And this is why you need to be in Plan B.

So you don't have to deal with him for a while...
So you don't have to be jerked around every time you are about to get your life in order...
So you don't have to live in crisis mode for the rest of your life...
So you can heal without having him reopen the wounds over and over again...

He wants to live with her, have sex with her and spend the night with her. But he wants you to do all those things he can't do for himself and she doesn't seem to be able to do for him...all of those little things a wife does to make her husband the man he is...Domestic Support...When you pull the plug on those things you still do for him, he will have no one to do them for him. He will either have to do them for himself or he will have to do without....

Mark

I miss you TMTS,

How are you doing? What's happening in your world?

But not enough in his soul to want to come home. From what you have learned from your DW, is this normal? Or just what it is.

Hi Mark,

You have been quiet too. How are you doing?

Yes, I want Plan B to come. I really do. I didn't think I would be at this point of really wanting it, but you are right, when he isn't in my daily thoughts, my life is nice and calm. I am able to think of myself as something better than crap and that maybe I deserve a little happiness and a life that has love in it.

Maybe this is the devil testing me to see if all the work G-d has done in me to build me up as a person can't be destroyed by one silly email from WH.

Is this cake eating or just plain selfishness on his part and he doesn't realize what he is doing?

It's funny Mark, everytime I do make strides in moving on with my life, something happens, WH calls me, emails me, or whatever and the wound just gets ripped open. Am I doing something to allow it to happen or that's just part of Plan A, and I can take advantage of the opportunity or not.

Or since Plan B is so close, just not even respond and let him figure something else out?

Queenie,

You have just proved the premise that a WS can never have any contact for any reason with their former lover for the rest of their lives...

You are about to get your life under control and WH calls you. Within minutes you miss him, doubt what you are doing and long for the return to the good old days...

Then after a few days, you are feeling better about yourself and moving forward with your life...and then he emails you and you are back into the depths of hopelessness....

I do hope every WS who comes here can see this so that they understand just how important NC is with their former AP...

You need to have everything you need to do to go into Plan B done and wrapped up with a bow soon, because one of these days you must be able to tell him when he calls you with his crisis..."I'm not your Mommy. If you want to be my husband, we can talk about it, but if CrackHo can't do this for you, you'll have to take care of it yourself..."

This is ultimate cake eating here Queenie. He wants you to be his wife, but he wants her to be his lover...He gets the part of you she does not have...Stability, compassion, caring, love for his children...Then he gets to retreat to her because you are taking care of everything and that frees him up from having to grow up and be responsible. He can forget the kids, forget the house, forget everything but his own selfishness.

CrackHo feeds that selfishness. You feed his soul...

He thinks he wants to live without you. Let him try. He has already shown you that he can't. Once you go into Plan B, it must be very dark. Only speak to him if one of the children has an emergency that you can't handle alone.

Mark

Things between DW and I are better than they have been in 10 years. I also notice it with our relationship with our DDs.

We do have a memorial today. DW's uncle past away on Saturday after fighting with cancer. He was surrounded by his family and in a great deal of pain, so once he saw that we would all be ok, he let go.

What he is doing is pretty much the same as my DW was doing, and it's amazing how fast the turn around can be. I got lucky because there was very little contact, he did many LBs by disappointing her constantly and he was two timing her, so the withdrawal symptoms were fairly mild. Right now she is dealing more with the guilt of the whole episode more than anything else.

Mark explains it very well and Mimi has seen it first hand. Trust their judgment. You will be fine.

Queenie, what IS the hold up on your Plan B? I thought I remembered you saying that the papers are being filed and that WH would be served. Has that happened?

See, when you get into Plan B, scenarios like this won't be an issue anymore. Emails from WH, phone calls from WH, other contacts, he'll be hitting a brick wall via your intermediary, and unless it's something URGENT regarding the kids, you'll never know. Peace. That's what Plan B will bring you.

Love ya Queenie but I wonder if you're stalling on the Plan B hoping that SOMETHING will change. It won't. Remember almost NO marriages recover based on Plan A alone. Your marriage may not even recover with Plan B, but what will change is that Queenie will learn to love herself even more and live without WH in PEACE.

I didn't think I was, but I might be. I really don't understand what the hold up is. My L told me he would call me when the paper were ready to be served. I'll give him a all today.

I can be grateful to be of service to G-d. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[/quote] Your marriage may not even recover with Plan B, but what will change is that Queenie will learn to love herself even more and live without WH in PEACE. [/quote] A few months ago, I couldn't imagine this even possible. I do today and I'm grateful for that.

In a weird way, this has been good for me because if ever there was a doubt that my mind and heart aren't in sync, got resolved. I am READY for Plan B, I just understand that it truly could be for the rest of my life that I never talk to the man that I love with all my heart. And that's sad for me.

So, thanks PM and Mark for keeping me on the straight of what needs to be done for me.

TMTS,
I'm glad things are going so well. I'm jealous as all get out, but I am so happy for you.

What have you learned the most from your DW?

I learned that the positive changes I was making were leaving an impression on her even though I wasn't seeing it at the time.

Then how should I handle his request.

I would love to get the field for him, but the reality is I will be in Plan B by then and unable to fulfill my responsibility by being on the field and responsible.

Does he have any other options to get a field?
Is there someone else at the school that he or someone else go to?
If you tell him straight out that you will not do this for him anymore, can he turn it around on you? Make you look bad in front of your peers? (Vets, could Queenie supping the field be construed as enablement?)

The thing that bugs me about not doing it is that it could be showing him your hand before your ready to lay down your cards.

The more experienced will chime in on this one, lets see what they think about this.

He's just trying to use you, Queenie and you know it. IMO, it is ENABLEMENT. He's willing to invest time in his RECREATION and using YOU for that but won't even invest time to spend with his children.

I would figure out some NICE, LEGITIMATE way to SAY NO..."Everyone knows that we are separated and you left me so it wouldn't be appropriate or acceptable for me to use a MARITAL PRIVILEGE or whatever"....

Your good Mimi! Stops the enablement and sets a boundary all in one shot.

Pretty disgusting isn't it.

Yes, I know he is trying to use me I just wanted to make sure that even though I haven't gone into Plan B, I don't need to help him on out on this one.

Ok, no it is and in a nice, legitimate way. I need to be careful not to make him mad, but I'll think of something.

Thanks.

Something good just happened. A parent came in and ask me about my weight loss. She said her husband came home commenting on how much weight I have lost. She said, why didn't you tell her. My comment was, he did the right thing by mentioning it to you and you telling me. I know she thought that was a weird answer. But after going threw this, I think that is a better way to do it.

Didn't I cross over the boundary by showing up at his game like I did?

There's NO RULES about YOU going to his game.

There are RULES about use of the fields.

YOU can DO what YOU want with your life...go wherever you want to go..IT'S YOUR WORLD, HE ONLY LIVES IN IT..as an ALIEN, that is..LOL...YOU ARE THE QUEEN, yanno..

NOPE, DIN'T KNOW.. But I KNOW NOW...

Thank you....

Queenie,

Mark is soooo right. He's coming to you for the wifey things. That is such a good point. I see it in my own sitch - WH had to get an atty to force me to take care of tax stuff because he didn't have a clue as to what he needed to do. lol

Plan B Queenie.......

Ok... I just got off the phone with my L. He can have the papers served next week.

Now, I need your help in timing. My L is leary of me forewarning WH. And yet I have the PBL to give him.

How far in advance of him being served should I him my Plan B letter? And how do I handle the giving him of the letter?

I guess I'm wondering why do I need to warn him of the LSA and not just give him the PBL and completely surprise him with the legal stuff?

Excellent Queenie! I'm so proud of you for following up on this.

You don't warn him. Just give him the letter. Let the attorney and the process server worry about getting him served. From here on out, your attorney handles anything legally related.

If you've got everything situated (intermediary, finances, etc.) then there's no reason not to give him the letter now. Just look at it as a one-two punch. First the Plan B letter and you going dark, dark, dark, and then he gets served with the LS.