To clarify our disagreement yesterday was about his distance and changing . We were discussing me returning home. Initially he wanted me back ASAP. I let him know that I was not going to come back until boundaries were clearly established. I think you did the right thing. Of course you know that this isn't a sure thing. We want to increase your chances, but it depends on the decisions he makes. Someone who goes back with no boundaries doesn't have much. I think it's better to hold out for the real thing. You must think the same.
*NC
*Transparency
*Anger Management
*Openness about the affair These are good, but Harley defines his four a little differently. I say this not because I think you are wrong, but because you may want to read what Harley says, and add his requirements to your recovery effort.
Rules for successful recovery He was ok with following boundaries initially (as of OCT 17th) and then became distant on Friday, I didn't mention anything about it to him then thought I was paranoid and decided to give him a few days. I let him know without LB-ing yesterday, that I was worried about the distance between us and wanted to make sure that he was OK with the direction that we were going with us. He let me know that right now he wasn't ok with being open about what he does day to day but would be when I returned (which I don’t believe). This would be a great trick for lots of things - how about this scenario on a rental property -
"I know you need to check my references, but wait until after I move in, and then check them, don't check before I sign the lease, and move all my stuff in."
"Well, I realize I need a top security clearance to work here, but why don't you let me start the job with out the clearances, and then I'll get them after I start."
Yes, I can see how that would work in the real world.
NOT!!
He then let me know that he no longer wanted me to come back ASAP but in a few weeks (very bothersome and does not make sense to me). I told him that I needed reassurance about OW and he exploded. Anger here is just a means to get you off his case, and change the subject from his behavior, to something else. It's a smoke screen so he can avoid the truth.
I did have access to his cell phone records and now he has changed the password on the account. He began defending her again and saying that she has nothing to do with us. In order to avoid saying the wrong thing I didn't say much. I'm very discouraged right now I know the OW is back in the picture and don’t know how to transition back into Plan B without love busting!!! I think you would do well to call the Harley's for counseling. We'll help as much as we can, but your best chance for recovery is with a good solid plan.
As far as going back to plan B - Did you do a good solid plan A first? They are labeled plans A, and B because of the order they are to be completed in.
Plan A establishes your good side to him, and tries to get him to end the A.
Plan B removes you from meeting his needs, and makes the OP meet them all, while preserving your love for him.
Steve and or Jenifer Harley are good at assessing where you are, and where you need to be.
Still Seeking, thanks as well. We dated 4 years. We are both 27. Thanks for a little more background. It helps me to better know how to advise you. You sound like you have a level head on your shoulders. I think you have a really good chance of making this work. if you dated for four years, you should have a good idea of what makes him tick. I think you would know him well enough to know what you want. I commend you for wanting to do the work. Keep in mind that your options are still open to you. He is free to make choices, but you are too, and that won't change in a month, or three months - you will still have the choice to walk away if he won't make the changes needed.
I will consider calling Harley if I can muster up enough strength.That is a telling statement. This must be taking a huge toll on you. You sound like someone who is really on the ball. I would guess this has been more difficult than the tone of your posts may suggest. I hope you are getting enough sleep, and that you feel OK from day to day. Don't be afraid to see your Doc for anti Depressants if you feel down for long periods of time. Part of plan A is taking good care of yourself. You want to make yourself more attractive than the OW, and you need to be in good health to do that.
There weren't any huge issues that either of noticed before D-day. Since then we both realize WS needed more admiration. He a real soft guy (mammas boy) in the middle but puts on the HUGE macho exterior, just to prove how manly he is. EXTREMLY sensitive to acknowledgement and encouragement. He was a star athlete in college and used to a lot of attention, didn’t really have to ask for it. Brings back the words of an old Carly Simon song -
"You're a legend in your own time......"
However, I think the refrain is
"But the legend's just a lonely boy when he goes home alone."
Remember, even though he is doing things wrong, he still has feelings, and if you know what he is feeling, and thinking, and can work with it, your chance of success goes way up.
As far as how I'm doing now I'm one million percent better than I was at first. Went through the weight loss, loss of apatite and zombie mode unfortunately. Much better now although I'm running on empty. One of the reasons you make the plan, is that when you are running on empty, it's easy to want to quit. When you make your plan, you do a time line too. Then if you want to quit you can say "I need to be in plan A for just three more weeks, I think I can make it that long."
BTW, Please forgive me for just going on with the normal talk about what to do, and how to do it. Running on empty is not a fun place, to be, and I am sorry you have to be there. Still, I would say from the way you post that you still have a lot of reserves, and that you can do what is needed. Just realize that we care - even if we can't help much directly to help make things better.
Since D-day his family has been very supportive of me, especially his mother. She has been the biggest blessing for me. He still holds animosity towards the closeness that has become of her and I. This is good, and it's just too bad for him. If he complains , say this in your best "Poor baby" voice.
"Ooooo, I feel so bad that it bothers you that your mother and I get along so well. You poooooor thing. Maybe she and I can have an argument every couple of years or so, just so you won't feel so bad." Then laugh and walk away.
Tell us how how you are - we care.
SS
