i see what you are saying... but i know how raw all of this still is...

give it a few days ok? really... i know how hard it is. i wanted answers like yesterday. and once i had some cool down time and we actually emailed each other a few times, i did get some of my answers. but it took lots of time and lots of cool down time.

hugs, hugs, hugs
i have shed all of the tears you are shedding and then some..

mlhb

how are you doing today surviving??

mlhb

SIHW;

I understand too the whole "wanting answers" thing.

BUT (big BUT here)....he is NOT the one to give you answers.
You will get nothing from garbage and justifications from him.

Just DON'T take your worth, your value, your esteem from someone who only has HIS interests and HIS agenga in mind, SIHW!!!

Any "answers" he could give you would only be to alleviate his guilt, his bad behavior -- to justify what he did.

You probably feel used, manipulated, lied to, tricked, etc.
And nobody wants to feel that way. So you want him to make you feel like none of that is true. But the fact is, ALL of that IS probably true. Trust your own instincts on this.

Find your answers YOURSELF. You already KNOW.

slept a bit better last night *the martini for a night cap helped it was interesting...never had a caramel apple martini before*

I am sure I will cool down now that I have released what I had bottled up for a long time.....trust me I have always been able to wear a mask when confronted with things...xh could never figure me out. When it comes down to it I will be able to handle the situation.....I have had a sneaking hunch after a few mentions from friends.....the detective in me is piecing somethings together....I will let you know when I eventually find out. For now I am going out with the boys tonight. can't sit around...chocolate and ice cream therapy does my thighs no good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

this is an understatement.

Was doin good but you know how there is always a trigger....I heard this song today and it is exactly everything I am feeling....

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

Can anyone name that tune......

oh yes, rascal flats...

not a good song..
has brought a tear or two to my eye as well before.

mlhb

I prefer this one from Rascal Flatts

Stand

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright
You'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand
Then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand (then you stand)
Yea, then you stand (then you stand)

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place, yea
Ooohhh

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand (then you stand)
Then you stand (then you stand)
Yea, then you stand (then you stand)
Yea (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Then you stand

LORD LOOK AT MY HOROSCOPE FOR TOMMORROW......


Your greatest strength is your ability to hold on to a feeling that's important to you. This can be the basis for an enduring love, especially if you are feeling frustrated about not reaching a goal. Don't waste energy being self-judgmental; rest assured that your persistence will bring success in due time.

sorry i missed your call last night. i am fighting a bad cold/allergy thingy and was strung out on cold medicine LOL and sound asleep very early...

mlhb

you drug addict you :P....it's ok I can forgive this once...haha

last nights recap:

well the guys were pooped and didnt want to drive to monterey.......i ended up falling asleep on my best friends hotel bed while she was finishing up a business meeting.....had a HORRIBLE dream (well the dream wasn't bad waking up and it not being real sucked)....made me sad....

my friend came back and she and I changed and met her bosses who are cool people...we all walked down town...by then the line for my usual hang out was long....they wanted to go to a different bar one were there are a lot of older creepy guys...who sit around and stare at you...I hate that bar....said no I will stay here the manager will let just me in....they continued on....the manager let me in (VIP baby)...I went in

most of my friends who were at the DLI have graduated and moved so didn't know too many people there but I did see a few I knew....I just really wasn't feeling it last night....I love to dance (I am a hip hop dancer) but it took a long time to get me motivated......

I got a text from my friend (who by this time was drunk)...she kept texting me to get them in but they wern't at the bar I was at and I couldn't get a comperhensive text from her....eventually I left a friend drove me back to the hotel and he dropped me off so i didn't have to walk by myself.

I called my friend....she couldn't answer me because she was drunk so I thought damn I better walk back and make sure she gets back here ok......on my way back she was staggering up the street with a guy she knows who is in town for the conferences for their work.....she gave me a dirty look...I knew what she was going to do with him....but I said what? and she just gave me the snottiest offensive reply...WTF?

I don't even remember what she said but I was so offended....I said whoa....and even the guy noticed.....they continued on and she was like goodnight...I said well i have to get mystuff from the room and she acted like it was the end of the world.....so I got ticked and decided I needed a jog...and ran past them and back to the hotel....got to the room gathered my stuff...by now I was upset....left the key card on the bed....got in my truck and went to the gas station across the street.

while there I could see my friend sitting on a curb and the guy trying to get her to stand and walk as a police officer was doing a traffic stop not 100 yards from where they were.....I wanted to go and stand her up and make her walk before she was dragged off for drunk in public charges.....she is my best friend....but he got her up and walking.

I left and drove all the way home....in the car I just started thinking about a million things and how things have been so screwed up lately.....and just started bawling....made it home washed my face and went to bed. Got up called xh to see where my son was....they hadn't left yet he wanted me to pick him up I said no I will be late for work you can take him to the babysitters and gave him the directions....I told him to drop him off earlier....he still doesn't listen.

Forgot my cell in the car...when I checked it this morning my friend had called me 5 times.....I haven't called her back....figured she would call me eventually at work. she usually does. I am depressed I know it. I am fighting to get out of it.....some times I am good and others I just have to cry....

**bangs head against the wall** trigger triggers fricken triggers I am hating them today.

I can't do this today I have a really important interview......I need eye depuffer cream....*goes to find some*

well here I am...not really caring anymore....didn't want to get out of bed this weekend....and when I was forced to because people kept knocking on my door and my nephew coming in unannounced to get the clothes he should have gotten the day before.....I really didn't feel like being there around everybody...even though it was someones birthday......I ended up locking my door and just crying with my best friend on the phone. I know everyone thinks I am silly and over reacting....maybe even crazy.....one thing I can tell you is when I fall I fall hard....even tho he didn't cheat he did something far worse.....he lifted me up and gave me hope just to watch me fall......It felt like he reached his hand out and took me to heaven and gave me wings......and without warning....they were ripped off and I was thrown into H3ll. Now the grief and despair I feel....is so huge....my heart has been broken so many times....I didn't need this. I want this pain to stop....it affects me in everything I do.....I am a caring person....but when I don't care anymore...I know something is wrong.

cliche as it is, it is just going to take time to heal. you trusted what he said and gave of yourself completely to him in a very short period of time. i think you have learned that you won't do that again. but time frames really do not matter that much. in my situation, over 5 months before deciding to date exclusively and than almost a year together after that and it still did not work out. so, you just can't predict these things. you trust and you give and see what happens. because the alternative is not trust or give at all to anyone and live a very lonely existence. love is a chance you take. and sometimes it works, and sometimes it hurts.

do i hurt over the ending of my relationship? well i think you all know i do. BUT, i would not go back and not do it all just to avoid this hurt. i got to feel real love again. i got to have for the most part, a great year with someone. it shows me that i can do this. i could just lock myself in my house and not love ever again so i could avoid any pain. but that is not living.

i spent far too long and far too much of my life being numb. at least when i allow myself to feel things i know i am alive. and i know i am human. dating this guy was not a mistake, maybe falling too quickly was. but you will learn from that. and pay attention to one's history. like it or not, it does tend to repeat itself as you have learned. do i think dating gekko was a mistake? no way! he made me want to be a better person. i feel he brought the best out in me in many ways. and that continues now even though we are not together any more. you said you bf encouraged you to go back to church, etc... so he did help you to be a better person. don't let that stop just because you aren't together anymore. everything, i am a firm believer, everything is for a reason. we may not see it now, but we will sometime.

i think what you are feeling is normal.

mlhb

Thankyou MLHB.....you have been a wonderful comfort....why does it seem longer than it actually has been......I am so tired too I fell asleep in the recliner last night.....yes like an old man in front of the TV....I don't even remember Heros...I am turning into my dad....which is sad.

Let yourself grieve. Take care of yourself. You are human and you deserve to feel - both good and bad.

I hope the interview went well.

ehh interview didn't go well as I had hoped...I had a hard time concentrating....the sad part of it is.....he and I wern't apart....MLHB and I had this convo last night....unlik her situation....he and I were here and went places all over town...so part of my problem is every where I go I keep seeing memeories.....After my interview I went to the beach where we would spend time....it used to be a comfort for me....but all I could do was cry. I can't go to my favorite hang outs anymore.....not because I have fear that he will be there....but because of the memories.

crazy dreams last night....I was with a partner (XB) in a police car...we were chasing a old studabaker(like from the 1940's) with tinted windows...we were trying to shoot out the window (miami vice style) but the window wasn't down enough.....not sure what it means...any takers?

i think you need to stop smoking crack before you go to bed at night.



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

mlhb

ooooohhhhh burn......someone is fiesty today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />