apologizing and making amends and just compensation. A lot of what you need to be doing isn't going to make her FEEL GOOD. A lot of it is going to hurt like crazy. But it is good and right to do the things I have told you to do.

Zach, it is obvious to me that you are no where near broken and remorseful. You are not yet owning what you have done and taking actions to make amends to your wife (regardless of the outcome). You are still trying to find ways to manipulate her. Yes, that is why you gave her the letter. You wanted to make her feel a certain way...that is manipulating. You were hoping for a certain outcome...to make her feel a certain way...feel "good" about your past together. Zach, your past together is horrid. Face that now and do the right thing by this woman.

I have put in a lot of time posting to you. I have no idea why. I will not waste any further time on this thread. My time is valuable. You have done absolutely NOTHING I have told you to do. You have done whatever you want to do. I am not at a stage where I can be patient with a WS.

You have a lot of good people here trying to help you, and you ignore their help.

You talk a talk, but you refuse to walk the walk. You keep saying you will write the apology letter, you will write the NC letter, you will change your cell number. But you have done none of these things. You could get all three of these things done in one day. You could even get the letters posted here and get great feedback and rewrite them again. But instead you write a "memories" letter because it makes YOU feel good and MAY make her feel good.

This week will be over and you will still be telling us you are GOING TO write these letters and change your number and blah, blah, blah. It's all wayward babble. You are still wayward.

SexyMama- Good post, you basically said it all yourself.

Im typing letters as we speak.


I apologize

Your affairs made her cry a lot and they really touched her heart, too. Does that mean they were good for her, too?

Your thinking is still really messed up, Zach.

Well put, SMB.

Last night I did ask her if she had anything she wanted to know about what ive done in 4 years then ask me. She only had maybe 3 questions and she didnt have anything else to ask.

Zach, saying you are her best friend and actually being one are two different things.

In what ways are you being her best friend?

You are still babbling. Stop it!