Hey Queenie! How are ya tonight?

Hi Queenie, how did set uo go?

you got to check Lala's thread.

TMTS - I honestly don't think anything sticks in his mind.

I had a 12 minute conversation with him on the phone and I absolutely think he has lost him mind or is completely delusional. I don't know how else to explain this. It's beyond crazy.

I asked him again to come help me and he said oh no, I have way too much to do. Then I started asking leading and engaging questions. I don't know how to explain this so please forgive me if it's rambling, but I somehow have to get this straight in my mind.

I asked him how work was going and he started talking about how he was interviewing etc. I asked him what qualities he was looking for in an employee. His answer - in this order too - He has to have integrity, be honest, open and willingness. I just completely glossed over what he had just said because he is out of it. He sounds so happy. I is always so busy, never stops. I guess he can't really because they he would have to be with himself. And he can't can he?

This person isn't capable of emotion is he? He is so busy thinking he is in charge, in control, etc that he simply can't stop and feel the pain that he is causing, can he? It almost seems like he is absolutely detached from the reality of life of what's going on. Is that truly possible? Can he possibly live that way for the rest of his life? Or can he truly be that happy and just have completely moved on and has no emotions for his family. My H was warm, loving, sensitive. This WH is void of feelings and yet I would imagine he talks a great talk with her.

I feel like I am living in the twilight zone with this person and he has no grasp of what is truly going on in his families life. I'm scared for him. Because I honestly dont know if he is capable to look at things anymore.

We talked for 12 minutes and not once did he ask me how the kids were. We talked about NOTHING of any substance. Just about his job and how sure he is of what he wants in a person.

It's madness. Please tell me I am not nuts and this is what the WS is really like. Can they really be this lost an come back?

Mark, when you have time to answer the question, please do. This isn't about me converting or not, it's about me finding comfort in G-d. You have a spirit and a walk with G-d that brings peace to your words when you write me. I need that, so dont' worry about me taking offense, etc. G-d knows what he is doing and I am trusting him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thank you, it was a nice Shabbas tonight, near my Skins.

JT,

Oh yes, I got down there at 6:00. They arrived at 5:00. I got a few signatures, but I was just there with them. I got the owner's signature and Bernard Shaw. At first he was hesitant, but I assured him I knew who he was and wanted it. He asked me for my name and wrote something very nice.

I am going back at 6:00am. I should probably get to sleep. I just need to somehow find some reinforcement that what I experienced with WH is not unusual and it's absolute craziness.

It's windy, but not raining really bad. I hope the rain and wind is really bad tomorrow during the game. I think it will give the advantage to my Skins.

I actually got the whole day off from the wedding faire, will go be with my Skins in the morning and then be home by 11:00ish or so, to sit in the comforts of home to watch the game.

I NEED them to win.

How is work, are the kids glad to be back?

Oh Queenie,

I remember My Dad driving in front of the house slowly just to get my M going. He came back, so yes I would think this is all standard WS foggy alien behavior.

I do completely understand where you’re coming from though. We want so much to see that glimpse of what we know is there, that when they act like this we just want to smack them around.

Hey, your skins are in town, focus on that for the next couple of days.

Yes, My Skins are close to me. I am focusing on them. I need to get to sleep, and be wide awake to leave around 6:00ish and be ready for pictures.

I don't know if I am looking for the glimpse as much as making sure I am NOT the crazy one and that his behavior and conversations are out of touch of reality.

He sounds happy, he sounds busy, he sounds like he has his life together, and here I am, hurt, crushed and trying to build my life back.

For me this is worse than any drug. At least then on some level he would know he is doing wrong. But this, there is NOTHING, no emotion, just happiness, if you know what I mean by the difference.

It is like he is absolutely unable to go into reality and face the destruction his actions have caused do he plays nice and everything is awesome.

Am I even making sense?

You're making complete sense Queenie. He has to show you this to keep the fantasy alive. What would it look like if he looked all miserable? Wouldn't that just be a way for him to admit he is wrong? It all part of the delusion.

Mimi, please slap me around if I'm out of line here.

YES to the first 2 and NO to the third. The only emotion he cares about right now is not only his own, but his own FANTASY VERSION.

Tune it out, Q, tune it out. This isn't your H and you know it...don't get sucked in and thrown down by his babble.

So cool what you got to do tonight with your Skins! Keep your spirits up!!

SG,

What LaLa said...Add me to that list as well.

Yep, he is that nuts.

Let me put it this way for you: Even if you didn't like someone very much at all, when they went out of their way to be especially nice to you, wouldn't you have some reaction? Even if you hated a person you would at least push them away when they tried to get close.

Well, that's my opinion anyway.

Go Skins!

Mark

Good morning,

It's 5:57 am and I am off to work to pick up my license plate - DCSKINS. Then the hotel.

I will be back to read what you all posted. Thank you. It really helps to center me and quit that stinking thinkin. I have a couple of questions (as normal) and I want to really digest what you are saying.

But you know what, if Plan A if to focus on myself being the best person I can be. Then I have to accept all my parts, on of them being my love for my football team.

I am outta here to go cheer them on and meet other Redskin fans and who knows who else.

I'll be back in a couple of hours. Have a great Saturday morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

EXACTLY..you've got it..I think it's TEMPORARY INSANITY...



Again..CORRECT.



Nope. That's why it's not gonna work....



CONTINUAL BS..is how my H describes it...



Yep..ACCEPT this as being the WAYWARD spouse. Don't lose this conception of him because THIS IS THE WAYWARD...



YOU are not NUTS. He is...



Mine did. Remember my NIGHTMARE? It is the WAYWARD HUSBAND in my nightmare, the WAYWARD HUSBAND that I am trying to FORGET. He was SUCH A MONSTER...ALMOST DEMONIC. Then I wake up and hold on to my REAL HUSBAND who is TOTALLY the OPPOSITE...The idea of him ever returning is PETRIFYING... He hasn't returned in FOUR WHOLE YEARS..I'm sure that he won't..

WONDERFUL NEWS about visiting with YOUR SKINS!! I'm so HAPPY FOR YOU!!

HI there,

Well, I got lots of pictures and lots of signatures. It was awesome to be with them and cheer them on. I They are like a role model. In the face of horrid times they have risen to become better players and people.

Thanks Mimi for all the responses. I just have to shake my head. I guess where I can logically understand it, and I can experience it and know it's absolute madness. Where I get screwed up is talking to him and letting what he says affect me.

It's not that he is being mean, cruel, etc. It's like he is a politician. All talk and no substance if you know what I mean.

I need to go back and read your nightmare and gain more wisdom. It is awesome to hear about how you have grown and how FAITH has carried you through.

Hey Mark,
[quote] Let me put it this way for you: Even if you didn't like someone very much at all, when they went out of their way to be especially nice to you, wouldn't you have some reaction? Even if you hated a person you would at least push them away when they tried to get close. {/quote] I don't get this. Help me along here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LaLa, Today, I am not capable of lying to myself to the magnitude he is, and so I just need you to really help me understand that this is totally a WW mind? How do you get to that point? Do you tell yourself or it just happens?

Just mind boggling and sad. Because HE IS LOSING TIME and life is going on without him.

Whose watching the game today?

Queenie,

What I was trying to say, and it seems not doing very well, is that if you didn't like someone, you would respond negatively. If you liked someone, you would respond to them in a positive way. To have NO reaction is not the way a sane person reacts.

With as many times as you have reached out to him in so many ways that I lost count long ago, he just doesn't seem to have much of a response or reaction of any type. He isn't responding to you in a good way, but he isn't demanding that you leave him alone, move to New Guinea, and if you don't go away he will call the cops and have you arrested for stalking him.

In a normal person, one or the other should have happened by now. He clearly can't get himself to claim that he hates you and he won't admit that he loves you so he is stuck in this twilight zone in between reality and lost to the world.

And THAT is the way waywards act. It isn't understandable by any rational methods.And so as we say on MB, it is like he has been abducted by aliens...

It is likely that he is still in there some place and if the alien ever gets tired of playing with him and clouding his thought process, the real husband might just be able to break free.

But this assumes that you haven't been hurt more than you can stand and decide to find someone who is a lot less work.

That explain it better...or did I confuse you further? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

Mark

But unfortunately that IS how he reacts to things. One of the things that drove me the farthest away was his ability to avoid feelings and shut downs emotionally. I believe it's his way of staying in control at all costs.

He is so tightly wind because emotions scare him. But MY H after some amount of time would at least be willing to look at his behavior and finally open up. THIS MONSTER HAS NO EMOTIONS, or when he shows it, it's about HIM BEING THE VICTIM or HAPPY as a CLAM and ALWAYS BUSY.

And that is what got him into this mess. He is not able to face his demons and lives a life of escaping but making sure he is right as he does it.

{quote] But this assumes that you haven't been hurt more than you can stand and decide to find someone who is a lot less work. [/quote] I married this man because he had good drugs. I grew to love him because he was a devoted husband and family man. I fell in love with him because I just did. Hurt, oh yes, there are deep hurts from him that are probably forever seared in my life. I can't imagine them being any worst that what I have experienced. I'm no martyr, just someone who understands that hurts that exists inside her husband and wants to be there for him. Not fix him, but walk through with him.

What I don't know is if he will give me the chance to love him and be that wife. And I am the one who feels like the loser.

It does explain it better. I just wish the reality of the situation was better and not so hopeless.

Queenie, you alright? That last post was pretty emotional.

I'm ok. Life is what it is.

Mark unfortunately put something in such a way that really has me sad. I don't know how to explain what he said and why it's effected me so hard.

I wish he was here so I could process what he is saying and what I perceive reality to be.

I think what is bothering me most. Is who was my H really before this started, how did he get to this place of being able to do what he did and would he EVER be willing to change. I just don't know and I don't know how to find out.

NO ONE knows my H, no one. I know him the best, and I have NO CLUE who this WH is or what drives him.

So, I'm sad, very sad.

And it doesn't help that the Redskins aren't playing so good.

I'm yelling this to ya, QUEENIE!!

And I betcha Steve will corroborate this...

THERE IS NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR WH!! HE IS GARDEN-VARIETY WAYWARD SPOUSE!! Just like my H was and most others here..there is NOTHING SPECIAL about HIS PERSONALITY...

It's awful and hurtful what he is doing..

But nothing more awful or hurtful than any of our WAYWARD HUSBANDS have done..

Why don't you believe me?

MY HUSBAND WAS A DESPICABLE MONSTER!!! CRAZY ALIEN DEMON!!...SCARY but it is what it is...that's what I mean about ACCEPTANCE...It is what it is...

How did I get to ACCEPTANCE?

Isn't that the FIRST STEP in the AA PROGRAMS?

POWERLESSNESS..and turning it all over to GOD...TRUSTING in HIM...FAITH that HE will take care of ME...looking for the BLESSINGS in the midst of TRAUMA...

Queenie, we're you ever a star trek fan?

Mimi was your H a wonderful man before the A or did the A change him into the monster?

This is where I am at. I am powerless over my H. Our marriage had become unmanageable. I can turn it over to G-d. And I have FAITH that he will take care of ME.
I can find the blessings in the midst of this TRAUMA. The blessings for me personally. I can even be honest enough and say one day I will recover.

This place that I am coming to is truly looking at who my H was before all this. Yes, he LOVED me, WAS DEVOTED to me, WAS a LOVING FATHER, completely HANDS ON.

But emtionally he avoids, in life he avoids, in responsibility he avoids. He talks a good talk, but there was NO substance.

And so I guess what I am wondering and will ask Steve. Is can he become a completely different person that he was before all this. Can he become responsible. Can he become a completely new person? Or does the OLD person come back.

See what I am getting at?

NO TMTS. never.

How come?