((((Queenie))))),

Now you were the one who recently lectured me to let go and put it in God's hands, so now you have to believe it yourself. We both need to do that. It won't be easy, but we'll do it together. And we'll get through it. Remember, it's all part of THE PLAN. No, we don't exactly know what that is yet, but we do know that there is one so we need to let it happen. It won't if we keep fighting it.

I love you, God loves you, all the MBers here love you. We will all work together to get to the other side.

Let's talk soon.

You know Chai, I really feel like I have let it go. I totally know there is NOTHING to do anymore. He is with G-d and all I pray is for G-d to work his plan and reveal to me my next step.

The pain is there, not nearly as bad. I find I am functioning more and more at work, my crying isn't as deep or as long, and I just am at peace for the most part. I don't worry about the future, because I am just living in today. And today is all I need to work through.

I love everyone on here so much and there is NO WAY I could have survived this and work through becoming what I am watching me turn into. I am feeling good about my accomplishments and for the most part don't think of myself as garbage anymore, but someone that was a good wife and loved her H beyond what he could have imagined.

I can't control what he chooses, I think he is stupid, but it's his life and my children and me are the collateral damage from his destructive and selfish behavior.

Time takes time...

Last night at my AA meeting, I was listening to people talking about their bottoms. They were talking about drinking, drugging and smoking and it dawned on me, that I didn't hit a bottom when I got sober, I just quit for my husband. When I quit smoking I did it for my pregnancy. I had never hit rock bottom on anything. D-day and the subsequent days that followed were my ROCK BOTTOM. I went to places so low that I can't imagine I have survived. But I have.

There are promises that if you live a life of recovery you will receive, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but as long as you are painstaking about this point in our recovery, which I have been.

I don't know what plans G-d has for me, what I do know is G-d has them made for me and will reveal them to me as I need. I just have to walk in FAITH and TRUST.

There have been WAY TOO many BLESSINGS for me to deny this WHOLE TRAUMA and RECOVERY has been guided by G-d. It's not my plan, but I am walking in his protection day by day and just being still...

Queenie,

Has it been delivered yet???

Yanno, PBL.

Friday is PBL Day...

My birthday. What's the word when something happens that is happy and sad at the same time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Bittersweet?


Or maybe sweetly bitter????


I'll be praying for the peace of God to come over you and radiate from you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bittersweet.

I don't want this, but G-d wants it and so there is no other way.

I apprecaite the prayers and know I will need them.

I love you all so much and am so grateful for the support.

How are you doing?

Psalms 34: 17 - 21, 23

17 When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous; but the LORD delivers him out of them all.
20 He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.
21 Evil shall slay the wicked; and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.

This is so perfect for me today.

This is so TRUE..

My Grandmother..one of the most RIGHTEOUS, PROVERBS 31 WOMEN..EVER..lived to the age of 92..

She told me that she would LIVE to SEE the SUFFERING of all of her ENEMIES...because "I am righteous"...Her prophecy was CORRECT...

I know NOW what she was TALKING about..didn't quite understand when I was younger...

It's so weird. I have such a hard time with the word righteous and that it is a good thing.

People commonly referred to my H as self-righteous and I am not sure I understand the difference.

RIGHTEOUS in LOVE of and FOLLOWING the LORD as opposed to SELF-RIGHTEOUS..this is in the BIBLICAL SENSE of RIGHTEOUS...

Gotcha...

So being self-righteous isn't necesarily following in G-d's will or law?

Being SELF-righteous is NOT a GOOD THING at all...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Please forgive me, but before I get to give up all the DRAMA of you know who and what... I forgot the best part about WH's new job.

There is traveling involved. So I have to chuckle to myself, b/c he'll be out of town worrying about whether she is using and/or cheating and she'll be worrying about what he is doing.

I even asked him if when we got our house together, could I travel with him and he said there wouldn't be time.

I just needed to put that out there because I am having a green moment... Or fun moment....

Self-righteous - Counting on yourself and relying on your own strength for salvation. A self-righteous person feels they are better than other folks and seldom see their own weakness or failures.

Righteous - Some one who trusts God is righteous. It is said repeatedly about various people that "He trusted God and it was counted to him as righteousness."

David understood this completely. His life was a mess. He murdered, committed adultery, treated his various wives badly...and yet God calls him "A man after mine own heart." The reason was that David trusted God to take care of him and take away his sins.

A self-righteous person considers themselves to be above others and in need of nothing from anyone, including God. Self-righteousness comes across as arrogance and smugness, because the self-righteous individual considers himself to have no needs they cannot supply in and of themselves.

Mark

WH believes that he has a great relationship with G-d and so this be different?

Actually you know, it doesn't matter. It's his walk with G-d not mine and I need to keep my side of the street clean and stay out of his.

RIGHT?

You're so FUNNY!! BTW, you're not supposed to be thinking about HIM ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I'm no so funny. I worked very hard to put him out of my mind, and I was succeeding, though I was getting sad and missing him. I called Smartie and we had the best time talking. I went to the PO close to where my boys were so I could then go to Wally World and get supplies for my son to go to Idaho tomorrow.

The PO was closed, so I went to the Maple Valley one, signed the paper to receive my trust fund and then talked to Smartie again all the way to the tanning place. We were laughing, dreaming, and then I went and tanned. Feeling in such a better space I went to the grocery store to get my kid his stuff, was walking out and decided to get a latte. I was standing in the line FOREVER and I felt him in the store. You might think I am crazy, but I did. I turned around and he was at HIS bank getting money. And something died inside of me because he has NO intention of walking over to me.

I turned and looked and then turned back around, somehow found the strength to walk over to him. I wasn't jovial, over the top happy. I talked to him and first words out of his mouth were about him getting the field for his lacrosse team. I was floored. Just floored. Not how are the kids doing, how's lacrosse going for them, could you send me a schedule, NOTHING. Just about his team and what he wants. I KNOW, NOT ONE WORD.

I said good bye and walked out. Got to my car and realized that this could possibly be the last time I ever see him and so I went back in and talked to him for a few more minutes. He was so nervous to get away from me. I thought for a minute she was there with him.

I asked him about his job. He told me how much he loves it, blah blah, and I asked him what hours he worked and he said told me and I said, and then I blew it and said, how our life could have been different with normal hours. He always had to be in bed by 9:30 and up by 3:30ish.

The strain was there because I knew the LSA and PBL are coming and I just didn't know what to say. I have been with this man for 29 years and I didn't know what to say. All I knew was he wanted away from me as fast as possible. And I was dying inside.

So, I told him I needed his W2 and he said ok. Then he said that he was excited we were getting another 600.00 back from the government, I didn't know what he was talking about so I asked him. And he made the comment that we would make more money having kids. I said so how are we going to distribute the money. And he said what do you mean. He got very leary, it was weird but something I recognize because he wasn't anticipating me taking care of myself. I said, are we going divy the money up 4 ways and I would get 3/4 because if we were making more $ off of the kids since I had the kids I should get the money. As you can imagine he didn't like that reasoning at all.

Then I told mentioned that DD told me you were giving me back the cell phone, I said when are you going to do that. Again, he seemed shocked and said he hadn't gotten his work phone yet and then he would. Again, he does what he wants and then throws it away.

It was terribly awkward not because of him, but because I actually just didn't want to be around him. He is so NOT my H. He just looks at me in disgust and no use for me.

So he reminded me to let him know about the field. I told him I would take care of it when I could. And left.

I was shaking so bad. I totally blew Plan A opportunities, but you know, it was the WH and not even close to my H. I did't feel like wasting my time, in fact wanted to take care of myself even though it killed me inside.

But on the way to my AA meeting, here I am saying I should have done this, that and the other. I beat myself up pretty good and now I am a basket case.

So I get home and find out that my DD is going to be with him on Saturday to get her car fixed and I am JEALOUS that I may lose her to her father. How sick is that.

So, to sum up. If I had gotten to the PO 4 minutes earlier, if I had gone to grocery store first instead of tanning, if I had not wanted a latte, I would have missed him totally and been protected. Now, I am devastated and don't understand what happened and how I could have just blown things. Which is totally ridiculous because he is in G-ds hands and I need to stay out of it.

I thought of you SMB and the talk you had with your kid about souls. I felt his soul in that store. And that happened right after this started. When he came to a lacrosse tournament, I felt him and turned around and there he was with her.

What is that about? I thought G-d wanted me to leave him alone? Why put him in my path like that?

Help!!!!!!!!!!!

And I am really mad at myself because I wasn't dressed as a true GODDESS. I was wearing nice outfit, but nothing special to show off my weight loss and my hair was pulled back and I didn't have mascara on. Thank goodness I had lipstick and had just come from the tanning place. My skin is dark right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry for ranting, but if I don't do it here I will do it in my head and that will kill me.

Ok, I give. I just logged onto work email and WH has left me this. I told him kinda jokingly, thank you for wishing me a happy birthday in the store, and for a split second it was my H and he said, have a really good birthday. I thanked him very much and walked out of the store.
And here on my email is this. What the HE!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

BS
Happy Birthday! I hope you have a great day! If you can check on the field for Gonzo that would be great. Either 3/15 or 3/16 when it is available.
WS

Why did he do that? What surprises me is he must have gotten home and immediately sent the email because of the time stamp on it. Why?

Well in one way that's good, he had to have dug out my email address for work because he hasn't used it for MONTHS. So now I have to figure out how to block it from happening again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He makes ME NUTS..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Not that it should matter, I prepared for the 2 X 4's, but do you think he will miss me in Plan B? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />