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Jean36 Offline OP
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The divorce is final, the kids are OK, life is moving on. The thing that troubles me the most is ExWH's constant anger and nastiness to me. I guess I have just been very sheltered (or I just don't get out much), but I don't think anyone in the world has ever held me with such disdain.

I look back on all the relationships I have had, both casual and serious and there is not one man that I dated that I wouldn't be able to have a conversation with these days, or even sit and have lunch. I am just not used to having someone in the world hate me like this.

Why does he hate me-you ask? I don't know, your guess is as good as mine. I don't deal with him much at all. He lets me know what he is going to do as far as the kids and money (all via text message, he rarely speaks to me). I don't argue with him. He is in contempt on 6 points in the divorce agreement, I don't fuss, I just ask that he stop slamming my door and squealing out of my driveway.

I couldn't be more "off his back" no matter what I did. The kids constantly tell me how he complains about me, just saying unprovoked nasty things. The last thing was that it is my fault he hasn't had a date in four months. They come home and tell me that Daddy called me the B word, used the F word, the D work, oh, and don't forget the finger mommy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I haven't said 2 sentences to him in 2 months.

I know I can't change him, but how to I change my way of thinking so that it doesn't bother me so much?

With Christmas coming up, I would like to be able to at least coordinate what we are getting the kids.

Maybe this is all his plan, when his CS checked bounced, I haven't tried to cash it again nor have I called him about it. No matter what [censored] thing he does, he knows I will not confront him about it as I am just tired of dealing with his irrational anger at me.

Any tips on how not to care anymore?


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story
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Maybe you are too nice. It sounds like he doesn't respect you. I would insist on civil treatment. I would also hold him to the terms of the divorce, and CASH that check.

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""Maybe you are too nice. It sounds like he doesn't respect you. I would insist on civil treatment. I would also hold him to the terms of the divorce, and CASH that check!""

Amen!!! I totally agree with 'believer' on this.

I have the same issues with my ex- and he is even REMARRIED and still tries to control me ( I too am remarried for a year now- and divorced for almost 3) Some guys are justt total A$$es- no matter what- nand it's so much easier for them to blame US than it is for them to accept any responsibility for their own actions and screwups!


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
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He is angry because he is a WS and you are not longer a BS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

3rd vote to: CASH the CHECK!

L.

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Jean36 Offline OP
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Oh, don't worry, I will deposit the check, it just seems functional to be able to call him to let him know there is a problem with his accounting and make sure it is good. I am sure he will just get angrier if he keeps racking up bad check charges, somehow that will be all my fault too.


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story
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you are being a doormat and he is taking advantage of it. Show him that ANY acting out will result in him getting his hand slapped or worse. If he is speaking ill of you in front of the kids, he is acting in a manner that is a danger to their emotional well being. I would speak to your attorney about this as well as any other area that he is not living up to his obligations.

Here is a way to start this ball rolling. Since his check bounced, I think you would do well to have his wages garnished. This would remove you from the loop in terms of dealing with him directly regarding CS payments.
In addition...ANY and I mean anything that he is NOT living up to needs to be handled immediately.

4myself...it has nothing to do with gender. some of the biggest a-holes to ever hit these boards were women. Bottom line is...they all lack character and need to be treated in a fashion that says...I will never tolerate this behavior again. Then hold their feet to the fire.


Jean, I think his anger comes from his hatred of himself. Imagine the accounting he must be doing in his life right now....he is looking at where his life has gone off track and if he doesn't blame you...well then, he knows he is at fault. Most WS have a hard time taking any responsibility for their actions until they are truly broken...some never reach that point.

My ex was angry at me for the longest time. when she started looking at her finances, lack of involvement with my son and me...and just the general change int he feel for her life, she looked for someone to blame. I was the easy target. I was right there in front of her. She didn't need a mirror to see me. It was only when the mirror was held to her face by her son and parents did the full extent of what SHE had done hit its mark. No longer is she angry at anyone other than herself.

I suspect that your H is in much the same place as she was before finally taking responsibility.

Be firm...be consistent...and never let him get away with anything. Teach him how to treat you. It will be a great gift to your children, him and YOU.

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Sorry Jean, I don't have any ideas to help you, but I wanted to let you know that I know exactly what you are dealing with...the irrational anger.

I don't know the details of your story...whether you were the one who initiated the divorce...but I am not even the divorce initiator, and I am still on the receiving end of constant and totally irrational anger. This is from the same person that asked me to renew our vows earlier this year, and was referring to me as her hero as late as April of this year.

I will give my STBXWW some credit in that I don't believe that she would badmouth me in front of the children, but dealing with the constant anger is totally draining, especially when she was the one who chose to break up the family.

It is tough not to get baited into the anger trap by your Ex, but try to stay out of it...the last two short dealings I had with STBXWW went reasonably okay.

One other thought a divorced friend of mine passed along...I was talking to him about negative feelings I had when I was concerned that STBXWW was out dating already, and he told me that I should be hoping for my Ex to find someone else...As soon as his Ex found someone else she was interested in, all of the irrational anger and craziness stopped and his divorce went smoothly.

Some people can't come to terms with the destruction they caused on their own. They need something external...those early butterflies from someone else just to make themselves feel better and act like civilized adults.

LoBoy


"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one." Thoreau
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Jean,

Quote
I know I can't change him, but how to I change my way of thinking so that it doesn't bother me so much?


Well, I don't know that it SHOULDN'T bother you. If it bothers you, that is something to pay attention to. So rather than focusing on trying to change your appropriate feelings about a situation, why not try to change the situation?

Quote
No matter what [censored] thing he does, he knows I will not confront him about it as I am just tired of dealing with his irrational anger at me.


Ahhhh...so his plan is working. The best defense is a good offense, right?

You are correct. You can't change him. So if changing him is out and you are having appropriate feelings as a response towards his behavior, another option would be to change the situation from YOUR end.

Given that he is choosing to treat you disrespectfully (even using your children as pawns in this mission), what are some things that you can do that would protect you from his behavior?

An intermediary for communication about the children?
Is there some way to get some legal advice regarding the way he is using the children to stab at you?

I don't know the laws regarding that sort of child abuse (and it IS abusive), but I think it would be more productive to focus on ways to protect you and your children, rather than trying to think of ways to change your feelings (aka deal, cope) about the abusive way he is behaving.

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Jean36 Offline OP
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Thanks for all the feedback, guys.

His bank won't verify funds so I had to call him and see if the two checks I have are good (they are not). He didn't get angry but he took the opportunity to whine about the $200 in bank fees he has been hit with. I guess I wasn't his only bounced check.

So even after he decided to prematurely stop paying me alimony, he is still strapped for cash <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I did get to ask him if he was getting the kids for Thanksgiving. It was a civil conversation.

I feel like I should throw him a doggy treat for doing a good job, positive reinforcement and all.

And I get all sad that he is so broke, I have to grow a spine.


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story
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Posts: 2,033
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Jean,

I think that your boundary skills are gonna need to be in tip-top shape to deal with him effectively.

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Jean36 Offline OP
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I have no boundaries because I think if I am a good little doormat, he will come back home one day.

And yes, I am fully aware how sick that is.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story
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Posts: 2,033
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I'd be willing to bet, Jean, that he would respect you much more if you DID set limits with him.

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Jean36 Offline OP
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Hee Hee, my first reaction to that was "I don't want him to respect me, I want him to looovvvee me"

I need alot of therapy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

From what I gather, his main problems with me are that I am dating and being social and that I am financially OK. Now, sine he left me for OW (of course, they have broken up), I don't really get why he would care if I am being celibate and lonely or not. He has five days a week for grown up time, I have the kids M-F, 24 hours a day. I deserve my weekends. Plus, the weekends are the hours that I make the bulk of my money. (That makes me sound tawdry, I'm not doing anything nefarious, I am PRN in the health care field, weekends are good money).

Plus, he gets mad that I haven't been cashing his checks as soon as I get them. It messes up his bookkeeping and it reaffirms that I am not destitute. I think it bothered him that I didn't fight him in court about not paying the alimony until completion. I just figure you can't get blood from a turnip and losing the money was not going to make me homeless. That was a good will gesture that blew up in my face. He has been pretty nasty to me since announcing he refused to pay any more alimony.

I wish we had a mediator to go through, but he has broken ties with everyone in our pre-A life. There is no one who knows both of us anymore-except the kids.

Oh well...


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story
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Posts: 10,044
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Hee Hee, my first reaction to that was "I don't want him to respect me, I want him to looovvvee me"

I need alot of therapy


Agreed. Recognizing this should help put you on the road to your personal recovery.

Good luck with that.

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Hee Hee, my first reaction to that was "I don't want him to respect me, I want him to looovvvee me"

Jean, do you really not know that it's impossible to love someone when you don't respect them?

Seriously. We see this here all the time. That's why Plan B sometimes does have a powerful effect on a WS - it doesn't make the WS *love* the BS, but it sure can make them *respect* the BS.

If Love is going to come, it always comes after Respect.

Those who think that insisting on respect isn't necessary, that they only want "love", have got it entirely backwards.

Maybe a counselor could indeed help you with this.

Also - the opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference. No doubt your XWH is furious that you have destroyed his fantasy of having a girlfriend *and* a happy ex-wife who's thrilled to see him anytime he wants - you know, the fantasy that every WS seems to have of "we'll be Good Friends after the divorce."

In any case, please do get some serious help regarding the relationship between Love and Respect so you don't find yourself in this situation again.
Mulan


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WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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my first reaction to that was "I don't want him to respect me, I want him to looovvvee me"


Love and respect are unequivocally tied, Jean.

And I'm confused. I gather from your sig line that the two of you are divorced. What I am confused about is what you want. Initially, I had the impression that you are interested in moving forward with your life and were looking for ways to protect yourself from abusive behavior from him. Now it sounds as though you are interested in reconciliation.

Can you elaborate?

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Jean36 Offline OP
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Quote
Love and respect are unequivocally tied, Jean.

And I'm confused. I gather from your sig line that the two of you are divorced. What I am confused about is what you want. Initially, I had the impression that you are interested in moving forward with your life and were looking for ways to protect yourself from abusive behavior from him. Now it sounds as though you are interested in reconciliation.

Froz,
We are divorced, I am moving forward from all appearances, but I will not deny to anyone that I do carry a desire to see him turn back into the man I was married to and attempt reconciliation.

And I believe that the man I married does still have respect for me. maybe I am naive, but I don't see how he couldn't. We made joint decisions on how to live our lives and I am still adhering to those principles even in his absence.

Now I know there is the issue that the wayward has to alter his principles to justify his behavior, so THAT man doesn't respect me. Those same things are not important to him anymore.

I realized that when I saw his Yahoo dating profile. My husband was the most die hard, conservative, realistic, future grumpy old man that you will ever meet. People always talked about his very staunch and unwavering opinions. On his yahoo profile, he was searching for and considered himself a liberal idealist.

I know that that man has no respect for me. I don't want his respect.

But isn't that grumpy old republican still in there somewhere? I would like a civil relationship with him.



Can you elaborate? [/quote]


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story

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