Hey everyone. Need some help, I have been reading and learning from this site a little over a month (which has been a Godsend) and have finally gathered enough courage to post my journey. I want my marriage to be rebuilt. I just feel like I have been making wrong decisions ever since finding about my husband affair. We had been married a little over a year before D-day and do not have any children.

Here's My Story

WS started having an affair in June of this year. I became suspicious about a month into it after he started becoming distant and comparing me to other people. I snooped around and found call logs, emails and text messages sent between him and the tramp. D-Day June28th. I asked WS about her, said that she was just a friend from work, who was going through some serious issues in her life. Real ironic. I decided to contact her, and I exposed, exposed and exposed the affair to family and friends which made him terribly upset and outraged. WS quit his job and we tried to work on our marriage, we went to counseling but WS was so indecisive about putting forth effort to rebuild and refused to talk about OW and affair, he only defended her when ever she was brought up. Also turns out marriage counselor is friends with WS's father, such a coincidence I know. FIL has a long, long, long history of infidelity and has refused to even address the subject with my husband. WS would admit the affair to me and be apologetic but denies it to everyone else. All of this was extremely hard for me, I did a great job at LB-ing with angry outbursts and I felt like I was literally going crazy. WS refused to stop acting like a victim and maintained contact with OW on and off, and basically turned into a compulsive liar.

WS started fog talking about a divorce and went back and forth about it. I begged him to put forth effort but he was long gone in his fantasy world. WS refused to leave our home after breaking NC several times and he had started to get violent and show signs of extreme rage. After about three months of putting up with the madness I left our home . I moved out of state for family reasons at the end of Sept, that’s when I came across this wonderful site. I realize now that I should have stayed in the same city since staying in the house together with him was not an option. I began Plan B and WS came out his fog Oct 17th, or at least I thought. He contacted me and begged me to come home, was very open about the affair and seemed willing to rebuild, even started reading SSA. We have been communicating very well ever since and have made plans for me to come home and get proper marriage counseling and anger management for him. Sounds good? Not exactly!

Here's my issue a few days ago my husband started becoming distant again, started defending OW and became closed about being transparent. I know that he has started seeing OW again. I have the urge to contact her and tell her to get lost and then go on back to plan B. Is that a good idea??? He has shared with me just how manipulative she is I want to let her know that I am still in the picture. I don't know how to go back into Plan B either. WS and I has a huge disagreement yesterday and I don't know what to do?


PLEASE HELP!!! I'm falling apart and so is my marriage!!!

Ask him to tell you why he is changing and let him know his changes are scaring you.

Let him explain....don't wonder.

L.

Often when the WS says they want to get back together and work on the marriage, the BS is so happy they go back right away before setting up the necessary boundaries. (things that are required for recovery.)

It looks like you two need a recovery plan. Orchid's comments are very valid. Please expand Orchid - I think she needs the more detailed version.

Or you (meaning Goodness) can go to the Reverse bable link in Orchids sig line and read more. That should help.

Recovery is often more difficult than getting the WS to quit the A is. It doesn't just happen any more than any other major success in life just happens. For the best chance of success, you need a plan.

Have you considered calling the Harley's for counseling?

Please give us more background. You have been married about a year. How long did you date? How old are you, and have either of you been in previous committed relationships?

I see you have been reading on the site for about a month. Have you seen the four rules for successful recovery/marriage? If you have, will you comment on how you two have been doing compared to the things Dr Harley suggests.

A's are always a concern, but your H fell into an A as a newly wed - during the so called "honeymoon" period. This adds to my concern. Were there any things that indicated to you that there were problems during the time he started?

Also - how are you doing? Are you making it OK from day to day?

SS

My standard advice to ANYONE who is cheated on while dating, engaged or early in a marriage if there are no children involved, is to cut them loose immediately without looking back...no matter what the cheater says or does. Feel fortunate that there are no children.

If you buy a car and the engine blows on the way home from the lot, would you have the engine rebuilt and hope for the best? No, you'd return it to the lot and find a different car.

It's not easy to hear, and it's easy for an outsider to say, but if you're being cheated on already, I really don't see any long-term hope. Even if he never cheats again, you'll always wonder IF for the rest of your life.

Thanks for the reply Orchid.

To clarify our disagreement yesterday was about his distance and changing . We were discussing me returning home. Initially he wanted me back ASAP. I let him know that I was not going to come back until boundaries were clearly established.

*NC
*Transparency
*Anger Management
*Openness about the affair

He was ok with following boundaries initially (as of OCT 17th) and then became distant on Friday, I didn't mention anything about it to him then thought I was paranoid and decided to give him a few days. I let him know without LB-ing yesterday, that I was worried about the distance between us and wanted to make sure that he was OK with the direction that we were going with us. He let me know that right now he wasn't ok with being open about what he does day to day but would be when I returned (which I don’t believe). He then let me know that he no longer wanted me to come back ASAP but in a few weeks (very bothersome and does not make sense to me). I told him that I needed reassurance about OW and he exploded. I did have access to his cell phone records and now he has changed the password on the account. He began defending her again and saying that she has nothing to do with us. In order to avoid saying the wrong thing I didn't say much. I'm very discouraged right now I know the OW is back in the picture and don’t know how to transition back into Plan B without love busting!!!

Still Seeking, thanks as well. We dated 4 years. We are both 27. Having trouble opening Orchids "reverse babble". I will consider calling Harley if I can muster up enough strength. There weren't any huge issues that either of noticed before D-day. Since then we both realize WS needed more admiration. He a real soft guy (mammas boy) in the middle but puts on the HUGE macho exterior, just to prove how manly he is. EXTREMLY sensitive to acknowledgement and encouragement. He was a star athlete in college and used to a lot of attention, didn’t really have to ask for it. As far as how I'm doing now I'm one million percent better than I was at first. Went through the weight loss, loss of apatite and zombie mode unfortunately. Much better now although I'm running on empty. Since D-day his family has been very supportive of me, especially his mother. She has been the biggest blessing for me. He still holds animosity towards the closeness that has become of her and I.

Krazy71, I understand where you are coming from and I constantly go back and forth about cutting my losses and just walking away with my head up but I am still in love with him. I value marriage and am very disheartened by the whole situation at the same time. Just need advice and I do value what you have said.

When u r in plan B, love busting isn't a worry.... you will bust but it won't be love busting because you don't really love the WS, right? You love your H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As for the link, I reported it as a problem. Will let you know when it is fixed.

take care,
L.

Oct 17th, or at least I thought. He contacted me and begged me to come home, was very open about the affair and seemed willing to rebuild, even started reading SSA. We have been communicating very well ever since and have made plans for me to come home and get proper marriage counseling and anger management for him. Sounds good? Not exactly

not exactly is correct.

do not go back until he establishes and has some anger manangement classes under his belt...

any thing else would futile...

ignore his words....watch for actions...
if he is serious about fixing this he should be doing the work..period....

take care

ark

To clarify our disagreement yesterday was about his distance and changing . We were discussing me returning home. Initially he wanted me back ASAP. I let him know that I was not going to come back until boundaries were clearly established.

I think you did the right thing. Of course you know that this isn't a sure thing. We want to increase your chances, but it depends on the decisions he makes. Someone who goes back with no boundaries doesn't have much. I think it's better to hold out for the real thing. You must think the same.


*NC
*Transparency
*Anger Management
*Openness about the affair

These are good, but Harley defines his four a little differently. I say this not because I think you are wrong, but because you may want to read what Harley says, and add his requirements to your recovery effort.

Rules for successful recovery


He was ok with following boundaries initially (as of OCT 17th) and then became distant on Friday, I didn't mention anything about it to him then thought I was paranoid and decided to give him a few days. I let him know without LB-ing yesterday, that I was worried about the distance between us and wanted to make sure that he was OK with the direction that we were going with us. He let me know that right now he wasn't ok with being open about what he does day to day but would be when I returned (which I don’t believe).

This would be a great trick for lots of things - how about this scenario on a rental property -
"I know you need to check my references, but wait until after I move in, and then check them, don't check before I sign the lease, and move all my stuff in."

"Well, I realize I need a top security clearance to work here, but why don't you let me start the job with out the clearances, and then I'll get them after I start."

Yes, I can see how that would work in the real world.

NOT!!

He then let me know that he no longer wanted me to come back ASAP but in a few weeks (very bothersome and does not make sense to me). I told him that I needed reassurance about OW and he exploded.

Anger here is just a means to get you off his case, and change the subject from his behavior, to something else. It's a smoke screen so he can avoid the truth.

I did have access to his cell phone records and now he has changed the password on the account. He began defending her again and saying that she has nothing to do with us. In order to avoid saying the wrong thing I didn't say much. I'm very discouraged right now I know the OW is back in the picture and don’t know how to transition back into Plan B without love busting!!!

I think you would do well to call the Harley's for counseling. We'll help as much as we can, but your best chance for recovery is with a good solid plan.

As far as going back to plan B - Did you do a good solid plan A first? They are labeled plans A, and B because of the order they are to be completed in.

Plan A establishes your good side to him, and tries to get him to end the A.
Plan B removes you from meeting his needs, and makes the OP meet them all, while preserving your love for him.

Steve and or Jenifer Harley are good at assessing where you are, and where you need to be.

Still Seeking, thanks as well. We dated 4 years. We are both 27.

Thanks for a little more background. It helps me to better know how to advise you. You sound like you have a level head on your shoulders. I think you have a really good chance of making this work. if you dated for four years, you should have a good idea of what makes him tick. I think you would know him well enough to know what you want. I commend you for wanting to do the work. Keep in mind that your options are still open to you. He is free to make choices, but you are too, and that won't change in a month, or three months - you will still have the choice to walk away if he won't make the changes needed.


I will consider calling Harley if I can muster up enough strength.

That is a telling statement. This must be taking a huge toll on you. You sound like someone who is really on the ball. I would guess this has been more difficult than the tone of your posts may suggest. I hope you are getting enough sleep, and that you feel OK from day to day. Don't be afraid to see your Doc for anti Depressants if you feel down for long periods of time. Part of plan A is taking good care of yourself. You want to make yourself more attractive than the OW, and you need to be in good health to do that.


There weren't any huge issues that either of noticed before D-day. Since then we both realize WS needed more admiration. He a real soft guy (mammas boy) in the middle but puts on the HUGE macho exterior, just to prove how manly he is. EXTREMLY sensitive to acknowledgement and encouragement. He was a star athlete in college and used to a lot of attention, didn’t really have to ask for it.

Brings back the words of an old Carly Simon song -
"You're a legend in your own time......"
However, I think the refrain is
"But the legend's just a lonely boy when he goes home alone."
Remember, even though he is doing things wrong, he still has feelings, and if you know what he is feeling, and thinking, and can work with it, your chance of success goes way up.

As far as how I'm doing now I'm one million percent better than I was at first. Went through the weight loss, loss of apatite and zombie mode unfortunately. Much better now although I'm running on empty.

One of the reasons you make the plan, is that when you are running on empty, it's easy to want to quit. When you make your plan, you do a time line too. Then if you want to quit you can say "I need to be in plan A for just three more weeks, I think I can make it that long."

BTW, Please forgive me for just going on with the normal talk about what to do, and how to do it. Running on empty is not a fun place, to be, and I am sorry you have to be there. Still, I would say from the way you post that you still have a lot of reserves, and that you can do what is needed. Just realize that we care - even if we can't help much directly to help make things better.

Since D-day his family has been very supportive of me, especially his mother. She has been the biggest blessing for me. He still holds animosity towards the closeness that has become of her and I.

This is good, and it's just too bad for him. If he complains , say this in your best "Poor baby" voice.
"Ooooo, I feel so bad that it bothers you that your mother and I get along so well. You poooooor thing. Maybe she and I can have an argument every couple of years or so, just so you won't feel so bad." Then laugh and walk away.


Tell us how how you are - we care.

SS