Yeah, I can relate. When I was in my rebound after-divorce relationship, and my gut was telling me that she wasn't right for me, I went to a shrink for a couple of visits to help me get my thoughts unscrambled. She was great, she basically started yelling at me for dating the wrong woman, blah blah blah. It really got me to step back and think, and realize that instead of learning about myself and what I need, I jumped into the first relationship where a warm body smiled at me... Not good.

Anyway, therapy, good books, or your friends here at MB are all good resources to put you back on the right track <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

We discussed contact with exes back in July, a couple of months after I realized the extent of the contact with some of the women. One would text him inappropriate things... I happened to see one of them over his shoulder once. He also still had them on invite lists for parties he would hold. I felt uncomfortable with this because he had not explained his history or extent of contact before our discussion.

Honestly, since that conversation, he has not had contact that I know of. You know how good betrayed spouses are at super-sleuthing... so I'm pretty certain of this.

It was only two weeks ago he told me of the involvement with the married woman, so this has all boiled up to the surface again.

I am not sure how much to keep picking at the scab or just give it more time and see what pans out.

i hate to laugh about it but the term scab actually brought a smile to my face

true story

you live on your own hill... and you know how two of us feel already... heck i think you know the answer too but you just don't want to type it

Hi everyone,

Thanks for taking the time to read through the thread.

I am still with SO.

A month ago, he went to show me an email he had received from a friend- from a year ago, which was six months into our relationship at the time. He opened it, not remembering that it had been a three-way conversation... including the married woman he had an affair with.

She knew all about me, our relationship, that I had been married before... he had told her very intimate details about our relationship and my life.

It's awful, because when he first admitted to the affair, he had told me they had ceased all contact after it was "over." That was a bold-faced lie, clearly.

He says NOW that he doesn't remember the exact last time he spoke with her, but it was around the time I told him contact with exes makes me uncomfortable, which was this past summer.

I have no way to verify, thus no way to be sure.

I can't believe he would stay in contact, CLOSE contact, with a married woman he had an affair with after knowing what I went through... and that he lied to me about her. More than once.

I don't know,,, I don't know....

Hi Hill,

I just read through your thread for the first time and I have to say I'm not suprised at all about your most recent update. I just saw red light after red light reading through the threads up til yesterday's update. You just can't ignore all these things! The choices you make today determine where you're going to be in 5, 10, 20 years.

Can I suggest a book I'm reading at the moment called 'Finding the Right One after Divorce' by Edward M Tauber & Jim Smoke.

I think the biggest thing here, which I picked up on straight away, is you feel your biological clock is ticking and this is make or break time. The problem is, if you stay with someone, who isn't right for you, for those reasons - you are going to find yourself down the divorce path again. I'm about your age. I'm in the same boat. I had dreams of having lots of children - I feel desperate to make them real. But I KNOW if I don't do things the right way there is only more heartache headed my way.

I think you 'do know'.

Just think of it this way - the longer you stay with this liar, who clearly doesn't think much at all about what you've been through, or about fidelity in general....the longer YOU will take to turn your dreams into a reality with the RIGHT man. Don't get to the age of 40 and look back and wish you'd done things differently. YOU control what happens with your life from ths point forth.

Why did he call an ex?

I agree with aNewName, your desire to have children is clouding the issues that really matter. Take that desire out of the information you have regarding the suitability of this guy and things may be clearer to you.

Install a keylogger, read the phone logs. He is cheating on you, and you know it. Or you wouldn't have come here. No relationship longer than 6 months? That is the biggest red flag of all! Something is wrong! The man has commitment issues, or personality issues, that don't allow him to take one person (you) seriously. He may WANT to, but he sounds incapable. At least without therapy.

Drugs – immediate out for me. How will this ever get better, if it's not out of the picture? It will only get worse. And if you're talking illegal drugs, do you want to go to prison for him?

I agree.

You admitted that you got into a relationship too soon. So back off, spend a YEAR on yourself, to make sure you don’t go into relationships with potentially damaging people. If he loves you, he will wait. If he doesn’t wait, you have your answer. And therapy is good for almost every person on this earth, don’t let someone tell you you don’t need it. If nothing else, go so that you learn more about how people work. You can’t have too much knowledge.