This is my first post ever on MB. I am looking for guidance. I am the WS (pre-marriage). I am disgusted at my self and want to know if there is any chance my husband will return and if our marriage has ANY hope... Here is my story.

We started dating at 14/15 years old. He was my only real relationship. I was faithful all through HS and college. He cheated on me multiple times, but never really admitted it, I loved him and we stayed together. I then went on to law school and we got engaged (ages 21/22). He was a good fiance but not great. I had some doubts still. I heard from a friend that he was cheating on me ... my good self ended. I cheated on him. I has an affair for about 4 months, I then started an affair with someone else. My husband (fiance at the time) found out. I didnt tell him the details. I just said that it was a 1 night stand type thing. I moved out of our house. I continued the 2nd affair. It was not emotional. Thinking back it was a spite thing, a control thing. I never dealt with the pain he caused me when we were younger and I was taking it out on him. Well, after about 2 months I came back home. I basically ended the affairs but still had contact with both guys. We set another wedding date. The wedding got closer and then-fiance was still questionable. I cheated again (same guy as before). I cheated 2 months before our wedding.

We got married. He always asked me about my affairs and I always lied. I knew it was wrong and I knew it was digusting and hurtful. I finally regretted it. The "spite" wasnt worth the regret I felt. I kept lying.

Now... 2 years into our marriage, a 1 year old daughter (12 total years in our relationship) the truth comes out. I admitted everything. It came our because he was looking at phone records and saw that 1 guy I still contacted after our marriage (w/in the first 4 months, but not in the last year). The contact was ONLY phone contact ... he was callimg me for legal advice. Stupidly I accepted the calls and we chatted a few times.

HUsband now knows EVERYTHING about my pre-marital affairs. He now questions if they ever ended. He says he is hurt and disgusted and although he knew I had 2 affairs it is worse than he thought. Meanwhile ... he too has cheated and has yet to fully tell me the details of that. NOnetheless, I think his cheating were more 1 nighters versus long term.

The day after I told him (18 days ago) he packed his stuff. He now lives with his friend. He has a new address, has decorated his house, got cable. He still has a key here, still pays for our bills.

He tells me he loves me. Tells me he wants to be with me and that his life is so much better with me. But, he can never trust me and therefore he can never be with me again. He says it is over. He doesnt want to try. Doesnt want counseling. Just wants to "be friends"

Is there anyway we can work?! Its been 18 days. Each time he comes over to see our child he runs within 20 minutes. He keeps saying he misses us. Because he questions me post marriage we got a DNA test ... there is NO possibility she is anyone other than his, because I have NOT cheated after our marriage. The results come in in 14-21 days. Then he has proof at least of that.

COuld he just be "Reacting" right now? Is it possible for the hurt spouse to want a divorce and not want to try and then change his/her mind?

Please, there is no need to tell me how wrong and disgusting I was ... I know that. I just want to know what I can do for this man that I love to ease his pain and hopefully get him back ....

Thank you for reading all of this.

Purchase "his needs/her needs", and "surviving an affair", both by the founder of this site, Dr. Willard Harley. Read them like the future of your marriage depends on it!

In the mean time, change any of your personal habits/actions that are not conducive to a healthy marriage, eliminate Love Buster's from your interactions with your H.

Write letters of No Contact to any of your former lovers that you've had contact with in the past year. You can find representative copies here in the forums by using the search feature. Show these letters to your H for his approval, then allow HIM to mail them. Then remove all contact information from your records and do not ever contact any of them again.

Study Plan A, which is all about you making yourself as attractive to you H as possible.

In the mean time, I strongly recommend you call the Harley's (# can be found from the home page) and first schedule an appointment for yourself, and then follow the Harley's lead in getting you H involved with some couples counseling.

You two have lead lives of complete self-entitlement, and are completely missing one of the cardinal rules of marriage...putting the other before yourself!

You have a lot of crumbling rocks in your marital foundation, and need to start work from the ground up.

Best wishes,
SD

That is alot, and yes its possible that he could be reacting now, but I am not convinced that this is why he left. Is it possible that H left you because H has someone else?

Hi Lost,



Hmmmm... Sounds like he has the perfect set-up to keep you as his W while he sets up "house". His righteous indignation at your pre-marriage A's seem a little over the top considering HIS pre-marriage actions.

I agree with DF, you might want to do some snooping and see what your H is up to...

Semper Fi,

RIF