I think that is so true. I think seeing him in the car with her just devastated me all over. I just haven't recovered.

I don't believe this...Am working towards it though. I really am.

Me too... And not just for a couple of days at a time, but long term. I'm really tired... emotionally and spiritually. In Plan A, I am constantly thinking of opportunities to Plan A him, but there aren't really any. I've think that I have done as good a job with what I had to work with. I'm just so tired... of thinking about Plan Aing him. I want it to be over soon.

Not that I am giving up on my M, because I AM NOT. I'm just tired and need peace...

Last summer, I went to the dr and got two prescriptions of AD's. My body has horrible reactions to them and with my addiction background the drs thought it was best to just work through it.

Most times I am ok. Just when it's slapped into my face it just takes me down when I am so ill prepared or caught off guard. Maybe that's it. I have built a protection of making sure to only be around him when I WANTED. Seeing him like that was so unexpected and my guard was done. What do you think.

Your reaction to seeing your H with the OW is NORMAL.

It's like seeing your RAPIST or someone intent on MURDERING you..

What we have experienced is DEVASTATING.

Sweetie, don't expect yourself to be SUPERNATURAL.

No one here expects that out of you.

I, for one, NEVER was fully rid of the pain. I even struggled during PLAN B. You read my stuff...

It's just AWFUL..

I'm just acknowledging it for you and all of us...

I think your PLAN A is finished..but I still think you need to SAY your GOODBYES to his face.

Didn't we talk about you leaving him a GOODBYE BOX or something?

Excellent point and I agree completely.

SG, it's time for some peace and tranquility in your life. It's time for Plan B, my friend. You no longer need to fear it. It is FOR YOU.

SMB,

Thank you. Please know that anything you share with me that helped you, is treasured in my heart.

Please understand how much I need you in my life, because you and SO MANY others, help me to feel that I matter as a person and that I can get through this no matter what happens.

I really have shifted from believing that if I just keep faith my M will be restored. I am keeping the faith that G-d is working hard for that, but I also know that somehow someday it will be ok, no matter what happens. I just have to keep taking one foot and move it forward.

And I can't do that alone, or without you all. There is NO WAY I could have gotten this far.

You all here is how G-d shows me in the physical form. He speaks to me in my heart and faith, but sometimes I just need people to hold me and push me along. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you so many of you for your patience and not giving up on me.

Yes, I think that the unexpected sighting was especially hard on you last week,

You need more protection from these storms, I think.
I hesitate to say that, because my circumstances were very different from yours.

About the ADs, it may be there are others you could try, or dietary interventions. DO you take vitamins? Omega-3 supplements are very good for mood issues. Exercise? Anything at all you can do to support your mood would be wise. Are you getting regular sleep?

Your resources and defenses are depleted and you really must build them back up.


{{{{SG}}}}

Yes we did.

You know, for me I am the ONE to have to DO SOMETHING. And yet, the things I can be doing I am avoiding. So....

Tonight after my AA meeting, it's Goodbye Box, and getting my PBL done. I have checked online for examples, didn't find any. I know there are out there. Where can I go?

People on the outside world don't understand this do they. And since I am surrounded by people who think I should be over this, your words help me to see that I am doing ok where I am at. They are such small steps, but they are steps.

I think I am a little frustrated that the weight loss has virtually stopped, and yet people keep thinking I am losing more. NOT

DO you take vitamins? Omega-3 supplements are very good for mood issues. I actually do that irregularly, regularly. I walked around town whenever I get the chance and walk around work as much as possible. Getting to the gym isn't as regular as I would like.

No, this is the hardest thing for me. I don't go to sleep until late. I HATE crawling into my empty bed. I only sleep for about 2 hours at a time and wake up and toss and turn for the rest of the night, and have to be up early for work. So, I am exhausted because of that.

It is really hard to do all the healthy stuff consistently, isn't it? I am only asking because you are hurting and you need to give yourself every possible tool to cope.

Have you mentioned the sleep issue to your doctor?

All of these "natural" interventions take time to make a difference but they really do help. Sleep, exercise, vitamins. Oh, I was going to ask about iron, too.

I hope I am not annoying you with these little nags.

Heck no, it helps me to feel connected to life and moving forward. Taking care of my health was the last thing I ever did.

Nope, don't take iron. What would that do for me?

No, haven't mentioned it to the dr. I haven't been back since this summer when the AD's fiasco happened.

It's really amazing what a good 8 hours of sleep will do for your outlook and mental health. (I know... I've been sick for the past two weeks with barely over 2 hours/sleep a night because of meds and coughing and its horrible.) Saturday night was the first full-night sleep I've had in so long and it really made the next day brighter!

Sleep deprivation can lead to cloudy, irrational, stinkin' thinkin'. Please take the advice you're been offered to get some relief, if just for a short while.

My mom has always said things will often look worse at night. Sometimes you just need to deal with it when you're fresh. If you find yourself going to that dark place at night, plug in a silly movie (a lot of the old comedies are great for a good old-fashioned belly laugh). Allow yourself a break.

Trust me, I am taking the advice.

What are good movies to watch? I don't know of silly old movies. I never really watched anything other than food channel, sports and soaps...

New life... new way of entertainment, alright?

8 hours of sleep, together... I just realized that hasn't happened since May 13, 2007 when my world was different. Wow, not wonder I am tired. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SMB,

Your reference to Psalm 102 is a good one. A friend of mine called me at three AM a few days after D-day knowing I wouldn't be sleeping and just said "Read Psalm 102" and hung up. I did and began sleeping soon after.

SG,

If the Lord is for us, who can be against us?

NO ONE, unless I let them be and that includes MYSELF.....

I just read this statement over on Unconditional's thread.

This hit me in a very weird way. I am really going to need help Mark in this I am sure.

Remember how the Jews when freed from Egypt wandered in the desert for all those years, 40 to be exact? Well I sorta remember someone saying part of it was because they didn't know what freedom was or how to live it.

I have lived for so long in making my H happy or trying to fix him that I simple DON'T KNOW how to live my life for myself. It's not that I am UNWILLING, I just haven't learned it yet.

Am I way off base on this?

SG-

I saw your question on TMTS' thread about changing your thread name. Since yours is just over 60 days old, I think you have to contact one of the moderators and have them change it for you.

Gotcha... How do I contact one of them?

And remember that while they were wandering in the wilderness they began to grumble and complain. They missed what they once had, though they were in fact slaves when they were in Egypt.

They didn't see the miracle of God's daily provision (manna) because they were worrying about what they didn't have any longer.

So God gave them the meat they craved and as they ate it, many got sick and some died.

And all because they were so wrapped up in remembering what they once had, though it was never really theirs, they missed out on what God wanted to do for them. The fact that God himself was there in the wilderness with them meant nothing to those who grumbled and complained and longed for a fantasy that never really was.

Edited to add: The reason they wandered so long was that they didn't believe what God told them. He promised them that they would take possession of the land and eliminate the enemy that lived there. But when the spies returned they told stories of giants and difficulties to be overcome and worried that God wasn't bigger than the giants they had seen.

So God told them that since they could not trust Him, the entire generation would have to die before the people could enter the land. All but the two who did trust Him and one of them was Joshua who became the new leader of the nation.

WOW....

Wow, I'm speechless, well almost. The book of Exodus is like my life. I remember so well how Joshua 23 directed me to learning the teachings of the book of Exodus. G-d has been driving me there all along, and I haven't been listening, have I.

Guess what my night reading is tonight. There is so much in there for me to learn about isn't there. It's my FREEDOM.

I'm utterly in awe of what I am feeling right now..

Mark, will you help me with the questions I am sure to have? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Maybe then again, I won't. G-d wants me to read this and learn it, maybe it just will be still inside.....and I will know to just be still and wait for G-d to lead me to my PROMISE LAND...

Oh WOW....

SG,

Iron helps the blood. If you are a little bit anemic (easy to happen to women) you will be more tired because the blood isn't getting the maximum benefit from oxygen. Iron helps with that. I got frightfully anemic once and now take iron and B-12 (which somehow helps you benefit from the iron) every day. It helps a lot. There's a blood test for anemia, but a multi-vitamin with iron certainly won't hurt and might help a lot.

With the stress you are under, now is the time to take better care of yourself than ever. That doesn't mean you have to be a diva or act spoiled-- it just means faithfully doing the little things every day that will make you healthier.

You can call your doc on the phone and leave a message about depression and trouble sleeping, and ask for a call back. My H answers calls like that every single night. Maybe he will want you to come in, or maybe he will feel comfortable making recommendations with just a phone call.

Weight loss- sometimes you can get unstuck if you add lean protein for a few days before trying to cut back on anything.

Exercise-- Omron makes a fantastic pedometer that is available on Amazon for under $20. I got one and wear it every day. (Lately the steps have been way low, but that is good information for me to have, so I know what I need to change.) I have found that just this little trick helps me to remember to walk a little farther, take one more flight of stairs, little things that add up. And it really, really makes a difference when you are trying to lose weight.

You are so worth it, SG. Even a few little "taking care of myself" changes add up.