How are you TMTS and Chai doing today?

Queenie, read my thread, it will blow you away. I have no idea what to make of it so I just keep on plugging with the plan and not expect anything.

I just did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Remember what Mimi says, this is a war of many battles.

I'm very happy for you, just please know if she goes back into full on WW it isn't about you. They are addicted. That fix drives them no matter what and at all costs.

Keep moving towards your goal of becoming who G-d intends for you to become.

Have fun doing Plan A, because I found when it's working, it's very fun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

thanks for that, because I was starting to think I was the only one getting pleasure out of running a good game plan. It feels like I kept her to one yard total (forget about just running yards), the D was rock solid.

LOL

YOU ARE SO SPECIAL, QUEENIE!!

I'm thankful that you made that promise about not hurting yourself!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I want you to KNOW, I MEANT it with EVERY PART of MY BEING.

I'm thankful that G-d put you in my life.

I'm thankful that I have my children and last night I got to see that I was NEEDED in their lives and will ALWAYS be needed. If for no other reason that to remind them of G-d and to seek G-d for all answers.

I'm thankful that one day, I will be healed and living a life that is more G-d centered than I can imagine today.

Can we get back to the Plan A recap and see where my deficits are? And address them before Plan B? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Ok, I was thinking that I need to somehow feed my H more information about the kids since he is missing out on their lives. Not to mention this would be creating an avenue of feeding him information that will be GONE once I am in Plan B.

So I was thinking of sending the email saying this. What do you think?

WH

I realized how hard this must be for you not really knowing what is going on in your children's daily lives. I want to honor that pain and include you in things as much as possible my email if you will allow me to.

And then I would go into writing what is happening. Things that are funny, etc. To create hopefully an environment of him missing out.

What do you think? Changes?

I think it's a good idea. I don't know about an email asking him for permission to do it, though. Maybe someone else can chime in about that.

Hey Charlotte,

Your saying. I like it. Do you think that most WS are crippled inside? And do they try and hide it?

I'll wait a little while and see what people say. Why don't you think I should ask for permission?

The only thing I can think of is if the children feel the same way. Two of the three are not children anymore and may have a different take on things. Even your youngest may not want to be involved. I know that when my F left I didn't want to have anything to do with him. I had basically implemented my own Plan B.

They are old enough to have their own opinions taken into consideration, because if they are not, it can lead to some resentment towards you.

TMTS,

Very good points. I would say that you are correct, the kids SAY they don't want to have anything to do with him. But, deep down, if he were to come home and be REALLY sorry for what he has done and made amends they would open their hearts to him.

The WH has not emailed YS in almost a month and the reason is b/c YS didn't email him back one time. When WH told me, it was all I could do to not SLAP him and say WAKE UP you A$$, you are the adult here. You abandoned them.

But I just smiled and let him vent without saying one word. Oh my gosh have I changed. LOL.

So taking all that in, what do you think?

I think you're worrying about the wrong person. WH made his choices thinking that they would be OK. But only they know if they are OK or not. I was not OK for 25 years! I repressed all my feelings of pain and anger for way too long. Is MS still at home? How is he doing? I ask because he would be the one put into the position of being the 'man of the house' and is most susceptible to repress feelings because he will want to step up to help you.

Now keep in mind that everybody is different and my experience will not be the same as someone else’s, but it's something to keep in mind.

As for your DD, she seems to have her own life now and having to deal with her own troubles. Her F is probably the last person she is worried about.

They are worried about you and how you’re doing; they could care less about what he does or what happens to him. Even if he does come back, it will never be the same; they will always hold some resentment for what he did. Be ready for that.

I am not sure I understand. What do you mean worrying about the wrong person?


I think this is our first disagreement, he didn't make a choice on whether they would be ok or not. In fact his exact words to me were he was tired of putting other people first and wanted to put himself first.

I asked him what he was teaching his kids. He said, I am teaching them to stand up for their truth. I didn't know then what I know now. Boy I would love to have that conversation back.

He is still at home. He graduates in June. Of all my children he is the most like me in terms of sensitivity. He was the one who confronted his dad and he carries around the anger of how WH laid into him one night about being honest and truthful and the 10 commandments and when push came to shove, WH just walked b/c he loved her.

In the beginning when I was an absolute mess, not eating or drinking, etc. He really stepped up and became a man. I relied on him for while, however, one time he over stepped his bounds and he and I went at it. I told him, that like it or not, I was still the parent and the HEAD of the house. I think it helped him to relax and know that he could still play for a little longer.

They work at the same place and she seems him and talks to him every so often. She was VERY CLOSE to him and is grieving the loss of him in her own way and it's really causing trouble in her life. She may not be worried about him like me, but she knows HE IS NOT HER DADDY anymore and she needs HER DADDY. Ironically, growing up, she and I weren't as close as we are now. She was always DADDY'S girl.

They are worried about me. And the boys say they could care less. But you see, my H was the one who was the everyday dad. He played with them, cooked most meals for them. I was off doing this or that. This has left a huge voice in their lives. H used to take them out and play lacrosse with them, he used to take them to play soccer with him, he would take them down to his workplace and spend the day with them, they would go 4 wheeling, he would teach them how to work on cars, etc. I didn't do any of those things. I just loved on them and in the end haven't abandoned them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You and I have NO CLUE what the future holds. By me completely forgiving H is setting an example that I believe in time will completely heal their relationship.

Mimi, would you agree with that?

Queenie,

What was you YS's reaction to his father not coming to his game on Saturday? Did he mention anything to you?

I was thinking that you may want to keep an eye on him for 'man of the house' syndrome as well. Look at it this way... MS is at the age that he is looking forward to his own life, which leaves your YS to be your main protector. And as much as we try to protect them and tell them that this is not their problem, it still leaves a mark on their soul. The natural defense for this is to protect the hurt parent from any more pain. If you noticed that he has matured very quickly since d-day, you may want to keep your eye open for this.

I am pretty sure he didn't make a comment. I honestly don't remember if we talked about it. He calls him names or says who cares about him, he is nothing to him.

If the WH wouldn't have waited so long after d-day to contact the boys I don't think their relationship would be this strained. But WH continues to be the victim in all this and gets mad at the boys because he feels that he has tried to repair the damage. He just simple DOESN'T GET IT. He is losing his children more and more and HE IS LOST. He thinks it's the kids responsibility to mend this relationship.

YS is by far the most tightly wound up one. He is a time bomb waiting to explode and everyone sees it, especially at school. I can't force them to go to counseling, but I have the school helping me out with avenues for him to vent.

Unfortunately and trying to not be disrespectful to my H, they boys are just like him. They shut down completely any emotions and act like nothing is wrong. H did it for years and it would frustrate me to no end. Finally I learned how to deal with it in unhealthy ways and I don't need to go there anymore. I just handled it wrong.

I wonder, can someone who was so into mind games with me, be absolutely healthy in this relationship with the OW? He tells me how their intimacy is like something we never experienced before.

Hi Queenie,



You're intention to give your H an update seems to have more to do with him than with your children. He needs to take responsibility for his relationship with his Children.



Disagreements are good, they lead to more understanding. I'm going on my experience from the side of the child and BS spouse on this one. In my case my WW told me straight out that the DDs would adjust and be ok. Talking to my F he tells me that he had made the same rationalization. He could have very well rationalized it in a completely different way. At one point I would think that he asked himself the question about how the kids would adjust, and he had to answer it. The question is did he let you in on what he was thinking.



You are correct in stating that we have no clue as to what the future holds, but has we cannot control our WS's feelings or actions, we also cannot control our children's either.

Please keep in mind that I am only sharing a possible outcome based on my personal experience. I wish and pray that you are right and that their relationship with their F can be healed. Please keep this particular possibility in mind, because it affected me and my brother, and still does to this day.

No, actually my intention is to meet another EN of family commitment by feeding him information about the kids. Once I go dark, I won't be feeding him this information and I want him to MISS this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Is that right Mimi?

I think we both know the answer to that one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Ok, you win. He rationalized to himself the kids would be ok. What he neglected to take into account was how much his kids loved him and how much a part of their lives he was. At least before the A.

I think that honestly, I am not able to comprehend that what the WH has chosen to do has hurt my children forever. If I do, then I go to a place where I want to find the courage to tell him to shove it and walk away from him for cruelly hurting my children. I grew up in an unbelievable mind field of games and dysfunction. The only true thing I wanted to do in life was give my children two parents the whole way through. Again, I won't go there because he is sick and out of control. If he was in his right mind, he would NEVER have done this.

This was the key that got my F out of the fog. He never claimed to be a victim, but when he realized that we could and were willing to go one without him, it really pulled at him. He had painted a picture where he would move close by so that we could go and visit him whenever we wanted. (It was literally a 5 min walk). What he didn't count on is that we didn't want to go see him. We were angry and hurt. We were more concerned about looking out and helping out my M than him.

Your YS sounds like he is having the same kind of reaction my B had and your MS is acting like I did. But it sounds like they are keeping it in, which is not good. IC may help, bit I know that I would not have been helped until I was in my early to mid 20s.



Remember that it's you WH making it sound all nice. Is it the truth or another justification to continue on the path he's on?

I really think that my constantly blaming myself for this is another attempt at trying to fix him.

The truth is, my H had a horrible childhood growing up and carries with him scars that he blames on me. Those aren't my fault and never were. He is empty inside and completely believes this OW is going to make him happy.

But as we all know, it was NEVER my job to make him happy nor could I. And the same is true of her. It's not her job and she ultimately won't be able to because he has NO CLUE of what happiness is. That is something that comes from G-d. And until he truly comprehends that, well who knows.