Mimi...I guess we will need to balance one another out on this issue...because i will hammer the point home any chance I get. I know you did what was you thought was best for you at the time...only you need to live with your decisions. Hopefully no one here need find out the hard way the error of having unsafe sex with a WS.

unprotected sex with someone who's had unprotected sex elsewhere = jumping out of an airplane

uninformed unprotected sex with your WS after s/he's had unprotected sex with someone else = being foricbly pushed out of an airplane

agreed.

I think that's a first for us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

even "informed" is in a way being pushed out too considering the mental state of the BS.

So how do you guys feel that this issue should be ADDRESSED?

I don't think we can IGNORE and not ADDRESS the significance of SEXUAL NEEDS/SEXUAL INTIMACY in an AFFAIR.

The Harleys are definitely not mistaken in bringing to the forefront the significance of SEXUAL FULFILLMENT as an EMOTIONAL NEED. IT IS NOT JUST A PHYSICAL ACT...

I don't think it's HELPFUL for us to necessarily talk about our individual viewpoints about this. Folks do differ on their ideas about PERSONAL FREEDOM and their purposes for being on this forum, how much they give of themselves on this forum, etc.

What is TRUE is that SEXUAL FULFILLMENT is a PRIMARY EMOTIONAL NEED for many and when DEPRIVED of this, it leaves the MARRIAGE HIGHLY VULNERABLE to an AFFAIR.

Again, speaking for my situation, which I certainly do not feel is unique, my H initially became involved with the OW for SEX and THEN he became EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED to her...I think this happens frequently and is the impetus for MANY AFFAIRS on this board...

Mimi - For every man that becomes involved for sex, I think there are an equal number that become involved for other reasons. Look at all of the good men here who are being deprived of sex and are still being faithful to their vows.

One of my ex's EN's was SF. We had SF almost every day of our marriage. I can count on my fingers the days we missed. During the affair he had SF with the OW and me on the same days - and he did it all of the time.

I think it is more of a character issue. It was EASIER to find an OW than to work on any problems that he had.

I certainly can't speak for MEN but I've done LOADS of reading and thinking about this and probably should just move on with my life because I know, unlike others here now, what I'm saying is affected by the GREAT LOVE and RESPECT that I feel for my H NOW..who is NOTHING like the WH...four years out..and is in many ways DIFFERENT than he used to be..

What I've learned about HIM... now that I've REALLY gotten to know him..we talk INTIMATELY NOW is that..it is not JUST SEX for HIM..it is NOT JUST A PHYSICAL ACT.. that's when HE FEELS MOST IN LOVE with me...or FEELS that I LOVE HIM...

and I think that, him being more of a BUYER and more of a GOODY-GOODY prior to his affair, he had to JUSTIFY his SEXUAL FLING with a HO by convincing himself that HE LOVED HER, him equating SEXUALITY to LOVE..and indeed HE DID FALL "IN LOVE" with HER or what she represented...

So for those that who may have a H like mine and DON'T CHOOSE to do the sexual act I think it's ESSENTIAL to in some way COMMUNICATE the CAPACITY AND WILLINGNESS to EXPRESS the LOVE that is EXPRESSED in the SEXUAL ACT...during PLAN A...I hope I am making this clear...I didn't know any other way to do it than to do the REAL THING..maybe somebody else has an idea..

BUT..I don't feel that we should DOWNPLAY THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS ISSUE...or overlook it..

Let's not go here AGAIN Mimi.

At least let's make sure people are WARNED they might very well be risking their lives. Then let them make their choice but please don't promote stupidity to vulnerable people.

OR Rush & Roulette as MrsW has called it.........

BigKangaroona is just itchin' for a serious [censored] whoopin! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

hahahahahaha. Bring it on sister.

Great deeds are usually wrought at great risk.
(Herodotus)
Sadly, a lot of regrettable deeds, too.
(Sweet)

People calculate their risks, whether it’s regarding marriage, sex, affairs, reproduction, love, work, gossip, wearing a seatbelt, investing for retirement….whatever.

Mimi considers that her calculated risk worked out well for her.

As for many of us ….

Trust, but verify.

But Mimi seems happy with skydiving, and it worked out well for her!

It DID...

And AWAY I GO..off into the SKY...

Really this time...

I'll FOREVER LOVE THIS FORUM..but I've probably said all I need to say and all I have to say that can be of value...and that's OK...

I like this ENDING...

SWEET.....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Dang this thread kinda took off here.

Honestly,
Don't see what the uproar is about.

Although that's OK,
Cause we all have our own outlook and perspective on each issue.

With that said,
As far as I can tell,
the advice given was simply a Very NECESSARY Warning to persons about what Could happen to anyone who's having sex with a lying WS .......and what they Should do to prevent being one of the unfortunate [hopefully] few to ultimately regret that choice by Not Protecting themselves.

However,
its like ALL advice given here ......each does in real life what each sees fit to actually implement and use.

Like much of it,
some is heeded and some is not .........many times to the regret of those wishing they had listened better in hindsight.
{This runs the gambit from exposure, plans a/b, NC, ect}

Believe me,
many NEWER folks aren't thinking of Every pit fall [such as health and life] when they arrive,
due to being in the midst of this most emotional of times.
[So I believe that crowd is where the heart of the message was/is intended].

I believe the warning not only well meant,
but well done.

Any choosing to ignore it .........well, as mimi says .........that's at your own risk. {seven come eleven}
If you've read this [or any thread like it]........can't say your weren't warned!

In ending:
Just don't understand where folks can object to giving newbies sound warnings.
(But this IS MBers ......so expect ANYThing).

I agree. I totally support calling the possibility of STD's to the attention BS, who in the shock of d-d, may not have thought about yet another type of danger beyond having their life as they knew it destroyed and their heart crushed.

I think, though, in far too many cases the WS has continued to engage in SF with the BS and the OP so may have already passed any STD to them. This really upset me immediately on d-d, so I asked the question about using protection straight off.

My FWH used protection with OW even tho she swore she was only seeing him. I guess in spite of the FOG, he recognized that a person who would have an A with a married man might just not be honest and trustworthy.

Folks are going to do what they are going to do. I see our repsonsibility as merely pointing out the pitfalls to them.

Who

TR and WM...I agree 100%.

"I think, though, in far too many cases the WS has continued to engage in SF with the BS and the OP so may have already passed any STD to them. This really upset me immediately on d-d, so I asked the question about using protection straight off."

WhoMe - I asked that question right away too. My WH swore he used protection every time. Later I found out from OW's husband (OW told him the truth) that they NEVER used protection. So much for asking the liar.

And I was exposed unknowingly, but after D-day, I refrained from voluntarily exposing myself to whatever they were passing around.

Great post whome.

Wow, walk away from the puter for 24 hours and look what happened to my small little innocuous thread.

It took me me 2 hours to catch up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Everyone has made great replies, and I couldn't possibly respond to everyone.

Mimi, if you are still out there and not skydiving, this was never meant to be a thread about the choices you've made. they were your choice and you have owned them, and that is good enough.

My whole point was to inform the newbie, who has probably not progressed to the point of visualizing about STD's, a simple reminder that there is more to think about. My dissappointment comes fro the fact that Dr H's plan A does not even address this as a possiblity. He is a Dr. and should confront this possiblity as a professional and a scientist. As I have said, "the hole in plan A."

I was what SSB refereed to as the one pushed out of the plane with no parachute. My W knew what had happened but refused to warn me of any possible outcomes. My personal physician did so instead, and when I left his office, I felt like I had just splattered on the ground.

I think it is at least fair to warn newbies, that they have a critical choice to make in resuming SF with their spouse. Once informed, I agree, it's their choice.

All Blessings,
Jerry