This is a great point from The Princess...




PERFECT!!!

Do you see the problems with this part, now?



I have the answers to these questions. I'm not being funny.I'm serious. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Next time, check with US before you send an E-mail....

Hi SG

I'm not a legal expert but, as I am in the same state as you, I can tell you that the courts look at more than just "community property" issues when it comes to this. They look at the length of the M, who raised the kids, if you supported him while he was going to school or whatever. My aunt and uncle divorced after many years (and his many A's-when he wanted to marry the current OW). She had raised their 6 boys and been there during his years as a medical missionary in Korea.

My aunt was worried that she would get nothing because the kids were grown etc. The judge gave her the house, half his investments and half his retirement and maintenance up to a certain number of years. One of her sons is a finance expert and he has invested all that money well. (My uncle was a Mercer Island surgeon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

I echo mimi. You are protecting your family from his insane choices right now. In our state, you can file separation and extend it for years! It is legally binding and he has to pay the financial agreement. Plus, any stupid decisions he makes during this separation fall on him-not you.

SG,

During the days of the prophet Elisha, when the Northern Kingdom was under siege and all those in the city of Samaria were starving for lack of food and some had even resorted to eating their own children to survive, there sat outside the gates of the city three lepers. As they discussed their fate one said "If we sit here outside the city gate, we will die, for we have no food." And another replied, "If we go into the city we will die, for there is no food in the city either."

Finally they said, "If we go to the enemy camp, the worst that can happen is that we will die because they will kill us...But IF they capture us, they will feed us and we might live though prisoners."

So they gathered up their courage and headed for the enemy camp.

Before they got there, God caused the enemy solders to hear the sound of thousands of chariots and troops coming in the distance. They thought that the Egyptians had signed a treaty with Israel and was sending their army to join the battle. So all of the solders abandoned everything and ran for their lives. They left their clothing, their weapons and tables set for dinner behind as they fled.

Of course there was no advancing Egyptian army, but when the three lepers arrived at the camp, they found tables set as if for a great feast. They filled themselves with food and stashed some of it away for later. They took for themselves some extra clothes and weapons and gold and silver.

Then they realized that they had the solution to the famine in the city right before them. So they sent word to the king and all of the city was saved from starvation, because when they took a step of faith and went where God had caused them to logically determine was the place to go, they found that God had gone before them and prepared the way for them and not only they, but all the people of the land were saved...They found the enemy was already gone because God had caused them to scatter... and they were satisfied with all that they needed...

David wrote in a Psalm..."Kings and armies flee in haste; in the camps men divide the plunder."

Mark

Mimi,

Sadly I am NOT clear completely on what I did wrong. But let me take a stab to see. My questions are #1 trying to reason with the WH, which is STUPID. #2 I am putting ideas into his head where there aren't any? #3 I look needy?

If I am really off, please tell me where. Your have PERMISSION to slam me. I want to LEARN and be the best I can, but this is so NEW and confidence is completely unchartered territory for me. So, please help me understand so I DON'T do it again.

I PROMISE NO MORE EMAILS UNTIL YOU SEE THEM FIRST!!!!!

For all,

I will have the money, and I will call the lawyer tomorrow or Monday and get the ball rolling.

I'm sorry to be such a sorry specimen. I am working through my issues of guilt, shame and regret for not being the wife that I could have been all along. I am truly working my hardest for personal recovery and then marriage restoration.

Please be patient!!!! One day.... You will see your successes in me, and it will make you PROUD!!! And maybe even ME TOO!!!

SG

And the EMAIL showed lack of respect for ME, which is UNATTRACTIVE.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, how do I recover the ground I made earlier this week for myself, NOT HIM.

Hey noniela,

Can you post this in the main thread? It's going to get lost here.

Happy Saturday,

I have been revisiting what you have all said to me. As I am still LEARNING and PERFECTING this Plan A and ultimately Plan B, I thought I would offer up a little insight into my mind so that I can begin to see where my flaws are and change them IMMEDIATELY.

1. When H and I were together, I spent money frivously b/c I was looking to fill me up and buying things were one way. If I have CHANGED, and I have, then my H needs to be reassured that I am not spending money wastefully.

2. WH is in the total victim role right now and feels that he is completely sacrificing because he lives in a crap hole. Here I am taking trips to California, etc and when his "victim person" is in control he is very dangerous. The part of addressing this in the email was to buy "time" with THIS person and appeal to him that I do NEED the extra money and I am not being careless.

3. In the past, I would not have addressed these two items up front, b/c I was too busy playing the "game" with him and not clearly stating what I want or asking questions and just "assuming".

4. Getting him to commit into writing what we agreed upon and have it to take to the lawyer.

Since I KNOW my HUBBY better than anyone, having information and feeling like he is NUMBER ONE is absolutely the key to him believing I have changed. If I can't accomplish this, my chances of him coming home are greatly reduced. If my reasoning is WAY OFF, please tell me as well as helping me understand how I could have handled this Plan A style.

I will say, he has NOT responded, which is not a surprise. BUT this is NOT about him anymore, it's about ME, personally recovering and moving on. And in any new R, I need to understand what mistakes or where my actions are off. I NEVER want to go through this AGAIN!

On a side note, he emailed my YS and wished him Good Shabbas. The important piece here, is that those are MY words. He says Shabbot Shalom. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep put it in terms of the CARROT and the STICK of PLAN A. That post is somewhere around here.

Like you, SG, I struggled and continue to struggle with the MAJOR MISTAKES that I made in the marriage. During PLAN A, I began to change and I have not turned back from working on those changes. I continue to still have those same tendencies so it's a day to day thing on staying on track. THIS IS MY WORK. THIS IS MY TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ERRORS. This is the PERSONAL RECOVERY piece that we talk about. So from now on, FOCUS ON YOURSELF and what YOU FEEL that YOU NEED TO DO to become a BETTER PERSON, not just a BETTER WIFE TO PLEASE HIM but a BETTER PERSON OVERALL. My changes have affected by ENTIRE LIFE. Daily I learn more and more about myself and I'm so thankful that I've decided to do that. You will be too because this has to be ABOUT YOU. The life that you once had is gone so MAKE THIS NEW LIFE better FOR YOURSELF because it may not include your WH. Got it?

Then there's THE MARRIAGE. You want that back. You feel that there's a FUTURE for you and your WH so you have decided to demonstrate YOUR CHANGES to HIM. You don't have to do this. This is a CHOICE that you are now making. So you let him know that YOU'VE decided to CHANGE your spending habits. DON'T DO IT FOR HIM. DO it for YOURSELF. That is the message. For your MARRIAGE'S SAKE, you are deciding to share YOUR CHANGES with him but you don't have to...Am I making sense.

It's about YOU...what YOU WANT TO CHANGE...then THE MARRIAGE...

And then there's YOUR WH. The way HE CHOSE to handle THE MARRIAGE PROBLEMS that YOU TWO were having was TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. He had other options. He could have packed up and left, gotten a divorce AND THEN become involved with another woman. Instead HE CHOSE to be LIE, BE DECEITFUL and even ABANDON HIS FAMILY and MOVE IN WITH THIS WOMAN..and then he continues TO NOT TAKE CARE OF HIS FAMILY. He needs to SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES of HIS OWN CHOICES.

You made YOUR MISTAKES which you own, YOUR MISTAKES affected YOUR MARRIAGE, he made his own contribution to the continued MARITAL PROBLEMS. Let's just say he was the PERFECT HUSBAND and it was ALL YOUR FAULT. It still was NOT OK for him to handle this by HAVING AN AFFAIR. That is one of the worst things that a person can do to anyone..right up there with rape..for your spouse to do that to you..I hate to even think about how my now dear husband did such a horrible thing to be (excuse this digression- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />)

SO TODAY: You are ON TOP and need to STAY ON TOP....

TODAY: You are the one who has made the choice to STAND UP for YOUR FAMILY and YOUR MARRIAGE...

TODAY: even if he was THE GOOD GUY in the past, he is the BAD GUY NOW and needs to be treated as such...

THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU DO NOT LOVE HIM..that's why you are doing PLAN A..because you still have LOVE FOR HIM...but you should not ENABLE his BAD BEHAVIOR...

We are encouraging you to hold your head up and speak out for what is GOOD and RIGHT..you are doing this FOR HIM...

I'M ENCOURAGING YOU TO DEVELOP AN AIR OF SUPERIORITY..now, I guess...that's A BIG STEP, I KNOW..

But HE is NOW in THE GUTTER...

What do you say so far? I've said a mouthful...

I SAY RIGHT ON!! I SAY YOU ARE A BLESSING IN MY LIFE AND G-D is working miracles through your words to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK, no more feeling sorry or ashamed of the PAST. As my sponsor told me last night, that is who I WAS, I am NO longer that PERSON.

Today I am a WOMAN OF G-D, WIFE and MOTHER who walks in G-D'S will and claim my new M and new LIFE.

CHEST IS UP AND OUT, HEAD IS UP and I am WALKING PROUD OF THE LIFE I am CREATING b/c it's the LIFE I want to create.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And most important it's the LIFE that G-D wanted me to CREATE.

And today's MISSION/PLAN for me to keeping moving forward is:

I am off to go make a Santa suit for HUBBY's best friend. I only make quilts, but I haven't sewn in months and this is helping someone else out and doing service work for my community.

I have HAPPENED to have called H today and invited him to come over and check out how the progress is going. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you Mimi,

How are you spending your day?

SG

I've been doing a lot of NESTING today...

I'm such a DOMESTIC GODDESS...

Cleaning, sorting, organizing, lighting MY CANDLES..planning my menus...You know...

You seem like such a SWEET PERSON...

HUG YOURSELF FOR ME...

YOU ARE ONE SPECIAL PERSON TO HELP ME OUT. I do have a GOOD heart and care very much when people are in pain. I also LOVE to celebrate SUCCESSES.

I vow to you, that ONE DAY, I will be there for someone who NEEDS me like I NEED YOU.

What are the things you have learned most about yourself?

What has surprised you the most about yourself?

Hi there,

Well TODAY was the first time since this whole thing happened that I have truly ENJOYED my day.

It started off with my prayer and meditation time with G-d, then I went to Starbucks for coffee and ran into a former football player who played against my Redskins in a playoff game. It also turns out I know him from my business and what a GORGEOUS, RICH HUNK he was. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Then I went to lacrosse registration and felt ALIVE, almost A BRAND NEW ME. Still need to work on the confidence. BUT,
my chest was out, and head held high and I had fun and laughed.

Then I came home, got my sewing machine together and went and the top part of a Santa suit. It snowed what I considered HARD. In the past I was very SCARED to drive and would have relied on my HUBBY to take me and pick me up. BUT I DID IT,MYSELF.

I came home and for the first time since this whole mess started, I LOVED having my place to myself. I almost felt like the old/new me.

I am so grateful to G-d today for this day and will reflect on that tonight in my prayers to him.

It's snowing hard tonight and I wish my husband were here, not because I am SAD, but because of the joy I know the snow brings the two of us when we are at home and having family time. I can reminice with love in my heart tonight.

Ok, so I do have some side news that really doesn't change MY LIFE, or MY PLAN, but helps to have FAITH, that the A will end one day.

Evidently OW disappeared AGAIN, OVERNIGHT some weeks ago and my H was furious. I don't necessarily get any enjoyment, because as an addict myself my heart goes out to her for being so sick. Somehow it helps to know that they are both caught up in something that is beyond anything I would want to be a part of.

I sit at home TONIGHT, with my boys and it snowing outside and I am VERY GRATEFUL to so many people for not giving up on ME.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I do KNOW that for just today, I felt ALIVE and HAD JOY AND LIFE IN MY HEART and SOUL.

SG

Good morning,

I wish you all a wonderful day. My Redskins play their first game without Sean Taylor and I wish I could be at the game paying respects.

I know most think this is stupid, but this team means so much to me. When times are down, they are my enjoyment. I'm sad today that someone so young with a life so promising was cut short.

I walk in trust of G-d, in fact this morning Psalm 31 was where G-d directed me.

I guess I am just needing a hug and my HUBBY isn't here to give it. So I send it to those of you who have supported me and those of your who are in pain today.

I wish you all a happy day.

Busy this morning...

Letting you know that you are a BRIGHT RAY OF SUNSHINE on this DREARY DAY here...

It's refreshing to see your PERSONAL GROWTH...



((((SG)))))

Thanks Mimi,

Well I really needed that.

Thank you. My PERSONAL GROWTH is because I listened to people here, keep fighting for SURVIVAL, but more than anything I sought G-d. He is the one who keeps me alive on days like this. And he is the one I owe all my appreciation to for days like yesterday.

SG

Hi SG-

Did you get much snow? We didn't in the valley but my oldest sis in Poulsbo has about 12 inches! The winds are howling here.

I wanted to give you this verse:

Isa. 40:31

They that wait upon the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar with wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

I read that eagles can soar to a height of 14,000 feet (think Mt. Rainier) by catching the updrafts from thermals from the earth. That put it into perspective for me.

Also, the word "wait" can also mean "cling" in Hebrew.

You are in good hands-the Lord of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

OH JT,

You are such a blessing right now. I am really struggling. I learned something about my WH that just has been overcome with grief and sadness and not understanding.

This is perfect and right now you are a gift from G-d. I begged him for help and he sent you, thank you.

WE got a lot of snow last night, but it was raining by this morning. On my way out to sew the Santa outfit I hit a car behind me. Not a good start to the day.

And then the Redskins lost with 4 seconds left. Heartbreaking, this whole week losing this player is really hard.

I'm trying so hard to be brave and strong and stick to G-d. My problem is that I talk to people away from these boards and they say there is no HOPE. And I buy into it. I HAVE TO STOP TALKING TO PEOPLE WHO0 DON'T UNDERSTAND THE WH MENTALITY OR LACK OF IT.

How are YOU doing? What are you doing for yourself?

SG

A Jewish girl sewing a Santa suit? That made me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry that today has been tough for you. But, I am so honored that God sent ME to you today-it's always amazing when He does that.

I am sorry about the Redskins. It's tough when a favorite team loses. Especially on top of the loss they suffered this week with their player.

My son goes to Burlington-Edison and they lost the state 2A championship by a huge margin. It was sooo disappointing for them. But their girls' soccer team came in second in state, Cross County was 1st and girls' volleyball was 7th. Not too bad.

What have I been doing for me lately? Today after church I went walking in the wind. I love when it's blustery. I've been pulling out decorations and making the house festive. Not sure if the lights will stay up in the wind, but that gives the boys a chance to climb around in the roof (not when it's windy though-).

Sorry about your WH and the newest thing you've learned. It's best to give those things over to God. Even if we don't understand, we can trust that God does, and He can turn it into something good as we trust in Him. It's like the part in the story of Joseph when he reveals himself to his brothers and says to them that what they intended for evil, God used for good-to save them all.

JT,

Not just a Jewish girl sewing Santa, byt Santa himself is Jewish. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It is amazing how G-d works in our lives. How is the weather now? I hear we are getting in another huge storm.

How do YOU turn things over to G-d. Is there a prayer you say or just in your mind. I usually beg him to take it and you know tonight something happened.

I was so distraught when I got home and with the loss I got on my knees for the first time in a LONG time and asked him to help me. Show me what to do. I read a few pages of Torah which he guided me to the Psalm where it says to have confidence in the Lord. And then I got to see read your post. I REALLY believe that somehow I need to strengthen my trust in G-d that he is working out something HUGE in my husband.

I just get scared or lonely or whatever and talk to people and people don't understand and think I should just get rid of him. And then I spiral downward. SO, I need to just come here because you all understand the feelings and TRUST G-d and RELY on him for everything right now. Is that ok to do?

SG