Thanks committed.


I needed that smack in the face and a wake up call. Im letting go and leaving her alone.


Going to continue working on myself and becoming a better person. Please continue posting.

And how many times have we heard that one, Zach???

Only to be followed by yet another post about what your BW is doing or saying or feeling or not doing or not saying or not feeling.

PLEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSEEEE. Enough already.

Zach,

How about making some solid decisions for your life?

Without clear goals and a plan, the result will be going with the flow, floundering and making decisions based solely on emotion.

I'm all about some emotion, but emotions have no place in decision-making.

Using logic, what do you think is the wisest decision for you as far as contacting your W?

It has been my experience that making decisions based on anything other than what my current situation has been has gotten me negative results.

When you make decisions based on what you would like things to be rather than what things currently are, the choices you make aren't relevant and are therefore not helpful because they aren't rooted in reality and facts.

Zach:

I'd like to be the one to tell you that there is always hope, and there is-- for you! but at this point I think you have to accept that she has chosen to end your relationship.

I do hope she will give you a sign that she changes her mind, but until then, I think you need to lay off, and focus on fixing what you need to fix in you so that you can be in healthy relationships in the future.

Im sorry,

Thank you, its so hard to let go you know? But I dont have a choice I guess.




Btw- Happy Birthday Frozen

Got to work this morning and read over the posts from last night.

I agree with yall, im letting go and leaving her alone, its so hard but its what I have to do to have any chance with her in the future.


Using logic, what do you think is the wisest decision for you as far as contacting your W?

I guess checking up on her week to week? Im going to stop bothering the ****** out of her at times. I gues I will text her or give her a short phone call to let her know im still intrested once a week or so.

Thanks, Zach.


I recommend setting a definitive boundary with yourself regarding this decision.

If you set this limit NOW instead of playing it by ear, it's pretty likely that you'll continue doing the exact same thing when you're feeling lonely and emotional.

What's your plan? How will you stick to your guns about this when you're feeling the urge to call her?

My plan? Truthfull I guess my only thought right now is let her go, I have to learn to do that and whatever she does is her decision and she has every right to do whatever she wants with who she wants and I have no control over that.

My plan is to stay back, let her go, live my life and try to do the best I can do to benefit Zach to become a better person.

How will I stick to my guns when I feel the urge? Really im not sure how? Yesterday I saw her friend at Walmart she hangs out with and saw the guy that she dates who is friends with the OP she hangs out with (Zack). That is what got me going and so upset yesterday, he looked at me and I looked at him. It was her boyfriend, the OP of my W hangs out with them. Made me have a rough rest of the day. I was doing good till then.

Im not sure, besides I have to make myself let her go and I need to stop cause obviously it isnt working. What got me so worried about hanging on is that week I did let her go and didnt leave her alone, she didnt do nothing to contact me and that scared me, and then I found out she was talking and hanging out with someone else. Thats why Ive been so defensive onto hanging on her. I need to let her go, im seeing that.

One of my friends (girl) that went through the same thing told me by her going out with this dude would make her miss me? True? Who knows, it did in her situation. She was the BS.

You never know.

But I think she knows you are still interested. I recommend only contacting her when you have something logistical to discuss, and see if she contacts you.

ITMT, don't be afraid now to start making wise decisions when it comes to debt should the divorce go through. Both myself and my spouse made horrible decisions just to get the papers signed, and are paying for it now.

IRT to debt, avoid either extreme, using paying for all the debt as a way to win her favor or punishing her for rejecting your reconciliation. It is what it is, and divide it fairly.

Just some advice from someone that really scr###ed the pooch.

Happy Bday as well to you, Frozen. Mine was yesterday.

As for the debt, im not going after anything neither is she. We dont own a whole lot between us.


Its not about money, as far as me affording a lawyer its going to be tough :-/

Some reason my W's sister wants to talk to me today when I get off of work. I guess we will see how this goes, shes a lot older and is married with 2 kids, and her sister at first in their relationship had some rough times with abuse I think it was and about split up. My MIL gave her my number and told me she was going to call me today and talk to me. Wish me luck I guess. Its been bothering me about what shes going to say.


And like I said in a few other posts, Ive only saw/spoken to her sister once and that was at our wedding.

Thank you, omwh..happy belated birthday to you!



It might be wise to have a plan in place for moments when you're feeling lonely and weaker - something you could do INSTEAD of calling her because the incessant one-sided contact can begin to get somewhat stalker-ish.



You don't have to LEARN it. You simply have to KNOW it and then make sure that your actions support what you already know.

For example, when you hear yourself complain about the friend she has chosen that you don't like, check yourself to see if your thoughts/feelings/actions/words support the belief that she has the right to make her own decisions about her life.

Dr. Harley says (paraphrasing) that it's easier to change actions than it is to change beliefs.

Even if logically you know that she has the right to choose for herself, your actions have not been reflecting that belief. If you will change your actions, your mind will follow suit.

Did you ever do any work with that link I sent you regarding overcoming the desire to control others?

I'm curious to hear what her sister has to say to you.

Yes im very cruious to her sisters phone call, she knows I get off at 4 so we will see.


Sorry no I didnt frozen, could you repost that link, i remember when I saw it I was here at work and I cant view certain links here, so I forgot about it.

And your correct, Logically I do know that, but my actions do not show it, sometimes I let my emotions control me, its so hard not to at times when im home. I dont have any outside activities so I sit at home and worry myself to death. I dont hang around my friends anymore cause she hates them cause they supported me while I was having an affair. Not true friends.

Get some outside activities.

Wow tonight my parents asked me to go out to eat with them, they even waited for me to get off of work.

They even talked to me some and said they would like to do "family activities" some. What a suprise! My family has always been distant from me and they loved me but ive been on the short stick of my other 2 little brothers. They are realizing my pain and hurt. Found out my parents actually split up for a year and got back together! My mother had me at a young age (18) and they have been together since.


I went and gave a check to my MIL. My W's sister even said she wouldnt mind sitting us both down and talking to us. I dunno what she thinks or anything but she went through abuse in her relationship early and her husband changed and all. I guess we will see, I think shes going to call me sometime tonight.

The family activities talk, and the dinner, both good news!

Celebrate the little things in life. I used to think life was full of good times and then bad times, but the truth is, it is more like a train going on tracks, one track is good things, the other track is challenges. Seems like no matter what, we have both of those tracks at the same time.

Of course, it helps to minimize the challenges we make for ourselves, but that is part of life too, huh?

Im curious about the sister's conversation. Should be insightful for you.

Good Morning....Off to Church



Havent heard anything from the W.



Im doing ok




Nothing from the sister but MIL yesterday said she was going to call me and possibly sit down with both of us and talk? Not sure if thats good or bad talk, I hope her intentions are for us to work this out rather than tell me how stupid I am. Wife stayed with sister last night I believe.


But anyway, ill keep yall updated.

Talked to the MIL this morning she said her sister was going to call me around lunch and sit and talk just me and her, then me,her and the W.


Out of nowhere just now my W texts me and starts provoking an argument. Then made a comment about the OM that I said like a week ago out of nowhere.

Out of nowhere she attacks me and takes up for this dude and wouldnt stop!


I finally just told her to go be happy with him.


She said ok


Ive been doing fine till this point.