Queenie, I've prayed for you, I so hope you get some sort of answers from WH tonight and some peace in your heart and soul, you really do deserve it!!

Hi Queenie,

Yes I think you have a chance. Your stitch seems to read somewhat like my parents, and he came back begging and pleading for my M to take him back. Hope is not lost!
I do however think that he is too comfortable and needs to see some of the darkness of Plan B right after he gets a copy of the LSA. Incredible what making it legal does? It made my FWW start thinking about what she was doing and if this is what she really wanted.

Show him the new strong Queenie we all know and love!

ell, I'm back and I did good and bad.

We talked for about an hour and a half. I Plan A and got so much information out of him. I will try and put it all down. Because there is lots.....

First thing he commented was on the messy car, I joked and asked to see his, he said his was worse. As we were walking in I asked him where he has been and he said running. I said where did he go, the gym and that it is costing $5.00 a month, I asked if he tied it to the family account? He said yes, I asked him why he never told me, he gave me some lame excuse, I stopped and looked at him straight in the eye and told him that I was his wife and needed to know these things. I quickly switched to asking about meeting up at the gym next week and working out together. He said if it worked when he was there. I said no problem, I'll call for that information. And walked inside. I think I let him open the door for me, but I don't remember. Darn... I should have made a point of that.

I asked him if he wanted a coffee, he said no, I got us waters and we went and sat down, not at a table, which was surprising, we sat in front of the fireplace apart from each other.

Then I asked him how this job came about, what excited him about it, all the stuff that I really wanted to hear about. I told him how proud I was of him, how much he deserved this opportunity, and after much working around it I asked him if this would make him happy. He said professionally yes. I told him I wanted to meet them and I asked if he had a problem with that. He said that depends, I asked on what, and we kinda joked on it for a few seconds, but then I told him that I was his wife and I wanted to introduce myself as his wife. I asked him if he told them he was married and he said yes, but that he was separated. What do you want to bet he didn't say anything about her. That's why I want them to meet me. I am the wife who is supportive and loving of her husband, proud of his accomplishments and wants to support him. Then OW will show up and not have nearly the class that I will, and you know why, because what I offer is the truth. I am proud of my H, and am supportive of him. I won't even go there on the looks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Then he told me about the company, the history of it, who he would be working for, what the job would entail. I asked him very particulars about how much he would be getting paid, he told me, then I asked him how much he was getting paid now, he told me. Then he explained that he would be getting bonuses and I matter of fact asked him if I would be getting half. He said I suppose in a joking way, and actually I really didn't get the impression he was out to cheat me, YET. He will be getting paid every other week, and they don't have direct deposit. That's when talking to him about the legal separation got put on hold.

I made a very direct comment that I was uncomfortable with that, and then I looked at him and said about trusting him. Right away though I made my point, and then went into actually telling him that I appreciated how he has been generous with the money. And the truth is, he has. I don't know if I am going to do as well with my legal separation or not. What I do know is that I know he will have the possibiity of making more money and you can darn well bet my lawyer is going to know about that and it will be written into the agreement.

I was taking notes the whole time, and he knew it. I asked him certain questions about sick days, vacations, etc and he hadn't asked about those. He said he would and I asked him when I could expect answers. I asked him what he was basing his decisions on and of course he brought her up.

As you can imagine I was off and running. I’m sorry this is where I let you down, but I needed to do this for me. I needed to try and get some answers. So I let him talk to me about her and the absolute chaos that follows her around. Purely to drive home a point later on, which I did.

I told him that the boys and I were starting to look for houses and asked him with this latest development, where he would want me to look. He told me and then I started asking the harder questions. I said, we have been through so much that we were able to be more honest that this surface crap. He agreed. And then he started with the fog babble. I did my best, but still need to learn it.

TMTS, stick around for part II and then tell me

He said something about not living a lie anymore or something to that effect, it was so flippin out there that I truly needed him to repeat it 4 or 5 times, and I still didn’t get it, finally I just realized it didn’t matter, it was crazy talking. I asked him what it would take for him to come home.

Here’s where it got very interesting, for me. He told me that “they” were building something amazing and special. That was based on truth and honesty and openness. I almost laughed, but that would have been not only a LB but probably a DJ. So I asked him why he felt that he couldn’t be honest and truthful with me, and he said I wasn’t safe. I asked him what he meant, and then he corrected himself and said that he made it not safe. He realized that very minute that what happened to our marriage was on him, not me. Because I told him that I believed in him, always believed in him, even when he didn’t believe in himself. And I said a whole bunch of other truths. I owned up to that in the beginning of all of this that I blamed myself for all the problems, and that I learned that it wasn’t that I didn’t love him enough, I just didn’t love him the way G-d wanted me to. I told him that I am an amazing woman and loved him for whoever he was, I just wanted to know who that was. I clearly put the responsibility of what happened where it belonged on him. And that felt frickin good. Because you know what, that’s the truth. I also told him that G-d is creating something special in me that I am proud of. I made a comment on how 60 lbs literally dropped off of me right after he left. His eyes didn’t something weird, like take that in. Then I told him how there is no more chaos in the boys and my life. He made a comment that he and I created it together. I agreed, but says it doesn’t exist in our house anymore, and I matter of fact said he still lives in chaos which he couldn’t refute because he had agreed earlier. &#61514; Got him….. And that felt good, darn good.

He created this false reality in his head, not me. I told him it wasn’t my job to fix him, just love him with all my heart and I did and I wanted him to come home.

I asked him again if there was a possibility of him coming home and he said yes. He even admitted twice, once in the beginning of the convo and then that he loved me. And he admitted that he might even be able to love me that way again, but differently which I absolutely agreed with. I kept repeating myself, asking him if he believed that we could have the most amazing marriage if he came home. After a few attempts, he finally agreed. But the fog and addiction is so thick that he told me he believed that he was created something special with her. It’s funny and I just realized it, he keeps saying how he is creating this special relationship. One would think that a new relationship would be based on trust, honesty and openness. What he doesn’t get is that they can never have that because there relationship will always be based in lies and knowing what the other person is capable of no matter how honest they think they are.

Then we talked about the house some more, our future together. I asked him if he wanted me to quit my job, he told me that it was up to me. I said, no, that a decision that important would be discussed and handled together. He understood. I asked him if my staying home would be important, he said no, that they boys weren’t home and I would get bored. I just wanted to shake him and say you leave your crack addict ho home all day long and she is around drugs.. HELLO….. but he wouldn’t get it, he lives in the fog. The very thick fog.

I asked him if he missed being a father. He just shirked at that. Then we talked about his relationship with the kids. I asked him if he has spoken to DD and he said, no, she told him that he ruined her life. I left that sink in for a few. He is absolutely unwilling to let that truth in whatsoever. We talked about the boys. He keeps justifying saying the boys don’t want him home. I spoke honestly about that. Saying that I have had a real good opportunity to bash him, but I haven’t. I have created a home and space where he could come home when he wanted to and the boys would want him IF he wanted to be there. His eyes told me he understood.

I asked him something else and he commented that if it didn’t work over there with her, then he would think about coming home. I matter of fact told him I wouldn’t be second choice. I have worked extremely hard to make G-d proud and become who he wanted me to become and I wouldn't settle for second best.

I could tell he was antsy, but I WASN’T done talking to him, so I kept on going until I was. Then I asked him if talking to me was making him uncomfortable, he said no, and I asked him what it was and he admitted he was hungry. I asked him why he just didn’t tell me the truth right off the bat. He can’t even stop lying about that. See what I mean. Can he possibly be living in this happy, healthy, honest and truthful home?

Oh he told me that he would be traveling with this new company. I asked to go. He seemed surprised and gave me reasons why not and I just kept asking until he said, well I guess you could then. He told me about some property that he has been looking at and I asked him to take me there and show me, he agreed.

I told him our kids needed both parents, he gave me the fog babble, I just ignored it. I told him we had grandchildren to raise. He said hopefully not yet. I said, no, we still had children to raise together. Remember, crack ho has 3 grandchildren and I clearly got the sense he didn't like being a grandfather. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I asked him again about going to the gym and working out, he said he would call me next week. He forgets I am on vacation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

It looks pretty darn good on the surface. Just one question.
What was the tone and or mood while you were telling him these things? Some of it sounded a little overbearing. But if it was calm and cool, no emotions involved, I really think you got him thinking (or you scared him). You know as well as anybody on this board that what he told you about them is the only thing he can tell you right now. The part that concerns me is what he told you about coming back. You need to take that with a grain of salt until you see action to the contrary.

Let’s see what the next weeks are like, because the LSA will hit him hard and now that he has seen the new Queenie the LSA will really make him think.

But you did get a good indication about your suspicions about how life with the warthog is going.

To me it sounds like this is the best you've done in a face to face with him. He will not forget your strength.

Good show Warrior GODDESS!!!

On the way out, I hugged him tightly. He wished me a happy valentine’s day, which completely surprised me. I told him that I would be waiting to hear from him.

It irks me that she is going to be part of this decision, but it is what it is.

What I got from this is a few things. And I need more input. I have to admit, I am scared that the longer time goes on their relationship will become better and better. However I have to remember they are both self centered, and selfish and if trust is still and issue for them. It has to continue to be an issue. Especially as time goes on and money gets worse. Though with his new job he is really going to be saving gas. Going from 52 miles to 12 miles a day. The fact that she is going to be very close to him and can just pop over for lunch etc, is scaring me, but there is nothing I can do.

He still loves me. He knows that we can be happy, but he is in this fantasy that he can build something with her. I don’t believe that she can make it through the test of time. And unfortunately that is what this is going to take, time.

Has anyone ever heard of someone being this deep into the fog and coming out? I can see he is rejuvenated by the job and that means longer as well, because he’ll be happier for a long time.

So in the end, I feel like G-d gave me the opportunity to really set up my stage for Plan B. I am going to get more time with him, fun time. More time for him to see the changes in me. I realized for the first time tonight he is truly cake eating in his own way. He totally knows and I confirmed it again that he can just come home when he is ready. I didn’t think he knew that or even cared. He still loves me. He loves what I offer him and yet the addiction is too strong still.

So, please please help me to start setting up my Plan B because I need to go out with a bang.

Thoughts, ideas… bashings?

Oops, almost forgot the Goddess part. I looked stunning. Absolutely stunning! In fact he commented on are you going to a tanning booth, I said no because I hadn’t been there for awhile. I used bronzer and mineral make up, my eyes sparkled and my outfit showed off my figure, not to mention my boobs were falling out a bit. He thinks I wore that to work. He kept looking and I would smile and fix. &#61514; And you know how I looked good, because when I went to my meeting tonight, everyone complimented me on how awesome I looked and I realize he had to have noticed.

So, I get that to win him back, I need to move on without him and leave him behind in the dark. Absolute dark, because she doesn’t hold a candle to me or ever will. He admitted the history was a huge piece.

It’s just the addiction and the fog that is my enemy. Is there hope you guys?

Actually I was extremely calm and cool. Unbelievably so. I wasnt' begging one bit. I was honest about my feelings. I was doing it because that is who I am and I was tired of the crap he was giving me. I had control, and whether I lose him or not, I got him to admit that he created the environment that was unsafe for him, not me. I don't have to live with the guilt of that anymore.

He played his games with me for years and years and it drove me away. I'm still crushed that he can so cooly turn his back on me and not give me one chance. He is betting on her paying off of his happiness and them creating this amaazing life.

I don't believe the chances of that happening are too real, especially when I am completely out of the picture and he really does start to lose his kids and the memories.

I got the sense that I in a way was setting him up. He has no doubt I love him, that there is a map to come home and I want him to come home.

I am not willing to let him have control over me with the money and this is giving me the perfect reason for the legal separation. That we are getting along now, but I need to protect myself and our children and making sure that everything is on the up and up. That I am setting him free and ... what am I going to be doing in Plan B?

The tone and mood was light but serious. I was truly proud of this opportunity for him and happy for us as a family. I was excited about who I am becoming and left it in the air he is an idiot for throwing it away.

He was completely clear that he wasnt' coming back, not today. He believes they can have this amazing relationship. I just laid the map that I wanted him to come home, but that I wasn't going to be second choice. And I meant it, at least to him I did and at that time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Again, I learned that deep down inside he knows he can have a spectacular life with me. But he is living in this fantasy that he can build it with her. I have no part in that because there is nothing I can do, but continue to live my life and hope he figures out what he is losing.

He is still willing to sacrifice everything for her because of what they "can build". It's not even what they have. So, he keeps trying with her and somehow, someway I continue to find the strength to get up each morning without him and learn to live life without him. Because what I know he is gone. And I am crushed, honestly.

I love this man with all my heart, I always have and I wouldn't allow him to take that away from me. Whether he chooses to want it or not, well I have no control and need to leave it with G-d. I still hurt just as much as I did earlier, but I got my sign from G-d this battle is absolutely between them.

No he won't forget my strength and neither will I. Because I have the truth on my side.

I know I haven't been around Queenie but I just wanted to pop in and wish you a Happy Valentine's Day, and let you know I am thinking of you.

{{{{{Queenie}}}}}

Thanks Mopey, I miss you.

Happy Valentine's Day to you as well.

How are you doing?

Queenie,

You did good girl. You set the perfect stage for a Plan B knockout. It couldn't have been more perfect. I'm proud of the way you handled yourself.

And yes, he's going to cake-eat as long as you let him. You're Plan B will knock him off that fence.

The fog is still thick....

Thanks Chai,

How are you? Do you really thinik so. I checked and he sent YS a email that says, YS Happy Vallentine's Day. I love you and miss you. Love BS

Do you think he opened up the card I gave him and it makes a difference at all?

What scares me the most is that she is really a good loving person and I don't stand a chance. I'm so confused this morning and sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

His fog is so thick, can he come out of it?

You did just fine Queenie. And it doesn't hurt to let him talk about the OW. You need to be safe for him to talk to so that when the affair ends, he will come right back to you.

Hi Queenie,

I'll have to catch you up later. I have a horrible headache <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> and I need to get out of here for my MC appointment. Fitting for today.....

Take care and know we all think you're VERY loveable! THAT is very apparent to me.

{{{{Queenie}}}}

Hi Believer.

Do you really think the A will end? Just b/c they all end or b/c of something I said?

Interesting that you said safe, b/c that was one of my points. He told me that I wasn't safe. But then he realized that he made it not safe himself. I wasn't taking that lie from him anymore. I made his life safe, I was a great wife to him. He is throwing it away b/c he is addicted to her.

I lost a lot of respect for him last night when I realized that he is so selfish and that it barely bothers him to ruin peoples lives because it's what he wants. I deserve someone who gives as much as I want to. I just hope there can be someone else for me.

Oh Mopey,

Take care of yourself. I'm sorry you have a headache. Please check in and let me know how you are doing.

Thank you,

{{{{{{{{{{{Mopey}}}}}}}}}}

((((((Queenie))))))

Wow.. I am so inspired by your strength and how you handled yourself in that interaction.

He's definitely cake eating.. and torn.

Wish I could be so lucky..

You're doing fine.. this A will end sooner or later. But regardless of what HE does.. you will heal. I can see your strength already, to move on with your own life if that's what the ultimate outcome is.

You stay strong Queenie!

I see the cake eating, but where is the torn part?

I'm not lucky at all. He is still out there building a life, albeit sick one, but nonetheless building a life with her and not me.

I don't see the strength at all, but I am really trying to be strong.

Queenie,

YOU DID GREAT!! Believe that. At this point, I don't think that anymore Plan A is going to make a difference.

It's only going to show him that you WILL be second choice, and that he can cake-eat as long as he wants and then come back to you if his A doesn't work. If he comes back under those circumstances, there won't be any incentive not to get entangled in another A in the future.

If he always thinks that you'll be there to pick up the pieces, you'll never change the behavior. Believe me, I was tempted to just look the other way to avoid the pain, but in the long run I knew that sharing my WH was not going to work.

Let's talk today if you have time. I'll send you an email.

Your meeting with your WH was just so AWESOME that I can't possibly respond to ALL that was WONDERFUL about what YOU accomplished for YOURSELF and YOUR MARRIAGE.

Your WH is so garden variety ADDICTED, Queenie. You moreso than others know about ADDICTION. He is ADDICTED to her just like to a DRUG..just like to alcohol..he is CODEPENDENT for sure.

The STUFF he told you is ALMOST VERBATIM what my WH told me..my H was going to TRY to MAKE IT WORK with her..Who wouldn't want to live constantly with their DRUG SUPPLY. I'm betting you that he is seeking RELIEF from his suffering and it's why he met with you.

Don't be thrown off by HIM, Queenie. Everytime you actually meet with him and are so AWESOME when you do, you start to QUESTION yourself..NO NEED FOR THAT!! He's following the SCRIPT to a tee.

Proceed with your PLAN B. I'm more HOPEFUL about the OUTCOME than I was before your meeting...

He is seeking your friendship and companionship which he will feel that he is in danger of losing once you go to your B...

Just like my H, your WH has this HOPE that you will be sitting around waiting for him until he TRIES out HIS NEW LIFE..a part of him actually KNOWS that it is not gonna work. That's why he wants you there waiting as his WIFE..yuck...

THEY ARE SOOOO NUTS..those ALIENS... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />